Simon Cowell's new holiday harem? His TWO mothers-in-law! He's back blinging it up in Barbados - once a sophisticated jet setters' playground, now a naff circus of reality TV stars,  WAGs and bad-taste billionaires

Sir Philip Green in his pineapple sunglasses. Racing driver Lewis Hamilton paddleboarding with his bulldog Coco squatting on the prow. Coleen Rooney arriving for a short stay with ten pieces of luggage.

Sinitta in a silly hat, Jeremy Kyle in regrettable shorts, potty-mouthed reality star Danielle Lloyd posing on any yacht that will have her, Simon Cowell taking his teacup dogs Squiddly, Diddly and Freddy for a walk on the shoreline. 

He has also embellished his usual bizarre travelling harem of girlfriends and ex-girlfriends by adding not one but two mothers-in-law to the mix this year. 

Joining him on the cosy trip are Lauren Silverman's mother Carole Davis – and her stepmother Rosy. 

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Simon Cowell has jetted off on his annual Christmas vacation with two of his in-laws - his partner Lauren Silverman’s mother, Carole Davis (right) and stepmother Rosy Davis (left) 

X Factor boss Cowell, his wife Lauren (both pictured) and son Eric jetted off to Barbados, which has become a circus of reality show stars, footballers' wives and beauty queens, writes JAN MOIR

Which makes Simon seem like a glutton for punishment or a paragon of virtue – or perhaps a festive mixture of both!

And all of them, every last starry winter sunseeker amongst them, is pursued day and night by eager, tattooed fans insisting on beach selfies and autographs.

Oh Barbados, what on Earth have we done to you? This tropical paradise, the most eastern island in the Caribbean, was once a sophisticated jet set playground. It was a place where presidents and movie stars would quietly spend their winter vacations, sipping rum punches as they wiggled their toes in the caramel sand, savouring the frangipani-scented air and the sea breezes.

It used to be exclusive and elite, discreet and chic – but that was before the new wave of blingtastic Brits crashed upon the shore and took up residence every festive season.

Everywhere you look on high season Barbados today there is a circus of reality show stars, footballers' wives, beauty queens, rag traders, chat show hosts, dodgy dealers, pop stars and Uncle Tom Cobley thundering about in ill-fitting bandanas, inappropriate footwear and comedy trunks. 

They are not exactly wearing knotted handkerchiefs on their heads – they just give the impression that they are.

The tropical paradise of Barbados, the most eastern island in the Caribbean, was once a sophisticated jet set playground (pictured Cowell and his wife Lauren on holiday in Barbados)

Cowell, his wife Lauren and mothers in law Carole (pictured) and Rosy are pursued day and night by eager, tattooed fans insisting on beach selfies and autographs

It's not that there is anything wrong with these people. Some of them are very lovely human beings whom I happen to know personally. Most of them – but not all – have worked long and hard to be able to afford a five-star winter sunshine break.

It's more that the British, never good at beach chic at the best of times, are now represented on this world stage by a tribe of calamitous thrill seekers who like to live it large, show off, sun themselves until they are conker brown husks and parade around in the kind of baggy beachwear that looks as if it was found in a hamper on the set of It Ain't Half Hot Mum. 

And you know, you just know darlings, that the tone is being lowered when stars start calling the island 'Barbs' and someone like Danielle tweets that she won't be eating any carbohydrates until she gets there. 'No carbs till Barbs!' she trilled, an echo of the 'no carbs till Marbs' war cry that made Marbella so popular with the stars of the reality show The Only Way Is Essex.

Of course, Barbados is not nearly as trashy as Marbella, but is it heading that way? Not just yet. The days when Concorde flew here direct are no longer, but this island is still the enclave of the pampered, unadventurous British super-rich who demand their Caribbean creature comforts and 400 thread count sheets, but still want rack of lamb and shepherd's pie on the menu.

Balmy Barbados has always been popular with the British. We first invaded it in 1625, and liked it so much we made it a British territory until the Queen granted it independence in 1966. And now an invasion of a different sort takes place every year from peak season, which is Christmas through to Easter. 

Party central for the Brits who can afford it is the whimperingly expensive Sandy Lane hotel, where no attention to detail is overlooked. Staff groom the private beach outside the hotel until it is pristine and polish your sunglasses while you swim.

Sir Philip Green (pictured) was one of the many celebrities who has been pictured holidaying in Barbados this year

Chat show host Jeremy Kyle (pictured) also jetted off to the island paradise in what Jan Moir described as 'regrettable shorts'

Rooms cost around £2,000 a night and at peak times you have to stay for a full fortnight – but who would ever want to leave? The bedrooms average 900 square feet each and are complete with massive plasma screens and Penhaligon's bath oils. The super-super-rich, like Simon Cowell, prefer to stay in the hotel's private villa.

The opulent hotel was beloved of the late Michael Winner, who was on the island when he ate the oyster which gave him the infection Vibrio vulnificus, and which hastened his death. Like all the stars, he favoured the exclusive, western side of the island, which has the nicest beaches. Barbados has a windy, surfy east coast which only a hardy few, like rocker Robert Plant, prefer.

All the celeb action is on the west, which is also known as the Platinum Coast. Daily sights include Sinitta wandering about in a sun visor that could double as a welder's mask and Simon Cowell brandishing his sunburnt chest, as pink as if someone had popped him in a boil wash. Simon loves Barbados so much he has become patron and benefactor of the Hope Sanctuary, the rescue dog centre on the island.

It's all a far cry from the days when Hollywood legend Claudette Colbert would spend seven months of the year at ravishing Bellerive, her 18th century plantation house on the beach. Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow honeymooned in a cottage on her estate and Colbert reported that by the time they arrived, they were barely on speaking terms.

In 1966, George Harrison and Patti Boyd also honeymooned on the island, while regular visitors in the good old days included Sir Edward and Nancy Cunard, Jackie Onassis, TS Eliot, Greta Garbo. Maria Callas could be seen sashaying about in the capital, Bridge-town, with her pet marmoset on a leash. Cliff Richard still has a villa there, where Cilla would regularly visit, along with Tony and Cherie Blair – though not at the same time.

And now what? Well, it is still a sun-drenched, flower-laden, heavenly destination, a place that those of us stuck in rain-lashed Britain can only dream of, grrr. There are lovely local Bajan treats such as flying fish sandwiches and a glass of sorrel lemonade, a festive brew made of sorrel flowers, orange peel and spices. At night the tree frogs still whistle and the hibiscus blooms.

And if Philip Green in his novelty glasses ruins your view, or Coleen annoys everyone by appearing in her eighth bikini of the day, or Squiddly or Diddly do a whoopsie on the sand, console yourself with the fact that their presence is only a temporary blip on this totally tropical paradise. And at least we all know where they are.