Say hello, wave goodbye: Downton Abbey returns for its last series with Lady Mary being blackmailed and Anna and Mr Bates being cleared, by JIM SHELLEY

By Jim Shelley for MailOnline

Published: 16:09 EST, 20 September 2015 | Updated: 18:33 EST, 20 September 2015

It was the beginning of the end in Downton Abbey – not just the final series, but the end of civilisation as we knew it, at least in Julian Fellowes' eyes.

The year was 1925 and the times they were a-changin'. The demise of the aristocracy in post-war Britain was underway. Hurray! Unless you were one of the Crawleys, 

Lord Robert and his family were already in crisis.

Tally ho: The year was 1925 and the times they were a-changin' for Lady Mary and the Earl of Grantham aka Lord Crawley aka Robert as the demise of the aristocracy was underway

Tally ho: The year was 1925 and the times they were a-changin' for Lady Mary and the Earl of Grantham aka Lord Crawley aka Robert as the demise of the aristocracy was underway

'Most people are cutting down,' the Earl lamented to Carson as they discussed staffing levels. 'To be honest I'm starting to ask myself how long we can go on for.'

About eight episodes to be precise…

As his most loyal servant Mr Carson looked more upset than the Earl did, and even more lugubrious than usual.

'These are days of uncertainty,' Robert confirmed to Cora later, explaining one of his chums (Tim Nice-But-Dim) was 'emigrating to Kenya'.

Sir John Darnley meanwhile was selling the nearby estate at Mallerton and all his heir looms and moving to Thurloe Square (one of the poshest addresses in South Kensington). The ignominy of it…

'In twenty years time there won't be a house of this size still standing that isn't an institution,' Sir John warned them, practically screaming: 'get out now while you still can ! Run ! The working classes are coming !'

When Carson had arrived at Downton, he recalled happily, there were six footmen and five housemaids. Now there were only two of each – 'and no kitchen maids at all.' Now they were surviving with 'only one hall boy'

When Carson had arrived at Downton, he recalled happily, there were six footmen and five housemaids. Now there were only two of each – 'and no kitchen maids at all.' Now they were surviving with 'only one hall boy'

Downton itself was down to 'two housemaids and only one hall boy.'

ONE hall boy?! However did they manage?! For aristos like him, this was as desperate as signing on.

When Carson had arrived at Downton, he reminisced happily about the start of his servitude, there were six footmen and five housemaids. Now there were only two of each – 'and no kitchen maids at all.'

Plus now the housemaids themselves had given their notice.

'One is getting married,' Carson mourned, as if leaving Downton was on a par with being dead. 'And Madge has found a job in a shop.'

'And that's better than working here I suppose?!' his Majesty mocked.

'Madge says her young man wants her to be free in the evenings,' boomed Carson. Disgraceful. What was the world coming to?

Yes the peasants were revolting and polite society was crumbing around their ears – or in Fellowes' scripts.

His Lordship was coping manfully though as he faced a future without the human equivalent of full house - a footman, a valet, a butler, and something called an 'under-valet.'

'I don't like to feel out of step with my fellow man,' he preened, magnanimously accepting he would only have Carson to dress him and plump up his pillows (as it were). Never let it be said that Robert wasn't one of us.

'Who has an under-butler these days?' he harrumphed, musing: 'If I could stop history in its tracks, maybe I would. But I can't Carson. Neither you or I can hold back time.'

The fate of Anna and her husband after the mysterious demise of evil Mr Green was also resolved, albeit less clearly or convincingly as, worryingly, the village bobby let Bates the Murderer they were finally in the clear

The fate of Anna and her husband after the mysterious demise of evil Mr Green was also resolved, albeit less clearly or convincingly as, worryingly, the village bobby let Bates the Murderer they were finally in the clear

Not even Cher could do that.

All of this meant it was a bad time for being blackmailed by a Scouser demanding £ 1000 to keep Lady Mary's dirty weekend with Lord Anthony 'Tony' Gillingham out of the papers.

'Earl's Daughter In Love Tryst With Married Viscount !' foresaw Lady Mary's servant Anna Bates, who with headlines like that, should have been working for Edith at her little magazine.

Liverpudlian chambermaid Rita Bevan certainly unnerved Lady Mary, spookily following her round as she went about her business killing foxes and turning up at the house while Lady Mary was busy spending her day lounging around in a four-poster bed elegantly nibbling toast.

