I’ll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

I'll Tell You What, Mummy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last WeekIn what has now officially become a new feature (two weeks in a row is a new feature, right?), Silly Mummy once again presents ten of the funniest things The Toddler said last week. (If you missed last week’s edition, you can see it here.)

So here she is, The Toddler:

1. On Mummy, not getting a kiss
Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can I have a kiss?’
‘No, Mummy. Thanks.’ Thanks? Thanks?? What is that? Not just rejected, but formally rejected: ‘Thank you for your interest in a kiss but, unfortunately, we will not pursuing your application at this time.’ Silly Mummy considers herself told.

2. On stairs, no one being big enough
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are about to descend the stairs. Silly Mummy is carrying The Baby; The Toddler will walk down herself, holding Mummy’s hand. The Toddler knows we must be careful going down the stairs. She knows The Baby cannot go down the stairs by herself. At the top of the stairs, The Toddler proclaims, ‘The Baby not stairs!’
Silly Mummy confirms, ‘No, The Baby can’t go on the stairs – she’s not big enough, is she?’
The Toddler nods, and adds, ‘The Toddler not big enough.’
‘You’re not big enough for the stairs?’
‘No. And Mummy not big girl. No stairs!’ Oh dear. The Baby, The Toddler and Silly Mummy are all not big enough to go down the stairs. Well, this is a dilemma. On with the post from the top of the stairs, where we shall remain until we are big girls.

3. On not
The Toddler has decided the word ‘not’ can stand alone. The Toddler holds no truck with any of the words ‘not’ usually serves to negate. Do not, cannot, will not, have not, is not, must not. Clearly, ‘not’ is the significant word here: those pesky verbs are just wasting her time.
‘Can you put those back, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’
‘Do you want to get dressed, The Toddler?’
‘Oh no, Mummy, not.’

4. On Mummy, shutting up
‘Shhh, Mummy, shut.’ Did she just tell Silly Mummy to shut up? She just told Silly Mummy to shut up, didn’t she?

5. On Grandma, not available on the remote control
Now, The Toddler often Skypes with her various grandparents on the TV. She knows about Skype. She provides detailed instructions: ‘Call Grandma on TV. Remote up there! Armpit cam!’ (To clarify, the remotes are kept out of reach – ‘up there’. The webcam is not kept in anyone’s armpit – the shutter needs opening, and The Toddler’s version of ‘open it’ is ‘armpit’.) The Toddler is also aware that Mummy and Daddy tend to phone the grandparents first to see if they are available. It seems The Toddler is now taking matters into her own hands. She has her toy remote control. She puts it up to her ear. (The Toddler is very busy. She does not have time to find her toy phone and her toy remote. The remote is therefore now a phone.) ‘Hello. Talking. Hello, Grandma. It’s me. The Baby is naughty. Hello. Talking. Hmm. Yes. Okay.’ The Toddler takes the remote away from her ear. She is satisfied that she has now made the appropriate arrangements with Grandma on the remote/phone (and, apparently, has additionally reported The Baby for some unspecified transgression). The Toddler now points the remote at the TV: ‘Hello. It’s me. Hello.’ The TV continues to play Sarah and Duck. Not a Grandma in sight. (Not a parent in sight, for that matter. Who on earth is responsible for that child? Wandering around town with a duck. A duck is not a suitable legal guardian. In Silly Mummy’s day cartoon children were properly supervised by a pair of responsible adult legs at all times! But Sarah and Duck is not the point here…) The Toddler continues to wave the remote at the TV, which (unsurprisingly, given that it’s a toy remote) remains Grandma-less. ‘Hello. It’s me. Can’t see Grandma. Oh dear.’

6. On Daddy, doing it every time
Daddy and The Toddler are playing throw and catch (throw and throw, in The Toddler’s case (http://risforhoppit.uk/throw-and-catch/)). Without The Toddler’s prior written approval, Daddy decides to include The Baby in throw and catch. For the first time ever, Daddy throws the ball to The Baby. The Toddler shakes her head disapprovingly, ‘Every time, Daddy.’ Clearly, that particular sarcastic phrase has been over-used by the adults of the house. You have to hand it to The Toddler: she may have misinterpreted the appropriate context, but she absolutely nailed the appropriate tone.

