Rowan Pelling gives advice on sexual relationship with men who don't know about each other

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Our sex agony aunt tackles a query from a concerned reader
Our writer's friends think she should tell the men what she's doing
Rowan advises behaving with the grace you'd like to be treated with

Published: 20:02 EST, 13 September 2015 | Updated: 03:22 EST, 14 September 2015

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Question: When my son left home, his father went back to his previous girlfriend. After several years, I started dating again and have had sexual relationships with two men for six months. They don't know about each other, but neither has asked for commitment. I could happily carry on like this for a while, but my friends say it's not fair. What do you think?

Rowan says the writer should ensure everyone is on the same page before making relationship decisions

Answer: It depends on the scruples of the men. But if both are unaware of the question (i.e. would you mind if the woman you're seeing is also sleeping with someone else?), it's hard to discern the answer.

Has either specifically stated they're happy with a non-exclusive relationship? If not, you're on potentially troubling turf. Few people talk of commitment in the early months of a relationship, but it doesn't mean they don't want an exclusive deal.

I also wonder what you feel deep down about the dual-dating. Is it behaviour you'd have sanctioned before your son's father left you for his ex?

Or do you feel so let down that you don't trust anyone and think it would be naive to be transparent yourself? I wouldn't blame you. We all feel raw after a break-up, but we must also strive to avoid our mistrust damaging others.

Maybe you want to be a bit footloose after years in a one-on-one relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, but for a clear conscience you need to ensure you're all on the same page.

In dating you should always behave with the grace you would hope to be treated with.

It seems you don't want to make a choice, but can you date both indefinitely? It's exhausting to try to give two people equal time, intimacy and love - especially in secret.

And do you think that you'll ever be able to trust either of them when you aren't being trustworthy yourself?