'It'll be a lot worse when you're sprawled over the pages of the News of The World,' Bevan warned.

'You're revolting !' sneered Lady Mary (also elegantly).

Rita's evil eye was so sinister Lady Mary even fell from her horse as Bevan watched on.

'Can't you see that none of that 'lah-di-dah gracious great lady' stuff works with me !' Bevan scorned. 'You think you're so marvellous don't you?! Your lot's finished !'

Fellowes had obviously been to Liverpool and had a bad experience there. Ms Bevan couldn't have been more cliched if she's stolen the hubcaps of the Earl's horse.

Some of his dialogue was more Walford 2015 than North Yorkshire 1925 too.

'Whether I pay up or not, either way my life's up the spout,' Lady Mary sighed.

'The cheek of her !' Anna tutted like a genteel Ronnie Mitchell. 'It was all I could do not to slap her.'

Thankfully the Earl saved the day by paying Bevan off with 50 quid.

This was a shame in a way as the other storylines and sub-plots weren't so promising.

Lady Edith is so insipid that few of us can really care whether she moves down to London or not. And although Fellowes billed the squabble between Isobel Crawley and the Dowager over the hospital as 'Health versus Power', it was a phony war.

Regrettably, Thomas Barrow was having one of his nice phases taking new boy 'Andy from Bayswater' under his wing and even giving children piggyback: slightly creepy.

As for the issue of whether Mrs Hughes was going to go through with her marriage to Mr Carson, in terms of dramatic tension, this was never in doubt.

They hadn't fixed the date though – on the spurious grounds of Mrs Hughes being worried that he was expecting her to 'perform her wifely duties', which he was.

'Is that what she's offering instead - warm friendship?' Carson asked, presumably wondering HOW warm their 'friendship' was going to be.

'I hadn't fully considered all the 'aspects' of what I was getting into,' Mrs Hughes fretted to the (un)happy couple's go-between and her unlikely confidante on the subject of sex, Mrs Patmore.

'Well there's nothing so terrible about it is there? So they say. I wouldn't know of course,' offered Mrs Patmore – an early example of #TooMuchInformation. 'Perhaps you can leave the lights off.'

Quite.

No one mentioned Anna's new haircut. She had gone blonde in the manner of Madonna circa 'Like A Virgin'

No one mentioned Anna's new haircut. She had gone blonde in the manner of Madonna circa 'Like A Virgin'

In the end, the Downton violins exploded into their loudest, most rousing, crescendo yet as - like the Man From Del Monte - Mrs Hughes said 'Yes.'

'If you want me, you can have me, warts and all !'

And they say romance is dead.

Finally, the fate of Anna and Mr Bates and the mysterious demise of evil Mr Green was also resolved, albeit less clearly or convincingly.

'If they'll just leave us alone, I'll be happy whatever comes,' Bates glowered/growled. Perhaps he should stop murdering people then, you thought.

Surprisingly, and perhaps disappointingly, Fellowes seemed to have decided that, having strung us along for several series, Bates and Anna were innocent after all.

Mr Bates' cry of 'can I get a witness ?' had been answered. The finger had been pointed at another of Mr Green's rape victims, Sergeant Willis explained.

'This time it is over !' the village bobby cheered.

There still seemed something shifty about Bates' behaviour and the way he told Anna: 'I think I might go into Thirsk in the morning. Visit some estate agents. Start planning again. We're free, we're safe, and I have you.'

But so far it seemed as if they were finally in the clear.

No one mentioned Anna's new haircut. She had gone blonde in the manner of Madonna circa 'Like A Virgin.'

The Earl was obviously as bored by the storyline as we were, celebrating the news with ostentatious glee by offering to get the drinks in ('get three, no FOUR bottles...') and even (shock horror) going below stairs.

Well he wouldn't want them all coming up into his sitting room.

'A toast !' he cheered. 'British justice ! Envy of the world !'

Hardly. Mr & Mrs Bates were always being banged up by officers from CSI: Downton. It was a happy ending: Bates the Murderer was free…

His Lordship was so giddy with euphoria he started snooping around in the servants' quarters, curious to see how The Other Half Lives.

'Is this the refridgerator?' he asked Cora, as if to say 'I've heard of these.'

At this point Lady Mary insisted they dust down Lady Rose's gramophone and they all started dancing the night away.

But with the fate awaiting the Crawleys and aristocrats like them, little did they know it was the social equivalent of dancing on The Titanic.  

 

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