I want more sex than my husband: Rowan Pelling advises a reader on a sexual issue

  • Rowan Pelling is a sex columnist who advises readers on their dilemmas
  • This reader's husband has a low sex drive and she finds it frustrating
  • Rowan advises patience and setting a realistic target for lovemaking 

By Rowan Pelling for the Daily Mail

Published: 19:59 EST, 22 November 2015 | Updated: 03:01 EST, 23 November 2015

QUESTION: I love my husband, but his sex drive has never equalled mine. We celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary next month, and the difference in our needs has become ever more marked. In an ideal world, I’d make love most days, but I’m lucky if we do it once a month. Is there any way I can resolve this without having an affair?

ANSWER: There’s no doubt some people seem hardwired to express far more interest in sex than others. Meanwhile, there are numerous contented beings on this planet who are not that focused on sex - and some who opt out altogether.

Then there are more complex individuals, whose sexuality was curtailed at an early age by the sort of upbringing or schooling (or, indeed, abuse) that marries shame and guilt to freedom of sexual expression.

Rowan advises setting a realistic target for lovemaking, such as two or three times a month

Rowan advises setting a realistic target for lovemaking, such as two or three times a month

Do you have any notion what camp your husband falls into? If you guess - or know - your spouse’s sexual emotions were suppressed during adolescence, then the first step in tackling the problem is to get him to acknowledge that repression.

If he won’t open up to you, I’d advise he sees a therapist. Or you could go together.

If, however, your husband is not that tuned in to sex, it will be hard to make big changes. Even so, it’s possible to arrive at a compromise. He may not crave sex, but I’m sure he won’t want to jeopardise the closeness you enjoy as a couple.

If you both set a realistic target - such as making love two or three times a month - he may well be able to up his game.

What worries me is your idealised scenario of daily sex, as it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to change their entire nature in mid-life.

Good sex is about spontaneity, not duty. And a man who burns at a low sexual flame needs to be persuaded into intimacy, not hectored.

Comments (52)

Share what you think

 View all

The comments below have not been moderated.

 View all

The views expressed in the contents above are those of our users and do not necessarily reflect the views of MailOnline.

Add your comment

By posting your comment you agree to our house rules.

Who is this week's top commenter? Find out now