From The Ten Funniest Things Feature

Excuse Me, Sir: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time (well, not time – it’s late, because last week’s was late and it has spiraled) for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

So, late for a very important date, here is The Toddler:

1. On how to wake sleeping princesses
It appears The Toddler has some funny ideas about how exactly the princes traditionally wake sleeping princesses in fairytales. She is watching Snow White. The prince is about to save Snow White: ‘She’s going to wake up. Now he’s here. He’s going to take his outfit off.’ (Silly Mummy, who does largely try to avoid actually watching Disney films, has a quick look to make sure The Toddler is not watching some kind of adult version. She is not. The prince is not taking his outfit off.)

2. On The Baby, Grandfathering
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. Silly Mummy is not sure what they are playing, but The Toddler appears to have cast The Baby in a somewhat unexpected role. She is following The Baby around the room calling: ‘Come here, Grandfather. Be careful, Grandfather. Grandfather!’ Silly Mummy is fairly sure The Baby has no idea how or why she came to be ‘Grandfather’, but she seems to be willing to accept being addressed as such. As long, that is, as The Toddler accepts that ‘Grandfather’ will be going about her business as previously scheduled, because The Baby is unsure what being a grandfather actually entails.

3. On veins, needy
The Toddler has an attention seeking circulatory system. It’s the only explanation for following Silly Mummy around demanding, ‘Mummy, look at my veins! Look at my veins!’

4. On Silly Mummy, not currently required
The Toddler has decided that Silly Mummy is currently dismissed. The Toddler will inform Silly Mummy when her presence is required again. She marches over: ‘You go back to bed. I’ll come back to you.’

5. On looking for her umbrella
The Toddler has pulled out one of the boxes from the storage unit, and now has her head in the hole: ‘I’m just looking for something. Just looking for my umbrella.’ She doesn’t have an umbrella. ‘Nope not here. It’s not even here.’ It would have been a little surprising if it was.

6. On being lost
The Toddler is lost. In the living room. In her house. ‘I don’t know where I are. I need to go home. I’ll be back in a minute. I do it on tiptoes.’ Those are excellent navigational tips, ladies and gentlemen. If ever you get lost at home, simply go home. On tiptoes.

7. On tables, missing
Silly Mummy is making something crafty. The Toddler decides she will make something too: ‘I get scissors!’ She runs off and returns with imaginary scissors. ‘Paper!’ She runs out again, appearing seconds later with her imaginary paper. She’s off again: ‘And glue!’ She returns, but is beginning to realise just how big an undertaking this imaginary crafting is: ‘Oh dear, I haven’t got a table either!’ Always annoying when you collect your imaginary supplies together only to realise you have no imaginary table to put them on. Amusingly, she was standing right next to a real table.

8. On hitting rhinos
The Toddler is energetically beating a stuffed rhino with her broomstick. Silly Mummy is confused. Is there a reasonable explanation?
‘Um, The Toddler…’
The Toddler has an explanation. It’s reasonableness remains questionable. ‘I’m just hitting rhino cos he been naughty.’
The Toddler continues with her punishment of the rhino: ‘Get away! Get away!’
Silly Mummy believes the rhino would love to get away. If the toddler would just stop hitting him with a broomstick for a second. Rhinos are endangered, you know, The Toddler. Oh, and also: we don’t hit because of alleged naughtiness. This should be added, as The Baby is starting to look nervous.

9. On Disney films, all blending into one
The Toddler wants to watch either Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast, but it is not very clear which one: ‘Can we watch Sleeping in the Beast? I want to watch Sleeping in the Beast!’ She subsequently decides this is not quite right and amends it slightly: ‘I like to watch Sleepy and the Beast!’ Ah, yes, a touching story of love against the odds between a tired dwarf and a cursed prince.

10. On Mummy Sir
The Toddler is on the other side of a child safety gate to Silly Mummy. She would like to be on the same side as Silly Mummy. Apparently, she is also Oliver Twist: ‘Excuse me, Sir, can I get in?’ Silly Mummy has no idea where this came from, but could get used to it. Yes, Sir, Mummy Sir.

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 27: In My Opinion

In My Opinion: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

A bit late this week (due to Silly Mummy – The Toddler didn’t shockingly decide she was having a quiet week), it is time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. We have accidental bottom inspections, a bit of Christmas, and The Toddler is offering her opinion.

Without further ado, The Toddler:

1. On the contents of her nose
Silly Mummy goes to get The Toddler out of the car. The Toddler has something in her hand. She holds it out: ‘Can you take this?’ Silly Mummy trustingly puts out her own hand, and The Toddler places something sticky in it: ‘I think it’s from my nose.’

2. On Father Christmas’ biscuits, eating them
Silly Mummy is explaining to The Toddler that, on Christmas Eve, she should put out milk and biscuits for Father Christmas. Part of this gets The Toddler’s attention: ‘Ooh biccies! I’d like to eat them.’
Silly Mummy perseveres: ‘You can’t eat them – they’re for Father Christmas.’
The Toddler also perseveres: ‘I think I’ll just have a little bit, then.’
Silly Mummy stands firm: ‘They’re not for you. They’re for Father Christmas.’
The Toddler compromises: ‘Okay, I think I’ll just have Mummy’s choccies.’
Hmm…you’d like to eat Father Christmas’ biscuits, you say?

3. On Dave
We have seen the return of randomly calling people ‘Dave‘ this week, during a visit by a BT engineer. Said engineer goes upstairs to check some cable. The Toddler is concerned about this sudden departure: ‘Where’s Dave gone?’ As far as Silly Mummy is aware, he isn’t called Dave. At least, he wasn’t when he entered the house.

4. On Christmas, not being ready
The Toddler comes downstairs in the morning to discover Silly Mummy has put up the Christmas decorations: ‘What have you make? It’s christmas! What have you make? You made Christmas! I’m not ready!’ She does not clarify in what way she feels unready. Perhaps she hoped to meet the decorations dressed as a reindeer.

5. On being impressed
The Toddler has come over all Masterchef this week. Silly Mummy hands her a snack: ‘I like this one. I’m very impressed.’

6. On her church building work
The Toddler is travelling in the car. She points out of the window and announces: ‘Look at that big mountain!’
Silly Mummy looks: ‘That’s a church. It’s not a mountain. It’s a big building. It’s very tall, isn’t it?’
Always one to take credit where it isn’t due, The Toddler agrees: ‘Yes, I think I made it taller.’

7. On people being wrong about her
Silly Mummy is mildly chastising The Toddler for a bit of naughty behaviour. The Toddler is not standing for it: ‘You’re wrong about me!’

8. On being shy
The Toddler is meeting Father Christmas soon. The Toddler likes to meet people. The Baby does not. The Toddler considers that this might be an issue: ‘I think The Baby might be a bit shy.’
Silly Mummy agrees: ‘I think she might. Can you say hello to Father Christmas for her? Can you tell him her name?’
The Toddler has sudden concerns about this course of action: ‘I think I might be a bit shy.’
Silly Mummy snorts: ‘I don’t think you’re a bit shy!’
The Toddler disagrees: ‘I think I are a bit shy.’

