Tagged Humour

You Know The Rules: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things feature, this week guest starring Michael the Dinosaur.

Michael would like the present The Toddler:

1. On dinosaurs, ridiculously named
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
2. On drawings of faces, showing appropriate concern for them
The Toddler has been practising drawing. And empathising. She likes to draw (with help, of course) faces with different expressions. And then empathise with them, apparently. Silly Mummy says, ‘Shall we draw a sad face?’ Silly Mummy helps The Toddler to draw a sad face. The Toddler studies it with a concerned expression: ‘Oh no, that poor boy!’

3. On birthdays, not sharing
The Toddler has been informed that it is Granny’s birthday. This makes her a little irate. She has just realised that it is, in fact, her birthday too (it is not). She is rather indignant at the cheek of Granny, who apparently expects to share The Toddler’s not birthday: ‘No, it’s my birthday! Granny go away!* That’s a bad thing to do!’ There you have it: the brass neck of some people, swanning around, having birthdays like it’s a perfectly acceptable way to behave!

(*It should be noted that Granny is not even present. The Toddler has simply been told in passing that, somewhere out there, Granny is having her birthday. The Toddler is not one to overreact.)

 
4. On salmon, he’s in the car
The Toddler is eating salmon. Silly Mummy says, ‘Salmon’s nice, isn’t it?’
The Toddler quite agrees: ‘Yes, salmon’s in the car, isn’t he?’ Um…The Toddler may have confused the fish salmon with the name Simon. As you do.

5. On herself, needing discipline
The Toddler may be naughty, but at least she is self aware. She announces: ‘Yes, I do need Nanny McPhee.’

6. On raisins, imaginary chocolate
The Toddler has finally taken imaginary play to its logical conclusion – believing her food is covered in chocolate when it is not. Silly Mummy has given The Toddler a tub with some normal raisins in it. For some reason (it’s called optimism), The Toddler is convinced the raisins are chocolate raisins. She peers into the tub: ‘It’s got choccy raisins in it. I like choccy raisins.’ Silly Mummy expects an upset when The Toddler realises there are no chocolate raisins. Instead, The Toddler points at the raisins. She has apparently managed to locate the non-existent chocolate raisins: ‘There’s choccy raisins!’ She happily eats them.

7. On songs, not learning new ones
Grandma is making the mistake of trying to teach The Toddler a new song. The Toddler does not believe in new songs. Songs are only songs if The Toddler knows them. It’s a mystery how The Toddler learnt any songs at all. She is not learning this one. She is shouting over Grandma’s stubborn singing: ‘I can’t sing that one! I don’t know that one! No, Grandma, that’s not fair!’

8. On nannying
The Toddler is holding her broomstick up over her head and carrying her doctor’s kit. She marches through the living room, declaring, ‘I’m going to see the childrens.’ Yes, she’s impersonating Mary Poppins, with a broomstick as an umbrella and a doctor’s kit in place of the carpet bag. Now, who would like to leave their ‘childrens’ in the competent and responsible hands of Toddler Poppins?

9. On knowing the rules
The Toddler is trying to hit the cat with a broomstick, and has been told off. She understands the situation and the need for swift disciplinary measures. Yes indeed: Silly Mummy is being very badly behaved and must be stopped. The Toddler acts promptly, informing Silly Mummy: ‘You know the rules!* Go on naughty step! That’s naughty from you!’

(*Apparently, there is a rule that Silly Mummy is not to tell The Toddler to stop trying to hit the cat with a broomstick. Silly Daddy must have approved that rule.)

 
10. On pandas, wearing them
The Toddler has a couple of items of clothing with pandas on them, which she loves (and is keen to ensure no one tries to steal). However, it appears that she may have become confused as to what pandas actually are. It seems she may believe they themselves are some kind of clothing. Silly Mummy is looking at pictures of the new baby pandas born in China. The Toddler wanders over and peers at the pictures: ‘Oh pandas! Can I put them on?’ No wonder pandas are endangered. Their food has little nutrition, they don’t mate, toddlers are wearing them…

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock
Week 21: Woof

Trick or Treat (or Dog)

The Toddler went trick or treating* this Halloween with her friend, Bat Girl (not her real name). She had a great time. Until people started setting off fireworks, anyway. The Toddler is apparently fine with witches, zombies and skeletons, but she holds no truck with the sky going bang.

The Toddler was on top form interacting with the public. She managed the odd ‘trick or treat’, nailed ‘Happy Halloween’, and was mostly on top of ‘thank you’. She also managed to get a few other sparkling conversation pieces in there.

1. That’s a dog
The Toddler was off to a roaring start at the first house. A dog could be heard (it should be noted that The Toddler did not at any time see a dog). The door opened. The Toddler did not say ‘trick or treat’. She did not even go with the customary and acceptable greeting that is ‘hello’. She announced, ‘That’s a dog!’ Having stated her case, she waited expectantly for someone to give her a treat.

2. You’re a beauty
A few houses later, and a very complimentary The Toddler informed the bemused lady handing out sweets: ‘You’re a beauty!’

3. Can I go in this one?
The Toddler appreciates an impressive effort. One house had set up a full gothic dining table with skeleton guests in their front window, and moving ghosts in their entrance way. The Toddler pressed her nose to the window: ‘Can I go in this one?’ Whilst she waited excitedly for the door to open, The Toddler repeated her request to go in, explaining: ‘This is a perfect one!’ Subsequently, the confused residents attempted to give her sweets, while she made valiant attempts to move into their house.

4. I’ve got cake
One house gave the children cupcakes. This was a popular move. At the next house, the nice lady offered The Toddler and her friend sweets. She may have been expecting a ‘trick or treat’, a ‘Happy Halloween’, maybe a ‘thank you’. No. She got The Toddler and Bat Girl waving cupcakes at her, while The Toddler shouted, ‘I’ve got cake!’