7. On The Baby, shouldering the blame
The Toddler and The Baby are both misbehaving in the bathroom. The Toddler is attempting to wash the toilet with the hand soap. The Baby is attempting to make a break for it with her bottom out. Silly Mummy says, ‘You’re both naughty pickles.’
The Toddler nods wisely and says, ‘Yes, The Baby, you’re a naughty pickle.’

8. On drunkenness
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in M&S, walking through the menswear department. The Toddler starts yelling, ‘Drunken! Drunken, Mummy!’ Well, that’s not good. (Particularly unfair, too, as Silly Mummy in fact doesn’t drink at all.) The Toddler is not to be dissuaded: ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Silly Mummy glances around, thinking maybe The Toddler means something else that just sounds like ‘drunken’. Nothing that sounds remotely like ‘drunken’ is identified. The Toddler continues to shout about ‘drunken’ until distracted by the lift: ‘Ooh up, down!’ (If you are wondering, Silly Mummy has no idea why The Toddler always seems to pick M&S for these incidents. (http://risforhoppit.uk/bin/) We don’t even go to M&S a lot.) The drunken episode is a mystery. It has been forgotten by two days later, when one of The Toddler’s DVDs of songs reaches ‘What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor’, and The toddler yells, ‘Drunken! Drunken!’ Oh, right. She was singing. Obviously. Silly Mummy. Now that Silly Mummy comes to think of it, why is ‘Drunken Sailor’ on a DVD of songs for young children, anyway? Do they not realise that small children believe singing means shouting random words from songs? Do they not realise people have to go out in public with their children?

9. On The Baby, offering encouragement to
The Baby pulls herself up on her little walker and sets off across the room. The Toddler, with no prompting, calls, ‘Oh wowee, The Baby! Oh wowee!’

10. On Mummy, telling her what
The Toddler has mastered the art of anticipation. Accidentally. She announces, ‘I’ll tell you what, Mummy.’ Silly Mummy is intrigued. What is this information The Toddler is about to impart? No, really, what is it? Hello? The Toddler is gone. She is unaware that the phrase ‘I’ll tell you what’ is intended to pre-empt, well, telling someone something. After some initial confusion as to where she picked up this latest toddler-ism, Silly Mummy can confirm that it has been conclusively traced to Justin’s House. Silly Mummy can only assume that Justin Fletcher does proceed to tell the audience something, but The Toddler is probably searching for imaginary jam by that point. (http://risforhoppit.uk/jam/)

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

The Dad NetworkMami 2 FiveLittle Hearts, Big LoveFriday Frolics


  1. Talya says:

    LOL toddlers say the funniest things! My one has just started to come into this utter nonsense phase and I try my best to be earnest about it but really I want to wet my pants laughing! #wineandboobs

  2. Ha ha I love the ‘drunken mummy’ one! They love to drop you in it don’t they lol. My son for a little while kept shouting ‘No Mummy, don’t hurt me’ when I wasn’t even standing near him.

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Oh no! My sister used to shout stuff like that! They’re terrible. Mine has had some pretty bad mispronounced words as well that I had to hope she wouldn’t yell in public! Thanks for reading!

  3. Alice says:

    Laughing my way through this post, as usual.
    I tell you what, that reminds me of my son’s misuse of the phrase “What on Earth are you doing?” when no one is doing anything at all remarkable. He just thinks it’s a thing people say, like “What are you up to?” 😀

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Thank you! His way is much better – it’s nice to add some drama and excitement to the day! Ironically, ‘what on earth are you doing?’ is the perfect phrase for when someone, say, sleeps with their head in a toy basket! 😉

  4. My two year old daughter comes out with the best one liners. I think when you’re tearing your hair out it’s their way of reminding you why you love them so much. Very funny! x

  5. I absolutely love this. It is the funniest post I have read in ages! I guffawed particularly loudly at the Sarah and duck side comments. But actually I laughed throughout!

