Have YOU lost your libido? What to do if you don't want to have sex with your partner (and when it's time to pack your bags)

It happens more often than we like to think. One minute, sex is top of your ‘Favourite Things’ list: next minute, it’s moved to the bottom of ‘Chores to Do’.

Loss of desire happens for both men and women for a myriad of reasons but - probably because our sexual response systems are so complex – it’s more often a female complaint.

There are many, many reasons why women stop wanting and having sex: some we can control and some we can’t. Here’s a list of the most common culprits.

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Tracey Cox says that our libido can drop from time to time however you should be concerned if you haven't wanted sex with your partner for over a year

PINPOINT EXACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING.

Temporary lack of desire means you normally love sex but are just going through an off period.

Long-term lack of desire means passion hasn’t lived at your house for quite some time (lust moved out years ago).

Low sensation means you want sex but your body doesn’t, refusing to respond physically to erotic arousal of the brain.

If you’re suffering from low sensation, head for your doctor and ask for a referral to a good gynaecologist for a full check-up.

The problem’s usually physically based with common culprits being pelvic surgery like hysterectomy, high blood pressure, smoking, high cholesterol, hormonal changes like having a baby and medications.

Tracey says that a lack of sex drive may be down to the fact that your partner is disappointing in bed or simply because you are no longer attracted to them 

Temporary lack of desire can usually be pinpointed to a specific event if you think hard enough.

Apart from the obvious things like having just had a baby, there’s stress (Just got a promotion? Moved house?), exhaustion (all or any of the above), the death of a parent, tension in your relationship and any one of a number of things which make you feel less than wonderful.

If you can pinpoint losing interest in sex to a specific event, the solution usually presents itself along with the realisation.

Super stressed? Rethink your priorities. If you’re grieving, give yourself time to heal.

If you’ve not felt like sex for a year or more and have no idea why, that’s when you need to sit up and pay attention.

And be honest.

The first and most likely reason you’re not (ever) turned on is you’re in the wrong relationship or your partner’s a lousy lover.

Tracey says that a crucial part of long term sex is to push one another out of your comfort zones

By far the biggest obstacle between women and the Big O is a partner who hasn’t the first clue about how to get us there.

Happily, with some open, honest communication and education about what you need to orgasm, this can be solved.

A tad more disturbing is realising the problem isn’t your partner’s technique but the fact you simply don’t fancy him.

While there’s plenty you can try to spice up your sex life and hopefully nudge any sleepy, long-forgotten erotic feelings, there are now decisions only you can make.

Some people stay together as friends and satisfy themselves with solo sex, others take a lover or walk away and find someone they are sexually attracted to.

Ironically equally as common and just as destructive to your sex life: you’ve become too close to your partner.

How was sex in the beginning?

If it was good and you’re still attracted to them, if not lusting after them, intimacy is rudely pushing passion aside.

It’s stupendously unfair that the couples who have the closest, soul-mate connection and the best relationships often have the worst sex lives.

A crucial ingredient to having good long-term sex is novelty: if you’ve become matching bookends with the same tastes and views, that’s hard to achieve.

Couples who push each other out of their comfort zones, challenging their partner to try new things and see things from a different point of view, tend to fare better in the bedroom.

ARE YOU SUBCONSCIOUSLY WITHHOLDING SEX?

Sex is a powerful bargaining tool in relationships.

If your partner’s always been sex mad, withdrawing his main source of pleasure if he’s not behaving out of bed can be tremendously satisfying.

Sometimes, particularly if you’re angry, you’re aware you are doing it (That’ll teach the b******!).

Other times, if you’re deeply hurt, it happens on an unconscious level.

Sex problems are rarely just about sex, they’re usually a sign the relationship’s a bit wobbly as well.

YOU HAVE TO WANT TO WANT

Desire is a decision. It doesn’t just happen, you have to make it happen.

Accept responsibility for your own arousal: work out what turns you on and do it.

Spontaneous lust happens easily in the beginning, but not so easily later on.

Make a weekly date for sex and three other ‘us times’ (an hour each time) to simply spend time together outside the bedroom.

These dates are top of your priority list, not last on the list.

When the time comes, enthusiastically participate and you might find you enjoy it as much as they do!

Don’t blame.

Your partner’s not bordering on sex addiction or ‘really should see someone’ because they want to get horizontal with you.

It’s a compliment, for a start.

Fight the ‘Why should I do something I don’t want to do?’ indignance.

Instead, try everything in your power to make sex a pleasure, not a chore.

If you're struggling with sex problems or lack of desire a visit to a good sex therapist can make all the difference. Find one at itsgoodtotalk.org.uk, cosrt.org.uk orrelate.org.uk.

For more practical advice on sex visit traceycox.com or find Tracey’s books on amazon.