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Ollie’s ‘manly’ heart-to-heart with JP, Sam’s tantrum, and Spencer’s gymnastics… The boys failed to man up yet again on Made In Chelsea, by JIM SHELLEY

Published: 20:03 EST, 26 October 2015 | Updated: 12:29 EST, 27 October 2015

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Like the idle rich whose lives it depicts, Made In Chelsea has no shame.

Monday’s episode was essentially identical to last week’s, and so even more inane – an insult compounded by the fact that more happened in the trailer for the next show than the one we had just sat through.

It was so brazen it was almost admirable.

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Déjà vu Sam? Monday’s episode was essentially identical to last week’s, so even more inane – an insult compounded by the fact that more happened in the trailer for the next week than the show we just watched

Episode Two of Series Ten revolved around the insipid pairings Jamie & Jess, Binky & JP, and Sam & Tiff – three relationships going through death throes so protracted and predictable they were repeated almost verbatim.

With each you longed for just one of the males involved to break free, speak out, or MAN UP.

First, as with last week (and endless others), Jamie issued an ultimatum to Jess.

‘What I need right now is some sort of climax’, he stressed (optimistically), adding: ‘I can’t continue like this.’

If only…

‘What I need right now is some sort of climax’: Jamie tried to finally push Jess to commit, but things went off in 'Trolls' face - as usual

Round in circles: As for Binky and JP, the gormless lump (JP) told Ollie Locke that he could not ‘risk’ committing to such a wild and crazy chick (Binky not Binky’s mum)

As usual, feeling pressurized, Jess couldn’t decide whether they should be friends or Friends With Benefits – despite the minor detail that she said (as usual) ‘the sexual chemistry obviously isn’t there for me.’

Given that she kept ending up in bed with him, you wondered what she would do if she DID feel it (the sexual chemistry that is).

As for Binky and JP, the gormless lump (JP) told Ollie Locke that he could not ‘risk’ committing to such a wild and crazy chick (Binky not Binky’s mum).

‘It’s something I do want, but deep down I just don’t feel it’s the right time,’ JP said, which doesn’t get any more interesting after 20 episodes.

Not the right answer? As usual, Jess couldn’t decide whether they should be friends or Friends With Benefits – despite the minor detail that she said (as usual) ‘the sexual chemistry obviously isn’t there for me’

Thirdly, the episode ended - again - with Sam Thompson throwing a massive (hilarious) tantrum over Lucy Watson’s sister supposedly ‘cheating’ on him.

‘I feel f**king sick. I need to roll !’ the young Nigel Farage lookalike raged/blubbed, flouncing out – exactly as he had last week when LW mark 2 told him she had kissed a bloke in Hong Kong, which in a show where the participants are forever ‘hooking up’ with someone (if not each other) hardly qualified as a betrayal, however minor.

The trailer then instantly suggested that all the whining protestations of Sam’s innocence we had just endured had been false and HE was the cheat.

It dangled the appetising teaser of Ollie Locke going out with an attractive blonde (woman), with Spencer poised to move in on her with the voracious ruthlessness and speed of a shark - or in his case a blubbery walrus.

Finally, the snippet proposed the magnificent prospect of a return - after five series away - for Richard Dinan, a chap whose Lovely Hair can match even Binky’s – like Ken Barlow with extra Silvikrin.

A familiar ending? Thirdly, the episode ended - again - with Sam Thompson throwing a massive (hilarious) tantrum over Lucy Watson’s sister supposedly ‘cheating’ on him

All of these snippets were infinitely more interesting and entertaining than anything and everything we had just seen. But here are the top 5 things we learnt from this week’s episode.

1. The newbies in MiC mark 10 promise little

On the plus side it looks as if Series 10 will include new blood – namely Harney, Tallulah, Millie (not that one), and Ibiza Emily. The bad news was that they were all as feeble as the last batch (JP, James, Toff etc).

Tallulah’s appearance was so fleeting as to be pointless while Ibiza Emily had the worst (multi-coloured) hairdo since Gabriella’s. She also inspired Jamie, Mytton, and co. to shout ‘Ibiza ! Let’s do this !’ by inviting them out to her luxury pad. Emily then performed the obligatory role of offering Jamie the chance to talk about Jess, by sensitively mentioning: ‘I heard you poked her…’ - and they say romance is dead.

Harney wasn’t much more subtle, offering his services to Stephanie as a ‘handyman’, like one of those Confessions Of...films in the '70s.

‘I literally do need a handyman !’ Stephanie panted, sensing another man who would (handily) buy her a Prada handbag.

As for Millie, she confided to best friend Jess: ‘You and Jamie obviously have a weird lust’ – which was one way of referring to the way Jess kept sleeping with Jamie even though she didn’t fancy him.

Later though, Millie was altogether less sympathetic, complaining to Jamie: ‘We can’t be dealing with your relationship problems. It’s getting to the point where everyone is like: "For God’s sake ! It’s boring!"’

Well she said it.

A new face: On the plus side it looks as if Series 10 will include new blood – namely Harney (pictured), Tallulah, Millie and Ibiza Emily.

