A Toddler’s Personal Statement

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With my Masters applications suddenly in full swing and personal statement drafts here, there and everywhere, I started wondering (as you do) what it would be like if SB wrote a personal statement. I used to be one of The Student Room’s Personal Statement helpers (ahem, NERD ALERT) so fingers crossed, she’d get into any of the top Russell Group nurseries with this killer statement. (Are RG nurseries a thing? Please tell me they aren’t…).

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MY PERSONAL STATEMENT by SB, aged nineteen months

It has been said that the smallest feet make the biggest footprints in our hearts. I, for one, have absolutely tiny feet, and I intend to make a huge footprint on the world.

I have wanted to be a toddler for as long as I can remember – indeed, since I entered this world nineteen months ago, it has been my dream to one day walk in the footsteps of such greats as Albert Einstein, Marie Curie and Mr Tumble. I feel I have made a good start – for I am a toddler, and they were all toddlers at some point too.

In terms of experience, I have nineteen months of experience of pooping, and have produced a variety in my time. I feel that this length of experience has considerably enhanced my skills to a point where soon, I will no longer insist on sticking my hands in every single one I produce – but for now, I am still learning.

I am also a highly skilled eater – one of the most highly skilled eaters I know of, actually. You see, not only do I eat normal foodstuffs like Babybels, fromage frais and cake – I am also a skilled consumer of crayon, fluff and – on occasion – the aforementioned poop. I feel this wide palate has prepared me adequately for childhood.

Toddlerhood has improved my acting skills threefold; I have mastered the ‘happy face’, ‘sad face’ and ‘surprised face’, and can perform these on demand. I am currently working on ‘angry face’, ‘sucked-a-lemon face’ and ‘shocked face’, but I predict that these will be mastered in no time if I am successful in my application. My tutors (they call themselves Mama and Dada, but I know them as The Incubator and The One Who Stops Me Pulling The TV On Top Of Myself) are very pleased with my progress, and practically wet themselves in delight every time I master a new face, which should go some way to highlight how advanced my skills are.

Other examples of relevant skills include preferring the box to whatever expensive present “Mama” and “Dada” have bought for me, yelling “MINE!” whenever I see them holding something and spinning around in circles until I fall onto my bottom. I have excellent tracking skills, and can sniff out the dirtiest, smelliest, stickiest objects a mile away so that I can put my hands on them, and I have recently learned to identify the sounds of: a) a Babybel wrapper being opened; b) a banana being peeled and c) “Mama” or “Dada” eating something. Using classical conditioning, I have trained myself to scream until they hand the Babybel/banana/whatever they are eating to me, and I have trained them to hold cushions over their faces or run into different rooms to eat something. They think that I don’t see, but I’m well aware of what they’re doing, and it’s rather hilarious.

My future ambitions include fooling my parents into thinking I am potty trained, so that they will let me run around the house without my nappy on and hone my skills in poo-hiding, widening my palate by eating more objects like paperclips and small toys, and lulling my parents into a false sense of security so they provide me with a brother or sister to train up as a minion/partner in crime.

As you can see, I am more than qualified for a place in your hallowed institution of toddlerhood, and I hope my application is successful. Rest assured, if it is not, I will throw a public tantrum and embarrass you into giving me my way. It has always worked so far.

—

As a quick note, if you’ve come to this post looking for personal statement advice, please seek it elsewhere. Writing this made me SB go against every guideline and rule in the book (Don’t begin your statement with a quote, don’t use words like “passionate”, don’t say “ever since I was a child/for as long as I can remember I have wanted to _______”, don’t appeal directly to the person reading the statement, don’t boast about your pooping skills etc) and if she was applying to a real university with this statement, I wouldn’t rate her chances of getting in too highly (I will, however, be writing a post on personal statement tips in the next few months).

But there we go. Handily, this personal statement also serves as a nineteen month update for SB, because it pretty much sums up everything we’ve experienced with her recently. Crossing my fingers that she will get out of the “I MUST TOUCH THE CONTENTS OF MY NAPPY” stage soon… I won’t be missing that phase one bit.

What would your little one include in their personal statement? Let me know in the comments!

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A Degree Is No Guarantee…

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… that I will be anything even remotely resembling a good example for my daughter.

It’s not much use looking at Daf either. He’s just as bad as me… possibly worse.

ten reasons1. We very rarely watch Cbeebies, or any other kids’ programme. With the exception of In The Night Garden, SB just isn’t interested. The only one she really likes is Paw Patrol, which we watch on Netflix. Instead, SB is being raised on our favourite YouTubers – the likes of the Yogscast, Hat Films and various family vloggers!

