'When a review starts by comparing the hotel to one of the greatest man-made disasters I am unsure how to proceed': The most hilarious TripAdvisor management responses ever

These days the travel and tourism industry is increasingly judged from behind the safety of a keyboard and computer screen.

Hotel, bar and restaurant owners sometimes face withering attacks from 'keyboard warriors'. But on TripAdvisor they're allowed to strike back - and the results can be hilarious. 

From the restaurant owner who described a review as a 'shining example of a drunk person's view of the situation' to the fish and chip-shop owner who said a customer 'wasn't fit to pass judgement on a goldfish', MailOnline Travel reveals the review site's funniest management put-downs ever.

'When a review starts by comparing the hotel to one of the greatest man made disasters I am unsure how to proceed'

The customer who stayed at this Irish hotel was not impressed with what they saw on the inside and outside

The manager of the Silver Springs Moran Hotel in Cork pointed out the positives of the property

Most hotel managers would feel a bit defensive if their hotel was likened to a nuclear disaster zone - and the manager of the Silver Springs Moran Hotel in Cork is no different.

When previous guest NoneOfYoBizniss wrote on TripAdvisor that his hotel 'looks like a building from Chernobyl on the outside' and gave it one-star out of five, he felt compelled to respond.

His reply read: 'Unfortunately when a review starts by comparing the hotel to one of the greatest man made disasters and loss of innocent life of the twentieth century I am unsure as to how my efforts to find a resolution would have proceeded.

'The hotel itself was built in 1964 therefore making it 50 years old and has a long time been a contributor to the business sector of Cork by providing employment to over 150 people at present and performing an important role like all other Cork hotels to the hospitality and tourism sector.

The hotel manager was not happy about the property being compared to Chernobyl, and so decided to post this response

'To suggest that the hotel has not been refurbished or redecorated since Ronald Reagan’s US presidency (1981-1989) is simply untrue.'

Each point in the review is met with perfectly worded answers, but by the end, the manager shows his soft side by adding that he is 'available at your convenience'.

'I was under the impression that you were mad at your husband for dead-bolting you out of the room'

A customer staying at the Best Western Hickok House in Deadwood, US, left a bad review following a stay back in October 2012, saying it was 'loud, overpriced and smoky'.

But the manager's witty response asked whether the bad review was prompted by some 'issues' between the couple who stayed.

The customer alleged that the room 'stunk of smoke' and the hotel 'could do nothing about it'

However the management's response seems to indicate the negative review may have been left as a result of 'other matters'

It read: 'I'm sorry that you didn't receive the service that you expected. When I spoke with you the first time, I was under the impression that you were mad at your husband for dead-bolting you out of the room.

'It is possible that you felt we were rude when we asked that you and your husband to leave the women's restroom in our casino, as we had ladies waiting to use it, I appologize for that.' 

It appears there was certainly more to this particular story. 

'Yes! My wife does get a bit snooty on the odd occasion. I will have a word with her'

The owner of the Peach and Quiet Hotel in Barbados accepted there may well have been cause for complaint from one disgruntled guest, who had written on TripAdvisor that he was not happy with 'a rather superior attitude' from a member of staff.

He said in reply that his wife 'does get a bit snooty on the odd occasion' and that he 'would have a word with her.' 

However, he was not so understanding about the guest's complaint that chips couldn't be served, stating that the chef doesn't stock frozen chips and probably wouldn't have had time to prepare some from fresh.

After explaining why chips were not on the menu, the hotel owner then promised to 'have a word with his wife' who was the manager on the day in question and was described by the guests as having a 'superior attitude'

The Peach and Quiet Hotel has a beautiful location in Barbados - but one customer was less than happy with their stay there

'Enjoy your meals in the B&Q cafe'

Peter Volans, who owns Brasserie Hudson Quay, in Middlesbrough, said he takes the decision to reply to negative reviews of his restaurant 'to give the public a balanced view'.

His list of counter-attacks includes telling one diner to 'enjoy the B&Q cafe instead' and another that they 'clearly had no concept of food quality'.

And after another diner said 'the whole experience has ruined our weekend and I will never return' he replied that their comments amounted to a 'rambling list of nonsensical grumbling'.

