Like a posh version of Alien...The Earl’s ulcer bursts over dinner – and Lady Mary. Downton Abbey finally erupts into life 

By Jim Shelley for MailOnline

Published: 16:12 EST, 18 October 2015 | Updated: 18:57 EST, 18 October 2015

There was drama in Downton Abbey as the Crawley family’s interminable dinnertime discussions about the local hospital finally – literally - erupted.

In scenes not unlike a posh version of Alien, the Earl of Grantham stood up feeling unwell and sprayed blood into his consommé and across the table, spattering Lady Mary. Twice.

Admittedly the gory explosion emanated from his mouth and not his chest as it did in John Hurt’s iconic demise but the effect was no less startling.

He's not well: The Earl of Grantham saw his ulcer burst and he sprayed blood across the table

‘His ulcer has burst !’ diagnosed Doctor Clarkson, who happened to be in attendance scrounging a free meal, as is his wont.

No doubt Downton’s creator/writer Julian Fellowes was hoping to provoke a reaction from the audience along the lines of ‘oh no !’ or ‘let’s hope the Earl doesn’t perish!’

But to be honest the more likely response from viewers who had endured five episodes of the Dowager, Isobel Crawley, and Dr. Clarkson (the Swiss Toni of the village) debating this issue was to hope he pegged it.

Nothing personal against the Earl, even though he remains a pompous bore. It’s just the hospital really wasn’t that riveting.

And with only four more episodes of the show to go, polishing off the lord of the manor himself would have been an admirably bold move by Fellowes.

Messy meal: The Earl made quite the mess at the dinner table and managed to splatter blood all over Lady Mary in the process 

Messy meal: The Earl made quite the mess at the dinner table and managed to splatter blood all over Lady Mary in the process 

Of course it didn’t happen.

After a nail-biting wait that lasted all of five minutes, the family, the servants, and the viewers learnt Robert (or ‘Rabbit’ as his wife Cora pronounces it) was going to be fine.

It would have been some exit – bored to death by Julian Fellowes and his ‘Mama’ (the Dowager) rambling on about the blessed hospital.

‘Can’t we stop this beastly row?!’ the Earl complained, speaking for us all, just before the bloody eruption occurred.

His death would have happened in front of the Minister of Health too, Neville Chamberlain, who appeared to have come for dinner in fancy dress - as Groucho Marx.

‘I’ve read he may be Prime Minister one day,’ mentioned Mrs Patmore, becoming suddenly psychic.

The Earl had even delivered the perfect deathbed farewell.

Hospital drama: A lot of the episode was centred around the argument over the hospital 

Hospital drama: A lot of the episode was centred around the argument over the hospital 

‘If this is it, just know that I have loved you !’ he trembled to Cora, like a big drama queen.

Carson’s take on the unfortunate incident was characteristically chirpy: ‘Life is short, death is sure. That is all we know.’

Look on the bright side why don’t you?

Luckily an ambulance arrived and four men in white overalls looking like butchers or workers at a 1920 nuclear power facility arrived and carted the Earl off to the very hospital they had been arguing about.

The trailer for next week’s episode showed the Earl sitting up in bed hearing that Cora was opening the Abbey to the public – the type of news more likely to kill elitist aristo off than aid his recovery.

Lady Mary had staged a coup d’etat too, grasping the chance to seize full control of the estate the minute her father was across the border.

Serious talk: Lady Mary told Tom that she would take on some more of the estate's duties 

Serious talk: Lady Mary told Tom that she would take on some more of the estate's duties 

‘We’ll have to make sure the load is lightened when he comes home,’ she told Tom ‘Bring Out The’ Branson, which you would have thought difficult considering he does bugger all except stuff his face and utter disapproving put-downs of his daughters.

‘Long live our own Queen Mary !’ cheered Tom, whose Republican views never did sit very comfortably with the Earl’s.

Having become Downton’s new ruler, Mary’s concern passed remarkably quickly, moving on to eavesdropping on her mother’s conversation with the Dowager about Lady Edith’s charge, Marigold.

Mary swiftly sensed the child was not merely something that her sister had ‘acquired’ from ‘the pig man’ Mr Drewe after all.

‘Anna, is there any talk in the servants’ hall about Miss Marigold?’ Mary asked her maid, with all the delicate diplomacy of Boris Johnson in a tiara, planting the idea that there clearly should be.

Just when Edith had found happiness too. She had found a female editor for her little magazine, The Toff, and found love in the shape of Bertie Pelham.

Lady Mary was at it too – falling in love that is – directing her seductive feminine wiles at handsome motor racing driver Henry Talbot.

For a while Downton became a posh version of Top Gear as Talbot and his chum tore around a track in Catterick.

‘Looks like she handles well !’ suggested Tom to Talbot, talking about his car rather than Lady Mary.

Talbot then took Lady Mary to the pub (how common) where Branson played Cupid, forcing them to admit their ‘feelings’, which in Mary’s case mostly meant Lust.

‘He’s attractive and nice and it’s good to remember I’m a young-ish woman again,’ Mary told Tom, fishing her compliments as ever, before adding less romantically: ‘But that’s all he is.’

She continued: ‘I don’t want to sound snobbish…’ which never sounds good and always sounds snobbish in itself.

‘But I don’t want to marry down.’

Who does?!

‘I don’t want to be grander than my husband. Or richer.’

Such were the dilemmas of her life.

‘A day of racing cars and pigs ! What could be better than that?!’ enthused Tom, exposing the limits of his sophistication.

Mary’s only other task had involved checking that old Mr Mason was really up to the job of being her new pig man and looking after her magnificent porkers.

‘Yes, they’re strong and can be dangerous !’ harrumphed the Earl, talking about Mary’s pigs (well hopefully).

Luckily the hapless Andy stepped forward, volunteering to ‘help with prising the boar off the sow and ‘make himself available for the servicing’ – which sounded alarming, especially for Andy.

Andy’s prospects suffered a further setback when it emerged had not been educated well enough to read the enormous pile of books Mr Mason had lent him about ‘pig breeding and pig care’ and was going to have his stalker/sex-pest Thomas Barrow help him learn.

In other developments, Spratt successfully appealed to the Dowager’s better nature and persuaded her not to dismiss disgraced lady’s maid Denker.

Finally, Miss Baxter was also reprieved and spared the ordeal of testifying in court against a dastardly former criminal accomplice when he changed his plea to guilty.

The fact that all of this took place off camera was bewildering, rendering the whole storyline a waste of time.

‘Now it feels a bit anti-climactic,’ Baxter herself admitted.

Thankfully Fellowes was feeling more generous later on and the same could not be said of the Earl’s exploding ulcer.

 

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