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'I'm the Swiss Army knife of business skills...' The new series of The Apprentice hits the ground running – or cringing, by Jim Shelley

Published: 16:38 EST, 14 October 2015 | Updated: 10:12 EST, 15 October 2015

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The Apprentice is back and, incredibly, some of the analogies used by the candidates to describe their abilities were even more preposterous or pathologically deluded than ever.

'I'm like a Swiss army knife of business skills,' boasted one 'entrepreneur', not saying which bit of him was the corkscrew or how he deployed it.

'I'm The Godfather of business,' blustered another, explaining lamely: 'I'm here to make Lord Sugar an offer he cannot refuse.'

Good luck with that.

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Here we go again...: This year's candidates on The Apprentice are even more preposterous or pathologically deluded than ever

A rather plain 23 year-old student then said she wanted to be 'a global phenomenon' (don't we all) before a well-spoken toff topped them all by stating he wanted to be 'like Alexander the Great' and 'conquer the world by the age of 30' - hopefully without the genocide.

His name was Dan Callaghan, a 'fragrance retailer'.

'I've made every mistake in the book! I almost lost my parents' pension!' he enthused as if 'learning from your mistakes' with this type of calamity was better than, say, not making any in the first place.

For its tenth year and eleventh series, The Apprentice had clearly delivered yet another array of candidates to entertain and amaze us with their appalling egotism and extraordinary ineptitude and setting the image of British business back another five years.

Learning from his mistakes: Dan Callaghan had a special kind of self-assurance, confessing he's 'made every mistake in the book'

It was amusing - or chilling - to think that one of the 18 idiots was going to end the series with Lord Sugar investing a cool £ 250, 000 in to their business plan.

Besides the human Swiss Army knife and Alexander the Great II, the other candidates included Elle a 21 year-old executive who described herself as 'disgustingly ambitious' as if it was something to be proud of and a strange woman who looked like Grayson Perry and whose red face matched her clothes who beamed 'I'm suited! I'm booted! Come on!' as if shouting that would pretty much cover it.

Of the men, Joseph Valente referred to himself (on his CV!) as 'the master of persuasion with the women' even though he looked like a modern Jimmy Hill and another cocky wide boy Mergim Butaja insisted 'I'm not interested in being a millionaire. I want to be a billionaire', adding 'I want to be richer than Lord Sugar' – which was just plain greedy.

Suits you: One contestant - Ruth Whiteley - boasted she was 'suited and booted'

Bold claims: Joseph Valente reckoned he is 'the master of persuasion with the women'

You began to feel sorry for the show's figurehead – or you might have if the narrator hadn't mentioned Lord Sugar really had become worth more than a billion pounds.

'Get your hands out of your pockets !' Sugar snarled when he walked into the boardroom, at the chap who wanted to be Alexander the Great, as if he wanted to show his new colleague/ attack dog Claude Littner that he still had it in him.

In case this hadn't made it clear, Lord Sugar reiterated that he was there to make money not friends.

'If I wanted to be loved, I'd go to Tinder,' he chuckled – joking but leaving us with an alarming notion nonetheless.

His first challenge involved buying stock from Billingsgate fish market and selling lunch snacks in the City.

The classic ingredients: The first task was suitably ridiculous - like the team names - and required the candidates to buy stock from Billingsgate fish market and selling lunch in the City

Most of the show's classic ingredients soon followed: the terrible team names, the reluctant Project Manager, the hopeless planning and selling, plus the added bonus of the mighty Claude Littner in his new role thundering: 'I've never witnessed anything quite like it. It was a shambles. It was a disgrace.' Fantastic! (Unless you were them.)

Disappointingly though, and for no obvious reason, first Sugar broke with tradition and deprived us of the enjoyable round pitting the men against the women, swapping Selina, Natalie, and Charleine with Brett, Joseph, and Dan/Alexander the Great.

The discussion/argument about the team names was however as hilarious as ever. Charleine, a hair & beauty salon owner who spent 11 years in the Navy and had an alarming Heidi haircut, suggested 'Team Illustrious' arguing: 'it's also a ship and tomorrow we're going to the fishmongers. So it's meant to be…'

'It was a shambles!' Newcomer Claude Littner told it like it is

The others over-ruled her (understandably) in favour of 'Team Versatile.' 'It means you can be versatile,' spotted Lord Sugar. Nothing gets past him…

'Can I throw my thought into the thought pond?' asked Dan, the kind of line David Brent or Alan Partridge would be proud of, before bizarrely suggesting 'Team Sugababes' – not something you could ever imagine Alexander The Great doing.

