'I thought I'd end up in jail': Model who suffers from OCD had a compulsion to make lists detailing FOUR HUNDRED things she'd done wrong in a day

A model and writer with OCD grew up compiling lists of letters representing hundreds of things she'd done wrong in a day, which she would spend hours scouring.

Lily Bailey, 22, from London has had the condition for as long as she can remember and has written a book, Because We Are Bad: OCD and a Girl Lost in Thought, out this week, to shed light on the misunderstood condition. 

Growing up she suffered an obsession with being 'good' and would make lists of up to 400 perceived faults from scratching her nose to speaking too loudly every singly day.  

'My first memories of OCD are also my first memories. It was always there muddled in with everything,' Lily told FEMAIL.

Scroll down for video 

Lily Bailey, 22, from London who suffers from OCD grew up compiling lists of hundreds of things she'd done wrong in a day, which she would spend hours scouring

The model and writer has grappled with a lifelong obsession with appearing perfect and not wanting to do anything wrong 

'My obsession was always that I'd done something bad or that I might do something bad and I had different compulsions to deal with that. 

'I used to have problems sleeping so I'd repeat phrases like: "If your body needed to sleep it would sleep. If you can't sleep it's because you had enough sleep the night before".  

'I'd repeat them over and over but then that was keeping me awake.

'As a child I used to perform repetitive movements with my body, and would be checking switches and looking under the bed and so on. 

'I prayed very ritualistically because I thought I could stop bad things happening that way. 

'And I had lots of intrusive thoughts - uncomfortable, often really terrifying things that pop into your head that you desperately don't want.

Lily, pictured as a five-year-old says her first memories of childhood are also her first memories of OCD 

'But the more you want to not think them, the more you do, such as "I want that person to die". 

'As I got older, I learned it was a bit weird so I got much better at internalising it.

'I started to take anything I thought I had done that was bad and compile it into a large list often with hundreds of items on it a day, that had to be remembered and analysed over and over. I spent pretty much all of my waking time doing this stuff.

'Until I was 16 nobody realised. Because I was so centred around not being perceived as bad, I hid it so people thought I was a a good student with nice friends and a happy life.

'It was totally fixated on coming across as a good person that people liked.  

'When I was 14 my dad sat me down and said: "Are you bulimic because you disappear off to the toilet during meals?".

'I did disappear to the toilet all the time. Bathrooms around the country are little places of rest where you can curl up and hide from everyone. 

'I appeared really normal. Most of my friends are pretty shocked now that they know. 

'But the stress of just trying to act normal when is just exhausting. I've since met other sufferers who do the same.

'It's why a lot of people with OCD become isolated and don't want to leave the house. You want to be away from everything. 

Lily said that most of my friends are pretty shocked now that they know the extent of her OCD as she was so good at hiding her compulsions 

The model has had years of therapy to help her deal with her condition but has suffered relapses along the way 

What's interesting about it is that people who have it think their compulsions are useful. You need to respond to your obsessions with a compulsion and you think they are useful. 

'I used to have hundreds of letters representing things I'd done wrong that I'd go through when I was at boarding school. 

'The things I'd done wrong were very odd things. They could be to do with bodily functions or thoughts that come into your head that nobody else stops and things are abnormal. 

'Within a minute I could have four separate things come into your head. 

'Your tummy gurgles. Then you scratch your nose. 

'Someone walks past and you think: "Did my eyes glance at their bum?". 

'Someone asks a question and you think: "Did my voice sound really weird?"

'I'd write all these things down on a list with a letter to represent them: T for tummy, S for scratch, L for look and V for voice.

Lily as a child (left) with her sister Ella

Looking back Lily says her earliest memories of childhood are also of OCD

'The number you could have in a day is immense. 

'One letter could stand for hundreds of possible of things so I'd have to remember what it was and I could write down 300 to 400 letters a day. 

'Remembering what the letters stood for was the compulsion I had in response to the obsession I was bad. 

'When I went through the list I would make things either a green letter or a red letter. 

