Sex expert Tracey Cox on what to do if you're scared about having sex with someone new

Home Top

PICTURED: First victim of the Oregon shooting named as trainee nurse, 19, as it's revealed gunman, 26, 'had Asperger's and went to a special-needs school' and may have written a manifesto
'He wasn't going to stand and watch something horrific happen': The hero Army veteran who is recovering in hospital after being shot seven times as he 'charged at Oregon college shooter'
'He told Christians they would meet God - then shot them': Girl survivor reveals how she played dead
Oregon college gunman was kicked out of the Army in 2008 as it emerges police have found seven weapons at his home - as well as assault rifle and five pistols at school
The hero cop who took down Oregon gunman: One of two officers praised for stopping campus rampage identified as 49-year-old small-town detective
'Gun control is NOT the answer to preventing school shootings': Oregon sheriff at the center of the Roseburg college killings publicly warned he would not enforce tighter Obama gun laws
Huckabee lashes out at Obama over 'ignorantly inflammatory' plea for stricter gun laws that 2016 Democrats are now echoing in response to Oregon shooting
'Shocked, I'm shocked: Father of Oregon gunman speaks outside his California home after bloody rampage that left at least nine dead
'People like him have nothing to live for': College gunman praised Vester Flanagan, shared a Sandy Hook documentary three days before shooting spree and glorified the IRA online
Scare after Virginia Commonwealth University warns of possible gunman on campus...then cancels alert just 15 minutes later
PIERS MORGAN: There are lots of people to blame for the Oregon massacre but only one that thinks it's actually good for business - take a bow the deviants at the NRA
$Train Hero Discusses UCC Shooting\nBy ellentube team · 4 hours ago\nEllen talked to an international hero on a somber and surprising day.$ Train hero Alek Skarlatos is a student at mass shooting college and ran out of DWTS rehearsals in panic to check his friends were OK
'Our thoughts and prayers are not enough': Obama calls for tougher gun laws in his FIFTEENTH speech as a President mourning a mass shooting
Pictured: Oil heir Brandon Davis treated in ambulance after escaping horrific single car crash with his life... before he was arrested for DUI in hospital
Are you a pessimist? Blame your DNA! Video reveals how genes affect whether or not you're a glass-half-empty personality
Could Mad Men make you a better friend? High quality dramas improve our emotional intelligence, study claims
Jury finds female professor GUILTY of raping mute, cerebral palsy-stricken, diaper-wearing man after she claimed the two were 'in love'
Passenger plane carrying 10 people including three children is missing over Indonesia
Six U.S. servicemen dead in military transport plane crash in Afghanistan that the Taliban is taking credit for
Jim Carrey 'meets with sister of late girlfriend Cathriona White' at the house where her body was found in a suspected suicide as three mysterious visitors arrive and drive off with her luxury SUV
Pope held private meeting with gay couple - a day BEFORE he met anti-gay Kentucky official Kim Davis
Vatican says Pope's encounter with Kim Davis was not 'a form of support of her position' on same sex marriage
Russia finally blitzes ISIS: At least 12 jihadis killed after Kremlin strikes targets near Raqqa - as fanatics hit back with 'Death to Putin' tweet and image of Moscow in flames
White House urges Russia to focus airstrikes on ISIS amid fears it is carrying out 'indiscriminate' attacks on Syrian rebel forces

Our sexpert explains how to beat those first-time jitters with a new partner
Women's main concerns are being body confident and able to perform
She has devised 12-step countdown to help put minds at ease

Published: 02:28 EST, 30 September 2015 | Updated: 02:51 EST, 30 September 2015

108

View
comments

With 42 per cent of marriages in the UK ending in divorce and over half the population now single, many people are being rudely shoved out of cosy coupledom to land, flat on their backs, smack bang in the middle of the singles scene.

Thought you’d never have to stare at a strange ceiling ever again? Terrified at the thought of baring your bod to a complete stranger when the only person to see your wobbly bits other than your partner in the last decade has been the cat?

You’re not alone. Read on to learn how to beat those this-feels-like-the-first-time-all-over-again jitters.

Scroll down for video

Woman are worried about being body confident while men are concerned they won't be able to perform (file photo)

My body's not good enough

This is the chief female concern.

One newly divorced friend of mine echoed the fears of many women when she said: 'I simply can't imagine stripping naked in front of a total stranger - I'd be far too embarrassed. My body was okay last time I was dating but now I'm older and I've had a child.'

I don't think too many people would feel comfortable stripping naked in front of a total stranger.

But the person you want to take your clothes off for won't be put off.

Forget any preconceived notions you have about having to climb into bed on date three.

For first-time sex with a new partner Tracey Cox recommends keeping it simple and not worrying about being too adventurous (file photo)

Have sex when you feel ready – when you know, trust and feel comfortable enough to sleep with them.

Unless you're planning on dating an 18-year-old supermodel, your new lover's body isn't going to be perfect either.