9. On buttons, not to be confused with bottoms
The Toddler is in a dark corridor with ultraviolet lights at the aquarium. She is excited by everyone’s white items of clothing glowing. Grandma attempts to show her how the buttons on the front of Auntie’s coat are glowing: ‘Look at Auntie’s buttons, The Toddler.’
The Toddler inexplicably disappears around the back of Auntie, where she closely inspects Auntie’s backside: ‘Oh yes, there’s her bottom. It is her bottom.’ You may have misheard, The Toddler.

10. On muffins, in her opinion
Silly Mummy is eating a muffin. The Toddler asks to try a piece. She looks at the muffin and says, ‘I think it’s a cake.’ Silly Mummy agrees that muffins are like cakes. The Toddler eats a bit and revises her original comment: ‘Well, in my opinion, it’s not a cake.’ This may well be the greatest thing she has ever said (in my opinion).

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 26: Be Quiet

Be Quiet: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s the Ten Funniest Things feature. The Toddler would like to remind everyone to BE QUIET as other people can hear you. Here she is:

1. On being quiet
Everyone is being quiet. This includes The Toddler, who wishes it to be known that she is participating in the being quiet. Into the, well, quiet, The Toddler hollers: ‘I’M BEING QUIET!’

2. On the carpet, sorry about that
The Toddler has found a small mark on the carpet: ‘What’s that?’
Silly Mummy has a look and identifies it is one of the areas where a fleck of space putty has remained welded to the carpet following the discovery that it is ill advised to allow toddlers to play with space putty, even if they did go to the trouble of fishing it out of cupboards they are not allowed in. Silly Mummy answers The Toddler: ‘I think that’s from when we had the space putty.’
The Toddler considers this information: ‘Oh, yes…Sorry about that.’

3. On suspicious bedtime sickness
The Toddler is in bed waiting for Silly Daddy to read her a book. The Baby is getting ready for her bed with Silly Mummy. The Toddler’s voice pipes up from her bedroom: ‘Excuse me! I’m very sick. Excuse me! I’m very sick. Can you come and see me?’
Silly Mummy is a little bit suspicious of The Toddler, who sounds in good spirits and was perfectly well when Silly Mummy left two minutes before. Silly Mummy calls: ‘Daddy’s coming.’
The Toddler’s voice answers: ‘Can you tell him I’m very ill?’ Ten seconds later The Toddler adds an update on her condition: ‘I’m not feeling better. Can I get some medicine?’

4. On porridge, foggy
The Toddler has decided to take responsibility for providing The Baby’s imaginary meals: ‘I’m going to give The Baby her porridge, but I think it’s a bit foggy. I put it back in the porridge pan.’ (Three attempts at clarification by Silly Mummy confirm that The Toddler really is trying to say the porridge is foggy, but not what foggy porridge might be. Perhaps it is a problem only imaginary porridge has.)

5. On Silly Mummy, very tired
Silly Mummy is saying goodnight to The Toddler, who asks: ‘Do you want to come and sleep with me?’
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler that she has jobs to do and cannot stay with The Toddler. The Toddler tries a new tack: ‘You do want to sleep with me because you’re very tired.’

6. On Silly Daddy, what he says about that
The Toddler would like to hear Silly Daddy’s opinion on her latest wittering: ‘What do you say about that, Daddy?’

7. On oat bars and good work
Silly Mummy is fetching The Toddler a snack. The Toddler is excited to find out what snack she might be receiving, and is apparently not disappointed to discover she is getting an oat (‘oap’) bar. As Silly Mummy approaches, she declares: ‘I think it might be an oap. Oh good work!’

8. On other people, able to hear us
During a visit by an engineer to the house to do some work, The Toddler makes a horrifying discovery. She breaks off mid talking nonsense to exclaim: ‘Oh no, other people can hear us!’ Of course, the fact that The Toddler had not previously realised that other people can hear her when she talks explains quite a lot…

9. On diagnosis, unsolicited
Doctor Toddler, in keeping with her long standing renegade streak, no longer even waits for her patients to report symptoms or ask for treatment. She marches up to Silly Mummy: ‘I don’t think you feel well anymore. Where’s my medicine?’

10. On not telling Silly Mummy again
The Toddler is taking a strict approach to dealing with Silly Mummy’s behaviour: ‘Mother, don’t ask me to tell you again! Ever again. Ever. Ever.’ (Silly Mummy thinks she means ‘don’t make me tell you again’.)

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 23: I Resent to You
Week 25: Bravo

Bravo: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time again, and Silly Mummy gives you the only witch in the village (The Toddler):

1. On praise, bravo
The Toddler has ‘lost’ a DVD (in other words, The Toddler and The Baby have been playing with a DVD and now it’s been dropped behind the sofa). Silly Mummy fishes it out. The Toddler is quite impressed: ‘You found it! Bravo! I’m very pleased with you, Mum!’

2. On dinner, not good
Silly Mummy is making dinner. The Toddler asks what it is, and Silly Mummy tells her. The Toddler responds: ‘Yuck!’
Silly Mummy informs her: ‘That’s a bit rude!’
The Toddler twists the knife in the back of Silly Mummy’s cooking: ‘No, it’s just not good.’

3. On Auntie, AKA ‘the other one’
The Toddler is meeting her new baby cousin (‘Cousin’). Silly Mummy is holding Cousin. Cousin’s mummy (‘Auntie’) is upstairs. The Toddler stands next to Silly Mummy and Cousin: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
This seems an odd question, but Silly Mummy answers: ‘Just here.’
The Toddler repeats: ‘Where’s baby Cousin?’
Silly Mummy is very confused now: ‘Here!’
The Toddler shakes her head: ‘No, where’s the other one? Think she’s upstairs?’ The other one? That would be The Toddler’s loving Auntie, then. It’s nice that The Toddler likes her new cousin, but she does seem to have instantly forgotten who Auntie is to make room for him.

4. On babies, not talking down to them
As for Cousin himself, well, The Toddler does not consider his being one week old any bar to their chances of making polite chitchat: ‘How is it going, Cousin? How are you doing, Cousin?’

5. On sword fighting
Silly Mummy is trying to do Peter Pan with The Toddler. Silly Mummy waves an imaginary sword and declares: ‘I’ll fight you with one hand behind my back! Walk the plank!’ The Toddler has a zero tolerance policy towards imaginary sword fighters. She grabs Silly Mummy’s imaginary sword with her bare hands and imaginary flings it: ‘I throw it away!’ Peter Pan never had this sort of trouble: Captain Hook knew the rules.

6. On investigating
The Toddler is off to play with some toys. She is trying to make this sound a more serious and complex endeavour than it is: ‘I have to go and investigate again.’

7. On being a witch, minimum dress requirements
The Toddler has piled all the sofa cushions on and around Silly Daddy. She announces: ‘I built a house.’
Silly Mummy wonders if this makes Silly Daddy the Wicked Witch of the East. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Is Daddy the wicked witch? Did a house fall on him?’
The Toddler immediately decides that Silly Daddy is trying to steal her witchy limelight: ‘I’m a witch!’ Unfortunately, it turns out that The Toddler was not expecting a challenge to her witch title at this time, and she is not properly dressed to defend her position: ‘I’m not a witch yet…I get my hat!’

