The silver screen

After all my galavanting over the past few weeks...

...I decided it might be sensible to take break this weekend. Staying in the country I would catch up with some old friends, and maybe even try a bit of gardening; all the things that nice, normal people do - and seem to enjoy!

It all started well with dog walking and benevolent smiling at passing walkers.

Determined to ‘stay in the moment’ I called at an old friend's house and did some gentle catching up chat with what was going on locally. She told me that one of her new neighbours had suggested an amazing film - that couldn’t be missed - and why didn’t we go to see it that night?!

Naturally the 'new me' would be bound to enjoy a film that village ladies loved, I’ll bet there was a Mr Darcy in there somewhere - all tight breeches and rippling appendages…whats not to like, even if it is a bit tame.

"She’s got a face that looks like it’s been slapped with a wet fish!"

The film was at the local picture house, where the manager stands outside to welcome the customers in, and ladies with huge metal teapots serve tea while we wait for the film to start. All going to plan I thought - I have never felt more upbeat and relaxed - I really have cracked this country malarky!

The film began: THE most depressing and miserable film I have ever seen in my whole life...well pretty much up there anyway! All about some depressed older people having a really grey and miserable life in some rain sodden flat landscape. He’s got a heart condition - she’s got a face that looks like it’s been slapped with a wet fish - all in all dreadful!

Well! Suffice to say I couldn’t wait to get out of that place - such a torturous experience completely undid all the good I’d been trying to achieve and set me back months! But I’ve got a new plan.

 

I’ve decided the local councils must arrange a local early morning rave - and insist that everybody go! Get these people rocking out to Uptown Funk! This would do them a world of good and jolly them on and make them happy - and certainly be better entertainment (certainly for me) than any wrist slitting durge they seem to gravitate to!

 

It was back to the city for me after that, for meetings and dinners with Binks and friends. Lovely wine! Not a metal tea-pot in sight!

 

 

"Mummy Felstead…I have an embarrassing crush!"

Q:

 

Dear Mummy Felstead,

 

I am really worried at the moment as I have a problem and I would normally tell my own mum or friends, but this time its difficult.

 

Basically me and my best friend have almost grown up together and lived almost all the time in each others houses. But over the last few months I have started to develop feelings for her dad.  I’m really ashamed and worried as I love her mum, but I just don’t feel I can go to her house anymore as I’m sure it must be obvious and thats awful!

 

He’s never made any moves on me and he doesn’t look at me strangely, but I’m really embarrassed and I would hate my friend to think that I’m acting weird and put it all together.

I suppose you are going to say its a crush and I will grow out of it, but what do I do in the meantime? My own dad has gone and married again, and although I see him a bit things are different now amd I do love being with my friend and all her family.  Please help me I feel so lost.  xx

 

A:

 

Well my daring, you’re right - it is a crush, and it’s terribly normal, and understandable too.

 

I’m telling you this so you stop beating yourself up about it, and just understand that it will pass.

 

Your father leaving home will have left a huge gap in your life, and all that you have subconsciously done is transfer affection to another man who’s been in your life for almost as long. You’ve done this in a very innocent way - but because you are young and not used to these matters, for you it doesn’t feel like that.

 

We all love our mothers, but a girl and her dad have a very special relationship as he is the first man in her life to introduce her to the world, while protecting her. We sort of hero-worship them really, and the fact that your father has left, you are simply transferring that emotion to another man that you have grown to trust.

 

See it for what it is, and know that you don’t really fancy this man - but regard him as a bit of a ‘beloved - old dad’ protector. Once you’ve done this you will find that you can simply slot back into things as they were and once again enjoy and relax with your friend.

 

Having said all that, do please know that you can come back to me at any time if you need any more help.

 

MF XX

 

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

Revival of the fittest

So I’ve been thinking of joining the gym!

That - and cycling - has become the latest obsession it seems, and I can't bare to miss out.

I joined the coolest one I could, with the grooviest people and then set out to buy the clothes. I thought I’d start in Brighton as it’s full of the trendy and young; and I’m all about being enthused by this energy.

Parking in the only space I could find, I walked for miles buying all the stuff. Such fun! Pedometers, water bottles, and an outfit and trainers so unbelievably expensive I can really only justify wearing them for best! 

That done, I was wrecked! So instead of the the gym - I went home for tea and a nice piece of carrot cake! I know that it’s never wise to rush into a challenge, there would be plenty of time for me to work out on those instruments of torture over the next few days!

"No wonder they all had corns in those days!"

The next day I went to Goodwood for the Revival. I dressed in my 1950’s kit, with crippling shoes - no wonder they all had corns in those days - and set off. It was chaotic. I had to park so far away, the only way I could ever find my car again was to get as close to the Wall Of Death, and use it as a reference point. I was there with A-L and her chap, and loads of their family and friends for hours it seemed. 

