From The Baby

The Baby’s Snack

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Silly Mummy is giving The Toddler and The Baby a snack. They are both waiting on the other side of the child gate at the kitchen doorway. Feeding time at the zoo.

Silly Mummy gets out a snack. The Toddler claims it. Well, first she tries to claim a different snack: ‘I have gingers? You getting me gingers, Mummy? Having biscuits?’ Once she has accepted she is not having ginger biscuits, she claims the first offered snack: ‘Oh thank you, Mummy! Thank you so much!’ The Toddler does not believe in waiting for the second offered snack. That snack has not yet been proven to exist. The Toddler does not risk snacks that may turn out not to exist. Always take the snack that is definitely real.

The Baby has been waiting hopefully next to The Toddler. The Baby is not as food obsessed as The Toddler. She is also used to having her food taken by The Toddler. Silly Mummy is trying to get out a second snack for The Baby. The Baby, however, evidently believes she missed her chance when the first snack was seized by The Toddler. With a sad little look, she toddles off, dejected. This happens frequently. If anyone remembers the old Incredible Hulk series or film, Silly Mummy is thinking that The Baby needs the closing theme music to accompany her on her sad little way. Or The Littlest Hobo music. A fugitive from snacks, always moving on before she gets her raisins.

The Toddler, who already has food, does not leave. There may be more food. Silly Mummy calls The Baby back to get her snack. The Baby does not return. The Toddler leaps into action: ‘I take it? I take it to The Baby?’ Silly Mummy is suspicious of her motives.

Knock Knock

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The Toddler is still trying to master knock knock jokes. She now believes they are part of dinner time ritual. After eating her food, she leans over and knocks on the table. She prefers physical comedy. Why say ‘knock knock’ when you can make a banging noise?

Before we go any further, something needs to be mentioned here. When the Silly Parents started the knock knock joke teaching, Silly Daddy thought it was amusing to use the very appropriate (*ahem*) ‘Ben Dover’. Because The Toddler wouldn’t get it or remember it, of course. Well, she doesn’t get it. She does remember. Kind of. She remembers Ben.

So, The Toddler is knocking on the table. The Silly Parents obligingly ask, ‘Who’s there?’
‘Ben.’
‘Ben who?’ The Toddler does not reply; she collapses in giggles at her joke.

The Toddler is not done yet. She knocks on the table again.
‘Who’s there?’
‘Ben.’ (This seems familiar.)
‘Ben who?’
‘Ben Bob!’ (Progress. Not towards an actual punchline, of course, but progression from ‘Ben’.) The Toddler starts giggling again.

The Toddler repeats her Ben Bob joke multiple times, each time to rapturous approval and much laughter…from The Toddler.

On the three hundredth rendition, The Toddler makes an alteration to her joke. She knocks on the table. The despairing Silly Parents say, ‘Who’s there?’
‘Ben!’
‘Ben who?’
‘Grandma!’ Oh good, perhaps Grandma knows who Ben is. Perhaps Grandma could have a look around and see if she can find a punchline anywhere: one seems to have gone astray. Perhaps Ben could help her.

The Baby has been watching proceedings from her high chair. She now feels she has got the hang of this joke thing, and is ready to join in. She knocks on her high chair and waits expectantly.
‘Who’s there, The Baby?’
The Baby is ready. She has trained for this moment: ‘Duck!’
‘Duck who?’
The Baby is a knock knock maverick. She holds no truck with punchlines. She knows the humour lies in banging things and yelling ‘duck’. She knocks on the Highchair again and yells, ‘Duck!’
(Perhaps the duck is Ben Bob?)

Silly Mummy attempts to demonstrate a full knock knock joke to The Toddler. Silly Mummy says, ‘Knock knock.’
The Toddler knocks on the table: ‘Knock knock!’
‘No, darling, you say, “Who’s there?”‘
‘Who’s there?’
‘Lettuce.’ The Toddler laughs. She really is the person who laughs because she has no idea what’s going on.
Silly Mummy says, ‘That’s not the end of the joke, The Toddler! You say, “Lettuce who?”‘
‘Lettuce who?’
‘Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!’
The Toddler considers Silly Mummy’s piece of comedy genius: ‘No, it’s not cold outside.’ The Toddler points at, yes, outside: ‘It’s cold out there.’
The Baby knocks on the highchair: ‘Duck!’

The Toddler and The Baby will be here all week, ladies and gentlemen. Duck!

Invasion of the Pyjama Snatchers

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The baby has taken off her pyjama bottoms and is waving them over her head. The Toddler runs over and snatches the pyjama bottoms. She tries to put them on. The Toddler is now in two pyjama bottoms. That’s not right. The Toddler takes off The Baby’s pyjama bottoms. So that she can take off her own pyjama bottoms, and put The Baby’s back on. The Toddler is now wearing just one pair of pyjama bottoms. The Baby’s. On one leg. (The Baby, meanwhile, is wandering the living room giving her bottom a good airing.)