8. On returning to her seat
The Toddler has been stroking Grandad’s dog and is now returning to her seat. However, this is such a dull way of putting it. The Toddler feels that her return to her chair warrants a much more enigmatic description: ‘I must go back to the beginning.’

9. On Granny, probably not in the curtains
The Toddler is searching for Granny. In the living room. While Granny is in the kitchen. ‘Where’s Granny? She must be somewhere.’ Very philosophical. The Toddler looks behind the curtains. Very reasonable – just because Granny has never lurked behind curtains up to this point, does not mean that she isn’t there now. She isn’t, however: ‘She’s not there. I think she might be cooking. Don’t think she’s in the curtains.* Can I go and find she?’

(*The Toddler is not one to definitively conclude that someone is not in the curtains based on nothing more than the fact that they are not in the curtains. She’s very open minded that way.)

 
10. On her favourite scary movie
The Toddler is rooting through the DVDs again, largely because she knows she is not meant to touch them. Mostly, she turns up with Nanny McPhee. This time she is waving Let the Right One In: ‘Can I watch this?’
Silly Mummy takes it away: ‘No, sweetheart, that one’s scary. You wouldn’t want to watch that. It’s for grown ups.’
The Toddler wants more information: ‘What is it?’
‘It’s about vampires. It’s scary.’
The Toddler nods wisely, and starts framing Silly Daddy for crimes he did not commit: ‘Oh yes, it is wampires. I did watch that last time with Daddy. Daddy did put it on. It was scary. I didn’t like it.’ Well, quite. Wampires are not to be taken lightly: they’re even worse than vampires.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 19: Clock
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner
Week 24: My Goodness

My Goodness: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

In this week’s edition of the Ten Funniest Things feature, we will be unimpressed by firework show offs, unconvinced by the shopping basket’s attempts to be a baseball kit, and wondering what on earth The Baby thinks is happening.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On shopping baskets, not good baseball kits
The Toddler is holding her toy shopping basket when suddenly she announces, ‘I don’t think it’s a baseball kit. Think it might be shopping basket.’ Silly Mummy thinks she may have a point, but was unaware the shopping basket had been suspected of being a baseball kit. A couple of minutes later The Toddler declares, ‘I’m not very well.’
Silly Mummy asks, ‘What’s the matter?’
The Toddler holds up her shopping basket: ‘This baseball kit’s not very good.’

2. On drawing, strange requests
The Toddler is doing some colouring. She requires Silly Mummy’s help: ‘Can you draw my trumps?’ A quick investigation reveals that there is a trumpet on The Toddler’s picture that she would like Silly Mummy to colour in. This is a relief, as Silly Mummy was not feeling equal to the task of trying to draw The Toddler’s trumps.

3. On bruises, wash off
Silly Mummy is inspecting a bruise that has been found on The Toddler’s foot. The Toddler is unconcerned: ‘Don’t worry about it. We’ll give it a wash.’

4. On long days
The Toddler leads a busy life, and sometimes she feels it: ‘It’s been a long day, hasn’t it? Long day after walk.’

5. On stickers
The Toddler is doing her sticker book, an activity that seems to be a source of a surprising level of wonder today: ‘My goodness! Look at those!’

6. On being a witch
The Toddler has put her (cylindrical) Lego storage container on her head. It falls right down over her face. Her little voice emanates from within, providing very matter of fact clarification of the situation: ‘So…I’m a witch.’

7. On Rapunzel
The Toddler is watching Tangled. Rapunzel is in a pickle, and The Toddler is wondering how she will ever get out of it. She very thoughtfully says, ‘What is she to do?’

8. On being a Bond villain
The Toddler is asking Silly Mummy for something, but Silly Mummy can’t hear her from the other room. Silly Mummy comes into the living room: ‘What were you asking for?’
Apparently, The Toddler has forgotten. She replies, ‘I don’t know. Let me see.’ Whilst stroking her face in her best Bond villain impersonation.

9. On fireworks, showing off
The Sillies are attending a firework display. The Toddler remains unsure how she feels about fireworks. In an effort to convince her, Silly Daddy points at one of the squiggly ones: ‘Isn’t that pretty?’
The Toddler feels that the fireworks are frankly showing off: ‘A bit much.’

10. On running without purpose*
The Toddler is repeatedly running from one end of the room to the other, for no apparent reason. The Baby is waddling about in her wake, trying to keep up. Silly Mummy asks, ‘Why are you running, The Toddler?’
The Toddler pants, ‘I don’t know!’ Well, of course not. Why would she?
Raising some questions about what exactly she thinks is going on, The Baby yells, ‘Where’s duck?’

(*Incidentally, this is The Toddler’s Native American name.)

 

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner
Week 23: I Resent to You

I Resent to You: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time once again. This week, we will be doing formal presentations, in keeping with The Toddler’s self appointed position in high society.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Lady The Toddler:

1. On thoughts, not knowing them
The Toddler is having trouble remembering the song she wants Silly Mummy to sing: ‘Can you sing…can you sing…can you sing…I don’t know thoughts!’ It is so annoying when you don’t know any thoughts, isn’t it? You know, when all the thoughts have just momentarily slipped your mind.

2. On resenting The Baby
The Toddler currently enjoys being presented to society. She requires Silly Mummy to announce: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…’ She will accept being presented in a number of ways: ‘the Lady The Toddler’, ‘the Right Honourable Pickle’, ‘Dame The Toddler’, ‘the Evil Queen’. In response to each, The Toddler giggles and gives an elaborate bow. She does not like to be introduced as ‘the naughty crocodile’. The Toddler also enjoys making announcements to present others (The Baby, mostly) to society. She often misses the ‘p’ off ‘present’, amusingly resulting in a lot of rather formal begrudging coming from The Toddler: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I resent to you The Baby!’

3. On her apple, missing it
The Toddler did not finish all of her apple at breakfast. She asked for it to be put in the fridge. A few hours later, she asks, ‘Where’s my apple gone?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘It’s in the fridge.’
The Toddler responds with sophistication beyond her two years: ‘Oh, sorry. I was missing it. But it’s in the fridge. Sorry.’

4. On her doctor’s kit, not to go in nappy
Adding to the ongoing questions about the quality of The Toddler’s medical training, she waves her stethoscope at Silly Mummy and announces, ‘I mustn’t put my doctor’s in my nappy. It’s going to get dirty.’ True. But possibly not the only reason not to put a doctor’s kit in your nappy.

5. On the cat, touching things
In what some are calling a fairly innocuous act, the cat walks near to some of The Toddler’s things. The Toddler is not one for a measured and proportionate response. She is not a ten times Oscar nominee in the category of ‘Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction’ for nothing. She screams, ‘Oh no! The cat touched my things! Yuck!’

6. On being an explorer
The Toddler has her explorer kit. She puts her binoculars around her neck, picks up her magnifying glass, and announces to the room that she is an explorer. Kind of: ‘I’m ex!’

7. On buttering toast, very carefully
Silly Mummy is buttering The Toddler’s toast. A delicate and vitally important procedure, judging by The Toddler’s insistent shouts: ‘Be careful with it! Don’t be naughty with it! You have to be very, very careful with it!’