We had a ball - I had to buy another shooting stick - I have hundreds now, I could open a shop with them - and at about 5 pm, after I’d had enough of admiring pistons I thought I’d sneak off. With gritted teeth and bleeding feet I set off on the long arduous journey to the sanctuary of my car. 30 minutes later I finally saw it in the distance, and as I set a course to get it, my phone rang - it was Binks. “Where are you?" she asked "we’ve just arrived!" 

"On my way home darling," I said. "I’ve had enough - I’m exhausted."

"Oh don’t be so boring," said she, "stay, we can go on the funfair and eat candy-floss and I’ll buy you an ice-cream!" The fact I have no willpower (I never have) didn’t surprise me, but you'd have thought I'd have had more sense! 

I turned course and made my way back,  eventually found the three of them, all being gorgeous and funny and bad - and it was worth it. We ate ice cream, went on the rides, and I laughed! At about 8pm - now shoe-less - I (leaning on my much loved son’s arm) limped back to the car, and home.

I still haven’t had the energy to get to the gym - do you ever I wonder? Will it ever make me feel better? Will I ever wake up with a burning desire to go and work up a sweat for an hour or so, or am I deluding myself?

I have managed to slip into the outfit and wander around the shops where the cool people go - and hopefully look the part! But I pray that nobody actually asks me what sort of regime I’m doing when I’m there! I would be horrified to admit that I’ve never actually made it past the bar!

"Jane - he's back in my life, but things aren't the same..."

Q:

Dear Mummy Felstead,

I am writing to you with a bit of a dilemma!

21 years ago I met a boy and we fell in love; I was 25 and he was 31, we really connected and were interested in all the same things. I eventually thought that after kissing a few frogs I had met my prince.

He was funny, intelligent and like myself believed in all things spiritual. One of the books he gave me was 'The Prophet' by Khil Gibran; a book which totally blew me away then and still does.

However after a year our romance was doomed. He is Asian from Pakistan and his family told him it was now time to marry. They knew nothing of me and had lined him up a suitable match. Both of us were heart broken as we knew we had no future now. So Sadly we parted.

After all of this time he contacted me again. He is still married and I am recently divorced. We have texted a few times and eventually arranged to meet for coffee. I see no future anymore, however he keeps asking me where I see this going? As well as this, both times he has arranged to meet me he has cancelled! But he still wants to text...

I just would like to see him for a catch up but not sure what is going on. Can you help?
XX

A:

I can understand that you would love to see him and catch up. Lots of unfinished business here - and I’m sure you would really like to spend some time with him, lay things to rest and move on. 

However, I think you are putting yourself in very dangerous territory if you do re-establish any kind of relationship with this man.

You are clearly an intelligent open minded woman, but don’t be fooled into thinking that just because you’ve had a life and different experiences in the last 20 years that you will be able to handle it (and not be affected by what might be thrown up) were you to see this man again. 

Lets face it, in simple terms - he shouldn’t really be contacting you. He’s married, and from a very different culture.

He’s never going to leave his wife, and yet he’s asking you what sort of future you may have. He’s having fun flirting with you, but lets you down at the last minute. There is no way he wants to meet for just coffee - and all that I can foresee here is heartbreak for yourself. 

Please put this man in the memories box. Think of him with affection - but do not let yourself be drawn back into the past. He’s stuck - going nowhere; and you have a free and bright future ahead of you. Realise the blessings in this - and walk on XX

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

Happy Birthday to moi!

This week we celebrated my birthday!

I say we - because I'm still selfish enough to make my children feel real guilt if they don't put their lives on hold for...well generally the weekend actually! I'm good at dragging it out.They must devote their time to having fun with me.

By the end of this event the kids are twitching with the frustration of having to behave and be nice and not forget what day it is - and could happily throw me in the Thames!

This year was a bit different because I was working at QVC for some of the weekend, which gave everyone a bit of a break - but also gave me a whole new insight to friends and the importance of them.

"I had the very best time this year - ever!"

There I was among women of a similar age (all obviously far younger which was annoying) but they all understood the birthday 'this should all about me' feeling! They understood there was no point in lying in bed waiting for somebody to bring tea, as we would be awake at 6am as usual...so far better to just get up and make it ourselves. 

They also knew that the dishwasher was never going to empty itself, or the dogs be able to get kurt for their morning pee alone - so much better to put any frustration and 'princessiness' aside and just get on as normal!

I had the very best time this year - ever! I was given lovely last minute presents by great, and likeminded women. There was constant raising of glasses or coffee cups, and much laughter and understanding of this all being in the same boat feeling. 

When I did finally manage to get back to the kids there was a satisfyingly 'where have you been? We thought we could all go out to breakfast/lunch/shopping' conversation - and for once in my life I was able to say 'well I would have loved too - but I simply didn't have time!

 

"Feeling slightly lost in LA, Jane…"

Q

Jane, I am truly sorry I don't know much about who you are but I live in the US, Los Angeles to be exact.

I am 26 I have a one year old. I used to be the smart, fun girl with a million friends. I am extremely loyal and dish it all out but ever since I got pregnant it's like I have lost my friends one by one.

