SOAP WATCH: Claudia Connell's ultimate insight into this week's soaps

By Claudia Connell for MailOnline

Published: 16:40 EST, 31 August 2012 | Updated: 16:40 EST, 31 August 2012


David Cameron and his cronies could do a lot worse than spending a couple of months watching British soaps if they want some ideas on how to improve the services of the NHS.

I mean, nobody ever has to wait for an appointment to see their GP. In Weatherfield, people can even wander off the street into the surgery and still be seen within 30 seconds. And if they can’t be bothered hauling themselves 100 yards to the medical centre, no matter – the doc is only too happy to drop everything and immediately visit their homes.

Dr Browning in Hollyoaks is even good enough to leave his office unlocked so patients can help themselves to whatever they fancy. Drugs? A butcher’s at someone else’s medical notes? Fill your boots.

David Cameron pictured at his home. If he watched some soaps, he might be inspired to improve the NHS

Home work: David Cameron pictured at his home. If he watched some soaps, he might be inspired to improve the NHS

Soap hospitals are brilliant as well. When Tracy Barlow wound up in Weatherfield General with kidney failure recently, her room was bigger than a suite at The Ritz.

The medical staff are miracle workers, too. Thanks to them, it’s perfectly possible to be lying in intensive care with death breathing down your neck at breakfast, but back in the pub downing G&Ts by teatime.

HOME & AWAY

RUBY'S REVELATION LEAVES ROMEO REELING

News of Ruby’s fake pregnancy pushes a devastated Romeo into Indi’s arms. But Romeo is left confused when he later discovers her sharing a tender moment with Liam.

April and Dex walk in on Bianca and kissing. Will this be the start of something?

Caught in the act! April and Dex walk in on Bianca and Heath kissing. Will this be the start of something?

Brax is beaten up and left to die by the side of the road, but will anybody believe Brax when he says who did it?

April and Dex walk in on Bianca and Heath kissing (above) and April is  worried about the impact it will have on her sister. What’s with all this ‘walking in on’ nonsense? Doesn’t anyone in  Summer Bay lock their door?

EASTENDERS

HATS OFF TO IAN, BUT KAT IS BUGGED BY HER INFIDELITY

Ding dong, the hat is gone! Yes, Ian Beale has finally removed his woolly hat. But there’s a setback on Tuesday when Lucy trusts him to do the food order for Beale’s Plaice and it all becomes too much for Ian, who at last accepts he needs professional help.

He’s not the only one – having drunk the Queen Vic dry, Shirley moves on to R&R, where she finds herself in the clutches of a sleazy punter called Pete. Luckily, Phil comes to his fiancee's rescue and sees off Pete with a well-thrown punch (above, right). I can't help feeling it would have been just as effective – and a lot less painful – if Shirley just threw up on his shoes, like she did with Kat.

Phil hopes that defending his woman's honour will win her back

Desperate? Phil hopes that defending his woman's honour will win her back

Phil hopes defending his woman’s honour will win her back but, instead, Shirley ends up at the B&B after Denise finds her sleeping rough. Get a grip, Shirl – at this rate you’re on a fast track to Woolly Hatsville.
Meanwhile, Janine continues to suspect that Michael is up to something. Who can blame her? The guy is forever lurking in doorways and creeping up behind people.

For someone who used to deal with nuisance husbands by pushing them off cliffs, Janine seems uncharacteristically attached to this one.
When she finds he has recently written a cheque for £20,000 she demands to know why – and the answer is not what she’s thinking.

With the pub plagued by an infestation of bedbugs, Kat has to move out – and quickly (and predictably) ends up in the arms of her lover.

But no sooner has Kat spent the night with him than she's feeling guilty and pining for Alfie and his bed full of bugs. However, Alfie tells her she can't come back until the fumigators have properly dealt with the problem.
If only they could terminate this tedious storyline as well.

EMMERDALE

KERRY CAUSES THE MOTHER OF ALL PROBLEMS

She was never a candidate for Mum of The Year, but this week sees Kerry really blowing her chances with daughter Amy.

When Amy boots her mum out on Monday, after discovering she stole money from the B&B, Kerry persuades Andy to put her up for a few nights, promising no funny business. Of course, in soapland, this means they’ll be together within the week.

Andy Sugden comforts tearful Kerry Wyatt and tells her not to give up... before the evening progresses

Good intentions? Andy Sugden comforts tearful Kerry Wyatt and tells her not to give up... before the evening progresses

Sure enough, on Wednesday when she offers to cook him a meal, Kerry serves up herself for afters (below).