The Toddler confirms the current situation: ‘Wearing The Baby’s trousers on now.’ She starts trying to walk towards Silly Mummy and The Baby. She is hampered by having both of her legs in one hole of some pyjama bottoms that are too small for her. She takes them off. And puts them on her arms.

The Toddler is now waving her own discarded pyjama bottoms at The Baby: ‘The Baby, need to put these ones on now.’ Indeed. It certainly wouldn’t do for anyone to be wearing their own pyjamas. Or, even better, actual clothes.

The Toddler, wearing The Baby’s pyjama bottoms on her arms, her own pyjama top, and nothing on her bottom, announces: ‘Need to go to work now.’ Ah, well, that explains it. The Toddler is getting dressed for work. Her work evidently has a strict dress code: no jeans, no trainers, The Baby’s pyjamas…

The Toddler is still chattering about her plans for the day: ‘Need to go to shops first. Not gone to work yet. Daddy gone to work.’ (Shirt, tie, socks and Silly Mummy’s pyjama bottoms on his head, in case you were wondering.)

The Toddler declares: ‘I’m going to go now.’ She marches to the door, The Baby’s pyjamas still on her arms. She is very busy, and can’t hang around any longer waiting for The Baby to get her arse into gear, put both her legs into one hole of someone else’s pyjamas, and get ready for work.

Name the Children: Your Chance to Get Involved!

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It has come to my attention (through keen powers of observing that The Baby had a birthday), that The Baby is no longer really a baby. As such, renaming of The Toddler and The Baby would appear to be due.

I have decided to open up the options I have been considering for public discussion/voting. *

(*I reserve the right to entirely ignore the publicly favoured option, if it is the one I do not want to use.)

 
 
Without further ado, I give you the shortlist of new names for my now pair of toddlers (oh, yes, I am fully committed to overplaying the excitement level of this post – prepare to be underwhelmed and totally disinterested).

1. The Toddler and The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby
Not really. Just kidding.

2. Toddler the First and Toddler the Second
I like the Lemony Snicketness of this, but wonder if it would fail to be a significant enough distinction, and thus be confusing.

3. The Littlun and The Bigun
A Lord of the Flies reference, so there would be a link to a favourite post of mine. (I know, right, how clever. Perhaps Silly Mummy should also be renamed? Clever Mummy. No? No. It wasn’t even my idea. Thanks, Dad!)

4. Toddler the Elder and Toddler the Younger (to be shortened to The Elder and The Younger)
As in the Pitts (William, not Brad and Angelina). A highbrow political reference. We are very highbrow around here (what is that laughing, stop that right now).

5. The Toddler and The Baby
For those who just don’t like change.

 
 
Which do you prefer? Or do you have suggestions of your own? (Yes, there is a small risk of this leading to further votes to deal with additional suggestions, and the eventual decision to just call them Toddler One and Toddler Two taken on the eve of The Artist Formerly Known as The Baby’s first day in secondary school…)

The Baby’s Five Most Important Words and Phrases (and How to Use Them)

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The Baby has been chatty of late. She has identified the key words and phrases of the English language, and has been using them with gusto. Now, many of you may be surprised to learn what the most significant words and phrases in the English language, as set out below, actually are (particularly as one of them would appear to be French). Please do not be embarrassed: few are able to attain the lofty heights of The Baby’s grasp on linguistics. The correct frequency and proper usage for the word ‘duck’, for example, is understood by woefully few people. In an effort to re-educate, therefore, here are the words you need to know, and how you should be using them.

1. Cat
The Baby’s unrequited love affair with the cat continues. ‘Cat’ was probably her first clear word, after the usual ‘mama’ and ‘dada’. The Baby likes to make sure everyone is aware of the cat’s location at all times. She will jab her finger insistently in the cat’s direction and yell, ‘Cat! Cat!’ Should The Baby’s cat location services ever be specifically called upon with an actual query about where the cat is, The Baby is beside herself with glee: ‘Cat! Cat!’ The cat tries her best to be inconspicuous. Sorry, cat, like a tiny Liam Neeson: The Baby will look for you, she will find you, and she will point at you.

2. The Toddler
Of course, The Baby isn’t actually saying ‘The Toddler’. That would be weird. But she has started to say The Toddler’s real name. She first did this on an outing to the common, whilst The Toddler was running around and hiding behind trees. The Baby pointed at her: ‘The Toddler! The Toddler!’ It had come to The Baby’s attention that, like the cat, The Toddler was trying to hide. As with the cat, The Baby wasn’t having any of it. Never attempt to go incognito around The Baby. She will identify you. Loudly and repeatedly.