5. I don’t like it
The Toddler’s Halloween fun took a turn when people in the neighbourhood started setting off fireworks. The Toddler liked fireworks two days previously, when she demanded to stand at the front door watching the ones being set off across the road. The Toddler no longer likes fireworks. She made this fact known. She informed Silly Mummy: ‘I don’t like it. Can I go home? I didn’t like fireworks.’ Then she apprised Bat Girl of the situation: ‘I don’t like it. Yuck. I don’t like it, Bat Girl.’ Thereafter, The Toddler started announcing it to whoever answered the doors she knocked on. Confused residents opened their doors to find a toddler witch informing them that she didn’t like it, with no further elaboration as to what exactly she didn’t like. Upon Silly Mummy explaining that The Toddler was talking about the fireworks, one kind boy of about 10 or 11 agreed that they were annoying and asked her if she would like him to make them stop.

6. Awkward
Finally, special mention should go to The Toddler and Bat Girl’s services to awkward situations. At the start of their trick or treat careers, The Toddler and Bat Girl liked to knock on a door, give their greetings (‘that’s a dog’), take their treat, say thank you…and then remain in the doorway, just staring. Until things became awkward, and they were dragged away, still staring.

 

(*Obviously. Because trick or treating was not going to be done due to concerns that (a) it harasses people, and (b) the treats are probably mostly not suitable for a toddler anyway. But The Toddler wanted to do what other children were doing, and her friend was going, so she went and…it was fun. Now that people seem to follow the practice of decorating their houses and putting up trick or treat signs if they want to participate, it seems much easier to avoid concerns about annoying or intimidating people. It feels more like a community activity just for people who want to take part these days. As for the treats? Well, The Toddler enjoyed the experience and her costume. The Silly Parents know people who will enjoy the unsuitable sweets (unconfirmed reports suggest these ‘people’ may be the Silly Parents).)

It’s Too Scary!

As it’s Halloween, I have decided to share a few of the things The Toddler has declared to be ‘too scary’ since she learnt the phrase ‘too scary’.

1. Trolls
Particularly the troll in Enchanted. Or the ‘dunk dunk’, as The Toddler used to – and sometimes still does – call him (took some time to work out that came from the noise she thinks it makes). The troll is often declared to be scary. The Toddler likes to chatter about the troll: ‘She saw a troll, didn’t she? I don’t like troll. Bit scary.’ Fair enough. Trolls are not usually nice characters. That said, the troll in Enchanted is a fairly benevolent troll, despite attempts to eat people. The Evil Queen, in my opinion, is much scarier. She does evil magic, appears in clouds of smoke and sinister music*, turns into a dragon, tries to kill people. How does The Toddler feel about the Evil Queen? She loves her. Every time she appears, The Toddler excitedly shouts: ‘The Evil Queen! The Evil Queen is coming! Look, Mummy, it’s the Evil Queen! I like Evil Queen!’

*Though The Toddler seems to have some funny ideas about what constitutes sinister music – see number 4.

 
2. Giant spiders
There are halloween decorations in the shopping mall, hanging from the ceilings. The Toddler loves them. Mostly. She loves the creepy cobweb chandelier. She has to dance under it (to the accompaniment of funny looks from confused passers-by). She loves the ghosts and the giant pumpkin. Following her under chandelier spinning, she announces: ‘Giant pumpkin! Are we going to see giant pumpkin?’ Then come the giant spiders. The Toddler does not like the giant spiders. However, she tends to forget this fact: ‘Look, Mummy, it’s spiders! I’m going to see spiders…No, I don’t like it! Too scary!’

3. Balloons Popping
Just to be clear, this is not balloons actually popping, oh no. No. There is a balloon tied to the railing of the room divider. The Toddler has decided it is like those balls on rope for children to swing on at soft play centres, and that is what she is trying to do. With a balloon. On a string. Tied to a railing. I point out that the balloon is likely to pop, and she won’t like that. I am informed that warnings about the balloon popping are ‘too scary’.

4. A random song from a musical
Silly Daddy has found a songs from musicals and movies radio station. This has, unsurprisingly, been popular. Until one particular song. Now, I don’t know what this song is from. I am not much of a musicals fan, really. The important point is that it isn’t remotely scary. Nothing sinister. It isn’t from Sweeney Todd*. Or even Blood Brothers**. No, this is a totally innocuous, saccharine song from a musical. One that sounds like any innocuous, saccharine musical song. The Toddler whimpers: ‘Too scary! Turn it off! Too scary!’

*’Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd/He served a dark and a vengeful god’
Now, this is an understandably creepy musical song.

**’Now you know the devil’s got your number/You know he’s gonna find you/You know he’s right behind you/He’s staring through your windows/He’s creeping down the hall’
I mean, no one needs to find out through the medium of a musical that the devil is on some kind of register and probably has his relationships monitored by the authorities, right? You can’t trust anyone these days, even the root of all evil. I may have gone off topic.

 
5. Baby Jake
Not the awful animated version, with the picture of the real baby’s head (and *shiver* animated mouth), that is clearly the stuff of nightmares. No. She’s fine with that abomination. She doesn’t like the real Baby Jake at the end. He’s ‘scary’. Perhaps over the course of the programme she becomes convinced that babies are supposed to have a cartoon body, a photograph of a real baby for a head, and what I am fairly sure is the Cheshire Cat’s mouth.

Woof: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and this week there is also a word (literally) from William Wallace, sorry, The Baby.

First, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On ears, not safe
Silly Mummy touches The Toddler’s ear, apparently a more dangerous activity than it appears, as The Toddler yells, ‘Don’t touch it! It’s not safe!’ She does not expand upon exactly why her ear is not safe.

2. On the Tooth Fairy
The Baby is very insistently offering The Toddler a leaflet that came through the door and is now The Baby’s most prized possession. The Toddler is ignoring her eager little sister, so Silly Mummy explains that The Baby would like The Toddler to take her leaflet because she is trying to be nice. The Toddler catches on and takes the leaflet: ‘You give that to me? Thank you, The Baby.’ As is usually the way with small children, of course, The Baby only wanted to loan her prized possession to The Toddler. She is now looking hopefully at The Toddler. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like to give the leaflet back to The Baby now. The Toddler would not: ‘Not going to have it back. It’s my Tooth Fairy.’ Of course it is. Bloody Peppa Pig and her Tooth Fairy letters.

