Is a high sex drive RUINING your relationship? Tracey Cox explains what to do when you have a raging libido - but your partner doesn't

  • Marlon Brando once said his sex drive was so high he was like a 'beast'
  • Sexpert Tracey Cox explains the challenges of living with a high libido
  • Says urges can be managed by going for a run or to the gym

Marlon Brando, posthumously, has become the latest celebrity to admit to a high sex drive that’s uncontrollable.

In a film made from private audio tapes – released 11 years after his death – Brando says his sex drive was so high he was like a ‘beast’ with women.

His voracious sexual appetite saw him father 16 children from three marriages while having countless affairs.

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Tracey says that having mismatched libidos can drive a wedge between couples

Tracey says that having mismatched libidos can drive a wedge between couples

As one of Hollywood’s most handsome and bankable actors in a time when ‘macho’ male movie stars pretty much did what they wanted, Brando’s behaviour was indulged.

Except by himself. Brando wasn’t proud of his endless indiscretions.

Being highly sexed might sound like loads of fun and society’s perception of high-libido people is still someone who is attractive, gregarious, confident and charismatic.

(Low libido people, in contrast, still have the same, dowdy, glamorous-less image: the wife in rollers, turning to face the wall, or a middle-age man in an anorak, plane-spotting in a field.)

But is it? Is a high sex drive a blessing, something to boast about, or a curse?

Here’s what a cross-section of high-libido men and women had to say.

It can be worse if you're a woman, as some men feel embarrassed about not being able to 'keep up' 

It can be worse if you're a woman, as some men feel embarrassed about not being able to 'keep up' 

You don’t feel in control

If your sex drive is ‘normal’, you feel a strong desire to have sex but are able to rationalise the desire and redirect it when it’s aimed at someone you really shouldn’t be having sex with.

People who have very high sex drives say they often feel powerless to do this.

‘I have had a massively high sex drive the whole of my life and it’s got me in endless trouble,’ one man in his late 50s told me.

‘One morning I woke up and realised my libido had finally quietened down, I guess because I’m now older. I was enormously relieved – I feel released. I don’t miss it at all.’

The nicest, wisest, most moral people find themselves making immoral, unwise decisions that hurt people they love when they’re in the grips of intense desire.

Of course it’s (usually) possible to control the urge for sex, no matter how strong.

Tracey urges people not to feel rejected if their partner has a lower sex drive than them

Tracey urges people not to feel rejected if their partner has a lower sex drive than them

But it’s obviously a lot more difficult for someone who finds putting a coin in a slot machine a massive turn on, compared to someone who could happily chat for hours to Michael Fassbender or Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (depending on what sex you are and/or who takes your fancy) without one lurid thought passing through their brain. 

One 32-year-old woman said she stayed single because she knew how hard it was to fight her natural instinct.

‘The urge for sex – particularly sex with someone new – is so intense, it’s impossible to ignore. It’s not a case of ‘Should I act on it or not?’, it feels like I have no choice’.

‘Really no choice?' I asked her, ‘Or it’s such a nice feeling, you don’t really want to fight it?’

‘I’m not a sex addict, so yes, I could control it if I really wanted to. But I don’t want to. Sex is very, very important to me and at this stage in my life, I’m not prepared to stifle my libido. I can settle down later when it’s settled down.

‘I don’t see it as a problem so long as I don’t commit. In the past, I’d promise myself that I’d stay faithful to whoever was unlucky enough to be dating me, and I’d always fail. This way no-one gets hurt.’

You lose people you love

Whether you label it a sex addiction or an uncontrollable sexual appetite, Tiger Wood’s eye-popping affairs – 121 during his five-year marriage – cost him the wife he professed to love.

He’s reputedly still trying to woo her back and openly admits he deeply regrets what he did.

Tiger won’t be the first – or the last – to lose a relationship over a raging libido.

‘The thing is – and I’ve heard this from other people who are cursed with a high appetite for sex – when you have a high sex drive, you don’t just want lots of sex, you usually want sex with lots of different people,’ said one 41-year-old woman, about to be divorced from a husband she did not want to lose.

Tracey suggests you’ve got more chance of being faithful with someone who wants sex as much as you do

Tracey suggests you’ve got more chance of being faithful with someone who wants sex as much as you do

‘I was faithful at the start and then had a baby. But when it came time to go back to work and I found myself back in a world full of attractive men, I went straight back to my old ways.

‘I felt like an teetotaller locked up in a pub overnight. Having a high sex drive clouds your judgement and stops you making sensible decisions.’

Being knocked back isn’t fun

So they’re the people who are ‘managing’ their sex drives by cheating - what about people who are determined not to seek sex outside their marriage but want it far more than their partner?

Living with mismatched libidos isn’t pleasant for any couple: one person feels constantly hassled, the other feels like some sort of sex monster.

 Living with mismatched libidos isn’t pleasant: one person feels constantly hassled, the other feels like some sort of sex monster

‘It’s not the best feeling in the world, seeing a mixture of dread, resentment and resignation on your wife’s face when you reach for her, hoping she’ll give you sex,’ said one 33-year-old man.

‘I’ve had some promising relationships where the women have kept up at the start, but inevitably, one or two years on, their sex drives wane while mine never does.

‘When that moment hits, it’s devastating. I love my wife and I am determined to stay faithful but it’s a horrible situation.

‘I know she hates knowing she’s not satisfying me and when she has sex when she doesn’t really want to, that makes me feel bad too.’ 

It’s worse if you’re a woman

Of the two sexes, perhaps it’s highly sexed women who suffer more.

Possibly because men feel embarrassed not being able to ‘keep up’ with their wives or girlfriends, their response to being the under-sexed person is to lash out.

‘My partner told me I was a slut for wanting sex too much.’

‘My husband bought me a vibrator and told me to stop hassling him.’

‘He told me I was too fat to fancy and that’s why he didn’t want sex as much as I do.’

These are just some of the hurtful responses high-libido women get.

‘Being rejected is somehow worse when you’re female because of the myth that men will basically have sex with any woman, no matter what she looks like,’ writes a 27-year-old woman in an email to me.

‘When my partner isn’t interested after I’ve really gone all out with beautiful lingerie and doing sexy things, it’s a huge blow to my self-esteem. Part of me worries I must be really, really unattractive for him to reject me.

‘I feel ugly - It hurts that he doesn’t want me.’

So there you have it.

There's usually lots of sympathy for people with low desire; intriguing to see that it’s not all fun and games on the other end either.

How to live with a high sex drive

Find your sexual match. You’ve got far more chance of being faithful with someone who wants sex just as much as you do and is adventurous.

Distraction helps. Think of it like giving up smoking. When the urge strikes, do something else physical. Go for a run or to the gym.

Learn to satisfy yourself. Solo sex is a healthy way to balance out mismatched libidos.

Don’t make commitments if you honestly don’t want to control the urge. It is possible to control a high sex drive but you have to want to do it. If you know you secretly enjoy being a slave to desire, stick to casual relationships until you feel differently.

Have safe sex. If you’re having lots of sex with lots of people, protect them and yourself by using condoms and following other precautions for safe sex.

Don’t lie to get sex. Having sex for sex's sake is fine so long as your partner knows that’s all that’s on offer. Pretending you want a relationship purely to get someone in bed is cruel.

Get help if you feel dangerously out of control. If you honestly think you might be a sex addict or suffering from hypersexuality, see your GP or visit slaauk.org.

For more good relationship advice, visit traceycox.com 

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