The Baby also likes to use her new word to request that The Toddler partake in her favourite game: peekaboo. She shouts, ‘The Toddler!’ The Toddler looks up. The Baby covers her eyes and giggles. The Baby repeats the process. Just a few times. The Toddler obligingly plays peekaboo. She was personally requested, after all.

3. Duck and quack
Presumably these words came from Sarah and Duck (the recent addition of ‘sayer duck’ to The Baby’s repertoire would seem to support this). Ducks occur to The Baby at random times, following which she will spend a pleasant fifteen or so minutes happily hollering, ‘Duck! Duck! Duck! Quack! Duck! Duck!’ As The Toddler has recently discovered the cupboard where the juggling balls are kept, and has taken to using them as missiles, The Baby’s love of chatting about ducks doubles as good safety advice.

4. Frere Jacques
The Toddler has been singing Frere Jacques a lot lately. Being a good, doting little sister, The Baby has therefore decided this is her favourite song. She bursts into ‘rehreh jacka’ at regular intervals, and is delighted when people join in. If people don’t join in, The baby offers light encouragement. Which is to say she relentlessly screeches, ‘Rehreh jacka! Rehreh jacka!’

5. Catch
When throwing and catching are taking place, The Baby likes to be involved. She likes to ensure that it is clear that she is involved by shouting ‘catch’ whenever anyone else says ‘catch’. It should be noted that, for all the shouting of ‘catch’, very little catching actually occurs. Though Baby can claim a better catching record than The Toddler – she has occasionally caught balls with her face, at least. The Baby’s reaction to being hit in the face with a ball? ‘Catch!’

Trust Me, I’m Still a Toddler

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The Baby is in trouble for harassing (throwing toys at) the cat again. She is crying hysterically (The Baby, not the cat – the cat looks a little smug, actually). Silly Daddy said ‘no’ to The Baby. He said, ‘No! Don’t do it!’ The Baby understands ‘no’. She has formulated two responses to ‘no’. The first is for any ‘no’ The Baby has deemed lacks sufficient conviction to be taken seriously. The Baby has concluded that the appropriate reaction to such a ‘no’ is to giggle and carry on as you were. The second response is for your serious, actually in trouble, shouty ‘no’. In these cases, The Baby feels that the only course of action is to weep hysterically and inconsolably. It is currently unclear whether The Baby is absolutely distraught to discover she has been naughty, or has simply decided, once and for all, that she is putting a stop to this ridiculous belief that people can go around telling her ‘no’.

So, The Baby is sobbing her little heart out. The Toddler is at the scene: ‘Me give The Baby a cuddle.’ The Baby does not want a cuddle; she cries harder. As a trained medical professional, The Toddler is unfazed: ‘Me get doctor’s kit!’ The Toddler rushes off and returns with her doctor’s kit.

The Toddler pulls out her stethoscope and listens to The Baby’s chest. The Baby keeps crying. The Toddler rams a thermometer into The Baby’s mouth: ‘Do tentup!’ The Baby’s ‘tentup’ is fine but, if anything, she is now more upset. Out comes the otoscope. The Toddler inspects The Baby’s ear. The Baby does, in fact, have something wrong with her ear: Silly Daddy told her off right in her ear and it was unacceptable. Despite coming so close to a medical breakthrough, The Toddler abandons the otoscope. She has decided that The Baby could do with a hair cut. Fortunately, there are scissors in the doctor’s kit. The Toddler grabs these and starts chopping at sections of The Baby’s hair. The Baby is not happy about this at all.

Hair cut completed, The Toddler frankly forgets about her investigation into The Baby altogether. She has a syringe. She brandishes it at the room in general and yells, ‘Roar!’ A roaring syringe. Interesting. That must be the controversial Measles Mumps and Roar vaccine.

The results of the extensive medical tests on The Baby have revealed two things. Firstly, The Baby is crying. Secondly, The Baby does not appreciate being the subject of extensive medical tests when she is crying.

Speaking for The Baby

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This is a blog about children’s language. Specifically, my children’s language. Mostly The Toddler’s language, The Baby’s vocabulary currently consisting of ‘cat’. I have noticed something about The Toddler’s language (hey, it’s only taken forty odd blog posts about The Toddler’s language for me to notice something about it.) What I have noticed is this: the times when The Toddler chooses to speak for The Baby are quite interesting.

Mostly, you see, The Toddler does not speak for The Baby. Much of the time, she leaves The Baby to her own babbling, shouting or fussing devices. She appears to accept that this is what The Baby does, and does not intervene. Sometimes, The Toddler is interested in what The Baby is saying, and will join in with baby talk. Very occasionally, she will try to translate (which is to say, she will make it up). Other times, she pays no attention at all.

However, when The Baby’s noises show an emotion, particularly a negative one, The Toddler will usually get involved. She will report The Baby’s feelings to Mummy: ‘The Baby is sad.’ She will offer reassurance to The Baby: ‘Don’t worry, the Baby!’ She will be on hand to assist The Baby: ‘I’m coming, The Baby!’ She will try to cuddle and kiss The Baby. She will offer dummies, water and toys.