While you're frantically sucking in your stomach or worrying about how big your bum is, he's nervous about the light hitting that not-so-well-concealed bald spot or wondering if the arms you're grabbing on to aren't as muscular as your ex's.

What if I can't perform?

This is his main fear.

Who'd be a man? Far from having penis envy, most women are relieved not to have one!

Tracey Cox has devised a 12-step countdown to combat first-time sex nerves

Not only do men have to worry about making sure they're up to the task (pun intended), they have to make sure they're not so enthusiastic it's all over in three seconds.

It's worse if he's a lot older than the last time he was single and out there.

Penises age along with the rest of us and erection problems are common past the age of 40 and particularly post 50.

The best way to deal with both scenarios - not getting an erection or losing it too quickly - is to be relaxed enough to joke about either scenario.

A warning for any guys planning to pop a blue pill before a first-time encounter with someone they want to see long-term.

Viagra produces very hard erections: non drug-induced erections are less impressive and wobblier.

If the first time you have sex, your penis is rock hard, she's going to get paranoid when presented with a more 'natural' erection second time around.

Unless you're intending to pop a pill each time from then on, at some point you're probably going to have to explain what you were up to.

Far better to hope for the best and if you do have difficulties, explain that it's just because you're nervous and want everything to be perfect.

What if I don't know what to do? Aren't people doing stuff in bed I don't know about?

Both sexes worry about this one - unnecessarily.

The way we meet people to have sex with might have completely changed but once you're having it, it's pretty much the same scenario.

After all, there are only so many physical sex acts you can perform.

True, people are more adventurous than they were 30 years ago but most people stick to the basics first time around.

Requests for 'kinky stuff', if it's going to happen, tend to happen a few months in so you're safe for now.

If they do suggest something you're not comfortable with, simply say 'I don't think I'm ready for that now. Can we stick to basics until we know each other better?'.

Feel you're emotionally ready for the physical part? Here's how to make sure it all goes smoothly...

Tracey recommends making sure you have everything you need in advance including condoms, fresh sheets and breakfast (file photo)

THE 12-STEP COUNTDOWN FOR PERFECT FIRST-TIME SEX

1. Have solo sex regularly

If you're not already doing this, start having some solo sex sessions to get your body used to the feeling of orgasm.

2. Take baby steps

Think back to when you were a teenager and take your cue from there.

Start with long snogging sessions. Next time (or when you feel ready) throw in a bit of breast play. That turns into fondling then oral sex.

When you both really like each other and are both nervous, this is the sexual equivalent of getting into the freezing swimming pool slowly rather than diving in at the deep end.

The thought of having full sex after a few foreplay sessions together will feel a lot less scary.

3. Have everything you need on hand

Condoms and lubricant by the bed, fresh sheets and breakfast essentials.

While you don't want to look like you've been planning this for ages or make it obvious you're up for it, you also don't want to be under-prepared if it does seem like the perfect time.

4. Get your attitude right

Sex isn't an exam. You're not going to be graded pass or fail (and if it feels like you are, you're with the wrong person).

So stop stressing and thinking 'This has got to be perfect'.

Perfect sex happens to people in movies; normal people muddle through the first time.

Perfect sex happens to people in movies; normal people muddle through the first time, says Tracey (file photo)

5. Don't be scared to dim the lights

Lighting is crucial - especially if you're body conscious.

Don't be scared to say what you need. If you want it really dark for the first time, say so.

You can start turning up the dimmer switch when your confidence increases.

6. Don't panic too much about your underwear.

If the time's unexpectedly right, it's better to go with the flow than squirm your way out of it because you've got once-white-now-grey baggy, unflattering knickers on (actually, if they're that awful, encourage him to take them off while they're hidden by your top or skirt).

Help him remove your clothes if he's having trouble (and feeling like an idiot). Besides, it shows you want sex as much as he does.

7. Don't rush to the finish line

Kiss lots, take it slow and take your time exploring each other's bodies.

8. Guide each other but not too much

You're both under enough pressure first time round: wait until the third or so run before you start directing.

9. Keep it simple

Working your way through an entire repertoire - ice-cubes, whips, positions an acrobat would baulk at - will only make you look like a try-hard.

Tracey says the key is to keep calm and not panic is your first time together is a complete disaster (file photo)

By all means give it your best shot with technique but don't get too hung up on being 'the best they've ever had'.

10. Don't panic if he orgasms too quickly or you don't at all

It's normal: he's excited and women are often too shy to say what they need to make it happen the first time they're in bed with someone.

11. Even if it's a complete disaster, it's not make or break

If you really like each other, you won't split up over one bad sex session (though you will find out if the chemistry is there to warrant a second try).

If it all went wrong but you still really like them, look them straight in the eye and say, 'Well, that didn't quite go to plan did it! We'll do better next time,' and have a giggle.

12. Resist the urge to say 'How did I do?'

Remind yourself the really good sex sessions invariably happen at least four to six sessions in and try not to panic about it or the relationship (that's what next day phone calls to friends are for).

For more practical information about sex, visit traceycox.com