Tracey Cox reveals when it's time to try couples counselling

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Sexpert Tracey Cox believes most couples could benefit from counselling
One in five Brits has consulted a therapist and 88% agree it's a good idea
Average couple has six to twelve hour-long sessions – with homework

Published: 02:52 EST, 7 October 2015 | Updated: 05:49 EST, 7 October 2015

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We're not quite as therapy friendly as the US but all that could change as high profile couples like the Beckhams reportedly consider couples counselling 16 years into their marriage.

Hollywood has always been a fan with almost all celebrity couples rumoured to have been to counselling at some point (the most recent recruits: Kim and Kanye for help with parenting and estranged Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck for marathon therapy post split).

But counselling isn't just for the rich and famous.

Sexpert Tracey Cox believes almost all couples would benefit from a few sessions of counselling

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) research reveals one in five Brits have consulted a therapist and 88 per cent agree talking to a counsellor about their problems would make them happier.

I'd go all out and suggest that nearly all couples would benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist at some stage - but many don't seek help because they're scared of what might happen.

With that in mind, here are the answers to the most commonly asked questions about couples therapy (and no you don't both lie on a couch).

When should we go?

Anytime you feel you'd like an objective, attentive person to listen to your problems and help provide an informed perspective.

All of the following are common reasons couples decide to go: You're arguing more than usual or about the same things over and over.

You're feeling bored or frustrated, irritable and moody without a good reason for it.

She suggests the sooner you seek help, the more chance you've got of success and the less damage the problem will cause long-term

You feel your partner doesn't understand you or isn't listening. It might be you have poor communication styles or very different communication styles. Both can be solved.

You're tempted by an affair or one of you is having one.

There's been a significant life event. A milestone birthday, losing a job, having a baby or coping with children, kids moving out, death of a parent, retirement - they all affect our relationships.

You're finding excuses not to be together and spending less time with each other.

You're not having regular sex.

While it's uncomfortable in places, a little pain usually leads to a huge gain

Will counselling save my relationship?

The sooner you get help, the more chance you've got and the less damage the problem will cause long-term.

A big factor in how successful counselling's going to be is how much you both really want it to work – and how hard you're prepared to work at your relationship.

It's difficult to break old habits and stop sliding back into them and counselling takes up an awful lot of time.

It's not just a matter of rolling up there once a week, because there's no point learning skills unless you practise them at home.

The average couple is in for anywhere between six and twelve hour-long sessions – with homework.

Often people will say things in front of a therapist that they wouldn't dream of saying at home because it would end up in an almighty row

When doesn't it work?

It's not as successful when you're already in the middle of a huge crisis - which is, of course, when most people go.

What often happens is, by the time you've sorted out the mess (usually an affair), you're too exhausted to work on changing, so you settle back into your old ways and the problem starts all over again.

If one of you has already fallen out of love or already decided to leave, again, the prognosis isn't good, though it can soften the blow and your next relationship(s) will benefit from it.

The thing to remember is this: the therapist isn't going to magically solve all your problems for you.

They're doctors not magicians: you've got to want to change and work hard at it for counselling to work.

Tracey says significant life events, like milestone birthdays or losing a job, can impact on relationships

What happens in a typical session?

Usually, you'll spend the first session telling the therapist what your problems are and just by watching you, they can get an idea of your personalities and how you relate to each other.

After that, they start problem solving and teaching you communication skills: how to talk to each other, how to listen and how to make sure the words that come out of your mouth are actually what you're trying to say.

Often, simply being able to speak up is half the battle.

People will say things in front of a therapist that they wouldn't dream of saying at home because it would end up in an almighty row.

They'll also delve into your backgrounds and significant life experiences to find out what other influences there are on the relationship.

Don't be surprised if the problem you went for doesn't turn out to be the real issue!

Will the therapist take sides?

Ideally, the counsellor will be completely neutral and make sure the sessions are balanced so each of you feels you've been listened to and understood.

But we're humans not robots so sometimes it can happen that one of you gets on better with the counsellor, or like and respond better to their therapy style.

This is why it's crucial to get a counsellor that both of you respect.

It helps but isn't necessary for you to like the therapist but you must both believe they have both your best interests at heart and know what they're doing for the therapy to be successful.

If you don't trust the therapist, you won't open up to let them help you.

Ask lots of questions in the first session and if the fit doesn't feel right, try someone else.

How will it make me feel?

Sometimes you'll feel like it's making things worse, rather than better!

If there are serious issues in the relationship, the therapist may help you confront painful experiences in your past which can make you feel vulnerable and upset - but stick with it.

While it's uncomfortable in places, a little pain usually leads to a huge gain.

The counsellor isn't going to take over your life or make you do things you don't want to.

Tracey suggests finding a therapist you trust and remembering that they have your best interests at heart and won't take sides

Will they tell you if it's best to split up?

No reputable therapist will tell you to go home and pack your bags, but they will say something like this: 'We've spent a lot of time on your relationship, I've given you homework exercises and nothing appears to be changing. Is it time now to look at going your own ways? Maybe that's what we should be working on.'

Couples have one of two reactions when given this speech.

They'll either say, 'What a terrible thing to say to us! We'll make this work just to show you' – and they do!

Or one person will say, 'I'm so glad you brought that up.'

There certainly may come a point where you're working on splitting up harmoniously rather than working to put it all back together.

Relationships counselling isn't just about helping couples to stay together – it also helps them break up successfully.

How do you talk your partner into going?

Tracey believes counselling will eventually become as popular in the UK as it is in the US

Very tactfully! It's all in the way you approach it.

Saying, 'You need to get your head read because we're in an absolute mess,' won't get you very far.

Saying, 'Darling, I love you but I think we need to learn a few relationship skills,' could well do the trick.

If your partner's a bit nervous – and it's usually the guy who's not so keen – tell him you'll go along on your own to check it out first, so you can reassure him what it's like.

If your partner refuses point blank to even consider counselling, it's a pretty good sign the relationship wouldn't have worked anyway: people have to be open to changing in order to fix things.

How much will it cost?

This depends on where you go for therapy.

If you're referred through the NHS or your GP, it's often free.

Private therapists will usually charge (anywhere between £10 to £110 an hour, depending on where you live and who you choose).

Relate.org.uk offer a live chat service which allows you to talk to a trained counsellor free online. There's also email counselling, telephone counselling or face-to-face.

You'll normally be expected to pay a fee to cover the cost but each Relate centre sets their own charges and often uses a sliding scale, so you're charged what you can afford).

How do I find a good counsellor?

Try itsgoodtotalk.org.uk to find a private counsellor registered with BACP (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy) or contact relate.org.uk.

For more good relationship advice, visit traceycox.com