Peter Volans, who owns Brasserie Hudson Quay, in Middlesbrough, decided to respond to comments online

Mr Volans' reply to a diner who complained about the cost of water in his restaurant - telling them to enjoy their meals in the B&Q cafe

He offered this response to a restaurant user who complained about service

And after another diner said 'the whole experience has ruined our weekend and I will never return' Mr Volans said the review was a 'rambling list of nonsensical grumbling'

 'A shining example of a drunk person's view of the situation'

A bar owner hit back at a disgruntled wedding guest who complained on TripAdvisor about her experience, claiming that her review was a 'shining example of a drunk person's view of the situation'.

Samantha Cavens, 29, took to the review website to slam How Do You Do saying that her best friend's wedding reception was ruined by staff at the restaurant. 

She claimed that staff 'hurled abuse' at the bride and groom and that she was 'bitterly disappointed' when she was served only sandwiches and tea 'in lipstick-stained cups' for the meal.

Ms Cavens also claimed that bar staff had a 'lock-in' after kicking all wedding guests out. 

Bar owner Paul Bell, pictured left with the bar's co-owner Colin Curran (centre) and staff member Richard Maddison (right), has hit back at a disgruntled wedding party who complained on TripAdvisor

But the manager of the venue, in North Shields, Tyne and Wear, Paul Bell, was quick to challenge the customer, putting her stinging remarks down to alcohol.

In his response, which ran to nearly 1,000 words, Mr Bell said: 'The lock-in you talk about was in fact random strangers and at the request of the police were asked to remain in the bar for their own safety and security.

'I could go into more detail but I don't have time.

'This is a shining example of a drunk person's view of the situation. How wrong can you be?'

Mr Bell, who co-owns the restaurant and bar with Colin Curran, drafted his reply with Richard Maddison, a member of staff, and urged other businessmen to follow his example and reply to rants from 'mindless' critics. 

Samantha Cavens, 29, took to the review website to slam How Do You Do, claiming her best friend's wedding reception was ruined by staff who 'hurled abuse' at the bride and groom. Above: a copy of the review

In a 1,000-word response (pictured) Mr Bell challenged the customer. The complaint had described how 'afternoon tea descended into a drunken lock-in', with wedding guests kicked out of the bar in favour of 'random strangers'

'Here's why you weren't ripped off by our £2 hot water and lemon...'

A cafe manager hit back at a disgruntled customer who complained on TripAdvisor after she was charged £2 for a cup of hot water and lemon.

The customer, who uses the profile name Hannah C, took to review website to slam Bennett's Cafe & Bistro in York, saying the cost of her simple drink was 'ridiculous'.

She also claimed the waiter was 'rude' when she asked him to justify the cost, adding she would 'definitely not recommend' the cafe to others.

Dispute: Bennett's Cafe & Bistro, pictured, has been voted the 11th best restaurant in York on TripAdvisor

But the manager of Bennett's, which is rated as the 11th best restaurant in the city, was quick to challenge the customer, spelling out exactly why she had been charged £2.

The manager said she was sorry Hannah had felt 'ripped off' before justifying the price by breaking down the cost that had gone into providing the drink, including rent, staff wages and business rates.

'The cost of overheads for the business, i.e rent, business rates, electricity costs, bank charges, etc works out at £27.50 per hour of trading,' they wrote.

'I pay my colleagues a decent living wage and after taking into account holiday pay, national insurance and non-productive time prior to opening and after closing, the waiter who served you costs me £12.50 per hour.

'Therefore, together the cost is £40 per hour or 67p per minute, meaning that the cost of providing you with 2-3 minutes of service was £1.34 - £2.00.' 

Complaint: A customer using the profile name 'Hannah C' took to review website TripAdvisor to slam Bennett's Cafe & Bistro in York, saying being charged £2 for a cup of hot water with lemon was 'ridiculous'

Response: The manager said she was sorry Hannah had felt 'ripped off' before justifying the price by breaking down the cost that had gone into providing the drink, including rent, staff wages and business rates

'A twisted sense of reality and you felt my bottom'

Last year a customer complained on TripAdvisor about the 'attitude' of the manager at Cafe 52 in Aberdeen, but received a response that contained an accusation of bottom-feeling.

The reviewer was upset because the manager - Steve Bothwell - apparently didn't have any anti-septic wipes to hand after a colleague was cut by broken glass dropped by a waitress.

What's more, claimed the reviewer, no discounts were forthcoming 'as a gesture of good will'.

