From July 2015

30th July 2015

Eight Films That Failed To Be Peppa Pig

The Toddler has been watching new films. Mostly grudgingly, when Silly Mummy puts her foot down regarding the current Peppa Pig obsession.

Silly Mummy objects to Peppa Pig on a number of grounds. Firstly, There is only one season on Netflix. We are watching the same thirteen episodes repeatedly. Silly Mummy now suspects that this is where the superstitions surrounding the number thirteen actually originated: thirteen is unlucky if you are a parent with only one season of Peppa Pig.

Secondly, the theme tune. Oh, the theme tune! It haunts Silly Mummy’s dreams.

Thirdly, Peppa Pig sets a bad example. Splashing around in puddles constantly. Okay, probably not constantly. Constantly in this house (see complaint number one). Silly Mummy blames Peppa’s splashing for this demand from The Toddler during recent torrential rain: ‘Wellies on! Jump in puddle pool! Splash in puddle pool! Please, Mummy!’
Silly Mummy’s hair got wet, Peppa. Mummy Pig doesn’t have hair, does she, Peppa? Think you’d still be running about in the rain if she did, Peppa? No, you wouldn’t, Peppa.

Anyway, as Silly Mummy was saying, some films have also been watched. Therefore, welcome to the second edition of ‘guess what film The Toddler is talking about‘: the game you didn’t know you were playing. To keep things interesting/make things interesting/no, things are still not interesting, this time each clue is to a different film.

On with the game. Below are The Toddler’s insightful film reviews. Can you guess all the films? There will be a special commendation for anyone who can get number three. (Tip: You may want to think about the second half of films. The Toddler missed the first half of most of the films doing this: ‘No, don’t want this one! Want more Peppa Pig! More Peppa Pig, please! No, not watch this one! Turn it off! Want watch more Peppa Pig! Not this one!’)

1. ‘Yes, watch poo stinky.’

2. (The Toddler is dancing) Silly Mummy asks, ‘Are you being a monkey?’
‘No, not being a monkey…Look a mess! Make a mess!’

3. ‘Calm down, calm down.’

4. ‘Broomstick! Witch! Witch! The Toddler fly away! Ready steady go! Fly away! The Toddler can do it. The Toddler witch. Look: The Toddler has got a rabbit! Now The Toddler is doing something!’

5. ‘Wants to wear dressings. Wants to go to ball. Dance…[Name Removed]’s dress gone. Look! What’s wrong with [Name Removed]? Sad…Bib dob Bob dob doo!’

6. ‘Roar!’

7. ‘No, not racing. Not doing racing. Doing circles.’

8. ‘No can’t watch doggy woof woof. Turn it off! Want watch more Peppa Pig!’

With such obvious descriptions, Silly Mummy is sure no one needs them, but here are the answers.

1. Winnie The Pooh
The Toddler apparently got the wrong end of the stick when Silly Mummy said, ‘Are you watching Winnie the Pooh?’

2. The Jungle Book
The Toddler tried to copy Louie’s dancing during I Wanna Be Like You, but she was not being a monkey, okay? The Toddler was also apparently concerned about all the mess Louie was making. Who’s going to clean that up? Baloo?

3. Tangled
Rapunzel was crying. Obviously. What do you mean you didn’t get it?

4. Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Yes, the broomstick fishing rod came out. No, The Toddler did not magic any rabbits. But she was doing something.

5. Cinderella
Silly Mummy thought this one was quite a good description – and a fair rendition of Bibidi Babadi Bu – actually.

6. Monsters Inc
Because, you know, monsters roar.

7. Cars 2
They were not racing, they were just going in circles. Someone should employ The Toddler to commentate on Formula 1.

8. 101 Dalmatians
The Toddler only saw the first two minutes. She didn’t like it. It wasn’t Peppa Pig.

28th July 2015

Perfick: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things feature time again, and Silly Mummy would like to introduce her good friend* The Toddler.

(*See number 3.)

