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Soapwatch: Claudia Connell's ultimate insight into this week's soaps

Published: 17:30 EST, 4 September 2015 | Updated: 19:15 EST, 4 September 2015

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Trying to imagine the TripAdvisor reviews that soapland’s pubs and restaurants might attract is a game I like to play occasionally.

Nick’s Bistro: ‘Good food although the chef is prone to leaving the kitchen to cop off with customers, the charlady props up the bar most nights, while the waitress randomly joins in diners’ conversations.’

The Rovers Return: ‘Homely boozer, the staff do have a tendency to conduct their love lives in front of the punters, they also only serve one drink apiece before demanding to go on a break. Only one hot dish on offer.’

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Tracy confesses to Carla and when she gets back to Weatherfield she’s bundled off by the police

When it comes to The Woolpack in Emmerdale: ‘Good variety of locally sourced dishes, shame it’s always cold by the time it arrives due to chef’s habit of chatting to other diners while holding your plates of food.’

As for Cindy’s café in Walford: ‘Impressive menu, especially considering there is no sign of any kitchen. Reasonably priced, not that it matters as nobody ever seems to pay.’

The question of why anyone would frequent these establishments, let alone how they make a profit, remains one of the biggest mysteries in soap!

CORONATION STREET: YOU'RE NICKED TRACY!

The very idea that Tracy Barlow has somehow developed a conscience is a little hard to swallow. We’re talking about the woman who murdered her boyfriend and tried to sell her own kid here. But still, her apparent guilt at Carla’s suffering over the fire comes to a head on Monday.

After spotting a drunken Carla sitting in her car Tracy climbs into the passenger seat for a chat. Carla drives off and before you know it the two of them are teetering on the edge of a quarry.

Hang on a minute, isn’t it only seven months since Carla and Tracy were last teetering dangerously close to the edge of a quarry? Couldn’t the scriptwriters have come up with something a bit more original? Terrified they’re about to go over Tracy confesses to Carla and when she gets back to Weatherfield she’s bundled off by the police.

Elsewhere David decides he wants Gail to move out as they’re overcrowded. Since when was that a problem on Coronation Street? Eileen seems to have the whole of Manchester living with her.

Charlie welcomes Dot back in the Square (below) and a heart to heart with Ian at the launderette follows

Swaggering Callum is back on the scene on Friday after he takes Max from school and holds him at his flat. He tells Kylie and David he will return the lad – but he wants something in return. If only it was Gail as a flatmate, then they’d all be happy.

EASTENDERS: JANE PLANS A KILLER CONFESSION

Charlie welcomes Dot back in the Square and a heart to heart with Ian at the launderette follows, causing him to take some drastic action by leaving Walford with Bobby the biffer. Jane is becoming anxious about Max’s trial and tells Sharon that she’s prepared to say it was her and go down for Lucy’s murder.

She phones Detective Keeble to make her confession, but will she go through it? And, more importantly, does anyone care anymore? For the past fortnight Jane has been threatening to tell the truth, storms out of the house and then just comes back with a bag of chips, saying she needed to clear her head.

Later in the week yet another person on the Square learns that Bobby is the real killer. Let’s hope they blab because I don’t think the viewers can take much more of this.

Vanessa gets pushed to the ground and goes into premature labour

Things are heating up between Ronnie and Vincent and by the end of the week Ronnie makes a call about her marriage to Charlie – the man she’s been married to for eight months, six of which she spent in a coma.

Phil receives another text from ‘K’ asking him to meet her in the park. But when Phil arrives for the rendezvous he finds Gavin there instead.

Kathy makes an emotional decision about her future. Will she decide to stay in Walford and try and reconnect with the two sons who think she’s dead? I wouldn’t bother if I were her. One’s a murderer and the other is harbouring a murderer. Get yourself back to South Africa, love.

EMMERDALE: IS PORRIDGE ON THE MENU FOR BOB?

Bob is up in court on Monday in what must be the least interesting case ever. It means that his no-good daughter Carly reappears on the scene. But is she there to save the day or dump her dad in it?

Belle and Kirin throw a party to launch their business where Jai, high on cocaine, makes a spectacular scene. In the commotion Vanessa gets pushed to the ground and goes into premature labour.

Elsewhere, David wants to move back to the village to look after his father but Alicia isn’t prepared to leave Portugal for good. Does this spell the end for the Posh and Becks of Emmerdale?