Most notably, when something is being done to The Baby that The Baby does not like (nasal aspiration, when needed, has never been popular), The Toddler will speak for her. She will be outspoken and very insistent: ‘No! Don’t do that! Stop doing that! The Baby doesn’t like that! Don’t do it!’

Likewise, when The Toddler believes The Baby wants or needs something, she will voice the need on The Baby’s behalf: ‘The Baby want more food. Get her more food, please.’

It appears that The Toddler recognises that The Baby does not have the words to tell people how she feels or what she needs (‘cat’, as it turns out, is not the most useful of words). The Toddler uses her words on The Baby’s behalf when she believes The Baby needs help.

What does this behaviour demonstrate? It suggests that The Toddler has some understanding of how important words can be as a means of expression. Certainly, it shows that The Toddler is able to recognise emotions in others, and has learnt some appropriate responses. Perhaps there is also empathy there. Maybe The Toddler is already showing an ability to empathise with her little sister. Probably a little. She has an innate human ability for empathy, and she is starting to learn to develop it. However, at her age, it seems unlikely her understanding of others has developed to the level of true empathy yet, not empathy as adults would understand or display it. One thing I believe The Toddler’s behaviour is absolutely indicative of, is how completely she has accepted The Baby. The Baby is hers, a part of the world The Toddler views as hers. The Toddler looks after what is hers, simply because it is hers. Perhaps, then, she is protecting her sister more than understanding her, at present. Or maybe it is a little of both.

Whatever the motivation, The Toddler instinctively speaks up for one who cannot speak for herself. Adults often develop inhibitions that prevent them from speaking out, even when they feel that they should; for a toddler, nothing stands in the way.

Soon, of course, The Baby will have her own words. She will speak for herself. However, I have no doubt that there will still be times when she will need her sister to speak up for her. Just as there will be times when she is needed to speak up for The Toddler. I hope that, no matter how old they are, my girls will always understand when the other needs them. I hope they will each always have the words to fight for their sister when she can’t do it for herself.

 
 
What do you think? Are two year olds capable of showing empathy? How do your children relate to each other? Do they protect each other?

Calm Down: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

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PandaRoll up, roll up!* It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

(*When you reach number 10, you are going to be really impressed with the tie in. Well, maybe not really impressed. Mildly impressed. Mildly might still be overstating it. You’re going to think, ‘Oh. Yeah.’)

Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On safety
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. The Toddler has decided to ensure that all the appropriate regulations are being followed. She makes The Baby aware of the priorities: ‘Safety first, The Baby.’ The Baby looks at her soft, squishy ball in confusion, and flings it in a safety conscious manner at The Toddler’s head.

2. On baby pandas, not cute
Silly Mummy is showing The Toddler a video of a baby panda playing with a ball. The Toddler is amused. The baby panda is very cute. He loves his ball. It’s all very cute. Doesn’t everyone find baby pandas cute? Silly Mummy says to The Toddler, ‘Is he cute?’
‘No, not cute.’ Okay, not everyone.

3. On Mummy’s hair
The Toddler is stroking Mummy’s hair: ‘This nice. Like it…Cut it off now?’ Well, that escalated quickly.

4. On herself, thinking…maybe
The Toddler has climbed onto Silly Mummy’s bed. Silly Mummy says, ‘What are you doing up there?’
The Toddler knows the answer to this, thus she is able to provide an assured and decisive response: ‘I’m thinking…No…Yes. Am thinking. Doing thinking now.’ Nothing like having to think about whether you’re thinking.

5. On Grandma, writing it
The Toddler is looking at a book of nursery rhymes. She is pointing at part of the inscription Grandma wrote for her inside the front cover: ‘What’s that say?’
Silly Mummy tells her, ‘That’s the date when Grandma wrote it.’
The Toddler is astounded: ‘Grandma wrote it? Grandma WROTE IT??’ The Toddler is either really impressed by anyone being able to write, or she now thinks Grandma wrote the whole book.

6. On Mummy, not saying that
The Toddler marches over to Silly Mummy with her hand extended, and demands, ‘Do nice to meet you.’
Silly Mummy holds out her own hand, and obediently says, ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘No, don’t say that, Mummy.’

7. On Daddy, being naughty
Silly Daddy has said something to The Toddler that she doesn’t like. She is now looking mutinous and muttering away under her breath: ‘Daddy, go away. Go away, being naughty.’

8. On calming down
The Toddler is lying on the bathmat after her bath. She suddenly says, ‘Calm down.’ Then: ‘Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, CALM DOWN!’ She is panting, giggling and rolling around. Silly Mummy doesn’t think The Toddler quite grasps the concept of calming down. Based on a comparison of The Toddler’s demeanour before and after calming herself down, Silly Mummy concludes that The Toddler has confused ‘calm’ and ‘rabid’.