8. On Silly Mummy, not saying ‘dun dun dun’
The Toddler is yelling: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure why we’re building suspense, but gamely joins in: ‘Dun dun dun!’
Silly Mummy is not allowed to say ‘dun dun dun’, as The Toddler makes clear: ‘No! You don’t say dun dun dun! I say dun dun dun! Roar!’

9. On The Baby, not poo
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting for Silly Daddy. The Baby is pulling faces at Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy says, ‘Hi, Poo.’
The Toddler will not stand for her sister being addressed in such a disrespectful manner. She indignantly proclaims: ‘The Baby is not poo! She’s a good girl!’
Through giggles, Silly Mummy agrees: ‘Quite right, The Toddler.’
The Toddler is gracious in her victory: ‘Thank you, Mummy.’

10. On speaking French
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are watching a ferry sailing in. Silly Mummy is explaining that the boat has come from France. The Toddler has been a fan of announcing her name of late, so Silly Mummy tells her: ‘In France, instead of “I’m The Toddler” you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”. Can you say “je m’appelle The Toddler”?’
The Toddler nods: ‘Yes, tinkerbell The Toddler.’ So close.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 22: You Know The Rules

You Know The Rules: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things feature, this week guest starring Michael the Dinosaur.

Michael would like the present The Toddler:

1. On dinosaurs, ridiculously named
The Toddler has a placemat with dinosaurs on it. Usually she puts her bowl on the placemat, eats her meals, and no more is said. However, The Toddler feels it is about time she had a bit more interaction with her placemat. She picks it up and addresses one of the dinosaurs: ‘Want a drink, Michael?’ (Michael?! Michael the Dinosaur?!) The Toddler proceeds to answer on behalf of Michael (Michael!) the Dinosaur: ‘Yes, thank you.’ Michael would like some water. He would also like everyone to stop calling him Michael. It’s ruining his street cred.*

(*Remember the velociraptor terrorising the people in the kitchen in Jurassic Park? Imagine if he’d been called Michael. Michael the Velociraptor would have been laughed out of that kitchen. Phil, the infamous Dinosaur Supervisor, might have got to keep his job.)

 
2. On drawings of faces, showing appropriate concern for them
The Toddler has been practising drawing. And empathising. She likes to draw (with help, of course) faces with different expressions. And then empathise with them, apparently. Silly Mummy says, ‘Shall we draw a sad face?’ Silly Mummy helps The Toddler to draw a sad face. The Toddler studies it with a concerned expression: ‘Oh no, that poor boy!’

3. On birthdays, not sharing
The Toddler has been informed that it is Granny’s birthday. This makes her a little irate. She has just realised that it is, in fact, her birthday too (it is not). She is rather indignant at the cheek of Granny, who apparently expects to share The Toddler’s not birthday: ‘No, it’s my birthday! Granny go away!* That’s a bad thing to do!’ There you have it: the brass neck of some people, swanning around, having birthdays like it’s a perfectly acceptable way to behave!

(*It should be noted that Granny is not even present. The Toddler has simply been told in passing that, somewhere out there, Granny is having her birthday. The Toddler is not one to overreact.)

 
4. On salmon, he’s in the car
The Toddler is eating salmon. Silly Mummy says, ‘Salmon’s nice, isn’t it?’
The Toddler quite agrees: ‘Yes, salmon’s in the car, isn’t he?’ Um…The Toddler may have confused the fish salmon with the name Simon. As you do.

5. On herself, needing discipline
The Toddler may be naughty, but at least she is self aware. She announces: ‘Yes, I do need Nanny McPhee.’

6. On raisins, imaginary chocolate
The Toddler has finally taken imaginary play to its logical conclusion – believing her food is covered in chocolate when it is not. Silly Mummy has given The Toddler a tub with some normal raisins in it. For some reason (it’s called optimism), The Toddler is convinced the raisins are chocolate raisins. She peers into the tub: ‘It’s got choccy raisins in it. I like choccy raisins.’ Silly Mummy expects an upset when The Toddler realises there are no chocolate raisins. Instead, The Toddler points at the raisins. She has apparently managed to locate the non-existent chocolate raisins: ‘There’s choccy raisins!’ She happily eats them.

7. On songs, not learning new ones
Grandma is making the mistake of trying to teach The Toddler a new song. The Toddler does not believe in new songs. Songs are only songs if The Toddler knows them. It’s a mystery how The Toddler learnt any songs at all. She is not learning this one. She is shouting over Grandma’s stubborn singing: ‘I can’t sing that one! I don’t know that one! No, Grandma, that’s not fair!’

8. On nannying
The Toddler is holding her broomstick up over her head and carrying her doctor’s kit. She marches through the living room, declaring, ‘I’m going to see the childrens.’ Yes, she’s impersonating Mary Poppins, with a broomstick as an umbrella and a doctor’s kit in place of the carpet bag. Now, who would like to leave their ‘childrens’ in the competent and responsible hands of Toddler Poppins?

9. On knowing the rules
The Toddler is trying to hit the cat with a broomstick, and has been told off. She understands the situation and the need for swift disciplinary measures. Yes indeed: Silly Mummy is being very badly behaved and must be stopped. The Toddler acts promptly, informing Silly Mummy: ‘You know the rules!* Go on naughty step! That’s naughty from you!’

(*Apparently, there is a rule that Silly Mummy is not to tell The Toddler to stop trying to hit the cat with a broomstick. Silly Daddy must have approved that rule.)

 
10. On pandas, wearing them
The Toddler has a couple of items of clothing with pandas on them, which she loves (and is keen to ensure no one tries to steal). However, it appears that she may have become confused as to what pandas actually are. It seems she may believe they themselves are some kind of clothing. Silly Mummy is looking at pictures of the new baby pandas born in China. The Toddler wanders over and peers at the pictures: ‘Oh pandas! Can I put them on?’ No wonder pandas are endangered. Their food has little nutrition, they don’t mate, toddlers are wearing them…

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock
Week 21: Woof

Woof: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and this week there is also a word (literally) from William Wallace, sorry, The Baby.

First, Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On ears, not safe
Silly Mummy touches The Toddler’s ear, apparently a more dangerous activity than it appears, as The Toddler yells, ‘Don’t touch it! It’s not safe!’ She does not expand upon exactly why her ear is not safe.

2. On the Tooth Fairy
The Baby is very insistently offering The Toddler a leaflet that came through the door and is now The Baby’s most prized possession. The Toddler is ignoring her eager little sister, so Silly Mummy explains that The Baby would like The Toddler to take her leaflet because she is trying to be nice. The Toddler catches on and takes the leaflet: ‘You give that to me? Thank you, The Baby.’ As is usually the way with small children, of course, The Baby only wanted to loan her prized possession to The Toddler. She is now looking hopefully at The Toddler. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler if she would like to give the leaflet back to The Baby now. The Toddler would not: ‘Not going to have it back. It’s my Tooth Fairy.’ Of course it is. Bloody Peppa Pig and her Tooth Fairy letters.