Almost as bad was the name they settled for instead: Team Connexus.

'It's Latin for United and if you say it fast enough it sounds like Connects Us,' said Brett, proudly but not making it any better.

As for the Project Manager, predictably no one on Team Versatile wanted to pick up the famously poisoned chalice.

'I do have some knowledge of food, I cook, and I'm intolerant to loads of food,' offered Selina naively, giving the others the chance to use it as enough reason to unanimously vote for her to be the fall-girl.

'Selina has displayed no leadership whatsoever !' growled Claude Littner, watching on as Charleine in particular dictated how they should approach the task – dividing into Team Calamari and Team Fish Fingers.

As for Team Connexus, strangely April WANTED to lead the task, taking the unilateral decision to sell fishcakes and tuna Nicoise salads for £9.

Cutlery credentials: Richard Woods happily boasted that he's 'like a Swiss army knife of business skills'

Selena meanwhile was knocking out fish finger sandwiches like hot cakes (although not fish cakes).

Minor setbacks included Mergim trying to selling the fish fingers to a Vegan restaurant ('I'm offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity') and £150 worth of raw, rank, calamari being left in the sun and (thankfully) thrown away.

Back in the boardroom, the results required less maths than usual.

Team Versatile had sold £467.50p worth of sales, making a profit of £200, 29p. Team Connexus had sales of only £343.53p. When their costs were revealed to be £341.66p, it meant that they their day's work had turned a profit of precisely £1.87p.

'That is bad,' muttered Lord Sugar with surprising understatement. 'A disgusting result,' he then added, with rather less.

Something fishy going on here: Team Connexus only made sales of £343.53... menaing she turned a profit of £1.87

She's good, honest! Project Manager April insisted she wasn't a blame for the epic failure of the challenge

Project Manager April predictably blamed Brett who blamed Varna. As often happens, they then quickly worked out instead of blaming each other, their best chance was if they all blamed Dan.

'Do you take responsibility or wot?' Lord Sugar demanded of April.

'I've made some mistakes but I've also shown I am a strong candidate,' she insisted, pointing out she had been 'decisive', over-looking the fact most of her decisions had been wrong.

'I honestly don't believe I'm to blame for the failure of this task,' she said calmly.

The truth was, as Project Manager, she had chosen the dishes they had sold, negotiated the purchase of the ingredients (or rather didn't negotiate), set the (prohibitively high) sales price, and chose not to set off with the first batch of food, waiting for everything to be ready and arriving late as a result.

Stating the obvious: Karren Brady was literally fuming that the team had 'missed the lunch time trade'

She complained that Brett (a former navy engineer and, it transpired, one-time sous chef in a fish restaurant) had spent too long and been too meticulous making the fish cakes.

'I wanted to make the product to the full specification!' he barked, as if he was still in the Navy. 'The fish cake depth did have to be a depth of 2.5 centimetres. That's why I've been able to produce a fine quality fish cake.'

'You missed the lunch time trade!' carped Karren Brady blithely.

Astutely, April switched targets to Dan claiming he had created a delay bringing in the ingredients.

'That was entirely my responsibility,' Desperate Dan admitted honestly – never a good idea on this show.

He's to blame: Dan was in charge of costing in the challenge... and he failed to sell anything

He giveth, and he taketh away: Lord Sugar was pretty annoyed at Team Connexus' terrible performance in the task

While Joseph 'Jimmy Hill' Valente had sold £108 worth of snacks, Dan's sales all day had been… zero.

His technique remained running up to people and eccentrically shouting: 'hello sir. Are you interested in a SALAD?!'

Fatally, Dan admitted to Lord Sugar he had no experience of selling. Gulp. This was on a par with tell him he didn't like beards, Bentleys, or men who looked like Nookie Bear.

Asked what he had contributed, Dan pointed out he had helped in the kitchen.

'I sliced the olive, I sliced the tomatoes…'

It was no surprise when the first 'you're fired!' of the series came Dan's way. Becoming the new Alexander the Great might have to wait.