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Thank you so much! Sarah & Duck is a big concern of mine! Riding on buses (underwater, no less!), consorting with flamingoes – it’s just not right!

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Wowee is great – love how they often use it for the smallest of things too! Desperately trying to teach her more of that song – she is still insistent on just yelling ‘drunken’ at me! Thanks for hosting!

  6. Soo funny! I particularly like shut up…not sure why. And Sarah and Duck…weird. I saw it for the first time the other day. Flamingo and John met Sarah and Duck in a stair shop. Obviously. Oh and the ‘random-word-singing’ appropriated by toddlers. What is with that…? Do NOT introduce The Toddler to ‘Ride a Cock Horse’.

  7. Love this list of things that your Toddler has said – I could just hear the tone of voice on “every time, Daddy!” and repeating “drunken!” in M&S and referring to armpit cam made me chuckle. Loved the conversation to Grandma on the toy remote and “oh wowee The Baby” was just adorable. The things little ones say are so wonderful. I host a linky each week that’s all about sharing the things that kids say and it would be lovely to have you join in if you would like to – http://littleheartsbiglove.co.uk/2015/06/15/from-the-mouths-of-babes-24/

  8. Kimmie says:

    So funny, as always!

    I’m reminded of when my eldest was a toddler… he followed me everywhere, including the loo, and (inevitably) he asked me one day (pointing to my nether region) “what’s that”……. well, put on the spot as i was I said the first thing that came to mind and told him it was my daisy.

    A few weeks later he had picked some daisies on the way to the post office, and stashed them in the hood & apron of the baby’s buggy, whilst we were queuing, in the very busy post office he said (loudly)… “You have daisies in your knickers don’t you Mummy” … o_O

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Oh no! How embarrassing! Mine likes to pick daisies too so I will be sure not to use ‘daisy’ as a euphemism for anything embarrassing or I’ll probably get something similar yelled at me! 😉 Thanks for reading!

  9. Mummy Fever says:

    So funny. My toddler insists I start his apple every time. Each time I seem to have to have more bites of the apple. This morning I have eaten a whole apple. Now he is cross and wants another apple so we have to start again! #bigfatlinky

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Haha – weird how they develop these funny habits! Mine rarely agrees to let anyone eat any of her food but, when she does, she goes to the other extreme & will try to give you all of it! Thank you for reading.

  10. Kelly says:

    Drunken??!! Hahaha! That’s gold. Kids says the weirdest and funniest things. My kid used to use the remote as his phone too. #brilliantblogposts

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Kids do say the funniest things. Remote as phone is obviously the done thing in Toddlerland! Thanks for reading.

  11. Jenny says:

    Oh toddlers really do say the funniest things don’t they? I used to run a series (yes twice in row is a series mine may have made 20 posts lol) called funny phrases and man the things B said when he was starting to talk and MM is just about to start talking and I will be doing it again. It’s highly entertaining what they get wrong isn’t it? lol Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Yes, it’s so funny. I’m sure I’ll end up with a series for The Baby when she starts talking too. Will look forward to hearing what MM comes out with! Thanks for hosting #sharewithme

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Thank you and thanks for reading! Yes, I was very amused when she did that – made me forget all about being refused a kiss!

  12. How did you not understand the singing of “drunken” goodness, silly mummy! My little one started shouting that Mummy needed a wee in the supermarket… I didn’t.. that was also quite embarrassing! #Mummymonday

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Haha – they do get some random ideas! I can imagine mine shouting something like that when she’s a bit older! Thanks for reading!

    • Silly Mummy says:

      I’m sure one of the shop assistants was considering whether he should call someone about the ‘drunken mummy’! Thanks for reading!

  13. Phili says:

    I LOVE THIS AGE! It’s nestled so nicely in between when they are barely comprehensible and when they start to give you attitude 😉 #MBPW

    • Silly Mummy says:

      Haha! I have a plan though – I will keep blogging the attitude! A written record of the attitude! Thanks for reading.

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