3. On Mary Poppins, summarising
The Toddler has just got to the end of Mary Poppins (again). As Mary flies off with her umbrella, The Toddler summarises the situation: ‘Mary Poppins she’s got to go and see more children. She’s got to go and fly a kite with her bag.’ Yes, that seems to about cover the end of Mary Poppins, if not correct kite flying techniques.

4. On Labyrinth, also summarising
Other films The Toddler has a perfect grasp of include Labyrinth (which Silly Daddy is inexplicably convinced any two year old would want to see): ‘Where’s the baby? We can’t find it!’ David Bowie appears, The Toddler exclaims: ‘What’s that?’

5. On distrac…fluff
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are engaged in a serious conversation, not that Silly Mummy can remember what it is about, as The Toddler seems to have led the discussion firmly down the path labelled distraction: ‘And then…Oh a bit of fluff there. Just a bit of fluff. It’s there. I get rid of it. It’s gone now.’ (As is everyone’s train of thought.)

6. On porridge, apologising for
The Toddler has been asking Silly Mummy for porridge. Silly Mummy is about to make The Toddler some food, and seeks to confirm whether porridge is still desired: ‘Do you still want to have porridge?’
The Toddler appears to feel Silly Mummy’s question implies porridge making is a particularly onerous task: ‘Yes, I do. Sorry about that. I’ll get it myself then.’

7. On her name
The Toddler is misbehaving. Silly Mummy informs her she is a little monster. The Toddler knows Silly Mummy gets confused, and patiently corrects her: ‘I’m not a monster, I’m The Toddler!’

8. On saying ‘woof’
The Toddler is saying ‘woof’. For no particular reason. This is a little odd. She’s also giving a running commentary about the fact that she is saying ‘woof’. This is more than a little odd. ‘Woof. I say woof to The Baby. I’ll say woof to you. Woof. Do you like woof, The Baby?’

9. On kettles, boring
Silly Mummy is asking The Baby to fetch her various items (to see what words The Baby understands, not because The Baby is Silly Mummy’s slave). Silly Mummy asks The Baby if she can find the kettle from the toy tea set. The Toddler has an objection and interjects: ‘You can’t have the kettle – it’s very boring.’

10. On sharing
The Toddler has been rooting around in the games cupboard she is not supposed to go in. Playing cards are now all over the floor. Silly Mummy is picking them up. The Toddler is protesting Silly Mummy’s seizure of ‘her’ property. Silly Mummy points out: ‘Those are Mummy’s cards.’
The Toddler is feeling generous: ‘I’ll share them with you.’

 
 
A word (just the one) from The Baby
The Baby has broken into the restricted (for toddlers and baby toddlers) dining area. She is very pleased with herself. She dodges Silly Mummy and manages to grab a pen before she is apprehended. As Silly Mummy approaches her, The Baby waves her pen in the air, Braveheart style, and issues her war cry: ‘Booooooop!’ You can take The Baby’s pen, but you’ll never take her bop! (In all fairness, ‘bop’ is a more rational war cry than the one William Wallace uses in that film. I’d go so far as to suggest that the course of Scottish history could have been very different had the Scots waved their pens and yelled ‘bop’ at the army of Edward I.)

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 20: You’re a Good Winner

You’re a Good Winner: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, and The Toddler wants to eat Christmas trees but not The Baby’s bum.

Taking a brief break from meal planning, here she is:

1. On being a winner
The Toddler has taken up Rocky style encouragement: ‘Go on, Mummy, you can do it! You’re a good winner!’ The activity The Toddler is encouraging so enthusiastically? Getting her a biscuit.

2. On pandas, hers
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are waiting in the queue at the Post Office. The Toddler has become inexplicably paranoid that other customers want to steal her top, which has pandas on it. She is occupying her time pointing at her top and informing various strangers in the queue: ‘This is not your panda. My panda!’

3. On herself, needing to get cracking
The Baby is wandering around the living room with her bag. Silly Mummy asks The Toddler, ‘Can you help The Baby to put things in her bag?’
The Toddler looks up: ‘No, I can’t. I need to get cracking.’
Silly Mummy did not know The Toddler had plans: ‘Have you got things to do?’
‘Yes, I do.’

4. On talking, never stopping
The Toddler is chattering away, mostly to herself, when she announces, ‘I’ll never stop talking.’ Silly Mummy thinks this sounds like a threat.

5. On Grandma, very clever
Grandma is visiting. Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are going for a walk. Grandma has mentioned that she will just go and get her coat from the car. Later, walking past the car, The Toddler is very insistent that Grandma has to get something from it. Silly Mummy and Grandma assure The Toddler that Grandma already got what she needed. The Toddler is suitably impressed: ‘Oh, very clever, Grandma. Good girl.’

6. On mishearing requests
The Toddler is making demands. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t be demanding.’ The Toddler is confident she is able to comply with Silly Mummy’s request, mostly because she misheard it: ‘Sorry, Mum. I’m not doing mountain.’

7. On Christmas trees
The Toddler was 19 months old last Christmas. She appears to have remembered certain aspects of it. The fact that there were chocolates around, mostly. Whenever she hears mention of Christmas she starts talking about chocolates and the lights. Silly Mummy asks her if she remembers the Christmas tree. The Toddler nods: ‘Christmas tree, yes…can I eat it?’ Silly Mummy thinks The Toddler possibly does not remember the Christmas tree. She may be thinking of something else. The Toddler continues: ‘Need to blow it first. Need to blow candles.’ Definitely thinking of something else. Birthday cakes, it appears.

8. On both of herself
The Toddler and The Baby are being naughty. Silly Mummy says, ‘Can both of you stop doing that, please.’ The Toddler becomes concerned about how many of her are being naughty. To be safe, she confirms, ‘Yes, both of me stop.’

9. On babies, why they cry
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are walking along the road. In the distance, a baby can be heard crying inside a house. The Toddler asks, ‘What’s that noise?’ Silly Mummy informs her it is a baby crying in one of the houses. Despite not knowing what the noise was seconds before, The Toddler is suddenly remarkably well informed on the subject of the the crying baby: ‘Oh, it doesn’t like having those hiccups.’

10. On The Baby, not eating her bum
Silly Mummy is changing The Baby’s nappy. The Toddler is providing the following commentary, a strong contender for this year’s prestigious It Goes Without Saying, Thank You, The Toddler Award: ‘We don’t eat The Baby’s bum. Can we not eat The Baby’s bum. We don’t eat The Baby’s stinky poo.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits
Week 19: Clock

Clock: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature. The Toddler will take a break from evil cackles (‘ha’) and concerns about what on earth is wrong with boys (many have wondered), to present her thoughts:

1. On pot
The Toddler is sitting next to Silly Daddy. She suddenly declares, ‘Daddy, I’ve got pot.’ Silly Daddy is half way through gathering up bags of crisps and chocolate when it transpires that The Toddler has a spot on her leg.

2. On searching, minimal effort
Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to look for a missing toy. The Toddler does precisely no looking before declaring: ‘I can’t find it anywhere!’
Silly Mummy points out: ‘You haven’t looked!’
The Toddler bucks up her ideas, and carefully inspects the 10cm square patch of empty floor right at her feet: ‘It’s not there, is it?’ Thanks for your help, The Toddler.

