Stacey's back! After days of digging by Walford's wannabe private detectives, Evil Archie's killer returns to the square. Lacey Turner will enhance EastEnders, by Jim Shelley

By Jim Shelley for MailOnline

Published: 15:32 EST, 18 February 2014 | Updated: 07:28 EST, 19 February 2014

Like Hotel California, you can check out of EastEnders any time you like, but you can never leave.

The likes of Janine, Bianca, Sharon, Ronnie, and David Wicks and the actors who play them always seem to be on their way out or coming back.

Recently we’ve seen Carol Jackson, Sonia (sadly without her trumpet), Shabnam, and Peter Beale suddenly re-appear - although these last two have seemingly undergone head transplants - and Jane Beale pops back sometimes (as she has this week), albeit in a legitimate storyline.

Stacey Branning (played by Lacey Turner) looks ecstatic about returning to Walford having moved back to the area even though she is a fugitive from justice and known by Roxy and Ronnie to be their father's killer. Smart thinking Stace' !

Unlike all the other characters who’ve ‘moved’ to places as far away as Brighton (like Jean), Jane does at least bother to visit her friends and family, taking time off from her new job as the alcoholic head teacher of Waterloo Road.

Now, and arguably best of all, it’s the turn of Stacey Branning, played by Lacey Turner.

It’s something of a surprise to see Turner back, especially so soon. She seemed one of those soap actresses – like Katherine Kelly, Sarah Lancashire, and Suranne Jones – destined to go on to other things. But once again, the lure of Albert Square was too strong.

As Michael Corleone said in The Godfather III: ‘just when I thought I was out, they pull back in.’

Having been on the run for three years after being accused by Juneeeeeeen Butcher of stabbing her, Stacey decided to return to Albert Square when Kat and Alfie introduced her to Little Tommy. No doubt years of unbridled happiness will follow

Anyway it’s good to see Stacey/Lacey. Now 25, her worried, sad little face has become more interesting with age, although she still has the sort of tough, argumentative attitude of a gal who might break at any second.

She also tends to attract strong storylines. On Christmas Day in 2007, more than 14million people watched the revelation of her affair with her father-in-law, Max as the Brannings and Slaters gathered round the video recorder. (Younger readers ask your parents.)

Turner starred in the live episode in 2010, learning just 30 minutes beforehand that Stacey was going to be revealed as Evil Archie Mitchell's killer.

Stacey was last seen three years ago on the lam, fleeing the country to Mexico after she was (falsely) accused by Janine of stabbing her. (It's a long story.)

Sex-Mad Max: 14 million viewers watched EastEnders on Christmas Day in 2007 when the Brannings and Slater families found out Stacey had been having an affair with her father-in-law. Ever optimistic, as Kat and Max set out to find her, he splashed on the after-shave

Last night, Stacey finally started her new era, after featuring in a record FOUR of the famous ‘Enders ‘dum-dum-dum’ finales.

First, Kat caught a glimpse of her from the top deck of a bus - the cue for Kat to launch into an impassioned but frankly intolerable screech of ‘Stay-cay ! Stayyyyy-cayyyyy !’

She didn’t actually feature at in the climax of the next episode, but she was the subject of it. We were all enjoying rare footage of Max at home, indoors, without his suit on when the doorbell went, prompting Max to hurriedly put his jacket on before answering it.

‘I’ve seen Stay-cay !’ Kat declared. ‘She’s back !’

The next ‘dum-dum’ came when Kat bluffed her way in to the address Stacey and her daughter Lily were living at when she saw her photo. Next we saw Stacey’s sad little face looking on as Kat fled, charging out like a prop forward, after Stacey’s partner Luke threatened to call the police.

Finally, Monday night ended with Alfie answering a knock at the door to find Stacey announce her return in familiar tones and the anguished demand: ‘Where’s Kat !?’

Stacey's new man Luke (Matt Willis) with her daughter Lily. Although living as a fugitive, Stacey hasn't told him about killing Archie, Bradley, her family or her, um, name. Mind you he hasn't told her he was in Busted

Clearly, it worked. EastEnders was Tuesday's most-watched soap, attracting 7.48m (31.6%) at 7.30pm. The ratings are particularly good given that it coincided with the beginning of the Manchester City vs. Barcelona game on ITV.

