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A nun made of éclairs, cream horns, and a genoise sponge disaster...The Great British Bake Off was anything but a piece of cake for Paul, by JIM SHELLEY

Published: 16:15 EST, 23 September 2015 | Updated: 04:50 EST, 24 September 2015

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There aren’t many programmes that offer the spectacle of ‘a three-tiered mountain of eclairs in the shape of a nun’ – as the Great British Bake Off did in Patisserie Week. Possibly for good reason.

The Showstopper Challenge of a 'nun' smeared in butter-cream might sound mouth-watering (to some) but (to others) the ‘Religeuse L’Ancienne’ centre-piece should really be called ‘Sacrilegious.’

‘Get your chops round that!’ just doesn’t sound right - when you’re eating a nun. As for cutting it up… As the Pet Shop Boys once sang: it’s a sin.

It was ‘the quarter final’, Sue Perkins insisted, over-blowing it somewhat given that nearly half of the contestants were still left.

‘Anything with the word ‘final’ is a bit daunting isn’t it?’ trembled Flora.

Scroll down for video

Feeling the pressure: Flora Shedden admitted she was finding the word 'final' in quarter final a bit daunting

Call it ‘Episode 8’ then, you thought, as we all do.

As if to celebrate, the show had pushed the boat out for the Showstopper – asking them to make something that a) couldn’t be done and b) never really existed. (A ‘nun-shaped éclair mountain’ ?! Have you ever seen one?!)

There was an unbearable, unholy, tension in the kitchen as the contestants waited to see if their ‘three-tiered éclair nuns’ were still standing upright after their two-hour lunchbreak? (The contestants’ lunchbreak that is, not the nuns’.) The answer, mostly, was no.

Childhood memories: Nadiya decided to make some her eclairs bubblegum flavoured. 'Not quite my favourite' smiled Mary - her polite way of saying 'I hated it'

Keep calm and carry on: Flora faces the mountain of eclairs she has to make - into a nun. Or the shape of one

Even the night’s Star Baker struggled, with Nadiya’s nun emerging at the judges’ table as wonky and wobbly as one of the sisters from Father Ted – a Leaning Tower of Nun.

The saintly Flora’s Showstopper was missing a layer – so stunted it looked more like a very creamy Dalek that had been cut in half. Ex-term-inated!

Paul meanwhile completed a miserable hat trick of challenges by serving up a gooey mess that needed Sue Perkins to carry the base up to the judges’ table. His ‘nun’ looked as if she had been run over, splattered all over the kitchen worktop.

There was no doubt who was going home and little debate over the Star Baker. Nadiya won the first two Challenges so easily that her unsteady Showstopper didn’t matter while surprisingly (given his previous efforts) and unusually (for this show), Paul Jagger managed to screw up every round.

At least he was consistent. The prison governor and nation’s hero when he made a Bread Lion started badly and got worse.

For the opening Signature Challenge, the ‘quarter finalists’ were required to make ‘Cream Horns’ which was unfortunate not least because it prompted Sue Perkins to shout: ‘just 15 minutes until you give Paul the horn.’ Yuck.

Paul’s recipes were based around coffee liquor and brule banana. Paul Hollywood became visibly excited by the promise of sampling his namesake’s banana and Mary certainly liked the sound of a cream horn laced with booze. Hollywood had a minor tantrum though when the banana didn’t taste strong enough to his liking, stamping his little foot and whining: ‘It’s quite annoying! I really wanted that banana and custard thing!’

Some of Paul’s horns had no cream in them at all.

Where's the cream? Paul's namesake found some of his horns just weren't creamy enough. Bit of a fundamental flaw when you're making cream horns

‘You built me up there and just kicked me back!’ sulked Hollywood as if he deserved more sympathy than Paul himself.

Next, the contestants were required to make ‘mokatines’ – a square of genoise sponge filled with a beautiful shiny puddle of chocolate fondant icing.

Paul had one obvious problem. He had no idea how to make the genoise sponge, let alone the mokatine: a pretty crucial/fatal gap in his knowledge.

‘I should have done them but I haven’t,’ he confessed, even more red-faced than usual. ‘I really don’t know what I’m doing,’ he admitted, wandering hopelessly round the kitchen trying to understand what the others were doing before eventually concluding: ‘I’m going to make a sponge of some description, but it’s not going to be genoise.’

Sadly even his Not-A-Genoise sponge wasn’t very good. His first attempt was raw and the icing on his second cake didn’t set and tasted of ‘rubber.’ Apart from those three minor details, it was fine…Poor Paul was so embarrassed he looked as if he wished he were back in prison.

‘We’ve had some pretty interesting turnarounds!’ Mel Giedroyc encouraged him but it was not to be.

His heart must have sank when he heard Paul Hollywood announce for the Showstopper Challenge ‘what we’re looking for is a structural marvel being baked to perfection.’

Was that all?! No actually.

Sacreligious ? Flora's nuns didn't have enough flavour according to the judges. And didn't look anything like a nun according to everyone else

They wanted three tiers of éclairs ‘in the shape of a nun’ and ‘we would also love her to be freestanding!’ added Mel Giedroyc.

Mary Berry stressed that the éclairs had to be ‘strong and crisp. If they’re under-baked, they’ll bend.’

This, she said, would be ‘ghastly’ – as if the prospect of a bent éclair would be the ultimate evidence that life was not worth living: a mortal sin.