3. On Mary Poppins, summarising
The Toddler has just got to the end of Mary Poppins (again). As Mary flies off with her umbrella, The Toddler summarises the situation: ‘Mary Poppins she’s got to go and see more children. She’s got to go and fly a kite with her bag.’ Yes, that seems to about cover the end of Mary Poppins, if not correct kite flying techniques.

4. On Labyrinth, also summarising
Other films The Toddler has a perfect grasp of include Labyrinth (which Silly Daddy is inexplicably convinced any two year old would want to see): ‘Where’s the baby? We can’t find it!’ David Bowie appears, The Toddler exclaims: ‘What’s that?’

5. On distrac…fluff
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are engaged in a serious conversation, not that Silly Mummy can remember what it is about, as The Toddler seems to have led the discussion firmly down the path labelled distraction: ‘And then…Oh a bit of fluff there. Just a bit of fluff. It’s there. I get rid of it. It’s gone now.’ (As is everyone’s train of thought.)

6. On porridge, apologising for
The Toddler has been asking Silly Mummy for porridge. Silly Mummy is about to make The Toddler some food, and seeks to confirm whether porridge is still desired: ‘Do you still want to have porridge?’
The Toddler appears to feel Silly Mummy’s question implies porridge making is a particularly onerous task: ‘Yes, I do. Sorry about that. I’ll get it myself then.’

7. On her name
The Toddler is misbehaving. Silly Mummy informs her she is a little monster. The Toddler knows Silly Mummy gets confused, and patiently corrects her: ‘I’m not a monster, I’m The Toddler!’

8. On saying ‘woof’
The Toddler is saying ‘woof’. For no particular reason. This is a little odd. She’s also giving a running commentary about the fact that she is saying ‘woof’. This is more than a little odd. ‘Woof. I say woof to The Baby. I’ll say woof to you. Woof. Do you like woof, The Baby?’

9. On kettles, boring
Silly Mummy is asking The Baby to fetch her various items (to see what words The Baby understands, not because The Baby is Silly Mummy’s slave). Silly Mummy asks The Baby if she can find the kettle from the toy tea set. The Toddler has an objection and interjects: ‘You can’t have the kettle – it’s very boring.’

10. On sharing
The Toddler has been rooting around in the games cupboard she is not supposed to go in. Playing cards are now all over the floor. Silly Mummy is picking them up. The Toddler is protesting Silly Mummy’s seizure of ‘her’ property. Silly Mummy points out: ‘Those are Mummy’s cards.’
The Toddler is feeling generous: ‘I’ll share them with you.’

 
 
A word (just the one) from The Baby
The Baby has broken into the restricted (for toddlers and baby toddlers) dining area. She is very pleased with herself. She dodges Silly Mummy and manages to grab a pen before she is apprehended. As Silly Mummy approaches her, The Baby waves her pen in the air, Braveheart style, and issues her war cry: ‘Booooooop!’ You can take The Baby’s pen, but you’ll never take her bop! (In all fairness, ‘bop’ is a more rational war cry than the one William Wallace uses in that film. I’d go so far as to suggest that the course of Scottish history could have been very different had the Scots waved their pens and yelled ‘bop’ at the army of Edward I.)

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner

Doctor Toddler Is Back and This Time She’s…a Hairdresser, Actually

Doctor Toddler is back, ominously brandishing her stethoscope at an unsuspecting Silly Mummy: ‘Do a deep breath, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy takes a deep breath. The Toddler puts the stethoscope on Silly Mummy’s stomach, and announces: ‘Hmm, I think it’s a bit loose.’ A bit loose? Is it going to fall off??

The Toddler is not a very verbose doctor. She does not expand further on her diagnosis. She has moved on to treatment options: ‘Have a plaster.’ A plaster? Is that going to be enough? Can a stomach be held on with a plaster? The Toddler is rooting around in her supply of imaginary plasters: ‘No, that one’s children’s plaster.’ This is not reassuring. Silly Mummy’s loose stomach is going to be reattached with an imaginary plaster, and it isn’t even the right type of imaginary plaster. Silly Mummy does not want imaginary Peppa Pig holding her stomach on. The Toddler has got her imaginary plaster supply under control: ‘Have this one plaster.’

However, she is now doubting her original diagnosis. She suggests carrying out further tests, though they sound a lot like the original tests: ‘Hmm, think it’s deep breath, I think.’ She brandishes her stethoscope.

In further dodgy diagnosis news, Silly Daddy’s knee is declared to have a cold.

It seems Doctor Toddler offers some unusual services at her practice. Armed with the surgical scissors and tweezers (and briefly, confusingly, the reflex hammer) from her doctor’s kit, Doctor Toddler leads a double life as a hairdresser.

The Toddler’s hairdressing technique appears mostly quite sound. A little aggressive, perhaps. The Toddler does not believe in waiting for people to request a haircut before attacking them with her scissors: ‘I’m just cutting your hair.’ And she does do things in a slightly odd order. Halfway through the haircut she announces: ‘I’m just putting your apron on.’ Still, she’s efficient. After just a few seconds of relentless hair pulling, she announces: ‘Finished! Do you want to turn around now?’

Somewhat unconventionally, it is apparently customary for clients/patients at The Toddler’s hair salon/doctor’s surgery to be required to cut The Toddler’s hair following their own hair cut/medical examination. A confused Silly Mummy obliges, asking The Toddler: ‘What hairstyle would you like?’
The Toddler has given much thought to exactly what hairstyle she would like to sport, and is able to confidently and helpfully answer: ‘That one.’ Well, it is a classic. A ‘that one’ never goes out of style, does it?

It seems to Silly Mummy that Doctor Toddler is actually very clever. Clearly concerned about the controversial Toddler Doctor Contract* and the future of her medical career, she has decided she needs a back up vocation. Sensibly, she has found one that she does not need new equipment for (though she may be forced to let the reflex hammer go).

(*The Toddler feels that if ever a person was both the ‘big bad wolf’ and a ‘naughty crocodile’, it is Jeremy Hunt.)

Child Safety Kits Are Out to Get Us

So, you have children, they start moving around, you childproof the house, everyone goes about their business in safely padded bliss, right? Right? Wrong.

Child safety fittings are out to get us. Child safety fittings are frankly dangerous. I have evidence.