The storyline of Stacey’s return has already been rewarding, not least for the way it roused the suspicions of Abi and Alfie as it pushed Kat and Max together. Even though Kat is currently expecting twins, given their individual track records for playing away, this is bound to pay juicy dividends in the long run.

When Alfie characteristically messed up the appointment to see his babies for the first time, Max stepped in at her ultrasound (the Kat scan – geddit?!).

‘Are you a friend or relative?’ asked the nurse.

‘No !’ cried Kat. ‘We drink in the same pub !’

Max and Alfie showed unforeseen skills as candidates for Walford's first Private Detective Agency with Max copying the salon's database and Alfie surreptitiously tailing Max and Kat by lurking amongst the bananas dressed as a German SS officer

Setting off to the salon where Kat had spotted her, Max was dressed to kill, even jettisoning his famous brown suit.

‘I’ve just had your daughter in my face claiming that you and me are at it !’ screeched Kat delicately. ‘Aftershave ! Are you for real?!’

She should have known: a natural born (lady)killer like Max never wastes an opportunity.

‘If you coming with me to find Stacey is all about some grubby idea of re-kindling old flames,’ continued Kat. ‘You can forget about it !’

‘Well of course it ain’t ! She’s faaaaamily isn’t she ?!’ Max bridled, positively insulted, over-looking the fact it never stopped him before.

Max it was who found out where Stace’ was living (under the alias ‘Jenny’), showing unforeseen IT skills when he persuaded the manager of the beauty salon that he was there to check their computer for a virus and made a copy of their database.

I’d urge the writers to consider the idea of Max and Alfie opening their own Walford Private Detective Agency such was the quality of Alfie’s undercover surveillance when he followed Max and Kat.

After Kat passed herself off Stacey's new cleaner and left her a letter, Stacey and Kat celebrated finally being re-united by having a slagging match for old times' sake

Kat herself was not so cunning, damaging her secret mission to find Stacey by forgetting her handbag, her mobile phone, and Stacey’s keys for Alfie to find. She inveigled herself in to Stacey’s flat, passing herself off as her new cleaner, but then blew her new guise when Luke remarked that one thing Jenny hated was cleaning.

‘Same old Stacey,’ muttered Kat.

‘Who’s Stacey?’ he asked. Ooops.

When Alfie confronted her (‘the lying stops right now’), Kat tried the classic outraged complaints ‘have you been checking up on me?!’ and ‘you went through my bag?!’

She brushed aside his objection that ‘if the Old Bill find out, we’ll all go down’ with the time-honoured Walford defence ‘she’s faaaaaamily !‘

'What ? Are you pregnant?!' Stacey exclaimed when she over-heard Alfie. 'Of course I am you daft cow !' cried Kat. 'Did you think that I was just fat?!' Will you tell her or shall I ?

Sure enough, when Kat and Stacey were finally re-united, they embarked on a good slagging match for old times sake.

‘Wot, you just think you can come round and have a chat or somefink ?!’ cried Stacey.

‘You shouldn’t be with someone that you can’t tell the truth to,’ argued Kat, listing ‘the little details’ that she hadn’t told Luke. These were ‘the things that make you who you are,’ according to Kat, and included telling him about her ‘faaaaaamily’, ‘the love of your life’ (Bradley) and her, um, name.

‘I hate lying to him,’ Stacey/Jenny admitted, downplaying the fact that one other little white lie Kat hadn't mentioned concerned the fact that she was a murderer.

‘Me and Lily, we’ve got a nice life.’

‘What about the rest of your life? Me, Alfie, me dad, your nan, your mum?’

‘Is she here?’

‘No,’ Kat admitted. Neither was Kat’s dad or Stacey’s nan. When Stacey over-heard Alfie implore Kat to consider their unborn babies, she asked Kat: ‘wot?! You’re pregnant?!’

‘Of course I am you daft cow !' Kat cried. 'What did you think ? That I was just fat?!’

