Your problems answered


I forgave her affair to save our marriage
Over the past couple of years my wife and I argued a lot more, and our daughters of 16 and 18 heard it all the time. There had been no intimacy for seven years. When I found out that she was having an affair with her ex-boss I hated her. She had ended the affair a month before I discovered it. We have been together since she was 17 and she is truly remorseful. I realised that I still love her. I didn’t want to split up the family and now we are closer than ever – we hug all the time and talk a lot more. Our daughters have noticed how much nicer it is at home. When I am on my own I sometimes break down with the thought of what they did. But our relationship is now like it was ten years ago, and if I hadn’t discovered the affair, we might both have still been miserable. Please reassure me that I have done the right thing.
It sounds as though you had a loving marriage but over recent years you had drifted apart emotionally and sexually. Infidelity is frequently a symptom that all is not well. Your wife’s affair has brought this into sharp focus and of course it’s devastating, but it has also made you both realise that things between you were not right. What is good is that you both want this marriage. I am not for one moment suggesting that an affair is a good way to discover this but it has made you really start to talk. It is possible to forgive in time even if you can’t forget. Your wife sounds truly sorry and, remember, she ended the affair before you found out, which shows a commitment to you and the marriage and, I hope, to restarting your sex life.

Did my father leave a will?
Following a dispute over my sister’s death in 2000, my father said he would never speak to or acknowledge me again – and he didn’t. Immediately after his death my niece flew back from abroad, and at the funeral I asked her if he had made a will, as some years ago he said he had. She stated that he hadn’t. I was given a few of his possessions but was forbidden from entering his home. I suspect that my niece has got his estate, but she won’t answer my questions. I need to know.
It is incredibly hurtful that your question is being met with a brick wall. As your father told you that he had made a will, I suspect that your niece is lying. He might not have left you anything but understandably you want to know the truth. To find out if he made a will, and if anyone has applied to
deal with your father’s affairs since his death, you can do a search via the Probate Registry (find your nearest office at You could get a copy of his will if there is one; there is a fee. Most children have the right to contest a will. For specialist advice contact the find a solicitor service, tel: 0808 1497 360,

I don’t like her wedding plans
My 25-year-old daughter is getting married this year, which I am looking forward to, but she is refusing to have any speeches. I have never been to a wedding without speeches, and I think her fiancé’s family will want speeches as I do, but she finds them embarrassing and silly. I fear that if I object she will say that if I don’t like it then I shouldn’t go to the wedding. Her fiancé is relaxed about making a speech. Surely the day belongs to both of them?
Sometimes the reason mothers and daughters fall out over wedding plans is because the bride’s mother tries to impose her wishes rather than listen
to what her daughter wants. It sounds as if your relationship with your daughter is a little fragile, so you do need to tread quite carefully. I suggest both families get together to discuss wedding plans. You could gently say that you would like to have speeches, but in the end it has to be the bride and groom’s decision. The father of the bride might be tempted to give a short and fun impromptu speech on the day. 

Contact Zelda
If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email
Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

A love like ours: Joe and Monica Wahla are dreamers with a shared vision

Joe and Monica Wahla

Joe and Monica Wahla

Joe, 45, says People say I adore Monica so much I do everything for her and it’s true I am very attentive, but
I also think she would do anything for me. We met
20 years ago when she worked as an intern at Topman.
I was in merchandising. My first impression was that she was beautiful, amazing, always laughing, full of energy, and incredibly attractive.
She comes from a big, loud, half-Irish, half-Indian family and makes everything exciting. But what most endears her to me is that she’s genuine and caring, with absolutely no malice. One of the most tender moments was early on in Battersea Park when I told her about my mother dying when I was six. Monica cried, and I felt such a bond.
We run an online fashion boutique, and at work we’re on the same wavelength but we have different personalities – she is loud and talks all the time, and I like to get on with things. Our business is an expression of what we want to do with our lives, but the glue that holds us together is our shared values: we’re both cosmopolitan, idealistic, optimistic dreamers, always thinking about how great things can be and wanting things to happen.
Monica, 41, says I’d gone to a girls’ school, then fashion college which was full of gay men, so to work at Topman with this big social scene and all these men was great. Joe was unusual and edgy looking, with thick long hair and bright green eyes. I remember we went to see Betty Blue, and were so embarrassed at that passionate opening sex scene we burst out laughing and couldn’t stop – it’s still one of our favourite films.
I’m a lot louder than Joe. He is thoughtful, into foreign films, travel and reading. People ask, ‘How can you work with your husband?’, but we share a vision. We’re both control freaks and we do argue: I need to talk a lot about what’s on my mind, whereas he can park an issue for later, which is infuriating. We have two sons – Milo, seven, and Rocco, five – but I don’t think we’ve changed much. The best thing is going somewhere like Paris or Copenhagen for fashion week – it’s work but I love it, finding cool new labels, going out for dinner, travelling together. If I want to go somewhere, I always want to go with Joe.

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