Now that my daughter is one it's hard to find girl friends or just friends in general who have no motives; just cool chicks, or guys, that are genuine and open to being life long friends?

What can I do? I feel like the people here in LA live such a fast life and I'm more of a slow pace kinda gal. I do have a baby but I really want genuine people in my circle even if I don't see them much. People I can just call and we can chat about anything.

Please help...

A

Are you in a relationship? If not - then obviously everything is harder, and you will feel more alone. We often see images of young women with babies - surrounded by friends, all getting involved and being supportive - but sadly in the real world this doesn't happen often.

When a fun party girl suddenly has a child it obviously changes the dynamics of the relationship for many people, most of whom regard babies as a tie that prevents them having fun and being irresponsible - and actually forces them to think about the next stage of adulthood, most of which they're trying to avoid!

Although they may feel guilty about just slipping away - it's so much easier than staying and actually being honest - and it will help you find peace if you actually understand that.

So, going forward, you must make new friends! This is easier to do than you think as there are  hundreds of girls in your town that are in exactly the same position; you just have to realise that.

Walk in the park, chat to people with children and find out how they're doing it. Don't get hung up on the fact that your past friends are flakey - one day they will be in exactly the same position as you, and by that time you will have got your life totally sorted, and will be able to look back at them with pity - and a very enjoyable sense of smugness!

Good luck angel - I promise you're going to be okay xx

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page 

 

FOMO!

WELL - thank goodness that one’s done!

I’ve never been ‘big’ on Bank Holidays frankly! The planning and expectation…and all too often the rain and disappointment - all a bit of an anticlimax generally! 

 

I struggle massively with FOMO - so I’m in constant battle with myself, dragging myself off to everything I’m invited to and probably being a really boring pain in the backside when I’m there, totally convinced I ought to have gone somewhere else, and wondering if I have the time to make my excuses and exit! 

 

"Heaven knows where the corpses ended up - I’m sure I saw a few decorating the Victoria sponge"

 

In order to avoid this, I chose to spend this weekend at home alone, catching up on the books, films and tedious jobs; convincing myself I needed the rest, and would enjoy a bit of indulgent ‘me time’...  

 

I didn't! 

 

By Saturday lunch I was climbing the walls! 

 

It wasn’t just the (almost biblical) rain, it was the fact that I KNEW that somewhere, all the people I most love might be having a wonderful time - and I was missing out! 

 

In  desperation I thought I’d go and have a walk around the local and very lovely village of Alfriston. I would attempt to engage in whatever I’d never noticed that clearly makes these tourists happy.

 

The first thing that became apparent was these genteel old souls have absolutely no driving skills - and all suffer from dreadful road rage! Parking was was like the first day of the Harrods sale - and I count myself lucky to have escaped with only one obscene hand gesture and a few black looks.

 

I made my way into the village for a cup of tea, and suddenly it all became worth it. There, sitting in the window of the Humming Kettle was an elderly lady with a fly swatter, that she clearly takes everywhere. The owners of the cafe were not happy as she kept leaping up from her seat, and madly swatting around the cakes. She was a pretty crack shot actually, and heaven knows where the corpses ended up - I’m sure I saw a few decorating the Victoria sponge...and nobody in their right mind would have chosen a fruit scone!

 

Next thing was a middle-aged couple - I’m guessing from London - wearing matching tweed shooting garb - complete with caps and garters. They had clearly bought these incredibly expensive garments for their country weekend, and in order to walk their miniature dachshund. Obviously they looked silly - but it gave me a lot of pleasure - which says a lot about what an unpleasant human being I clearly am!

 

I passed the time very happily actually. I bumped into an old friend and we nipped into the wonderful Wingrove House for a bottle of champagne and debrief, and I eventually sauntered back home in a far better mood for putting my feet up and watching TV trash.

 

Today though - back to normal, and thank heavens for that! I’ve been turned blond again…and I know exactly where everybody is - and that I’m having a far better time than them!

 

 

 

"Help me Jane...I'm driving myself crazy!"

 

Q:

 

I met my boyfriend 4 and a half years ago and he had a son that he did not have contact with due to him and his ex having a huge bust up. So after all these years it has just been me and him. I tried to get him to contact his ex again to sort things out and gain access to his son but he always refused as his son now called another man dad.

 

So a few months ago he and his ex bumped into each other unexpectedly and then he messaged her and told her he wants to start building a relationship with his son. She agreed and it happened, they met up just the two of them at first to talk about things and then a week later he met his son at the local park.

 

I have been very supportive with him. But now every Sunday they have all been going to the cinema together and doing all these fun family days out. I was happy for him because he's making up time he has lost in the past. But it has been happening a lot and the ex knows about me but doesn't want me around her son and playing mummy (so she said to my partner).