9. On catch 22
The Toddler is getting up. Silly Mummy therefore inexplicably suggests getting dressed: ‘Let’s get The Toddler into some clothes.’
‘No, Mummy, stop being naughty! Am doing something! Am doing naughty!’ Well, quite. The Toddler cannot get dressed because she is busy. She is doing something. The something she is doing is being naughty. Why is she being naughty? Because she won’t get dressed. It’s toddler catch 22. Toddler catch 22 is very like any catch 22, but louder and more hysterical.

10. On the circus, flashbacks to
The Toddler is eating her dinner. She suddenly stops. She stares into the distance. She announces, ‘Went circus…With Grandma…And Daddy…Went clap, clap.’ She claps her hands. The Toddler returns to her dinner. The Toddler did go to the circus. With Grandma and Daddy. It was about a month ago. The Toddler is having circus flashbacks. You weren’t there, man! You don’t know!

(The Baby is funny too
The Baby is on a mission. She pulls herself up on her little lion walker, and marches over to Silly Mummy at quite a pace. The Baby looks at Silly Mummy, she bangs her little hand down on the handle of her walker for emphasis, and declares, ‘A raah rah! A raah rah! A yeah yeah yeah!’ Having made that quite clear, she nods with satisfaction, and marches off again.)

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

Give The Baby Back Her Pigas!

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Give the Baby Back Her PigasTechnically, The Toddler and The Baby each have their own toys. Nevertheless, The Toddler can often be found grabbing The Baby’s toys. Purely in the interests of showing The Baby how they work, of course. The Toddler will just be over here, hiding from The Baby, showing her how her toys work. Sometimes, she actually does show The Baby: ‘Look, The Baby! Look this one!’

The Toddler likes to present The Baby with her toys, even if she can be found taking them away five minutes later. Every morning, when Silly Mummy gets out toys for The Baby, The Toddler bounds over: ‘The Baby’s play toys! The Toddler take!’ Silly Mummy piles them into her arms, and she staggers off: ‘Take it! I got it!’ She drops them on the floor: ‘Here go, The Baby! Play toys!’

Meanwhile, The Baby can usually be found chewing The Toddler’s toys. The Toddler is mostly quite tolerant of this: ‘Are you playing, The Baby? The Baby put it in mouth, Mummy! Likes that one!’ She will give The Baby toys she knows The Baby likes: ‘Here, The Baby, have this one.’

Not the doctor’s kit, though. The Baby is not allowed to play with The Toddler’s doctor’s kit. The Toddler won’t stand for that: ‘No, The baby, can’t eat that one! The Toddler’s! The Baby can’t like it! Give it back!’ (This is fair enough, really. The first thing they teach in medical school is that you can’t eat the stethoscopes.)

The Baby feels it is time for a little toy possessiveness of her own. The Baby is on Silly Mummy’s lap. The Toddler has picked up The Baby’s musical bell shaker. It has come to The Baby’s attention that The Toddler has her musical bell shaker. She is bouncing and pointing excitedly. Silly Mummy says, ‘Yes, that’s yours, isn’t it? What’s The Toddler got?’
The Baby scours her vocabulary of no words for the right word (not an easy task). She jabs her finger in The Toddler’s direction, and yells, ‘Pigas!’
Indeed. Give The Baby back her pigas, The Toddler!

Ten (More) Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

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Ten More Things

  1. ‘Don’t kiss the TV, please, The Toddler.’
  2. ‘That’s no way to react to being told you can’t help with poo.’
  3. (In a field) ‘Maybe we won’t point out every piece of grass, The Toddler.’
  4. ‘The Baby needs to tell her face that she likes banana, doesn’t she?’
  5. ‘This is Mummy’s dinner, and Mummy doesn’t want it poking.’
  6. (To The Toddler, who has noticed she can’t see her scribbles, after Silly Mummy fobbed her off with a toy syringe instead of a pen) ‘Well, it’s invisible writing because it’s a special syringe pen. It’s not really for writing, usually – it only writes for magic people.’
  7. ‘I don’t know where the toy knife is, The Toddler: will the toy spoon do? No? It has to be the knife? Why do we need to knock all towers over with a toy knife?’
  8. ‘Are you chatting on the baby wipe? Who did you call on the baby wipe? Oh it’s Daddy, is it?’
  9. (To The Baby, who is trying to crawl away in order to avoid having her nappy changed) ‘Where do you think you’re going with your stinky bum, Great Escape? Are you making a break for it? Will you & your stinky bum be in Switzerland by dinner time?’
  10. ‘You can’t drink raisins with a straw.’