When it came to judging Paul Jagger’s Religieuse (or the top two tiers that remained intact), Mary was suitably damning.

Controversial: Paul used banana extract instead of fresh fruit which Mary detected straight away. Nothibng gets past her

‘So we know you had a problem and it didn’t hold up,’ she said gravely, like a doctor telling someone his (rather personal) operation hadn’t been a success.

Her disapproval of his decision to use banana extract rather than fresh fruit was severe: the icing on the cake if you like for his departure.

‘A bit artificial but it’s ok. It’s not going to blown your mind,’ Paul Hollywood encouraged him hollowly, with the patronising cheer saved only for the condemned.

‘Everything else looks good. Very good in fact.’

Going on the Great British Bake Off without having learning Genovese was certainly a blunder, although Ian’s oversight was arguably even worse.

Tucking in: Paul and Mary try out more cream horns - their fifth portion. Thus proving you CAN have too much of a good thing

‘I don’t feel like I’m very good at making cake. BIT of a fundamental flaw !’ he confessed. ‘But somehow I’ve managed to get away with it so far.’

Quite. The Great British Bake Off: the clue is in the name.

Ian was (as usual) too confident.

‘There’s not much that can go wrong with them!’ Ian said about cream horns. ‘Apparently using cocoa and pastry things can go wrong. But I’ve cooked this a couple of times at home now and it’s been fine!’

Using cocoa powder meant that, like last week’s squid ink, he served up something dark that looked alarmingly like fox poo – only this time creamy fox poo.

Confident: Ian declared there's 'not much that can go wrong' with cream horns. Wrongly as it turned out

His Mont Blanc and Black Forest gateau horns with chestnut puree and cherries with Kirsch sounded delicious but were, said Paul Hollywood, ‘raw.’

‘And as for that cherry liquor, there is far too much.’

‘The flavour IS strong,’ confirmed Mary Berry, without any suggestion that it was ‘too much’ for her.

The show’s other Baker prone to ‘over-complicating’ things (i.e. to show off) also struggled.

Flora spent more time on the ‘tuile cigars’ decorating her cream horns than the horns themselves and there must have been some doubt whether her combinations of ‘peach and thyme’ or ‘smoked almond and butterscotch’ were a good idea.

As for the ‘lime and basil’ éclairs in her Religeuse, Paul Hollywood asked: ‘I’m not getting either lime or basil. Are you sure you put it in?’ Never a good sign.

This left the title of Star Baker as a straight battle between Tamal and Nadiya – the best Bakers of recent weeks.

Neither of their nuns were ideal.

‘Tamal, please bring up your nun!’ requested Mel.

Tasty: Tamal was relieved when Mary and Paul liked his nun

'Not very nun-like': Tamal pushed the boundaries with his orange and pink eclairs/nun

‘Three tiers. Not very nun-like,’ tutted Hollywood to Tamal, indicating his creation which - being orange and pink – was even less like a nun than something made of éclairs would have been anyway.

Remembering the general idea of a BAKING contest,

Mary sampled the mango and passionfruit flavours and declared rashly: ‘I like it!’

Wonky: Nadiya struggled to keep her nun upright: a Leaning Tower Of Cream Horn

Nadiya’s nun ‘nearly stayed up.’

‘It has collapsed,’ said Paul Hollywood.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? IT’S A PILE OF ECLAIRS!

Nadiya had gone inexplicably off-piste with the flavours of her Religieuse, opting for flavours of peppermint and bubblegum that Paul spluttered was ‘potent.’

Scrapping through: Despite Nadiya's collapsing nun, she ended up with the Star Baker badge this week

Mary Berry was more lady-like, politely apologizing to Nadiya: ‘I’m afraid it’s not quite my favourite’ – her highly civilised way of saying: ‘I hated it.’

Tamal and Nadiya produced cream horns that sounded delicious.

Like a game of Cream Horn Poker, Nadiya saw Tamal’s lime & mascarpone and malt & honeycomb cream and raised him with white chocolate cream horns with rose syrup in one set and mocha & hazelnuts in the second.

‘A nice bake, well cooked all the way through, mixed right down to the bottom, beautiful buttery pastry, a hint of rose which works…’ rambled Hollywood.

‘It’s a cracker !’ beamed Mary more succinctly.

For the Technical Challenge of Mokatines, Sue Perkins asked: ‘Any tips Mary?’

There's only room for one Paul in this tent! Paul Jagger ended up losing out in the quarter-final

‘They should be sheer perfection,’ the great lady suggested regally, which is probably her motto for everything in life.

Nadiya’s mokatines certainly looked like perfection, even though she had only seen a picture of them before.

‘I did actually see this in Mary Berry’s recipe book,’ she carped. ‘Did I make it? No! I thought ‘well I’m not going to make that – that’s really fiddly!’

Nonetheless, Paul Hollywood was lost in admiration.

‘A good bit of height don’t you think?’ he asked Mary. ‘Great piping.’

‘Really very nice indeed!’ beamed Mary. ‘What a joy!’

And so after a shaky start, Nadiya’s triumphs in the Technical Challenge keep on coming.

‘I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience!’ she sighed dreamily. ‘I feel like: I didn’t even do any of that!’

But she did.

Nadiya is on a roll. On a wing and prayer.