Meanwhile, on Thursday, Alex tells everyone that he and Victoria are back together, but he still can’t resist a sneaky clinch with Moira.

On Friday, Alex decides he must break things off with Moira once and for all and, naturally, they end up getting it on again. Andy catches them at it and is appalled at their inappropriate relationship. Pot, kettle, Andy.

From Brookside Close's spirited Sheila to Coronation Street's latest Harridon

Gloria, Stella's Spanish-tanned mum, makes an instant impact when she arrives on the Street. Actress Sue Johnston is of course a familiar figure in telly drama, in roles such as cardigan-clad psychological profiler Grace in Waking The Dead or chain-smoking Barbara in the Royle Family. Sue is no stranger to soap: she played Brookside's Sheila Grant (later Corkhill). Sheila had a tough life – she survived a rape and her son Damon was stabbed to death.

HOLLYOAKS

MERCEDES IS BACK - BUT IS SHE BROWNED OFF?

Esther is anxious about her first day back at college

Uptight: Esther is anxious about her first day back at college

It’s the start of the new school term and Esther (above) and Ruby are anxious about their first day at college. Why? If previous terms have been anything to go by, they’re guaranteed to cop off with a teacher and spend most of the year bunking off at The Dog.  

Elsewhere plans for Doug and Leanne's sham wedding are going great guns, much to the disapproval of sulky Ste.

On Friday Mercedes returns from Dubai. Let’s hope she hasn’t been topping up that tan. She was the colour of a cup of strong builder's tea before she left – any darker and she'll look like she’s handcrafted from the finest Italian leather.

NEIGHBOURS

Jade decides to give her relationship with Kyle another go

Back on: Jade decides to give her relationship with Kyle another go

KYLE FEELS THE LOVE WHILE LOU FEELS GUILTY

After weeks of all the faffing, flowers, poems and surprise visits, Jade (right) eventually agrees to give her relationship with Kyle another shot. Personally, I’d have taken out a restraining order.

With Susan away, Paul plots to oust her as editor of the Erinsborough News. He even tries to rope Summer into his dastardly plan. Who cares? It can’t have more than half a dozen readers.

On Friday, Lou returns from the UK and finds himself homeless. When Kyle offers to take him in, he feels so guilty that he confesses to cooking the books at Dial-A-Kyle.

At least Kyle doesn’t have to worry about it happening again. What with all the stalking of Jade, he’s barely put in a stroke of work this past month.

CORONATION STREET

GLORIOUS GLORIA MAKES HER MARK

Ryan's desperation to get money to score drugs has him stealing Michelle's keys and breaking into the factory (below). Is he after cash?

He'll be lucky – with a workforce that stops for a tea-break every 10 minutes, the best he'll end up with is a super-sized box of Tetley and Hob-nobs.

Ryan steals Michelle's keys and breaks into the factory

Desperate for drugs: Ryan steals Michelle's keys and breaks into the factory

While there may be a recession in the real world, there are jobs aplenty in Weatherfield. Tina helps Owen do his books, Tommy becomes a security guard, while Karl gets work as – you'll never guess – a minicab driver!

And suddenly Dev's kebab shop, which hasn't been mentioned in months, is busy enough to need two new staff: Ryan and Tracy. Of course, it's not pieces of cubed meat that Tracy's interested in skewering. She clearly wants  to seduce Ryan and get him on-side in her mission to break  up Michelle and Steve.

On Wednesday, when Tracy emerges from Ryan's bedroom, it's pretty obvious it's not just drugs he can't say no to.

It's also on Wednesday that an exciting new character makes her debut. When the brilliant Maggie Jones, who played Blanche, died three years ago she left a gaping hole in Coronation Street. Her comic timing and pithy putdowns are sorely missed.

However, the hugely talented Sue Johnston, who has been brought in to play Gloria, Stella's mum, may well fill that void.

Brassy, mouthy and not afraid to dish out the backhanded compliments, she manages  to upset the entire street  within minutes of arriving– not least her own daughter.

Gloria offers Stella her own unique brand of maternal wisdom. 'Oh, all men are randy, weak-willed pigs and relationships are hard enough as it is – never mind for women of your age and bust size,' she tells her. Great stuff.

Read more from Jaci's Soap Box on www.jacinthesoapbox.blogspot.com