 
 
See also: Ten Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

Five and a Half Things The Baby Has Learnt from The Toddler

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Five and a Half Things The Baby Has Learnt from The Toddler1. There is a random object on her head. This is a ‘hat’
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a toddler in possession of a coaster must be in want of a baby’s head to put it on.* The Baby has learnt that a wide variety of objects will be placed on her head and declared a ‘hat’. In fact, the only requirement for objects that can be The Baby’s ‘hat’ is that they must not, under any circumstances, actually be a hat. The Baby smiles tolerantly whilst The Toddler puts a leaflet advertising pizza on her head and shouts, ‘The Baby hat on! Hippos away!’**

* To almost entirely misquote Jane Austen.
** ‘The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray.’ Obviously.

2. Kiss…cuddle…aah
The Toddler loves to do kisses and cuddles. She has a routine: ‘Mummy, kiss, please…Cuggle…Aaahh!’ The Baby is a frequent, if not always willing, recipient of Toddler kisses and cuddles: ‘The Toddler is wanting give The Baby kiss.’ Sometimes, The Toddler will explain what they are doing: ‘Mummy, doing cuggles. Cuggles, The Baby.’ This is presumably just in case an inexperienced observer was to think The Toddler, now wrestling The Baby with an arm around her neck, was attempting to strangle a distressed infant. They’re cuddling, okay? The Baby may not always appreciate the kisses and cuddles, but she has paid attention to the routine. Now, when Silly Mummy asks The Baby for a kiss, The Baby opens her mouth and head butts Silly Mummy (still not quite got the hang of kisses), before putting her arms around Silly Mummy and saying, ‘Aaahh!’

3. It is naughty to eat the bin (and The Toddler is a bit of a grass)
The Baby’s favourite toy/lunch is the living room bin. Should The Baby be lucky enough to find someone has left the bin within her reach (yes, hiding the bin from The Baby is an actual thing around here), she will immediately attempt to get any item she finds in the bin, the bin bag and the bin itself into her mouth. Should The Baby succeed in engaging in this activity without Silly Mummy noticing, The Toddler alarm will activate: ‘No, The Baby! Naughty! Don’t, The Baby! Mummy! The Baby can’t eat the bin! The Baby naughty!’

4. She’s ‘it’
Due to some very irresponsible parenting, The Toddler has recently learnt about being ‘it’. She now likes to run up to people, smack them and yell, ‘It!’ She understands that she is supposed to run away from people threatening to make her ‘it’. The Baby does not know the rules of ‘it’. Nor can she run. As a result, The Baby can be found sitting on her bottom, smiling patiently, whilst The Toddler repeatedly whacks her on the arm and screams, ‘It!’ The Baby does not know what ‘it’ is, but she accepts that she is ‘it’.

5. Raisins are contraband (and delicious)
The Toddler has some raisins. The Toddler holds out a raisin to The Baby. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler not to give the raisins to The Baby. The Baby is having her own, more suitable, snack. (Read: more digestible snack. There was a raisin incident; Silly Mummy doesn’t want to talk about it.) The Toddler nods. No raisins for The Baby. Silly Mummy fetches The Baby’s snack. The Toddler and The Baby are now looking shifty.
‘Did you give The Baby a raisin?’
‘No.’
‘Has The Baby got a raisin?’
‘No.’
‘Is that a raisin in The Baby’s mouth?’
‘Yes. The Baby eating raisin.’

5 1/2. The Toddler loves her
The Toddler gave The Baby one of her raisins. Voluntarily. The Baby is very special.

Conversations With The Baby

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Conversations With The BabyThe Baby has made the effort to join in the conversation between The Toddler and Silly Mummy (not to mention, debated with parrots). The Toddler therefore decides to return the favour. She will chat with The Baby about what The Baby wants to talk about. She will use The Baby’s native tongue, Garble (a beautiful and nuanced language, for those who don’t know).

She announces her intentions: ‘Talk to The Baby.’ She sits down in front of The Baby, and looks at her expectantly.
The Baby says, ‘Ooh rah rah raah!’
The Toddler says, ‘Ooh rah rah raah!’
The Baby looks pleased: The Toddler has just agreed to hand over all of her toys for chewing. The Toddler looks pleased: she has no idea she has just agreed to hand over all of her toys for chewing.

The Toddler quickly progresses to initiating conversations. She approaches The Baby and says, ‘Ah wah wah bah!’
The Baby is pleased with The Toddler’s effort to speak her language. She yells, ‘Ah bah bah bah!’
The Toddler agrees, ‘Ah bah bah bah!’
The Baby is very excited, she bounces up and down and hollers, ‘Gah! Goober rah!’
The Toddler laughs and repeats, ‘Gah! Goober rah!’
The Baby has more to say. She screeches, ‘Geh rah eh nargh!’
This conversation has really got away from The Toddler now. The Toddler needs to shut it down: ‘No, The Baby! Shh!’