3. On clocks, with an ‘l’
The Silly Family are going swimming. Silly Daddy is getting tickets. The Toddler has spotted something she wants Silly Daddy to see: ‘Look, Daddy, a clock!’ Except she’s not yelling ‘clock’. She never says ‘clock’. She always misses the ‘l’. Usually, the context makes her meaning clear. Usually, she can only mean ‘clock’. But this is the swimming pool, no assumptions should be made. A quick check of surroundings is warranted. Everyone is dressed. There is a clock on the wall. All is well.

4. On bags, naughty
The Baby is waving around The Toddler’s spotty Mr Tumble bag. Inevitably, she hits herself in the face. The Toddler takes charge of the situation. By marching over to the bag and saying firmly, ‘Bad bag!’

5. On butterflies, identity issues
The Toddler wants to wear one of her dresses (every day). Silly Mummy offers choices: ‘Pink dress or butterfly dress?’
The Toddler knows her answer: ‘Butterfly dress. It’s got big small ladybirds on it.’ Ah, yes, the ladybirds. Also called butterflies. Silly Mummy wonders why The Toddler thinks we call the dress the ‘butterfly dress’.

6. On evil cackles, ha
The Toddler is quite taken with the evil queen in Enchanted: ‘Can we see evil queen now?’
Silly Mummy replies, ‘Yes she’ll be on in a minute. Does she say “mwah ha ha”?’
‘Yes, she does say “ha”! Ha!’ The Toddler may need to work on her evil cackle.

7. On that poor boy
The Toddler has found a new way of showing Silly Mummy up in public. This one’s subtle. She’s doing it with concern. Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in town, and pass a lady who has stopped to feed her crying baby. The Toddler breaks free and runs back to the lady and baby. She stops right in front of them, and loudly says, ‘That poor boy! What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ The Toddler thinks she is being caring. She does not realise she is effectively in some poor woman’s face yelling, ‘Call yourself a mother? Your poor baby is crying! Crying!’ (In a connected matter, there is a boy a little older than The Toddler who lives next door. He has quite a lot of tantrums. Whenever The Toddler can hear him through the walls, she asks, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’ Unfortunately, if we bump into them on the street now, regardless of the fact that the boy is not doing anything & is minding his own business, The Toddler will spurn all traditional forms of greeting and loudly ask, ‘What’s wrong with the boy, Mummy?’)

8. On overreaction
The baby has hit The Toddler on the head with a soft toy. Fortunately, The Toddler is not one to overreact: ‘The Baby has broken my head!’

9. On watches, Grandma’s
The Toddler has commandeered Grandma’s watch. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘I want to wear my clock on!’ (She’s not saying ‘clock’. She means clock. She’s not saying clock. See number 3.)
Silly Mummy stops giggling (she’s not saying clock), and deals with the matter in hand: ‘That’s not your clock, is it? That’s Grandma’s.’
‘Yes it is my clock! Not Grandma’s clock. It’s my clock.’ (Not saying clock. Insert your own immature giggling here.)
‘Where did you get it?’
‘It’s Grandma’s.’

10. On the park, for childrens
The Toddler is at the park. Silly Mummy suggests she has a go on the balance bar. The Toddler disagrees: ‘No. It’s for childrens.’ It is unclear what The Toddler thinks she is exactly (apart from not getting on the balance bar, of course).

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker
Week 18: A Spinny Armpits

A Spinny Armpits: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and The Toddler has a few suggestions for JK Rowling, but first here she is:

1. On doing spells
The Toddler is waving a hoover attachment at Silly Mummy and yelling, ‘A spinny armpits!’ Yes, she means ‘expelliarmus’. Silly Mummy likes The Toddler’s version better. Perhaps JK Rowling would like to rewrite the Harry Potter books with spells by The Toddler? And hoover attachments as wands. The Students can all visit Mr Dyson instead of Mr Ollivander: ‘The lint tool chooses the wizard, Mr Potter.’

2. On PA systems, conversations with
Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are in the supermarket, passing the travelator. Someone gets onto the travelator, and it starts giving its automated instructions: ‘Stand still and hold onto the hand rail.’ The Toddler is not one to miss out on a conversation, whether it involves her or not: ‘Right, I’m standing still. Standing still now.’ She’s actually sitting in the pushchair. Apparently she is expecting further input from the travelator. She reaffirms: ‘I’m standing still.’ The travelator is a bit rude and fails to acknowledge The Toddler’s compliance with its instructions. However, the PA system steps up to the mark to fill the conversational void: ‘Welcome to the store.’
‘Thank you,’ says The Toddler.

3. On getting her pyjama fix
The Toddler needs someone to help her put on her pyjamas. Strangely, she seems to want to undertake this activity in the style of a Guy Ritchie film or Irvine Welsh novel: ‘Mummy, are you going to sort me out? Daddy, you not sort me out. Mummy’s going to sort me out. You sort me out now, Mummy?’ Apparently, The Toddler is some kind of pyjama addict. She just needs one more hit. She’s going to quit, but she just needs Silly Mummy to sort her out one last time.

4. On dilemmas
The Toddler is doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy, but she has a problem: ‘I’m too big small.’ Well, that is a dilemma.

5. On Silly Daddy, knowing when to stop
The Toddler is no longer doing forward rolls with Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy does not know when to stop, but The Toddler is in control of the situation: ‘I think it’s enough, Daddy.’

6. On compliments, to others
The Toddler is continuing her campaign of raising Silly Mummy’s self esteem with compliments. This week, she likes to hold Silly Mummy’s face and whisper, ‘You’re very beauty.’ The Baby has also received Toddler-based confirmation that she is ‘very beauty’.

7. On compliments, to herself
The Toddler has not been leaving herself out of her compliments crusade, in case anyone was concerned. Walking around TK Maxx, she spots a mirror. She rushes over, grabs the sides of the mirror with both hands, puts her face millimetres away from the glass, and announces (loudly): ‘I’m so pretty!’

8. On roaring
Silly Mummy and The Baby are talking about tigers: ‘Roar!’ The Toddler is not happy with the situation: ‘Childrens don’t say roar, please.’

9. On evil queens
The Toddler likes to watch Enchanted. She struggles to remember the word ‘evil’. The evil queen appears. The Toddler is quite excited: ‘Look! Look! It’s her – the…awful queen!’

10. On shouting
The Toddler is shouting (repeatedly): ‘Everyone stop shouting!’ All attempts to explain to her that she is the one shouting are proving unsuccessful. Silly Mummy doesn’t think she can hear the explanation. Someone’s shouting.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 17: I’m so busy

I’m So Busy: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where frankly it is a miracle The Toddler has turned up at all: she’s so busy.

Nonetheless, here she is:

1. On needing to be on the naughty step
The Toddler has pushed over The Baby (who is now on her bottom, looking mildly confused about how she got there). Silly Mummy tells The Toddler it is naughty to push The Baby, even when you’re playing, and she needs to say sorry or she will have to sit on the naughty step. The Toddler dutifully apologises, and gives The Baby a kiss. Silly Mummy tells her to remember not to push The Baby again because next time she will have to go straight to the naughty step. The Toddler is disappointed by the lenience she has been shown. She feels she needs a hard line on punishment: ‘No, I need to go on naughty step now.’ Off she goes. To sit herself on the naughty step. She reappears when she has suitably punished herself.