 
1. Drawer latches

You know, the ones that let the drawer open just enough for the children to trap their little fingers in them. Repeatedly. Because they don’t learn.* You see, they believe the next time will be the time they get the drawer open and don’t just trap their fingers. They have faith. They have determination. They don’t have common sense. Or any survival instinct.

Still, at least they can’t get anything out of the drawer, right? Right. As long as everything in the drawer is at the very back of the drawer. Ridiculously, The Toddler and The Baby like to prise open the living room drawer as far as the latch will allow, fish around as far as they can reach, and pull out…the spare child safety latches that were left in the drawer.

(*Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that if children get hurt doing something silly, they’ll learn and won’t do it again. They won’t learn. They will do it again.)

 
2. Child gates

In fairness, these have worked pretty well so far. Once places they would actually fit were identified. And the entire house had been remodelled to make the places they would actually fit useful places to have child gates. And the error of having a gate with a death trap/step over bar at the top of the stairs had been rectified.

It should, however, be noted that child gates are at their most effective for containment of grandparents, not children.

3. Padding for furniture corners and edges

Unless you bubble wrap all of your furniture, there will be parts left unpadded. Those are the parts children bang their heads on.

As for the places where there are pads? Removing those pads is the single-minded relentless goal of any toddler. And it will be achieved. Ultimately, those ‘protective’ pads will not prevent damage to little heads, but they will cause damage to furniture when forcibly removed by little hands.

Plus, of course, the children will take themselves out on the coffee table having tripped whilst tearing towards the coffee table because they have spotted padding to remove.

4. Fridge latches

Fridge latches can withstand five attempts to open the fridge without undoing the latch because you have forgotten there is a latch. Then they fall off.

5. Plug covers

There appears to be some contention as to whether plug covers are necessary or even should be used. They are effective at stopping children getting to the plug sockets, however. They stop adults getting to the plug sockets too. Have you ever tried to remove one of those things? If you need to use a plug socket you have put a cover into, I suggest you install a new set of sockets. It’s easier.

Furthermore, plug covers seem to deal with a largely unnecessary issue. Children are not that interested in empty plug sockets. Children are interested in plug sockets with plugs in them. Playing with empty sockets is much less disruptive to the functioning of the house than randomly unplugging every household appliance. And you just can’t superglue your plugs into sockets, you know. Apparently, it’s not safe.

6. The items that are never included

Fully stocked with these impractical/hazardous ‘safety’ solutions, I have noticed that the safety kits never have anything to improve the safety of two of the most dangerous household objects.

Cushions. Cushions are very dangerous. Children use them to climb. This is not sensible. Cushions make for precarious step ladders. Furthermore, children believe cushions make throwing themselves on the floor from a height safer. That’s true, actually. They also believe they will land on the cushions. Less true. What ingenious solution do child safety kits offer for dealing with the hazards posed by these deadly household items? Nothing, that’s what. How have they all missed this gap in the child safety market?

Nor do they address the threat children pose to one another. Children are very dangerous to each other. They never look where they’re going. But do these kits ever supply padding to stick on the children? No, they do not. Never mind the corners of tables, what about when The Toddler collides with the hard edge of The Baby’s forehead?

 
 
Therein lies the problem, if you ask me. We are trying to childproof houses. We should be childproofing children. My innovative new child safety kits will include mittens, superglue for feet, and forehead padding.

You’re a Good Winner: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, and The Toddler wants to eat Christmas trees but not The Baby’s bum.

Taking a brief break from meal planning, here she is:

1. On being a winner
The Toddler has taken up Rocky style encouragement: ‘Go on, Mummy, you can do it! You’re a good winner!’ The activity The Toddler is encouraging so enthusiastically? Getting her a biscuit.

2. On pandas, hers
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting in the queue at the Post Office. The Toddler has become inexplicably paranoid that other customers want to steal her top, which has pandas on it. She is occupying her time pointing at her top and informing various strangers in the queue: ‘This is not your panda. My panda!’

3. On herself, needing to get cracking
The Baby is wandering around the living room with her bag. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can you help The Baby to put things in her bag?’
The Toddler looks up: ‘No, I can’t. I need to get cracking.’
Silly Mummy did not know The Toddler had plans: ‘Have you got things to do?’
‘Yes, I do.’

4. On talking, never stopping
The Toddler is chattering away, mostly to herself, when she announces, ‘I’ll never stop talking.’ Silly Mummy thinks this sounds like a threat.

5. On Grandma, very clever
Grandma is visiting. Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are going for a walk. Grandma has mentioned that she will just go and get her coat from the car. Later, walking past the car, The Toddler is very insistent that Grandma has to get something from it. Silly Mummy and Grandma assure The Toddler that Grandma already got what she needed. The Toddler is suitably impressed: ‘Oh, very clever, Grandma. Good girl.’

6. On mishearing requests
The Toddler is making demands. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t be demanding.’ The Toddler is confident she is able to comply with Silly Mummy’s request, mostly because she misheard it: ‘Sorry, Mum. I’m not doing mountain.’

7. On Christmas trees
The Toddler was 19 months old last Christmas. She appears to have remembered certain aspects of it. The fact that there were chocolates around, mostly. Whenever she hears mention of Christmas she starts talking about chocolates and the lights. Silly Mummy asks her if she remembers the Christmas tree. The Toddler nods: ‘Christmas tree, yes…can I eat it?’ Silly Mummy thinks The Toddler possibly does not remember the Christmas tree. She may be thinking of something else. The Toddler continues: ‘Need to blow it first. Need to blow candles.’ Definitely thinking of something else. Birthday cakes, it appears.

8. On both of herself
The Toddler and The Baby are being naughty. Silly Mummy says, ‘Can both of you stop doing that, please.’ The Toddler becomes concerned about how many of her are being naughty. To be safe, she confirms, ‘Yes, both of me stop.’

9. On babies, why they cry
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are walking along the road. In the distance, a baby can be heard crying inside a house. The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noise?’ Silly Mummy informs her it is a baby crying in one of the houses. Despite not knowing what the noise was seconds before, The Toddler is suddenly remarkably well informed on the subject of the the crying baby: ‘Oh, it doesn’t like having those hiccups.’

