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Simon Cowell proudly unveils his new X Factor panel as his re-vamped show concentrates on the music, by Jim Shelley

By Jim Shelley for MailOnline

Published: 15:37 EST, 29 August 2015 | Updated: 18:10 EST, 29 August 2015

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It was all change on The X Factor with the difference being immediately clear.

Some of the acts were quite good! No really they were – at least compared to last year.

Admittedly it was the first episode but to at least five of them were better than 2014’s winner. (You know, what’s his face…Ben Haenow or as I call him Ben Whereisnow?

Yes realising that the show had become a laughing stock,

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The fresh faces: Simon Cowell unveiled his new line up of Nick Grimshaw, Rita Ora and Cheryl Fernandez-Versini on Saturday night

Kaiser Cowell had belatedly taken drastic action to revamp it. Presenter Dermot O’Dreary, ancient mentor/court jester Louis Walsh, and Mel B had gone. Even the programme’s booming iconic announcer Peter Dickson HAD BEEN SILENCED.

Instead, re-casting himself as the musical Charlie in Charlie’s Angels, Cowell had surrounded himself with pretty young things Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini (32), Nick ‘Grimmy’ Grimshaw (31) and irritating Olly Murs (31), all of whom should take a line out of Prince’s songbook and start acting their age not their shoe-size. You’re all a bit old to be doing High Fives and using words like ‘sick’ and ‘awesome.’

Caroline Flack (“35”) was hanging around too – mostly to flutter her eyelashes at any boy singers and hug their mums when they went through or went home.

Smug? It was all change on The X Factor with the difference being immediately clear

On the plus side, Simon unveiled his big summer from title rivals the BBC – Rita Ora a presence as attractive and refreshing as her namesake, Kia-Ora.

We’ll move swiftly past the opening item in which the new panel of judges participated in a pointless pastiche of Mission Impossible.

(‘Impossible’ ? Surely saving the X Factor wasn’t THAT hard Simon.)

Cheryl was introduced as Cheryl Fernandez-Versini even though she will always be Cheryl Cole to us, and her record label. With a new haircut that made her look like a little old lady, for every quality performance you could see Wor Cheryl sitting there thinking: ‘wow ! How the hell do they get all those notes IN TUNE ?!’

Grimmy meanwhile was described as ‘the man who wakes everyone up in the morning and knows more about music than most.’

He’s the breakfast DJ on Radio One not the head of EMI, a camp buffoon clearly cast here as the poor man’s David Walliams.

The boss himself was hailed as ‘heading up the family’ – as if The X Factor was The Waltons, not the most ruthless, heartless, enterprise in the music business or on TV.

On the other hand, since the Birth of his baby King Cowell does seem to have undergone something of a personality by-pass and turned into a lovely, smiley guy: not good.

If he’s going to vote for eccentric/unhinged acts like Susan Pryce who can we rely on to see sense?

Here’s how the first show of the new age went.

Off with a bang; Susan Pryce performed an alarming version of 2 Unlimited’s techno novelty hit No Limit

1. SUSAN PRYCE **

60 year-old retired grandmother from Brighton ‘performing’ an alarming version of 2 Unlimited’s techno novelty hit No Limit.

‘You really are 60 ?! Wow !’ says Olly Murs, looking at her as if she were an alien. ‘This is why our chairs don’t spin,’ carps Cowell, but still sending Susan through.

2. LAUREN MURRAY ***

25 year-old dental receptionist from Essex singing Jocelyn Brown’s

Somebody Else’s Guy.

‘Do you like working as a dental receptionist?’ they ask her.

What do you think?

‘I didn’t like that,’ Cowell begins, wasting no time in rolling out his favourite clichés. ‘I loved it ! Do you know what I liked about you?’

Let me guess... ‘You have no idea how good you are.’

Wow-worthy: Lauran Murray seemed especially impressive for the judges

3. MAN & WOMAN *

Cyprian Anyanga Ndah and Ruth Botwe murder Michael Jackson’s You Are Not Alone. Serves him right. It was so out-of-tune it was almost

impressive. Olly Murs joining in only made it worse.

‘Sorry Man,’ quips Cowell, when they asked to have another try. ‘It’s not going to make any difference Woman.’

4. JENNIFER PHILLIPS *****

34 year-old carer who having been prevented from singing Beyonce’s

Halo or Celine’s Alone knocks gospel pop classic Shackles out of the park (what am I saying?).

‘You took us to church girl,’ says Cheryl in an accent that was not so much the Deep South as South Wales.

5. TOM DAVIES **

Gym receptionist from London who, at the age of 25, is already too old to be doing horribly over-active renditions of Justin Bieber songs.

‘Who is your inspiration ?’ asks Cowell.

‘Cheryl,’ Davies says. ‘I want to be a male version of Cheryl.’

Just what the world needs: a man who is better at lip-syncing than singing.

6. MASON DAVIES ***

21 year-old hunk whose cocky impression of Timberlake will best be

remembered for Rita Ora’s dancing.

Glorious: Tom Bleasby caused Cheryl to practically shout ‘oooooh !’

7. TOM BLEASBY **

Shy 19 year-old from Leeds whose career as a politics student forced caused Cheryl to practically shout ‘oooooh !’ as if it meant to be wasposh. Bleasby duly received a standing ovation although Cowell admitted his weird warbling wouldn’t be to everybody’s/anybody’s liking.

‘Tom, it’s four big fat Yeses !’ cheered Cowell, perhaps thanks to an unfortunate Freudian slip.

8. 4th POWER ****

Ostensibly four innocent young girls who had crossed the globe to take part in ‘The X Factor UK’, it was hard not to conclude that what we were witnessing here was the Philippines’ answer to the Spice Girls – a fully-formed sensation. Either way, their version of Jessie J’s Bang Bang was so banging it caused Cheryl to make several faces last pulled by Una Stubbs in Worzel Gummidge. Substantially better than Cole herself, let alone Little Mix, 4th Power incited the first sight of dollar signs in Simon Cowell’s eyes.

Impressive: 4th Power certainly blew the judges away on Saturday night

9. DANI CLAY ***

33 year-old who deserves double props – a) for being a teacher and b) for singing Marvin Gaye without inflicting too much damage on our memories of I Heard It Through The Grapevine.

10. JON GOODEY *

27 year-old IT salesman who used to be in a band with Olly Murs, Jon committed the even bigger faux pas of turning up for his audition in a shirt and SHORTS. Where’s the glamour? If you want to be a pop star at least make an effort. And don’t tell everyone you know Olly Murs.

‘Go on Jon !’ his famous friend helpfully shouted from the side of the stage.

All in all, Goodey’s performance was Not Good, about as authentic as the groom singing at his wedding reception.

‘Be nice guys !’ prayed Murs, sensing that the judges weren’t going to be.

So it proved. ‘What will I remember from that audition? I won’t remember anything from that audition,’ summarised Rita Ora.

‘I think there’s a reason you’re not in a group now,’ agreed Cowell. Ouch !

After Goodey’s wet approximation of such wimpy performers as Ed

Sheeran, Coldplay, and One Republic, Murs summed it up, consoling him: ‘It was horrible right?’

And that’s what his MATE thought of it.