But Mr Bothwell was ready with a riposte. 

I wish to make a complaint: Café 52 (pictured) in Aberdeen was angrily accused of failing to provide antiseptic wipes or any discount after a customer was cut by broken glass dropped by a waitress

Each point is addressed by Steve Bothwell, the owner of Café 52 in Aberdeen after a customer left a negative review on TripAdvisor

He wrote: ‘Your colleague was tended to immediately and a drum of antiseptic wipes (contents 200) were put on the table and several wipes (better safe than sorry!) were used to treat the wound.

‘Thereafter a clean dry towel with crushed ice was put round the leg of the alleged victim (Just in case the leg swelled up to the size of Saturn, resulting in a lunar explosion).

‘The alleged victim was offered a choice of plasters, however we were out of “Does this plaster match my outfit” variety, so it was either skin coloured plasters or those bright blue ones. The skin tone plasters seemed to do the job.’

He added that the person who posted the review had a 'twisted sense of reality’. What's more, he claimed that the reviewer felt his bottom shortly before leaving.

The hilarious exchange on TripAdvisor followed the group’s visit to the £21.30-a-head restaurant last month, and also saw the diner sarcastically praised for a ‘remarkably creative piece of writing’. 

'You're not fit to pass judgement on a goldfish'

One fish and chip shop decided to individually respond to all its negative feedback in a hilariously brutal fashion.

The Pinnacles Fish and Chip Restaurant in Seahouses, Northumberland, has received mainly positive reviews on the travel website, with a four out of five star overall rating.

Pinnacles Fish and Chips has a four-star rating on TripAdvisor, and the management are keen to involve themselves in the reviewing process

This customer was not too happy after their visit to Pinnacles Fish and Chip Restaurant in Seahouses

And the negative review prompted the management to post this hilarious response on TripAdvisor

It is also rated as the eighth best restaurant in the coastal village and was nominated by celebrity TV chefs The Hairy Bikers as their favourite fish and chip shop in the whole country.

But TripAdvisor user Kingbee93 wrote that the drinks were served 'in a plastic cup like you're five'.

And Andy C described a staff member's attitude as 'unpleasant'.

This customer gave the restaurant a two-star rating - which caused some umbrage with the manager

The restaurant's public relations manager, under the username Tommycat1, defended the eatery, calling Kingbee93 'an obvious low life' and suggesting that Andy C had a 'persecution complex' and should stay 'away from social media for a period of five years'.

They then said reviewer Kingbee93 was 'not fit to pass judgement on a goldfish.' 

But the comments were described as 'tongue-in-cheek' by the restaurant's owner, Michael Armstrong, who said that Tommycat1 is a pseudonym, with the person behind it working part-time.

The comments may have been described as 'tongue in cheek' by the restaurant's owner, but they will still provide a chuckle

'I can only assume you have no tastebuds'

The sharp-tongued owner of an American-style diner has taken to leaving acerbic responses to negative reviews because she believes she is being targeted by jealous rival businesses.

Celena Collins, 50, fears her new Edinburgh establishment, Bruno's 7 to 7 Diner, is being 'nobbled' by rivals who are putting up bogus one-star reviews on TripAdvisor in order to sabotage her business.

The sharp-tongued owner of this American-style diner has taken to leaving acerbic responses to negative reviews on TripAdvisor

In one reply, Celena Collins makes the assumption that one customer 'has no tastebuds'

Celena Collins pulls no punches in her replies to people who leave reviews of her restaurant

Ms Collins, 50, has hit back at her 'deluded' critics with a series of barbed counter-attacks which have been shared on social media.

The owner of Bruno's 7 to 7 Diner, which is located in the Tollcross area of the city, has so far received 64 TripAdvisor reviews, 29 of them 'excellent' and 19 'terrible'.

Some of the attacks are more than 1,000 words long and describe her eaterie as 'unfriendly', 'tacky' and 'greasy'.

Celena (pictured) believes her diner has been deliberately targeted by customers leaving scathing reviews

One complained: 'Terrible management who argued and bullied both staff and customers...terrible menu...terrible food. Just don't bother. Many other quality restaurants nearby.'

Ms Collins hit back: 'We are a diner, not a restaurant. The clue is in the name.

'As regards to the food being greasy, overcooked, overpriced and unfulfilling, you are deluded.'