10. On The Baby, not eating her bum
Silly Mummy is changing The Baby’s nappy. The Toddler is providing the following commentary, a strong contender for this year’s prestigious It Goes Without Saying, Thank You, The Toddler Award: ‘We don’t eat The Baby’s bum. Can we not eat The Baby’s bum. We don’t eat The Baby’s stinky poo.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock

Clocks and Snacks

It has now been revealed (following a public incident of not ‘clock’ that was just too ridiculous not to mention) that The Toddler does not actually exactly say ‘clock’ when she’s saying ‘clock’. Well, in the interests of full disclosure, she doesn’t exactly say ‘snacks’ when she’s saying ‘snacks’, either.

Actually, in fairness, she’s started to get a bit more accurate in her pronunciation of ‘snacks’ over the past couple of weeks. Nonetheless, for a long time, The Toddler has not been saying ‘snacks’. She’s been saying, well, ‘sex’. Yes, that’s right: The Toddler has been innocently requesting ‘sex’ (raisin sex, usually) on a roughly hourly basis for months.

So, here are eight sentences The Toddler has been wandering around innocuously spouting. Please read all ‘clocks’ without the ‘l’, and all ‘snacks’ as ‘sex’.

1. In the bath (The Toddler has a foam clock bath toy): ‘That’s my clock up there! Can I have my clock? I play with my clock?’

2. ‘I want snacks! Want snacks now!’

3. Waving her watch around: ‘I wear my clock on now? Mummy, you put my clock on?’

4. ‘Mummy, can I have snacks in the pushchair?’

5. (The Toddler has a gro clock. Silly Daddy gave her the gro clock and showed her how to use it. The Toddler thinks of it as Silly Daddy’s clock, so you can see where this is going. The Toddler sometimes turns off all her plug switches when being naughty at nap time. This annoys Silly Daddy as the clock then needs resetting.) Discussing with Silly Mummy, post nap, whether she has been naughty with the plugs and clock: ‘Yes, I did turn off the clock. That’s Daddy’s clock!’

6. ‘Can The Baby have snacks too?’

7. When The Baby has run off with The Toddler’s watch: ‘That’s my clock, I think.’

8. Wailing: ‘Mummy, I want more snacks!’

 
 
Needless to say, there are no immediate plans to take The Toddler to see Big Ben. Particularly not whilst feeling a bit peckish. The mind boggles. (‘Why, yes, that is a big clock, darling.’)

 

(Disclaimer: Yes, sadly, this sort of thing makes us giggle in the Silly Household. Yes, we do need to grow up. Apologies to all whose sense of humour made it into more sophisticated territory than ‘fourteen year old boy’.)

Draw The Toddler

The Toddler has been drawing a lot lately. She’s moving beyond squiggles. Sometimes there are eyes. Sometimes they’re even on faces.

The Toddler likes cats. 90% of all requests for what she would like people to draw for her have always been cats. The other 10% have been penguins. Now she is drawing for herself, penguins are out, snowmen are in, apparently. Cats remain non-movers at the top of the charts.

The Toddler sits down next to Silly Mummy, ready to draw, yes, a cat. ‘You going to help me, Mum? Right then: let’s draw.’
The Toddler starts drawing her cat. Apparently, it is not going to plan.
‘That’s not a cat either. That’s a snowman. He got orange cheeks. He got big chins.’
The Toddler decides it is best to move on from the large chinned cat/snowman debacle, with no more said.
‘Let’s draw something else. I know: let’s draw The Toddler.’
The Toddler pauses momentarily in her plans to draw herself to address the cat.
‘You okay, Cat? You bit tired? Okay, you go to sleep then.’
Unsolicited sleeping advice given to the already sleeping cat, The Toddler returns to the matter at hand.
‘Okay, yes. Draw The Toddler.’ Unfortunately, The Toddler quickly comes up against an obstacle.
‘Can’t draw that one, Mum. That’s too hard.’
Well, self portraits are notoriously difficult to master. The Toddler quickly formulates a new plan.
‘Draw something else: The Toddler. Can’t draw that one. That’s hard work.’
Oops, turns out the new plan was the same as the old plan.

The Toddler is drawing again. This time avoiding the hard work of trying to draw herself, she announces, ‘I’m drawing a snowman.’ The Toddler is not happy with her drawing, however. It appears there is a problem: ‘That’s not a snowman, it’s a girl!’ The Silly Parents set about explaining that snow people can be girls. The Toddler is sceptical: ‘It’s not a snowman, it’s a girl! I draw a cat.’

Clock: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. The Toddler will take a break from evil cackles (‘ha’) and concerns about what on earth is wrong with boys (many have wondered), to present her thoughts:

1. On pot
The Toddler is sitting next to Silly Daddy. She suddenly declares, ‘Daddy, I’ve got pot.’ Silly Daddy is half way through gathering up bags of crisps and chocolate when it transpires that The Toddler has a spot on her leg.

2. On searching, minimal effort
Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to look for a missing toy. The Toddler does precisely no looking before declaring: ‘I can’t find it anywhere!’
Silly Mummy points out: ‘You haven’t looked!’
The Toddler bucks up her ideas, and carefully inspects the 10cm square patch of empty floor right at her feet: ‘It’s not there, is it?’ Thanks for your help, The Toddler.

3. On clocks, with an ‘l’
The Silly Family are going swimming. Silly Daddy is getting tickets. The Toddler has spotted something she wants Silly Daddy to see: ‘Look, Daddy, a clock!’ Except she’s not yelling ‘clock’. She never says ‘clock’. She always misses the ‘l’. Usually, the context makes her meaning clear. Usually, she can only mean ‘clock’. But this is the swimming pool, no assumptions should be made. A quick check of surroundings is warranted. Everyone is dressed. There is a clock on the wall. All is well.

4. On bags, naughty
The Baby is waving around The Toddler’s spotty Mr Tumble bag. Inevitably, she hits herself in the face. The Toddler takes charge of the situation. By marching over to the bag and saying firmly, ‘Bad bag!’

5. On butterflies, identity issues
The Toddler wants to wear one of her dresses (every day). Silly Mummy offers choices: ‘Pink dress or butterfly dress?’
The Toddler knows her answer: ‘Butterfly dress. It’s got big small ladybirds on it.’ Ah, yes, the ladybirds. Also called butterflies. Silly Mummy wonders why The Toddler thinks we call the dress the ‘butterfly dress’.