2. On her make up, finishing it
Mornings are a busy time for The Toddler. She marches over to the coffee table: ‘I finish my make up.’ (It should be noted that at no point did she start her make up. She is jumping right in with finishing the make up. It should also be noted that she doesn’t have any make up.) The Toddler has forgotten something: ‘I say bye bye Daddy first before I finish my make up.’ Silly Daddy dismissed, The Toddler returns to putting on her make up. Which appears to involve moving soft building blocks from the floor to the coffee table. The Baby wanders over and sits down in all the building blocks. The Toddler is scandalised: ‘My make up! The Baby, you’re on my make up!’

3. On herself, so busy
The Toddler has been told to apologise to The Baby for aggressively snatching from her (The Toddler’s sisterly skills appear to have been questionable this week). Unfortunately, The Toddler, who is lining up a tea set, is having some scheduling issues: ‘I’m too busy. I’m going to say sorry. I’m so busy. Say sorry in a second.’ (In a complete disciplinary fail, Silly Mummy falls about laughing at this point, instead of enforcing the apology. Oops.)

4. On taking photographs, the wrong way
The Toddler has Silly Mummy’s phone, and she is taking pictures: ‘I do photo. Oops, I did it wrong way! I did button wrong way, didn’t I?’ This could indicate anything from turning on the front camera and photographing herself, to inadvertently calling for an ambulance.

5. On the cheese, looking at it
The Toddler asks Silly Mummy, ‘Do you want to look at the cheese now?’ She has not organised an inspection of the cheddar. She wants to show Silly Mummy the photographs she has taken/ambulance she has called on Silly Mummy’s phone (‘say cheese’, you see).

6. On the dog, not allowed to wake up
The Toddler is at Grandma and Pop’s house. Grandma and Pop’s dog has been sleeping under the table, but is now getting up. She has not obtained the appropriate permissions from The Toddler for this behaviour, and The Toddler puts an immediate stop to it: ‘Dog, go back to sleep! Now!’

7. On being a bit older
The Toddler has wandered over to a box of toys and is staring at it contemplatively. She has reached a conclusion: ‘I’m a bit older.’ It is unclear whether she is a bit older than she was last time she played with the toys (about an hour ago), or a bit older than the toys and asserting her authority over them, or simply philosophising.

8. On dressing gowns, lovely
The Toddler is feeling very complimentary towards Silly Mummy: ‘Your dressing gown has spots on there. It’s lovely.’

9. On wands
The Toddler has a wand (well, a drumstick), and she is using it to put a spell on a troll on the TV. She is not letting the fact that she has forgotten both the word ‘spell’ and the word ‘wand’ stand in her way: ‘I shoo it away with my witch!’

10. On The Baby, book related behaviour
The Toddler has one of Silly Mummy’s books. The Toddler no longer tries to eat or rip books, and can be trusted with paper books. The Baby cannot be trusted. The Toddler knows this. However, she would like The Baby to join her for a bit of pretend reading. She gives The Baby very clear instructions as to the expected standard of behaviour for this activity: ‘The Baby, you come and read this? We’re not going to eat it, The Baby, just read it. You come here and read it with me. Don’t eat.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 16: Ooh I Say

Ooh I Say: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Welcome to this week’s screening of Carry On Toddlering…sorry, this week’s Ten Funniest Things post.

Silly Mummy presents Kenneth Williams…sorry, The Toddler:

1. On her mind, ready
The Toddler is preparing for one of her trips again. It appears there is some confusion today as to the imaginary weather. The Toddler says, ‘Going now. Very cold outside. Very warm outside.’
Silly Mummy laughs, ‘Make your mind up!’
The Toddler replies, ‘Yes, mind up. Mind’s all ready to go.’

2. On stealing from The Baby
The Toddler has snatched a handful of The Baby’s lunch from the highchair. Silly Mummy says, ‘Don’t eat The Baby’s food, please. Give it back to her.’ The Toddler returns the food. Silly Mummy turns to The Baby: ‘The Baby, if The Toddler takes your food, say, “Stop thief!”‘ The Baby smiles. Two minutes later, The Toddler sidles over to the highchair, grabs another handful of The Baby’s food, and helpfully says, ‘Stop thief!’

3. On the Bandersnatch
The Toddler is watching Alice in Wonderland. She points at the screen: ‘What’s that?’
Silly Mummy says, ‘That’s the Bandersnatch.’
The Toddler watches the Bandersnatch chase Alice: ‘Look, it’s the big bad Bander…thingy!’

4. On Silly Mummy, very funny
Silly Mummy is chattering away, nothing very groundbreaking. The Toddler wanders over, ‘You’re very funny.’ (*Silly Mummy takes a bow*) Well, thank you very much, The Toddler: Silly Mummy will be here all week.

5. On childrens, responsibility for
The Toddler is watching Balamory. She appears to have decided that she is looking after the school children. Who are older than her. And aren’t in the living room. She announces, ‘Hello, childrens. I’m going to come with you.’ She proceeds to tear off in the direction of the door. She trips and falls. Her little voice can be heard: ‘Whoops! Sorry, childrens!’

6. On manners
The Toddler is feeling very polite. She sticks her face in Silly Mummy’s: ‘Might I kiss you?’

7. On Sleeping Beauty
The Toddler’s skill at abridging stories is in evidence again. This time she is telling Sleeping Beauty: ‘Is sleeping beauty. Once upon a time…was Sleeping Beauty.’ She really knows how to capture the key elements of a story.

8. On Silly Mummy, sweetheart
The Toddler wanders up to Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy says, ‘Hello, sweetheart.’
The Toddler replies, ‘Hello, sweetheart Mummy.’

9. On being Kenneth Williams
The Toddler is holding her water at a precarious angle. Silly Mummy says, ‘Can you be careful with the water?’
The Toddler replies, ‘Ooh I say!’ Silly Mummy didn’t realise we were in Carry On Toddlering.

10. On sorting it out
The Toddler has a new obsession with removing pyjamas from The Baby. The Baby is wandering the living room in her nappy. Silly Mummy says, ‘The Baby might be a bit cold now you’ve undressed her, The Toddler.’
The Toddler sets off after The Baby, ‘I’ll go and sort it out.’ Despite The Toddler’s air of calm competence, Silly Mummy can’t help but notice that she ‘sorts it out’ by commandeering The Baby’s ball. The Baby is still rather naked. And she now has no ball.

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 14: Childrens
Week 15: We Are Not a Stinker

We Are Not a Stinker: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time. Last week started quietly, but Silly Mummy is pleased to say that The Toddler stepped up her game, pulled it out of the bag, and turned into Queen Victoria. As you do.

So please curtesy for Queen Toddler:

1. On cooking and the Can Can
The Toddler has a new television obsession. She enjoys ‘Can Can Cook’.* This is obviously that CBeebies programme where Katy teaches us how to make risotto whilst wearing a frilly dress and performing a high-kicking French dance. It’s an innovative idea, but only for the very coordinated among us.