 

This upset me as I will not be playing mummy at all; I am a young woman, I will just care for their son and make sure he is looked after when in my company. Now he has started being allowed to take his son out alone which is lovely. I have been staying out of the way until she accepts it. But since he's been taking his son out alone he will then drop him home and go into her house and have a cup of tea and a chat until late at night past their son's bedtime.

 

They text each other most days which is fine by me if it's about their son, but I don’t feel this is really necessary if he sees his son twice a week. Am I right to be upset with the way they are all playing happy families? My boyfriend says I'm paranoid. He thinks I am trying to make him choose between me and his son which is complete rubbish, I just don’t want him and the ex to talk every day and go for days out together. I want him to stick up for me and tell her I am his partner now and he has moved on.

 

I know its not my child but I would like to be involved. Why does he enjoy going into her house every Wednesday after he's spent 4 hours with his son swimming? Why can't he just drop his son off home and say goodbye and come home to me?

 

Am I being unreasonable? We have been arguing a lot about it recently because I get upset that he's at her house until late at night. I feel as if he doesn’t respect my feelings; I love him so much but I just feel pushed to the side and lonely.

 

A:

 

This seems to me like one of those times when you’ve done the right thing - but the outcome hasn’t been what you would have wished. This is not your fault at all - I’m afraid it’s just the situation.  

 

You have - for all the correct reasons - helped a small child have a relationship with his father. This is something that you must be proud of forever - whatever happens to your relationship with your boyfriend!! 

 

On that relationship issue - I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable in expecting you to be okay with this situation as it’s going forward. I totally agree with you that if he is to continue seeing his ex as much as he is (outside of the necessary time) then he really has to make you feel very loved, special, and involved. He must understand that you may feel 'cast aside' now that they are getting cosy again, and make more effort in his relationship with you, and reassure you that you are still the one.

 

As with everything, the only way to go forward with this is to talk, and if this only causes flare ups - then maybe write. Explain all as you have to me - and ask him to see it from your side. If he isn’t prepared to do that - then that's the next stage and maybe you will have to let him go and find somebody more deserving of you. I feel sure he will not want that however, it's all very well being friends with his ex now - but I’m sure the memories of the bad times he had with her still linger.

 

Don’t think about the 'what ifs' - they have not yet occurred. You must just take the higher ground remembering that you have done the right thing and try never to regret that. 

 

I do hope this helps! With my love J x

 

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page 

A few difficult moments!

So yesterday I spent most of my time sitting in the garage...

 

I was trying to convince the engineers that my car IS making a weird noise - and just because I’m over 30 I can still hear, and am still worried!

 

Whilst on my fourth coffee, another lady of similar vintage joined me, and we - in rather un-British fashion - began talking. She told me that her car was the only decent thing she had left after her divorce - and that she was simply ‘going to have to find another man’ as otherwise what would she do?!

 

Now, obviously I’ve been around the block a bit and am in a very different place (thank God ) to this woman, but I was intrigued that she felt that finding a replacement partner would solve her (among other things) car issues. So, all ears, I pressed her further to share her plan to find this ‘wonder man’ - the like of which I know from experience are pretty thin on the ground!

 

Online dating she said! THIS was the answer! She had joined four different sites and was having fun - although she told me that there had been a few 'difficult moments!’  

 

At this point I was praying than my car had broken down somewhere - forever if need be! I needed more time to find out exactly what the difficult moments were; and as she was now near to tears, I didn’t feel that I could leave her - but staying for no reason seemed a bit voyeuristic.

 

I’m not going to go in to all the details here, but suffice to say this very decent, unworldly lady of a certain age had found herself having to call the police to her home twice. She had been stalked, robbed and threatened - and had temporarily had to move house ‘until the dust settles dear!’  

 

Now, forgive me if I’m missing something, but are these just ‘a few difficult moments'…or are they an absolute nightmare of huge proportions? I think it's tragic that she felt finding a man was worth putting herself through so much angst, and that she genuinely believed that she was (her words) 'like a sheep, that needed a dog to guide her’ -  no matter how harshly!

 

Anyway my car came back - with noise - and I left. 

 

To clear my head, I took Ted for a walk in the rain - and came home via the supermarket, where I bought chocolate and magazines. As I sat on the sofa with my dear hairy mate beside me, gently leaking noxious gasses, I thought actually, what is the point of all this searching and longing? If it's meant to happen it will; and from where I was sitting...well it was just like being married anyway!

 

 

 "Jane, I am still so saddened by the loss of my baby..."

 

Q~

Hi Jane,

 

Wondering if you can help, I'm emailing because I don't really know what else to do, seems I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, the first two years were amazing, lots of laughs and good times. Last year I found myself in a bit of tricky situation, after losing my grandparents my body seemed to shut down and my period stopped, I was on contraception at the time, but the doctors told me to stop using this until my cycle returned as I was no longer ovulating.

 

But then I fell pregnant! Being in my early 20s I didn't really know what to do, so I explored the ways I could have the child, my parents said they'd support me whatever decision I made, but my boyfriend said that it would ruin his life. He already had a child from a previous relationship that he said he didn't want! He said that if I continued with the pregnancy I'd ruin his life, his family would look down on him and that he would resent me and the child if I were to have it.