6. On evil cackles, ha
The Toddler is quite taken with the evil queen in Enchanted: ‘Can we see evil queen now?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘Yes she’ll be on in a minute. Does she say “mwah ha ha”?’
‘Yes, she does say “ha”! Ha!’ The Toddler may need to work on her evil cackle.

7. On that poor boy
The Toddler has found a new way of showing Silly Mummy up in public. This one’s subtle. She’s doing it with concern. Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in town, and pass a lady who has stopped to feed her crying baby. The Toddler breaks free and runs back to the lady and baby. She stops right in front of them, and loudly says, ‘That poor boy! What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ The Toddler thinks she is being caring. She does not realise she is effectively in some poor woman’s face yelling, ‘Call yourself a mother? Your poor baby is crying! Crying!’ (In a connected matter, there is a boy a little older than The Toddler who lives next door. He has quite a lot of tantrums. Whenever The Toddler can hear him through the walls, she asks, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ Unfortunately, if we bump into them on the street now, regardless of the fact that the boy is not doing anything & is minding his own business, The Toddler will spurn all traditional forms of greeting and loudly ask, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’)

8. On overreaction
The baby has hit The Toddler on the head with a soft toy. Fortunately, The Toddler is not one to overreact: ‘The Baby has broken my head!’

9. On watches, Grandma’s
The Toddler has commandeered Grandma’s watch. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘I want to wear my clock on!’ (She’s not saying ‘clock’. She means clock. She’s not saying clock. See number 3.)
Silly Mummy stops giggling (she’s not saying clock), and deals with the matter in hand: ‘That’s not your clock, is it? That’s Grandma’s.’
‘Yes it is my clock! Not Grandma’s clock. It’s my clock.’ (Not saying clock. Insert your own immature giggling here.)
‘Where did you get it?’
‘It’s Grandma’s.’

10. On the park, for childrens
The Toddler is at the park. Silly Mummy suggests she has a go on the balance bar. The Toddler disagrees: ‘No. It’s for childrens.’ It is unclear what The Toddler thinks she is exactly (apart from not getting on the balance bar, of course).

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits

Toddler Catch 22

Possibly supporting the theory that they have received some kind of crack military training*, toddlers are all masters of Catch 22. Toddler Catch 22 works on the same principles as the original Catch 22**, but the volume is much louder. If you consider carefully, you will probably find that 70% of what your toddler says consists of Catch 22 style paradoxes. (In case you are wondering, a further 20% is non-sequiturs: ‘Look, Mummy, it’s raining; I want cheese!’ The final 10% is ‘raisins’. My groundbreaking book on the development of language in toddlers will be out really no time soon.)

 
 
Here are just a few classic toddler manifestations of Catch 22. (Admittedly, some may not technically be Catch 22s, but I think we can all agree that they retain the key component of ridiculousness.)

1. Too tired for bed
Toddlers may not be put to bed when tired. Any attempt will be met with a meltdown. Why? Because they are tired and they do not want to go to bed. Because they are tired.

2. The category known as: ‘I like cheese. I like toast. What the hell is this cheese doing on my toast?’
According to Catch 22, a toddler may declare that a meal is not to his or her liking. When questioned about the individual ingredients of the meal, the toddler will confirm enjoyment of them all. The toddler will also acknowledge having wolfed down the same meal the previous week. Taking account of these pieces of evidence, would the toddler like to finish the meal?
‘No, don’t like this! Take it away!’
(Additional note: should the toddler subsequently observe a younger sibling eating the exact same meal, the toddler will demand to eat that meal. The toddler will continue to refuse to eat his/her own identical meal. Should the bowls be swapped to accommodate this request, the toddler will need the bowl baby sibling now has. The bowl that was the toddler’s bowl seconds before. The toddler’s bowl filled with the food the toddler would not eat. The toddler wants that one.)

3. Circular reasoning
Daddy is not on the naughty step and must therefore go to the naughty step. Because it is naughty to not be on the naughty step.

4. Shrodinger’s temperature
Shrodinger’s temperature is, of course, a temperature that exists in two states – both hot and cold – simultaneously, until such time as a toddler becomes old enough to make sense. It is this:
‘I’m going to be taking my trowies off.’
‘Why?’
‘I’m a bit hot.’
‘Are you? Mummy thinks it’s a bit cold.’
‘Yes, it is a bit cold.’

5. This
Holding out arm and toy compass on a watch strap: ‘Mummy, put my clock on, please.’ The ‘clock’ goes on. ‘Aargh, Mummy! Mummy! Aargh! I don’t like to have my clock on.’

6. The Mobius strip of naughty
All productivity grinds to a halt when a toddler gets onto the Mobius strip of naughty. Such as this inability to get dressed: ‘No! Am doing something! Am doing naughty!’ Getting dressed is, you see, quite impossible. We are too busy. We are doing something. We are being naughty. We are being naughty because we won’t get dressed. We are, in essence, too busy not getting dressed to be able to get dressed.

7. Broccoli
‘ I don’t like to eat broccoli.’
‘Don’t eat it then.’
‘Yes I can eat broccoli. Want to eat.’ Broccoli goes into the mouth.
‘I don’t like to eat broccoli.’

8. Grandma
Thinking of touching something that is yours? Think again: Toddler Catch 22 forbids it. Grandma, for example, must not, under any circumstances, touch her own camera. ‘Grandma don’t touch that: that’s Grandma’s.’

 
 
Incidentally, if crazy toddler logic has driven you insane, you are entitled to a free spa break. Of course, being driven insane is an entirely rational response to crazy toddler logic. Therefore you are not insane, and cannot have your spa break. Sorry: Catch 22.

 
 

*What do you mean that’s not a theory? It should be a theory. I have evidence.

** The various crazy and paradoxical military rules, from which the pilots are unable to escape, encompassed within ‘Catch-22’ in Joseph Heller’s novel of the same name (worth a read, if you never have). First seen in the rule that any pilot who is insane does not have to fly any more missions, and merely has to ask to be grounded. However, wanting to be grounded in the face of danger is a sane desire, thus proving the pilot is not insane and must fly more combat missions.