The Toddler’s translation skills are a little suspect. The Baby says, ‘Ming ming ming !’
The Toddler says, ‘Ming ming ming! Talking to The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Yes, I can see you are talking to The Baby. What are you talking about?’
‘Kiss. The Baby want kiss.’
The Baby glares. She does not want a kiss. The Toddler wants a kiss. The Baby wants to discuss historical Chinese dynasties, apparently.

Despite The Toddler’s previous record of mistranslation, Silly Mummy still calls upon her expertise in matters of Baby interpretation. The Baby says, ‘Bah bah gah.’
The Toddler says, ‘The Baby talking.’
Silly Mummy agrees, ‘Yes, she is. Do you know what she’s saying?’
The Toddler nods, ‘Bah bah gah.’
Obviously. Silly Mummy. Ask a stupid question…

Daddy

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DaddyAbout Daddy (‘Silly Daddy’). Daddy reads ‘The Gruffalo’ (with silly voices). Daddy builds forts (with the seat cushions from all the chairs). Daddy does the big slides and the fun rides (18 month old on a ferris wheel, anyone?) Daddy tickles. Daddy throws (balls, toddlers, babies). Daddy chases. Daddy carries. Daddy teaches us to say ‘fart’. (Good work, Daddy. That was a fun few days out in public for Silly Mummy. Thankfully, we are currently on a hiatus from the word, if not the activity.) Daddy sometimes has a beard.

Yes: about that. The Toddler often points at random bearded men and shouts, ‘Daddy!’ This is comical for the following reason. Daddy’s beardedness (when present) falls somewhere in the stubble to moderately bearded range. The men The Toddler points at invariably fall in the ridiculous to Father Christmas range. If it wasn’t for (a) the anonymity of the blog, and (b) Silly Mummy’s feeling that it is probably inappropriate to photograph either random men or their beards, this would by now have led to a feature. The feature would involve pictures of Daddy and pictures of random bearded men The Toddler has yelled ‘daddy’ at. The feature would be called #BeardyDaddy (don’t really get hashtags, #gettinginvolvedanyway). There would be a special ‘Beardy Daddy, The Prequel’ edition, featuring a picture of Silly Mummy’s Daddy and a picture of Ian Botham, who Silly Mummy believed was also Daddy for much of the early eighties.

The Toddler has a few things to say on the subject of Daddy.

Daddy’s tickles: ‘Oh, Daddy, no! No, Daddy!…More gain! More tickles!’

Breakfast with Daddy: ‘Eat brekkie. Watch chugga. Daddy eaty food.’ Apparently, they watch Chuggington, then.

Dancing with Daddy (the Hokey Cokey, this is evidently not optional): ‘In out shake it all about, Daddy. Doing in out now, Daddy!’

Things Daddy says on the telephone (The Toddler is speaking to ‘Daddy’ on her tricycle’s toy phone): ‘The Toddler speak Daddy. Hello, Daddy. Mummy speak.’ Mummy dutifully takes the phone to speak to Daddy, as instructed. The Toddler snatches the phone back. Mummy is not speaking to Daddy. The Toddler is speaking to Daddy. The Toddler hangs up. Silly Mummy asks, ‘What did Daddy say?’
‘Moo! Cow. Chicka. Monkey. Daddy monkey.’ Wow. Daddy is quite the telephone conversationalist.

Seeing Daddy outside her bedroom window: ‘Daddy climby wall!’ Daddy did once climb the wall to work on the roof. The Toddler now checks for daddies ‘climbying’ walls every time she looks out of her window.

Daddy returning home: ‘Daddy get home now!’ The Toddler says this when it is close to the time Daddy usually returns from work. It is not an observation: it is a command. (The Baby concurs with The Toddler: ‘A rah rah rah! A rah!’ Indeed.)

The Baby has something to say on the subject of Daddy, too: ‘Dada! Dada!’

The Toddler and The Baby have things to say about Daddy, but they don’t yet have the words they need to say all there is to say. If they did, they would tell you that Daddy is fun, Daddy is loving, Daddy is practical, Daddy is brave, Daddy is strong. (Daddy is also, of course, Batman. The Toddler does have the words for that.) They love Daddy.

Silly Mummy has words, so she will try to tell you about her own Dad (Grandad Grumps). Her clever, loving, strong, supportive, amazing Dad. Her Dad, who is always there for her, who has done so much for her, and who she loves more than she can say. Her Dad, the proud, doting – and very loved – Grandad.

Silly Mummy will also tell you about Grandad Pop, Silly Daddy’s Dad. Another strong and loving father, who taught Silly Daddy to be a father. A man who adores The Toddler and The Baby, and Silly Daddy; and who they adore in return.

This is a blog about the things The Toddler talks about, and these – the strong and loving daddies of our families – are (quite rightly) some of The Toddler’s favourite things to talk about (and some of The Baby’s favourite people to shout nonsense at).

Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby wish a Happy Father’s Day* to the wonderful Silly Daddy, and to the two wonderful Dads who are now also wonderful Grandads. We love you very much.

