Sex columnist Rowan Pelling advises a reader about affairs

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Sex columnist Rowan Pelling advises a reader on a pronlem
A reader has found evidence of their husband having a past affair
Rowan praises the reader on their level-headedness

Published: 18:58 EST, 18 October 2015 | Updated: 02:02 EST, 19 October 2015

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QUESTION: My 67-year-old husband has been ill, so I’ve been helping with his paperwork. Sifting through his files, I found love letters from the Nineties from a one-time colleague. I long suspected an affair, but now it’s confirmed, I feel ambivalent. One part of me wants to confront him; the other says stirring up old woes will only hurt us both. What do you think?

The reader found evidence of an affair while helping their husband with some paperwork

ANSWER: I would say that you are a highly evolved human being to have summoned the fortitude to not make any knee-jerk reactions. Many who read your letter will be amazed that you didn’t confront your husband immediately.

I especially admire your ability to step back from events and see this betrayal in the context of a long, happy marriage. Your use of the word ‘ambivalent’ is interesting. You are clearly hurt, but you have the detachment to view the wound as historical.

I have seen people in similar situations succumb to the idea that an uncovered affair rewrites all their history and that, if there was one lie, nothing else in their relationship could have been true. Sometimes, that feeling is justified. However, the fact that your husband’s fling happened when he was in his 40s suggests a typical midlife crisis.

I suspect you knew your union was strong enough to survive the interloper - and that, if you intervened, you might have to issue ugly ultimatums.

Many people who haven’t been married as long as you have may feel puzzled by what I’m saying, but long marriages have their own internal legislature. If you can stomach the knowledge of your husband’s affair, then it is not for anyone else to say that’s wrong.

As for confronting him, that is up to you. Perhaps the fact your husband has had to live so long with the knowledge that he betrayed you will have proved sufficient punishment.