 

Things got a bit complicated and I was refused a straight forward termination from the clinics and had to wait to be referred to a hospital to have a medical termination. All the way through this time, which ended up taking me up to 15 weeks, I battled with the thought of keeping the child, I'd developed feelings for it, and I considered whether I could actually cope. My parents said they'd be there for me but my Dad said that if I did I'd be doing it alone as they didn't think my boyfriend would stick around. He didn't stick around for the first child he had, so why would he for this one?

 

So with no choice and feeling pressured I went and got the termination. Since then I've felt awful, I've cried everyday and thought about what would have happened if I had kept the baby. After the  termination my boyfriend put me through a lot, I felt that he didn't really understand or care to a degree about what I'd done or been through - the physical, emotional and mental hurt and pain I felt.

 

To him it's as if nothing has happened, he cares so little about it. It's been somewhat constant arguments since, I've seen him in a different light and I question whether we really can continue? Whether he'd want kids in the future? He says he does, but I don't believe him! I feel like if he did he'd not have put pressure on me to get rid of the one we could have had. I feel so bad about last year, I can't move on from it, I feel like I'm somewhat damaged and I'm even in counselling. 

 

 Everyone keeps telling me to ditch my boyfriend, they say he's controlling and that he'll never change his ways, he's very immature and is too into himself . I don't really know whether I just feel the way I do towards my boyfriend because of last year's events, whether I'll ever be able to get over things. I question whether I'd feel the way I do now if I were with someone else?

 

It's a scary thought and I don't really know what to do - I have so many voices in my head from friends and family (who don't really know of last years events) and I'm confused. A bit lost really. Can you help?

 

Thank you.

 

K

 

A~

 

I’ve read and re-read this email and I do feel so sorry.  A woman and child, her body, her emotions, can never be properly understood by many, sadly including her partner; and that causes even further hurt.

 

So all I can do is tell you that in my opinion you were put in a hugely difficult position. I understand why your parents suggested what they did. They love you and were being practical. They know that the future of a single mother is a difficult one - and they probably assumed that once the termination was over you would simply ‘bounce back’ and get on with life and your relationship again. This clearly hasn’t happened - and I can totally understand why.

 

However, now my darling - time to call a halt! You did what you did for all the right reasons and you will never be judged harshly by anyone so try not to feel guilt...that is so destructive. 

 

The question now is moving forward. The majority of men, sadly, would behave exactly as your boyfriend has. Its so cut and dry - done, move on, have fun and get on with life. The big question for you is are you happy with a man who takes this approach? A man with so little understanding and depth? You have been given the opportunity to see this chap for exactly what he is - and for many I’m sure that would be enough. For you however it’s clearly not.

 

I can’t tell you to dump this chap and move on. I can tell you that I don’t believe he will ever turn out to be caring or sensitive.

 

Knowing that now, you can ask yourself the question: if you were to decide that you don’t want to invest more of your young life on somebody who’s really not going to be able to give you what you fundamentally need - then maybe it’s time for a fresh start? As I always say - it is much easier finding love when you’re young and lovely, so please don’t waste any more time.

 

Do please get back to me if I can help any more. Good luck.

 

Jxx

 

 Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page 

Zen!

Had a lovely week...

After the chaos and excitement of the past month I decided that I needed a break, so would stay home, catch my breath, and get in touch with life in the country again. I would remind myself why I have a house here - and that I have great friends who don’t react to the fact that I’m pretty flakey - don’t remember birthdays, or go to the flower show to show support for their exhibits!  

 

I attempted to adopt a Zen like state.  

 

I stretched and breathed deeply, and didn’t react to the third call before 10am, offering me a PPI refund. I took my dog for a walk around the local farm, and didn’t react when I got a note on the back of my car threatening to clamp me if I park there again (I’m trying to convince myself they never knew it was me) I didn’t react when an old friend who’s known me for 30 years told me that she’s pleased to say I’m looking better - as I looked bloody rough last year!  

 

"I'm developing a taste for eye wateringly expensive herbal teas"

 

Even while typing this I haven’t reacted to the interruption of a Jehovah Witness wishing to save my soul, or the next one wanting to sell me fresh fish from the back of a white van!  My hand doesn’t instinctively switch on the coffee machine - and I’m developing a taste for eye wateringly expensive herbal teas.

 

Even my Ted's benefitting. He’s stopped (well stopping) wanting to rip the legs off any passing Labrador (he’s got small dog syndrome) and as we sit quietly in the sun on the river bank I can feel him thinking ‘shoulders back - b r e a t h e...!'

 

So, now - where does this lead me? I’ve certainly benefitted from a week’s R&R - but it’s an unnatural state I believe. I can of course - because of my great age - just give up and relax into this type of lifestyle, but I’m really not convinced  I’m there yet. Although it's tempting to try - I’m terrified that if I continue to impose this pop eyed, madly grinning, heavy breathing woman on the locals, the next white vehicle arriving at my door will be for me!