The model and writer says she believes it's possible to make a complete recovery from having OCD

The Londoner has gone through phases where she washes her hands compulsively and is left with raw painful skin 

'If it was a red I could forget about it because it wasn't something that bad. But if it was green I would have to carry it over to the next day so there could be 600 things to go through on my list.  

'Even if it took hours there would be a moment where I thought, "what a relief" because I would feel better. It's a bit like an addiction. 

'Cognitive behavioural therapy taught me it was the wrong way to deal with things.'

Lily said that one recurring fear was that she might harm a child, which is common among OCD sufferers. 

Friends and family were shocked when they learned the extent of Lily's condition as she did such a good job of keeping it hidden 

One of Lily's fears was that she would end up in jail after unwittingly committing a crime 

'Someone with OCD is not going to harm a child. They get totally caught up by that thought because it's so abhorrent to them.

'I know someone who was worried he would view indecent images of children at work and not remember it. 

'We live in a world where people are very sensitive about looking out for signs of child abuse, which is absolutely right.

'But knowing that gave me this fear - people are looking out for paedophiles all the time: what if I do something that makes someone mistakenly think I'm a paedophile? 

'Every time a child walked by I would think: "Did I look at that child in a weird way? And what if a street camera picked it up?

'Will I be taken to court? I thought I'd end up in jail.’

Lily's breaking point came when she was 16 years old and she realised she couldn't cope anymore. 

'I think I was just exhausted,' she said. 'You know when people have a really stressful job and they just burn out - I think that happened to me. 

'I was lying in bed and I thought: "I can't get up and do this again".

'I would dread waking up in the morning. Of course, it would start even before I got out of bed because stuff was happening in my head. 

Lily used to dread waking up in the morning because even moving her body in a certain way could trigger a compulsion 

Lily saw a therapist for a few years and is currently going through a positive period

'And even if I moved my arm in a certain way while I was lying there it could cause me to do a compulsion.  

'But it would get worse the minute I started interacting with people. 

'So I wouldn't get out of bed and I was sent home from boarding school. Although I actually had to fake a physical illness to get sent home. 

'When I went back, I had to see the GP and they referred me to a psychiatrist who explained what was happening. 

Lily's book, which is released this week, aims to raise awareness of the condition

'I couldn't believe it when they said it was OCD. I thought OCD was liking things to be alphabetised and straight.

Lily saw a therapist for a few years, but then she took a year off.

When she went to university, her condition returned with a vengeance and she found herself drinking heavily. 

'I was drinking a lot and it become a separate problem,' she admitted. 'I'd wake up in the morning and have a drink. I needed it to cope.  

Her condition got so bad she had to be hospitalised and she dropped out of her course. 

'The treatment journey for me has been long,' she explained. 

More recently Lily has experienced a relapse, but she said that writing her book helped as it gave her a focus and she believes that a full recovery is possible for her one day. 

'For about a year-and-a-half when I was writing the book I was really good,' she said. 'I do believe you can get better. 

'I was having a bad patch but in the past few weeks I've been quite good.

'Currently if I'm having a bad patch I still make lists. It's my thing and it has been since I was 12 or 13. But I do other stuff too. 

'I go through phases where I wash my hands a lot and I've had really sore, red skin from washing them so many times a day. 

'And I get worried the house is going to explode because a plug is left on.  

Lily said that there are lots of people who have OCD without even realising, even though it's ranked as the 10th most debilitating illness in the world. 

'I met a blind man with OCD recently and he told me: "If I could get rid of one thing I would get rid of the OCD because blindness if manageable.    

As a child Lily would pray compulsively and would lie awake reciting mantras about not being able to get to sleep 

After dealing with OCD for her whole life, Lily realises that many people don't even know they have a problem

Lily took up modelling, which she combines with a career as a writer, after friends suggested she try it and finds it a welcome distraction. 

'Often the best way to deal with OCD is to keep busy,' she said. 

Her book, which is released this week, aims to raise awareness of the condition. 

'Lives are lost to this thing,' she explained. 'And people spend so much time not knowing they have it. 

'I thought I was crazy and if people knew I had these bad thoughts I'd be locked up.'