2. Manners aren’t our forte. Sure, we say “please” and “thank you” and all the required social niceties, but – well, we have burping contests, for goodness’ sake. We give SB’s burps ratings (she’s managed a couple of sevens, which is good for a toddler of her stature).

3. We don’t have a dining table. We are going to get her a little toddler table and chair so she can sit and eat her dinner, but right now, we all eat dinner together. On the sofa.

4. She says “Bugger”. Considering how much we swear (including accidentally swearing around her), it’s a miracle that her first cuss word wasn’t a whole lot worse.

5. The first time she picked her nose, I was too busy laughing to tell her off.

6. We made this video, which just serves to highlight the fact that we are not mature enough to be responsible for a child.

7. You know those “All Daddy Wanted Was A Blowjob” baby vests that everyone goes into a frothing rage about because they’re so vulgar and crude and unsuitable for precious little angels? Not only did I laugh myself stupid at it, I really strongly considered buying one.

8. Today, while we were shopping, Daf and I used the trolley to glide down the aisles (well, he was gliding. I was more reminiscent of that meme of the polar bear dragging itself across the ice*). Thankfully, we did not kill anybody.

9. SB has a little toy Mario figure, complete with a moving arm. The movement of said arm is somewhat reminiscent of a certain self-pleasure-y motion. Far from being shocked and appalled and contacting the Daily Mail to come and take our ‘sadface’ pictures (a la the saga of the anal pyjamas**), we found it absolutely hilarious. So does my mom, which goes to show that just as we aren’t mature enough to be parents, she isn’t mature enough to be a grandparent.

10. One of the godparents we so lovingly selected for SB based on their qualities of trustworthiness, responsibility and all-around loveliness has told us of his plans to take her to Canal Street and Brighton as soon as possible, to “introduce her to the gay scene”. In return, we have taught her to say his name as “Uncle Gay Jay”. We’re just doing our bit to ensure she grows up accepting of everybody. (Plus, hearing her call him “Gaja” is adorable).

So there you have it. Despite having a degree and being, to all intents and purposes, all-around good eggs (well – at least we appear that way, to people who’ve never met us), I present ten pieces of evidence to the contrary. Somehow, despite all of this, we’re still doing a pretty good job raising our baby.

So if you’re feeling a little imperfect, or you’re pregnant and worrying that you’re not mature enough yet because you still giggle at anything incorporating the number ’69’ <I am glaring very hard at Daf right now>, don’t worry. You may not end up with the most conventional parenting style – but you’ll have a shit ton of fun.

*  This meme. 

** Yes, I did have to Google ‘Anal Pyjamas’ to find that news story. Yes, it was a terrifying wait for those results to load up, and no, I didn’t dare look at the Image results.

*** Isn’t that picture in the title just THE most attractive example of a couple you’ve ever seen? Wow.

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The First Born Tag!

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I was tagged by the lovely mumisthewordblog on Twitter to take this adorable little quiz/survey/thingimajig all about my first (and so far, only)-born! I wouldn’t have the first clue who to tag on Twitter to do this, but if you like the idea of it, post the quiz on your blog and tweet me the link @maddyleigh1994 and I’ll re-tweet it! Also be sure to head on over and follow @mumisthewordblg on Twitter too!

All about your first born!👣

1. Was your first pregnancy planned?  I think to say it was a surprise is putting it lightly! It most certainly was not planned!

2. Were you married? Nope – Daf and I had been together for two and a half years when I found out I was pregnant!

3. What was your reaction to finding out? Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. What am I going to do? Oh shit.  

4. Were you induced? Yep. One thing I will say is that it’s not always as horrific as people make out, and don’t assume you’ll automatically need an epidural! 

5. How old were you? I was but a whippersnapper, all of nineteen years old… 

6. Who did you first tell?  Daf, when I called through the toilet door to ask “What does it mean if there’s a cross on it?” (referring to the plus sign on the stick I’d just peed on). 

7. How did you find out?  I thought I had a UTI. Did a pregnancy test just to rule it out so I wouldn’t have the doctors shouting “IS THERE A CHANCE YOU MIGHT BE PREGNANT?” across the entire doctors surgery as they were known to do. Bish bash bosh I was six weeks pregnant. Yep, I ignored that first missed period. As you do.   