 

 

 

"Jane, marriage seemed to have changed my best friend…"

Q:

 

Dear Mummy F,

I'm in desperate need of some good advice! 

A few months ago my "best" friend got married. I say "best" because things have changed, big style. Before the wedding we'd see each other constantly, we couldn't go 2 weeks without seeing each other! But since then I've seen her six times, each of them with her partner as well, never just us.

 

Its always 'next time just us' and it never is. I feel like like I'm losing my best friend and I'm at the point of giving up the fight and letting it happen. I know that sometimes before people get married they don't want to rock the boat/fall out or such before the wedding and I feel as if that's what has happened to us. I thought for a while maybe her partner had a part in this change but after spending time with them I see that it's her creating this distance.

 

They're also having a baby, and although it was never explicitly agreed,  I had the impression it would be me as godmother as she would be to mine also - but im not. I was devastated. When they were planning the wedding I helped her out with bits n bobs and was there if she needed me but with the baby I've been shut out completely. I don't want a big part of it, I'd be ecstatic just going to get baby things with her, but I'd like to feel like she still wants me around. 

I feel this is the end for our friendship but I don't know whether its worth fighting for. Please help! 

A:

 Hi Alison 

I can understand the hurt you're feeling. Years of closeness, fun and sharing, then suddenly to be excluded so sharply is hurtful, and a bit cruel frankly.  You must feel you’ve been replaced and are no longer important or needed.  

 

 My view is that we never really know what’s going on in another person's head, and you know very often they don’t know themselves!  

 

People change, and a big thing like marriage speeds that process considerably. It’s a new beginning, and many people have a sort of shake up of the old routines...get things organised differently. I can’t imagine the reasons she wants to see less of you - but maybe she felt she was becoming too dependant on you, and now she’s married she wants to grow up, take control and go forward.

 

Either way there’s nothing you can do here other than accept as graciously as possible. Know this is her issue, and even though it’s naturally affecting you - you are not to blame. Once you have reached this understanding you will find peace within the situation and will be able to move forward. There’s every chance you know that in a while she will come back and want to regain the old friendship she had with you. If and when that happens you will be in a far more secure place, and will be able to make a decision whether or not you want that, and at that point she  will be writing to me!

 

If I had £1 for every person / friend that’s dumped on me and hurt me - I’d be in Bali right now on some exotic holiday! What I do now have instead, is a far deeper understanding of human nature - and the strength and safety that knowledge gives me is is worth a million!

 

With much love J xx

 

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email  askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter 
@mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

A day at Hickstead...

Had a wonderful surprise recently...

I received an invitation to Hickstead - home of The All England Jumping Course.

When I was a small girl I dreamed about going to Hickstead and riding in the main ring - galloping around on a sleek well behaved pony, winning everything - and not falling off.

Naturally it never became more than a dream…so this sort of explains my excitement at finding myself in the main ring - albeit not on four feet!

I was invited by Daisy Honeybunn - daughter of the late Douglas Bunn - who I’d met in March while doing Burgs meditation retreat in Wales. One of the most fabulous things about this retreat is that it was silent, which was a luxury. It allowed me time to process all the grot of life and make sense and deal with it, coming back feeling like I’d had a brain makeover. So, on the last night, the silence was broken - and I immediately heard huge gaiety and laughter - which turned out to be Daisy!

"Nothing can be gained in this life by sitting on the sofa being sensible!"

Now I feel she won’t be offended by me explaining that Daisy is one of the most fluent communicators I have ever met! She’s incredibly beautiful, hysterically funny, and younger than my two eldest children. To be invited to ‘hang out’ with her and her family and friends (really getting into the groove here Mummy F) was an enormous privilege!

My eldest daughter, A-L, came with me (SO important to take a wing man when you’re older - stops young people being terrified to talk to you in case they get stuck with you, and you bore them to death) so I was all set. We walked the course - fab to do that without the dread of knowing that you’re very soon going to be facing those jumps on some (in my case) headstrong lunatic who might just be having a really bad day. We then had a lovely lunch, a few glasses of chilled Sauvignon - and hit the retail! Bliss - the whole day.

Who would ever think that having one 'theartofmeditation.org' fantastic experience could possibly lead to another equally wonderful one. Once again I’m going to - like Tom Hanks did in that film I can’t remember the name of - say yes to everything. Nothing can be gained in this life by sitting on the sofa being sensible. You've just got to get out there - grab it by the short and curlies - and see what it brings!

 

"Jane, I have the perfect boyfriend…apart from one thing…"

Q.

Dear Mummy F,

I’ve been happily living with my wonderful boyfriend for the last two years. All is pretty perfect, but there is one issue that’s really upsetting me and I feel if I don’t sort it out soon it will gather a head of steam and could result it a row. I would hate that as I feel it would be tragic as we would have so much to lose.