No woman is an island: Ibiza Emily had the worst (multi-coloured) hairdo since Gabriella’s. She also inspired Jamie, Mytton, and co. to shout ‘Ibiza ! Let’s do this !’ by inviting them out to her luxury pad

The handyman: Harney wasn’t much more subtle, offering his services to Stephanie as a ‘handyman’, like one of those Confessions Of...films in the '70s

2. The Thompsons v. The Watsons family feud is MiC’s version of the Mafia or the Mitchells

‘I like Sam, I actually get on with Sam,’ insisted Lucy Watson, adding ‘But…’ - which basically translated as: ‘I just don’t want him going out with my sister (whatever her name is). I will speak to Sam. And we will be fine,’ she reassured Jamie. ‘As long as he’s not being a hypocrite…’

This confirmed the feud between ‘The Watsons’ (Lucy Watson and her sister) and ‘The Thompsons’ (Sam and little Louise) was now firmly underway.

The way that the Thompsons reacted to Lucy Watson’s view that Sam’s own behaviour had been responsible for her sister kissing someone in Hong Kong was clearly a case of them Protesting Too Much.

‘I think Lucy’s trying to turn it back on me, deflect from what the family’s done !’ Sam moaned, as if they were in Boardwalk Empire or he was one of the Mitchell bruvvers.

When he insisted ‘I have been SUCH a good little boy !’ you immediately knew he hadn’t. ‘I’ve done nothing wrong ! So I’d quite enjoy it if Luch came out and said it to me herself.’

As for Louise, she backed her brother up, arguing: ‘I knurgh that my broth-urgh used to dew stupid stuff. But hee-hee-hee wouldn’t be able to lie to meee-heee about doing it this time.’

At least that’s what it sounded like.

A drama all on its own: The Thompsons v. The Watsons family feud is MiC’s version of the Mafia or the Mitchells

At war... again? The feud between ‘The Watsons’ (Lucy Watson and her sister) and ‘The Thompsons’ (Sam and little Louise) was now firmly underway

‘I think Lucy’s trying to turn it back on me, deflect from what the family’s done !’ Sam was aggrieved by Lucy's actions - maoning like the cast were in Boardwalk Empire or he was one of the Mitchell bruvvers

3. Lucy Watson’s sister is not only just an adjunct of Lucy Watson but Sam

The weight of airtime was so biased towards Sam and Lucy Watson that practically the only person who didn’t really have a strong view on her sister’s relationship with him was the girl herself.

‘Did he break up with you?’ Stephanie wanted to know, so eagerly she was almost salivating.

‘I don’t know,’ Lucy Watson’s sister/Sam’s ex-girlfriend said, dimly. ‘He was like ‘right now we’re definitely not together. I want a break. I don’t want to talk to you…’

Note to Lucy Watson’s sister: this meant he had broken up with you.

‘Right now I don’t want to be with you,’ Sam told her later, using exactly the same words as last week.

It's a Tiff life: The weight of airtime was so biased towards Sam and Lucy Watson that practically the only person who didn’t really have a strong view on her sister’s relationship with him was the girl herself

4. Ollie Locke IS ‘manly’ – at least more than JP

Binky, Rosie, Ollie, and Spencer were discussing the big issues of the day such as Binky’s question: ‘Which of the four of us has changed the most?’ Binky. Her own answer showed she was still the dumbest amongst them.

‘I think you !’ she told Ollie, citing the grounds: ‘your hair’s shorter for a start…’

While she was dying the grey hairs of Ollie’s locks ginger, he mooted the theory that over the years he had become more ‘manly’.

‘I really do !’ he insisted. ‘I think I used to be a little bit more effeminate…’

‘What does that mean?’ asked Binky, although how she had been his best friend so long without knowing this was anyone’s guess.

Almost as intelligently, Ollie told her: ‘I still think JP’s perfect for you.’

Never mind that JP had caused Binky nothing but misery (apart from the nights they had sex together which were ‘glorious’ apparently). Ollie duly rang JP, saying: ‘I thought that we should go for a drink – man on man’ - a Freudian slip if ever there was one. ‘Man TO man,’ he corrected himself. ‘As friends.’

‘Is this as a friend on the attack?’ trembled JP, the only man so wimpy that he could be worried about a confrontation with Ollie.

‘I’m not that kind of guy ! And I’ve seen your shoulders – they’re enormous !’ Ollie assured him, sounding envious and possibly aroused.

A man's man: Ollie Locke IS ‘manly’ – at least more so than JP

5. Spencer is on the way back

Spencer had a strange episode – increasingly behaving like an ape who has been in a cage too much, going stir-crazy.

First he was seen hanging out with Sam of all people – a humiliating state of affairs for a hairy Lothario who used to spend the show committing such acts of immorality as corrupting Alex Mytton at orgies. Spenny consoled Sam that the cad that Lucy Watson’s sister that had snogged probably had ‘a stupid name like Percy or Bertie.’ But not ‘Spencer’ obviously…

We then saw Spencer in a gym (but not an actual leotard) poignantly, proudly, performing cautious cartwheels – like the ‘unfortunate’/podgy girl in the class who can’t really do cartwheels but has learnt how to do a good approximation of what they look like.

Thankfully the trailer for next week’s episode showed the big, bearded, beast back doing what he does best – his face flushed with drink, trying to seduce one of his friends’ girlfriends.

Surprisingly this was Ollie Locke – the friend that is.

‘How’s Lauren?!’ Ollie asked Spencer, pointedly, trying (in vain) to divert Spencer as he oozed his peculiar charm over poor Ollie’s glamorous new catch.

‘He’s a pig but he’s not going to try and f**k her immediately is he?’ Ollie panicked to Binky.

You’d have thought that, as such a veteran of the show, Ollie would know this was a rhetorical question if ever there was one.