8. Did you want to find out the sex? We wanted to initially, and then when SB had her legs crossed like a demure little lady (pfft) at the scan, we decided to keep it a surprise for when she was born. I’m really glad we did; it was an amazing moment when Daf found out before me and was able to tell me we’d had a daughter! 

9. Due Date?  April 28th 2014

10. Did you deliver early or late? I was induced three weeks early due to the beginnings of pre-eclampsia.

11. Did you have morning sickness? Ugh. Yes. All day, every day until sixteen weeks. Sorry again to the bloke in the ALDI car park who stepped out of his fancy BMW and straight into a puddle of sick. Soz.  

12. What did you crave? Not sure if I ever mentioned it to anyone (HA HA) but McDonalds chicken nuggets. Thank goodness we had a 24 hour McDonalds five minutes away. Daf made SO many 3am trips there to get me nuggets. No other nuggets would do. 

13. How many pounds did you gain from your pregnancy? Despite all the nuggets, I only gained 5 kilos. I’m too lazy to convert that into pounds.  

14. What was the sex of the baby? A girl!

15. Did you have any complications during labor? Aside from being a 3-day-long induced labour, it was actually amazing – I was able to stay active the whole way through, didn’t need an epidural and had some bloody fantastic hallucinations on gas & air. Oh and there was the whole tear that needed two hours of stitching with local anaesthetic that didn’t work properly, but I had SB in my arms by that point, nothing else mattered! 

16. Where did you give birth? At my local hospital.

17. How many hours were you in labor? From the first contraction after the first induction pessary went in, I was in labour for a total of sixty five hours. Of which two hours 45 minutes was counted as actual ‘active’ labour, and nine minutes were pushing. She took her time but once she was ready to come out she didn’t hang around! 

18. How much did your baby weight ? 7lbs 3oz 

19. What did you name him/her? Her name is Celyn, but we call her SB on the blog.  

20. How old is your first born today? Today she is exactly nineteen months old!

Aww I loved doing that! I don’t miss being pregnant, but that did make me all misty eyed for the nice bits (and then I re-read my answer to the morning sickness question and my head just kind of went NOPE nope NOPE nope N0P3 nOPe nope NOPE.

Thanks for the tag, mumisthewordblog! Don’t forget, if any of you do the tag, tweet the link to me and I’ll RT!

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The Daddy Diaries #6: Reflections on Fatherhood

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So here we are, at the penultimate week of ‘The Daddy Diaries’! Daf and I have loved making this series together, getting to see student parenting and young parenthood from the father’s perspective, and I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it so far! Today, Daf is reflecting on fatherhood, and how it’s changed him as a person…

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What is the most important lesson that fatherhood has taught you?

It’s hard to say. Everything has changed, and nothing is what I expected it to be. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to never be fooled into thinking that I’ve got all the answers, because I definitely haven’t.

Do you think you have changed as a person since becoming a father? 

Yes. I think I appear more confident than before, because I don’t want SB to feel the way I felt growing up. I’m starting to learn to say ‘no’ to people, and to stop always trying to be the people-pleaser. That’s something my dad taught me – always put your family first.

How would you have described yourself before SB came along? 

Nerdy introvert, very awkward, practically non-existent self esteem. I always wanted to please people. I wanted a family and I wanted to do well in life, but I never believed I’d actually manage it.

Has that changed now? 

My self esteem is still pretty low, but I have an amazing family. As for succeeding, I now know that I want to become a teacher. It isn’t so much that my confidence has improved so I feel like I can do it – it’s more that now, failure isn’t an option. I have to make it, for SB’s sake, so I am more determined to get there and not let anything stand in my way.

Has becoming a father affected your friendships?

It’s made me realise that if people are true friends, they’ll accept me with a family just as easily as they accepted me without a family. Being a dad has definitely shown me who my real friends are.

Do you feel like a stronger person for your experiences?

I do. Just having SB makes me want to be the best dad I can be. I don’t feel as nervous when I’m looking after her, and I have much more confidence in my abilities.

Are you the father you imagined you would be? 

I’m not sure. I always wanted to be a dad, but I never really imagined all the responsibilities that come as part of it, or how I’d deal with them. I am happy with the dad I am, though. SB is happy, healthy, warm and clean, she has what she needs and knows that she is loved. That’s the important thing.

Has fatherhood changed your outlook and opinion on life altogether? 

I like to think I’m more positive about everything now. One thing is for sure; SB makes me see the world in a much brighter light.

So that’s part six of The Daddy Diaries. Next week we’ll have the seventh and final edition, where Daf will be talking all about what the future holds for us as a family, and for him as a father. Don’t miss it!