A Spinny Armpits: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and The Toddler has a few suggestions for JK Rowling, but first here she is:

1. On doing spells
The Toddler is waving a hoover attachment at Silly Mummy and yelling, ‘A spinny armpits!’ Yes, she means ‘expelliarmus’. Silly Mummy likes The Toddler’s version better. Perhaps JK Rowling would like to rewrite the Harry Potter books with spells by The Toddler? And hoover attachments as wands. The Students can all visit Mr Dyson instead of Mr Ollivander: ‘The lint tool chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.’

2. On PA systems, conversations with
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in the supermarket, passing the travelator. Someone gets onto the travelator, and it starts giving its automated instructions: ‘Stand still and hold onto the hand rail.’ The Toddler is not one to miss out on a conversation, whether it involves her or not: ‘Right, I’m standing still. Standing still now.’ She’s actually sitting in the pushchair. Apparently she is expecting further input from the travelator. She reaffirms: ‘I’m standing still.’ The travelator is a bit rude and fails to acknowledge The Toddler’s compliance with its instructions. However, the PA system steps up to the mark to fill the conversational void: ‘Welcome to the store.’
‘Thank you,’ says The Toddler.

3. On getting her pyjama fix
The Toddler needs someone to help her put on her pyjamas. Strangely, she seems to want to undertake this activity in the style of a Guy Ritchie film or Irvine Welsh novel: ‘Mummy, are you going to sort me out? Daddy, you not sort me out. Mummy’s going to sort me out. You sort me out now, Mummy?’ Apparently, The Toddler is some kind of pyjama addict. She just needs one more hit. She’s going to quit, but she just needs Silly Mummy to sort her out one last time.

4. On dilemmas
The Toddler is doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy, but she has a problem: ‘I’m too big small.’ Well, that is a dilemma.

5. On Silly Daddy, knowing when to stop
The Toddler is no longer doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy does not know when to stop, but The Toddler is in control of the situation: ‘I think it’s enough, Daddy.’

6. On compliments, to others
The Toddler is continuing her campaign of raising Silly Mummy’s self esteem with compliments. This week, she likes to hold Silly Mummy’s face and whisper, ‘You’re very beauty.’ The Baby has also received Toddler-based confirmation that she is ‘very beauty’.

7. On compliments, to herself
The Toddler has not been leaving herself out of her compliments crusade, in case anyone was concerned. Walking around TK Maxx, she spots a mirror. She rushes over, grabs the sides of the mirror with both hands, puts her face millimetres away from the glass, and announces (loudly): ‘I’m so pretty!’

8. On roaring
Silly Mummy and The Baby are talking about tigers: ‘Roar!’ The Toddler is not happy with the situation: ‘Childrens don’t say roar, please.’

9. On evil queens
The Toddler likes to watch Enchanted. She struggles to remember the word ‘evil’. The evil queen appears. The Toddler is quite excited: ‘Look! Look! It’s her – the…awful queen!’

10. On shouting
The Toddler is shouting (repeatedly): ‘Everyone stop shouting!’ All attempts to explain to her that she is the one shouting are proving unsuccessful. Silly Mummy doesn’t think she can hear the explanation. Someone’s shouting.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 17: I’m so busy

The Baby’s Snack

Silly Mummy is giving The Toddler and The Baby a snack. They are both waiting on the other side of the child gate at the kitchen doorway. Feeding time at the zoo.

Silly Mummy gets out a snack. The Toddler claims it. Well, first she tries to claim a different snack: ‘I have gingers? You getting me gingers, Mummy? Having biscuits?’ Once she has accepted she is not having ginger biscuits, she claims the first offered snack: ‘Oh thank you, Mummy! Thank you so much!’ The Toddler does not believe in waiting for the second offered snack. That snack has not yet been proven to exist. The Toddler does not risk snacks that may turn out not to exist. Always take the snack that is definitely real.

The Baby has been waiting hopefully next to The Toddler. The Baby is not as food obsessed as The Toddler. She is also used to having her food taken by The Toddler. Silly Mummy is trying to get out a second snack for The Baby. The Baby, however, evidently believes she missed her chance when the first snack was seized by The Toddler. With a sad little look, she toddles off, dejected. This happens frequently. If anyone remembers the old Incredible Hulk series or film, Silly Mummy is thinking that The Baby needs the closing theme music to accompany her on her sad little way. Or The Littlest Hobo music. A fugitive from snacks, always moving on before she gets her raisins.

The Toddler, who already has food, does not leave. There may be more food. Silly Mummy calls The Baby back to get her snack. The Baby does not return. The Toddler leaps into action: ‘I take it? I take it to The Baby?’ Silly Mummy is suspicious of her motives.

Toddler Towers: Are All Toddlers Basil Fawlty?

Following the slightly disturbing realisation that toddlers behave a lot like the children in Lord of the Flies, I give you the somewhat less disturbing suggestion that living with toddlers is also a lot like an episode of Fawlty Towers. (If you don’t know Fawlty Towers, it’s one of those programmes people used to watch in the days before there was only Peppa Pig. You may have heard rumours about those days. Everything you heard was true.)

You recall the basic tenets of Fawlty Towers: extreme tantrums, silly walks, bossiness, grumpiness, unreasonable behaviour, ridiculous misunderstandings, unintelligible English, and hitting things with sticks. Now, if you would just like to consider the last half an hour or so with your toddler…

Or allow me to present the evidence.

 
1. Public Relations

Much like Basil Fawlty, your average toddler will occasionally decide a random person is the most important* person ever. This person will be fawned over. Everybody else will be ignored. However, this will not last. By the end of the day, both Basil and the toddler will be found screaming at, and probably trying to kick, the previously beloved person.**

*Meaning rich and influential in Basil’s case, and probably in possession of raisins in the toddler’s case.
**Because they turn out to be a conman (Basil), or because they turn out to be a poohead (toddler).

 
2. Taking instruction

Basil and toddlers are prone to ignoring instructions (from their bossy wives/mummies); relentlessly repeating the same bad behaviour (hiring unreliable builders who put doors in the wrong place/knocking over baby siblings); and denying all knowledge (of how the door ended up in the wrong place/the baby sibling ended up in tears).