Will you tell her or shall I?

Danny Dyer's muvver's sister Aunt Babe (centre) told Danny Dyer and the Carter family that they have a more immediate problem than the fate of the market. The condition of their bulldog, Lady Di

Eventually Stacey did a runner, trying to make her way across the square incognito – only to stand out somewhat by using the bizarre tactic of ostentatiously covering her face with a large scarf and darting through the market in her bright red coat like the terrifying dwarf in Don’t Look Now.

She was avoiding Max, skulking in the alley behind the pub sobbing, when Danny Dyer (as he still remains to most of us) invited her to take refuge, asking ‘you had murders with your boyfriend?’

The Queen Vic wasn’t really the best place for Stacey to hide-out. It was only a matter of time before Max’s daughter Lauren walked in on her as she looked for some scissors. (No, not for some drunken self-harming. To make some protest signs about the market.) Stacey scurried home and while Luke had a shower, hurriedly packed, seemingly intent on returning to her family, having been inspired by Kat and Alfie introducing her to Little Tommy. Hard to imagine I know.

It may have been far fetched but having a murderer/fugitive/single muvver/Max’s lover back on the square still made for a welcome distraction from the other storylines.

These included:

• Lucy Beale, the human cat, breaking up with Danny after uttering the immortal line: ‘are you The Walford Wonder?!’ (Sadly, he was.)

• Bobby Beale enduring – as we then had to – the Borough Inter-School Spelling Bee tournament.

• Denise claiming: ‘what happened with Fat Boy made me realise what I want’ when none of the storylines poor Diane Parish is given are plausible – whether it’s kissing Fat Boy or going out with Ian, let alone marrying him.

Diane Parish laments the storylines she is being given such as Denise kissing Fat Boy or moving in with Ian Beale and asks alcoholic headteacher Jane Beale if she can get her a job in Waterloo Road

Then there was the council’s threat to close the market, which (call me crazy) isn’t really going to happen, as it’s the foundation of the local community and the whole series.

‘It’s a dreadful time for everyone !’ lamented Mrs Danny Dyer.

It certainly is, with viewers having to sit through endless scenes about petitions, protests and Alfie shouting things like ’this market is ours, not them plums in suits !’

‘Me and my lot, we’ve been here five minutes and we ain’t ‘aving it !’ roared Danny Dyer, who has spent his career announcing that he IS ‘aving it with the battle cry 'let's 'ave it !'

'It's a dreadful time for everyone,' said Queen Vic landlady Linda Carter. It certainly is. Viewers have endured endless scenes featuring residents making placards and rows like this one between Peter and market manager Aleks. Danny Dyer looks on with a cup of tea

Improbably, Ian was more concerned with Janine’s decision to cash in her 50% share of Scarlett’s – which was not that much of a surprise given that it wasn’t much used to her in prison.

‘And there’s we can do to stop Juneeen from selling her share?’ said Ian, paying his solicitor to find out that the answer to this question was... ‘no’.

Rather than try and save the market (which provides custom for his myriad businesses like the caff and chippie), Ian was having a clandestine lunch with the market manager and the local councillor.

Ian had agreed a bribe of one year’s compensation to help facilitate the market’s closure, arguing that, he had a wedding to plan and pay for – although when hasn’t he?

The residents of Albert Square gather to argue with manager Aleks about the council's plans to close the market, little realising that, as the heart of the community and - more importantly - the basis of the entire series, it's not going to happen

Ingeniously he was having his ‘secret’ strategy discussion in his own restaurant, right opposite the meeting about shutting the market down and unsurprisingly Denise caught him red-‘anded.

‘But this is like a golden ticket !’ he protested, about the council's bung.

‘Is that right, Willy Wonka ?!’ she carped. At least I think she said ‘wonka.’

Finally, viewers were left to digest the news from the latest addition to the Carter family, 'Aunt Babe' (the sister of Danny Dyer's muvver) that there was even more pressing news than the fate of the market, namely that Max’s dog had impregnated theirs.

‘I tell you who should be worried,' she announced. 'Lady Di. Biggest teats I’ve ever seen !’

And on that bombshell...