Basically he owns the flat we both live in, and he charges me rent. I know it may seem silly, but I don’t think that it’s right for me to pay rent at the same ‘going rate’ as any other flatmate. They would have their own bedroom for example, and even though I naturally don’t want that I don’t think it's fair that I should be paying as much for a room I’m sharing!

My boyfriend has an amazing job and earns a large salary and I know could easily afford to do without my financial input entirely, which makes it even more hurtful. I also earn well, but not as much, and it’s really not just about the money, but more about the principle.

I know my parents are a bit upset by this but I just told them how it is up here, but I think that deep down them thinking that has made me aware that it isn’t right, and I can feel myself getting resentful which could be damaging.

I’d be really grateful if you would let me have your thoughts on this. Very best wishes X

A.

Well, call me a bit old fashioned but I agree with your parents.

For you to be paying the same amount as any old flatmate seems a bit wrong. I know that in these enlightened times of total equality, girls are justifiably proud of their ability to contribute - but to be expected to contribute as much as the man on the street so to speak, when obviously you’re sharing the same bed...well yes - call me old fashioned!

I think that relationships have to be looked after. Girls - despite their amazing abilities in the workplace - still want to feel protected and cared for; and like it or not, a chap providing for his girlfriend is a jolly good way of making her feel that. Try explaining this to your boyfriend. Suggest that you provide in this relationship by taking on the bills for example - they probably come to a sizeable amount each month anyway. That way you can elect to spend the extra on things for the flat - flowers etc, and dinners out when you want to, without feeling the pressure of hard cash.

Boys aren’t necessarily mean - they often just don’t think. They have been conditioned to women’s determination to prove themselves, and now you’ve proven that you can - just tweak it slightly.

Much love angel. Gosh I’ve just re read this - I’m beginning to sound like Barbara Cartland! Terrifying - shoot me if I start wearing pink! X

 

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

 

Mother of the bride

WELL! There I was brushing my teeth...

 ...when suddenly I heard Binky scream – OMG…OMG…OMG! Rushing into the room, I find her staring into her phone at a message I couldn’t believe... not because she’s hugely ugly or anything - but A-L - my eldest daughter is engaged!

Well now - in the words of the young ‘Totes Amazeballs!’ She had only gone and pulled off an absolute blinder, without any of us really noticing!

Her ‘intended’ James Maltin is good looking, has all his own teeth - and hair... and is completely ‘baggage free’ (well he is for now!) He dropped to one knee by the Eiffel Tower at midnight after cycling all stages of the gruelling 2100 mile Tour de France one day ahead for the charity Cure Leukaemia - and popped the question!

Now I’m not going to go on about this any more than I have to - because I can imagine by now you’re feeling pretty sick of him - but I am obviously delighted.

 “It's jolly hard to type with a glass of champagne stuck firmly in your hand”

As it had to be kept a secret until they'd told their friends - I just whatsapped a few dozen of mine, sharing the joyous news. Its jolly hard to type with a glass of champagne stuck firmly in your hand. I would have called people but that gives them the opportunity of banging on - and I really couldn’t be doing with being bored at such a special time... plus I had lists to write!

Well now the next obvious step is to decide what I’m going to wear! I’m thinking head to toe Vivienne Westwood. I've decided against the black thigh-length leather boots, as that’s really rather tacky as the mother of the bride. Binks is going to be maid of honour - hahaha - and my Ted is going to be the ring bearer- obvi after a good bath and de flea.

So among all this happiness is one little thing that I would like to share as it’s pretty special: My much adored mother left several bottles of special champagne hidden in her house, and she’d told me that they were to be used to celebrate my kids’ engagements. Naturally I found them, and drank them all - but for ONE!! This I hid in the back of the cupboard - as even I knew that one day it just might happen.

So enough now Mrs F - stop rabbiting on! I promise I won’t become a wedding bore, but this week I just wanted to ‘share’ with you - my dear friends and supporters.

 

"Jane, I'm concerned about my daughter and she's so far away..."

 

 Q:

“Dear Jane,

A year ago my daughter married and moved away. I miss her, but more than that I’m worried about her. I know her very well, and I can tell from her voice she’s not happy. I’ve tried talking to her on the phone and finding out why she seems sad, but she just denies that she is.

It’s not like I can just go to see her, she’s in Edinburgh and I’m in Wales, but I don’t know what to do or how to help. At night my mind races away with me and I worry about all different sorts of thing that could possibly be wrong.

I know it’s her life of course, but I’m just so worried. She’s now expecting a baby and if she’s unhappy I don’t know how she’ll cope.”

 

A:

Gosh us mothers hey?! How hard it is even when they’ve grown up and flown the nest! We of course are programmed to pick up on each little nuance... any little inflection in a voice and our minds race; we want to steam in, find out, and make it better.

When I married my husband we moved to Hampshire, away from my family in London. I almost broke my neck to get the house I wanted and I imagined that when I had it, all would be wonderful.