3. Ducks

There is an episode of Fawlty Towers in which the new chef only works with duck, all the dishes are duck based, and a significant amount of time is spent searching for duck. By some fluke in the space-time continuum, I believe this episode is actually based on my one year old, who talks almost exclusively about ‘duck’. The pursuit of duck is her main purpose in life. At this very moment, and though she can say ‘cat’, she is following the cat around yelling, ‘Duck!’ It is unclear whether she has decided to assign the cat to the role of duck, or expects the cat to locate a duck for her.

4. Food

The Toddler approach to food is modelled almost exactly on Fawlty Towers: complain that you don’t like what you are given only after happily eating half of it; and offer other people bizarre, made up combinations of food. (Ritz salad a la Basil, anyone? It’s like a Waldorf salad, but not. No? My two year old can offer you egg tea, if you prefer?) Toddlers further admire Basil’s willingness to shout at a chef who is not in fact there, though they see no reason to limit such shouting to imaginary chefs: the world is literally full of imaginary people at whom you could be yelling.

5. Questions

Que? This one is quite self explanatory. In fact, I believe Manuel’s record for the most prolific use of the word ‘what’ in a 30 minute period was recently broken by two year old Roland from Weston Super Mare.

6. Misunderstandings

Now, I don’t recommend turning to toddlers for your hammer supply needs. However, if you do, you will find yourself discussing ham sandwiches and hamsters, with someone who doesn’t fully grasp the English language. It happened to Basil, it will happen to you.

7. Stuffed Animals

The Major may have been somewhat surprised to discover a stuffed moose that was both talking and naughty, but for a toddler, of course, this is just another day at the office. Indeed, up to 70% of a toddler’s time can be spent informing stuffed animals (who may or may not be talking back) that they have been naughty.

8. Causing Offence

Like Basil, toddlers are inclined to say absolutely anything that you would really prefer they do not say. Never mind Basil’s inadvertent mentions of the war to the Germans, Toddler Basil would have unashamedly informed them: ‘You did do the war, didn’t you? You are a naughty wolf!’

 
So: conclusive proof (‘ooh I know’) that toddlers are living out Fawlty Towers on a daily basis. (Now, just don’t mention Peppa Pig. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it…)

I’m So Busy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where frankly it is a miracle The Toddler has turned up at all: she’s so busy.

Nonetheless, here she is:

1. On needing to be on the naughty step
The Toddler has pushed over The Baby (who is now on her bottom, looking mildly confused about how she got there). Silly Mummy tells The Toddler it is naughty to push The Baby, even when you’re playing, and she needs to say sorry or she will have to sit on the naughty step. The Toddler dutifully apologises, and gives The Baby a kiss. Silly Mummy tells her to remember not to push The Baby again because next time she will have to go straight to the naughty step. The Toddler is disappointed by the lenience she has been shown. She feels she needs a hard line on punishment: ‘No, I need to go on naughty step now.’ Off she goes. To sit herself on the naughty step. She reappears when she has suitably punished herself.

2. On her make up, finishing it
Mornings are a busy time for The Toddler. She marches over to the coffee table: ‘I finish my make up.’ (It should be noted that at no point did she start her make up. She is jumping right in with finishing the make up. It should also be noted that she doesn’t have any make up.) The Toddler has forgotten something: ‘I say bye bye Daddy first before I finish my make up.’ Silly Daddy dismissed, The Toddler returns to putting on her make up. Which appears to involve moving soft building blocks from the floor to the coffee table. The Baby wanders over and sits down in all the building blocks. The Toddler is scandalised: ‘My make up! The Baby, you’re on my make up!’

3. On herself, so busy
The Toddler has been told to apologise to The Baby for aggressively snatching from her (The Toddler’s sisterly skills appear to have been questionable this week). Unfortunately, The Toddler, who is lining up a tea set, is having some scheduling issues: ‘I’m too busy. I’m going to say sorry. I’m so busy. Say sorry in a second.’ (In a complete disciplinary fail, Silly Mummy falls about laughing at this point, instead of enforcing the apology. Oops.)

4. On taking photographs, the wrong way
The Toddler has Silly Mummy’s phone, and she is taking pictures: ‘I do photo. Oops, I did it wrong way! I did button wrong way, didn’t I?’ This could indicate anything from turning on the front camera and photographing herself, to inadvertently calling for an ambulance.

5. On the cheese, looking at it
The Toddler asks Silly Mummy, ‘Do you want to look at the cheese now?’ She has not organised an inspection of the cheddar. She wants to show Silly Mummy the photographs she has taken/ambulance she has called on Silly Mummy’s phone (‘say cheese’, you see).

6. On the dog, not allowed to wake up
The Toddler is at Grandma and Pop’s house. Grandma and Pop’s dog has been sleeping under the table, but is now getting up. She has not obtained the appropriate permissions from The Toddler for this behaviour, and The Toddler puts an immediate stop to it: ‘Dog, go back to sleep! Now!’

7. On being a bit older
The Toddler has wandered over to a box of toys and is staring at it contemplatively. She has reached a conclusion: ‘I’m a bit older.’ It is unclear whether she is a bit older than she was last time she played with the toys (about an hour ago), or a bit older than the toys and asserting her authority over them, or simply philosophising.

8. On dressing gowns, lovely
The Toddler is feeling very complimentary towards Silly Mummy: ‘Your dressing gown has spots on there. It’s lovely.’

9. On wands
The Toddler has a wand (well, a drumstick), and she is using it to put a spell on a troll on the TV. She is not letting the fact that she has forgotten both the word ‘spell’ and the word ‘wand’ stand in her way: ‘I shoo it away with my witch!’

10. On The Baby, book related behaviour
The Toddler has one of Silly Mummy’s books. The Toddler no longer tries to eat or rip books, and can be trusted with paper books. The Baby cannot be trusted. The Toddler knows this. However, she would like The Baby to join her for a bit of pretend reading. She gives The Baby very clear instructions as to the expected standard of behaviour for this activity: ‘The Baby, you come and read this? We’re not going to eat it, The Baby, just read it. You come here and read it with me. Don’t eat.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 16: Ooh I Say