(*She means ‘I Can Cook‘, which Silly Mummy now realises is disappointingly lacking in anyone doing the Can Can.)

 
2. On the royal we
The Toddler has a new identity. As Queen Victoria. She has done a poo and Silly Mummy says, ‘I think you’re a stinker.’
The Toddler replies with the royal we: ‘We are not a stinker, are we?’ Silly Mummy believes we are a stinker, but we are certainly not amused. (See what we did there?)

3. On one’s boots
Further to the above, The Toddler apparently also now receives her shoes in a manner befitting her new role as Queen Victoria: ‘There’s one’s boots.’

4. On eating The Baby’s food
The Toddler has just finished her lunch. The Baby is still eating in the high chair. The Toddler says, ‘May I go and see The Baby?’
Silly Mummy has some experience with the possible motivation behind this request: ‘Yes, but please don’t take her food. Let her eat her food.’
The Toddler nods, ‘Okay.’ She pauses. ‘I might have a little bit.’ It was not a suggestion, The Toddler!

5. On thank you, sooooo much
The Toddler’s usual form of showing gratitude is now: ‘Thank you. Thank you sooooo much.’ Is she really, really grateful? Or is she really sarcastic? Did anyone watch Father Ted? Remember Father Jack’s tone when he was doing an exaggerated, sarcastic thank you? It’s exactly that tone. Yep: she’s sarcastic, isn’t she?

6. On herself, only little
Silly Mummy is explaining to The Toddler why she can’t eat a whole rock bun: ‘That’s a grown up size portion of cake. You’re only little.’
The Toddler decides to concede the point: ‘Yes, I am a bit little.’

7. On The Baby, how she should eat
The Toddler is offering advice and instruction to The Baby on an area in which she has great expertise: eating. She is pointing at The Baby’s mouth, and explaining exactly what she should do: ‘Eat it very properly.’

8. On naughty penguins/oranges
The Toddler is pushing around a toy shopping trolley. She brings it over to Silly Mummy and opines, ‘That one’s being naughty!’ She points at a plastic orange (which does its best to look innocent), and continues, ‘That penguin!’ Well, that is a naughty penguin, living a double life as an orange. Thank god The Toddler can see through its web of deception to the (naughty) penguin within.

9. On supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
The Toddler’s love of Mary Poppins has still not abated, and she continues to attempt to learn to say ‘supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’. She has made progress, and can now say about half of the word, but she is using it in a rather odd context. The Baby has taken one of The Toddler’s toys: ‘Give it back, The Baby! Supercalifragilistic you!’ It is possible she thinks supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a threat. Or voodoo.

10. On reading
The Toddler picks up one of Silly Mummy’s books: ‘Right then, Mummy’s book. Right then, let’s read this.’ Following this pep talk, The Toddler starts turning pages. After a few pages, she looks up and says sadly, ‘I’m not very well at reading books.’

Some other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff
Week 14: Childrens

Childrens: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

In this week’s Ten Funniest Things feature, The Toddler is trying to tell jokes despite being really very, very sick. Meanwhile, The Baby is embroiled in a stand off with a toy remote control.

It’s The Toddler:

1. On Balamory, what’s the story in
The Toddler is sitting on the sofa. Apropos of nothing she suddenly pipes up, ‘Right then, what’s the story in Balamory?…Well, it’s quite windy.’ In all fairness, that is a reasonable representation of both the usual excitement level of the stories on Balamory, and the likely weather in Scotland. Offers of a script writing position will surely flood in.

2. On pants, cleaning with
The Toddler is supposed to be getting dressed. Instead, she is cleaning the coffee table with her underwear. Silly Mummy’s suggestion that perhaps we do not need to be cleaning the coffee table with our underwear is dismissed: ‘Yes, I do need to clean with my pants.’

3. On being patronising
The Toddler has this week been consolidating her position as the Boss of Everything by calling everybody else ‘childrens’ whenever possible, in her best patronising tone. Silly Daddy dropped the bag containing the nail clippers on the floor whilst trying to put it out of reach. The Toddler was on hand with instructions on how everyone should proceed: ‘Childrens, please don’t go through the nails.’

4. Also on also
The Toddler has learnt the word ‘also’, and also she likes to use it a lot, also. She is showing Silly Mummy some of her toys: ‘Have this one also. Also got this one and these. Also.’

5. On compliments, giving and receiving
The Toddler has progressed from last week’s self forgiveness. She is now complimenting and thanking herself. She is making a pattern on the floor with some stacking cups. It’s quite good, if she does say so herself (which, incidentally, was very kind of her to say, if she does say so herself): ‘Is very good…Thank you.’

6. On subliminal messages
There’s something The Toddler feels Silly Daddy should be doing. She is attempting subliminal messaging to prompt him. She sidles over to him, whispering, ‘Food, food. Chop, chop: get food.’

7. On going to work with Silly Daddy
The Toddler has decided to go to work with Silly Daddy. Silly Daddy has just left. The Toddler yells at the door, ‘Wait a minute I got to come with you now, just wait there a minute!’ She runs off in the opposite direction to the door. Presumably to get her tie: she’s not dressed for the office. Fortunately, Silly Daddy was not waiting on the other side of the door, as The Toddler does not return. She is now discussing tea making with The Baby. Perhaps she remembered she does not have a tie.

8. On bright lights
Silly Mummy is squinting because the light is in her eyes. The Toddler notices: ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s just a bit bright.’
The Toddler looks at The Baby, who is also looking a bit squinty: ‘The Baby has brights, too, look.’

9. On telling jokes
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy, rather ambitiously, have decided to try to teach a two year old bad jokes. Knock knock jokes quickly fail. The routine is explained to The Toddler. She nods. Silly Daddy starts: ‘Knock knock.’ The Toddler looks at him expectantly. Silly Daddy prompts The Toddler: ‘You say, “Who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.’
The Toddler wants to knock too. She bangs on the table: ‘Knock knock!’
Silly Mummy decides to try something else: ‘What do you call a man with a spade on his head?’
The Toddler does not know. Silly Daddy tries to help her. He whispers, ‘Doug.’
The Toddler triumphantly gives Silly Mummy the answer, which she may have misheard: ‘Dork!’

10. On malingering
The Toddler has taken up malingering. She arranges herself on the sofa and looks pitiful. ‘I’m not very well.’
Silly Mummy says, ‘Oh dear, aren’t you? What feels the matter?’
‘I’m quite unwell. I’m really very sick. Very, very sick, yes.’ Silly Mummy points out that it is a good job that it is nap time and The Toddler is about to go for a lie down. The Toddler makes a remarkable recovery: ‘No, can’t do that.’

 
Meanwhile…
The Baby is arguing with a toy remote control, which is trying to tell her the Spanish for nine. The Baby does not want to talk about the Spanish for nine. She is trying to change the subject to a matter of more interest to her. The Baby and the remote are now engaged in a stand off, and are shouting at each other. The Baby presses a button. The remote says, ‘Neuve.’
The Baby yells, ‘Duck!’ She presses the button again.
‘Neuve.’
‘Duck!’
‘Neuve.’
‘Duck!’

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me
Week 12: Undone, Everyone
Week 13: I’m Not a Hufflepuff