It wasn’t.

I missed my mother, family and friends desperately. Like you, Mum knew, and eventually I was able to come clean and tell her the truth - but it took a long time; and by the time I felt able to discuss my earlier unhappy state I was settled, sorted and happily in control of my new life.

So, my advice to you is just wait and try not worry. She has to make adjustments - and after the glory wedding days it takes a while for things to calm. New house, missing friends - and now racing hormones. Even if she and her new husband adore each other, still there will be natural upsets.

She will be feeling your anxiety, and might possibly love to share with you things that aren’t quite perfect, but I think that when these things are discussed, the genie is out of the bottle so to speak - and something quite minor can become greatly exaggerated in our minds making those little problems far harder to deal with.

I think she’s actually being quite adult and trying to stand on her own two feet; she knows that you’ll be there if you need her, so for now give her some space and enjoy your life until you’re called upon for granny duties!

I do hope this helps.

J xx

 

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email  askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter
@mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

I'll hold your hand

I got a very exciting looking letter yesterday…

…a big brown handwritten envelope with kisses on it! Turned out it was from Sarah Locke - a good friend, and mother of Ollie.

Excitedly I ripped it open and out fell this card - along with a brochure about the Fodmap diet. For those that don’t know it, it’s all about certain foods that contain (among other things) Fructose. Sarah had read what I’d written last week about ‘finding yet more ways of delaying dieting’ and had decided to help.

Now, this woman is about my age and, although tiny in stature, has the same sort of body shape. She listened when I moaned on to her (as I do everybody) and although she hadn’t said anything at the time she thought she might help.

"I’m going to be a changed person – nun-like even"

What’s touching isn’t just that she'd bothered to go to the trouble of sending this - but had wanted to couch the contents in such a way that I wouldn’t be offended. The card said ‘don’t be put off when you read this, it isn’t that tricky - phone me when you get it and I’ll hold your hand.’ She wanted to assure me that she wasn’t being rude - nor thinks that I was getting a bit ‘lardy’ – but that she thought it might be of use.

Now I’m not the sort to get offended by something like this, but it made me think: how lovely would it be if we could all go about making sure that the things we do, the words we utter, were well received. I’m not sure about you, but I’m pretty used to being treated indifferently and it makes me angry. Only last week in Cornwall - in a restaurant you’d go to celebrate a lottery win – a silly, very young waitress slammed my hugely expensive and extremely average meal down in front of me with a ‘there you go love!’ Suffice to say, I left her in no doubt exactly how unimpressed I was!

Anyway I don’t know why I’m banging on about this - but I think it was just one tiny, gentle act of kindness and consideration that made me aware how little we give or receive it. From now on I’m going to be a changed person – nun-like even - but that little waitress had still better watch her step. Rome wasn’t built in a day - and I’ll be watching…

 

"Jane, my step-sister is taking diet pills!"

Q:

Hi Mrs Felstead,

 I live with my dad and my step-mum. She has a daughter by her first marriage who lives with us too. We get on but I’m not exactly the ‘favourite!’ Everything I do is ok, and everything she does is amazing. We’ve had some big rows but nobody ever seems to see my side, so I have learned to keep my head down and work (we’re both 16 and at school) as nobody would ever take my side even if it’s really obvious she’s in the wrong.

My dad has asked me to 'just let things go’ and that one day I will be leaving for uni and it will all be fine then. For the sake of peace I know he wants me to shut up, and it seems we don’t have a good relationship any more which makes me sad.

The reason I’m writing to you is that I know my step-sister is taking diet pills as her friend told me, and if I say anything I will get into trouble with her for letting on. I’m not silly and I know I should tell, but she will go ballistic with me and the rows will be awful and I will be blamed for causing trouble. I can’t seem to win on this one, what do you think I should do please?

 L x

A:

Well what I think you should do it sit down with this girl and have a jolly good talk. Tell/warn her in advance that you are aware and watching and that you will talk to your parents if she doesn’t stop. You’re right to worry, and it says a lot about you being a decent intelligent person that you are concerned for her safely.

I’m assuming you don’t know where she got these pills from, but in whichever case unless they came from a doctor - which I’m doubting they have - there’s a reason for concern. There are many different sorts of diet pills. Some you can buy over the counter (so obviously much less dangerous) If you are certain that the pills she’s taking are these then then it’s less worrying - but still it’s good that an adult knows and can even secretly monitor. The newspapers are full of stories every day of - mainly girls - using drugs bought online and being harmed physically, and this risk cannot be ignored.

After talking to your step-sister I would really advise talking to a close, trusted and reliable adult - aunt, family friend or neighbour – and explaining the whole story as you have to me. Do not elaborate on how you also happen to feel the odd one out - just be factual. Leave it a short time and if she doesn’t stop, talk to your step-mother who I know will want to know - and be very grateful to you for behaving so responsibly.

J xx

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - askjanefelstead@dailymail.co.uk - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page