(*’Happy Birthday!’ says The Toddler, confused by the presents.)

Ten Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

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10 Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

  1. ‘The Toddler, don’t ride The Baby, please.’
  2. ‘The Baby doesn’t want a rhino on her head at the moment.’
  3. ‘Sweetheart, the little girl and her mummy don’t want to do the Hokey Cokey…No, we’re not doing the Hokey Cokey now…No: no “in out”.’
  4. ‘You want to phone Grandad’s doggies? Doggies aren’t very good at phone calls.’
  5. ‘No, The Baby, you can’t chew the cat!’
  6. ‘Yes, it’s raisins on a bus. Where do you think they’re going?’
  7. ‘I can’t sing that, darling. That’s not a song, it’s a hot air balloon.’
  8. ‘The cat doesn’t want a plastic banana, a toy remote, a spoon, or a small fluffy dinosaur, thank you, The Toddler.’
  9. ‘What’s that noisy? Well, that would be your bottom.’
  10. ‘Don’t wipe the cat. She doesn’t like it.’

 
 
See also: Ten (More) Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

Come On, Guys: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

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Come On, Guys: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekIn what may become a new feature (if The Toddler continues to be funny this week), Silly Mummy presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week (and a word from The Baby).

So, without further ado, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On The Baby, plans of
The Toddler is watching The Baby crawl out of the room: ‘The Baby busy. The Baby go shops.’ (Oh good: we need milk.) The Baby returns to the room seconds later. The Toddler announces: ‘The Baby not go shops. Baby want tea cup.’ (No milk, then. Good luck with that tea, The Baby.)

2. On the dolls’ house, orders given to
The Toddler wishes the dolls’ house to report for duty forthwith: ‘Come on doll house. Quick.’ The dolls’ house is about as obedient as The Baby, and stubbornly remains where it is.

3. On Mummy, waiting
The Toddler is taking an important, albeit imaginary, phone call: ‘Hello…talk…yes…’ The Toddler has spotted Silly Mummy. Apparently, Silly Mummy is needed. The Toddler pauses in her phone call to say to Silly Mummy, ‘Stay there, Mummy: one minute.’ She returns to the call, ‘Hello…talk…hello…hang on a minute.’ Evidently, the imaginary caller has been put on hold. Both Silly Mummy and the caller are now waiting. The Toddler has left. She’s eating raisins.

4. On The Baby, pickle tendencies
The Baby is trying to crawl away whilst her nappy is being changed.
Silly Mummy: ‘Oh, The Baby, you are a -‘
The Toddler: ‘- Pickle!’
Silly Mummy: ‘Yes! And a squidget fidget!’ (What?? It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say!)
The Toddler (giving Silly Mummy a disparaging look): ‘No. Not that one. Pickle.’ (Okay, apparently it’s not a perfectly reasonable thing to say. The Baby is just a pickle.)

5. On Mummy, opposition to
‘Oooh, Mummy, no!’ The Toddler is a Carry On film. Or Dick Emery. (Stay tuned: it is likely by next week Silly Mummy will be awful, but we’ll like it.)

6. On toast, losing that one
The Toddler is searching for plastic toast from her breakfast set: ‘Where’s that one toast? Where’s it gone, Mummy? More find it. Oh dear.’ (It’s still missing, incidentally. Silly Mummy knows you were on the edge of your seats, thinking, ‘But where was the one toast? Has it been found?’) Oddly, all missing items last week were referred to as ‘the one’: ‘Where’s the one gone?’ It was like The Toddler Matrix around here.

7. On wanting things, actually
‘I want that one, actually.’ Oh, actually. You want it, actually. Well, actually, that one is Silly Mummy’s mascara, actually. ‘Yes. That. Want it, actually.’

8. On herself, getting out of the way
The Toddler is trying to close the playpen gate whilst standing in the gateway. It is not going well. The Toddler has a word with herself: ‘Shut it door…The Toddler out way first.’

9. On coming on, guys
The Toddler is charging across the room. Apparently, everyone should be following. This requires a new command. The usual ‘come on, The Baby’ won’t cut it: everyone should be following. The Toddler is therefore calling, ‘Come on, guys!’ Yep, that ought to cover it, but where on earth did she learn it?

10. On The Baby, looks
The Toddler sidles over to The Baby. She declares The Baby to be ‘gorgeous’. That is all. She sidles away.

(And a word from The Baby
‘Duck!’ Yes, duck. The Baby has taken to repeating ‘duck’ whenever she hears Silly Mummy or The Toddler say it, which is surprisingly often (thanks, ‘Sarah and Duck’). Silly Mummy wonders what The Baby thinks ‘duck’ is. Has ‘duck’ been said with such disproportionate frequency that The Baby is under the impression it is a vital word? The first word she will need. See what you’ve done, Sarah and Duck!)

 
 
Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me