Here she is:

1. On Silly Mummy, positive reinforcement
Silly Mummy is busy putting some things away. The Toddler decides this sort of behaviour is to be encouraged. She decides to offer Silly Mummy some positive reinforcement: ‘Are you helping, Mummy? Oh good girl, Mummy!’

2. On The Baby, whether she’s okay
The Baby is in the cot in the nursery. Silly Mummy and The Toddler are in Silly Mummy’s bedroom. The Toddler declares, ‘Me look that The Baby okay.’ Off she wanders to the nursery, where she can be heard asking, ‘Are you okay, The Baby? Are you okay? The Baby, are you okay?’ Silly Mummy thinks The Toddler’s plan is to keep asking until The Baby can speak. Or learns to hammer out ‘yes, I’m okay, stop bloody asking’ in Morse Code on the cot bars.

3. On herself and Silly Mummy, good friends
The Toddler climbs up on the sofa next to Silly Mummy. She puts her arm around Silly Mummy, and announces, ‘Good friends.’

4. On the time, not being too early
Silly Mummy tells The Toddler it’s bath time. The Toddler says, ‘Do din din first.’ Silly Mummy explains that it is a bit too early for dinner. The Toddler is insistent: ‘No, have din din now.’
‘No, it’s a bit too early for dinner at the moment.’
‘No, not too early!’
‘It is. What time do you think it is?’
‘Um…later!’ Ah, an irrefutable argument: it’s not too early, it’s later.

5. On The Baby, administering discipline to
The Baby has been showing The Toddler affection in her usual manner: through the loving connection of little hand and hair (yes, pulling The Toddler’s hair). The Toddler is not happy. Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler that The Baby thinks she is playing, and doesn’t know that it hurts. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler that we say, ‘No, The Baby, don’t do that, please. That hurts.’ The Toddler marches back to The Baby. She says, ‘The Baby, say sorry! Say sorry, The Baby! Say sorry now!’ The Baby does not say sorry. Silly Mummy can see The Toddler gearing up to try and put The Baby on the naughty step. Silly Mummy explains to The Toddler that The Baby is too young to say sorry. Silly Mummy reiterates that we tell her, ‘No, don’t do that.’ The Toddler is impatient. She is well aware of how to handle these so-called babies, without Silly Mummy wittering on: ‘Shh, Mummy!’ She heads back to The Baby. The Baby has forgotten all about the previous events, and is babbling happily to herself. The Toddler addresses her: ‘The Baby, shh! No, don’t do it, The Baby! Don’t do it! Now go away! Go away now!’ Of course, by this point, The Baby has no idea what she is supposed to not do. However, The Toddler is amusing her, so she giggles and decides to not go away.

6. On Only Fools and Horses, upcoming appearance in
Silly Daddy has been changing The Toddler’s nappy. The Toddler’s verdict? ‘Perfick’. She says ‘perfick’ and calls everyone Dave: Silly Mummy expects the announcement of The Toddler’s debut appearance in Only Fools and Horses any day now.

7. On hide and seek
The Toddler has been refining her hide and seek technique. There are still some areas requiring work. She doesn’t, for example, consider it necessary to inform the other player that they should hide, or indeed that they are involved in a game of hide and seek. Furthermore, when The Toddler hides, she likes to find herself. She likes to ensure she has done this before the seeker reaches number one in their count. However, The Toddler has perfected her version of ‘coming, ready or not’: ‘Come get you, here me come!’

8. On herself, accepting responsibility
Silly Mummy and The Toddler are coming downstairs. The Toddler stumbles slightly. She says, ‘Sorry, Mummy: that’s my fault.’ How awfully polite. She would be rubbish in Lassie, though: ‘I seem to have fallen down a well. I do apologise. Don’t concern yourself: it was my bad.’

9. On Mummy, fixing it
The Baby has ripped a book. Silly Mummy gets the sellotape out and sets about completing the necessary repairs. The Toddler has some words of reassurance: ‘Don’t worry, Mummy: Mummy will fix it!’

10. On helping Mummy to fix it
As Mummy battles on to save the stricken book, all the while fending off the advances of a rabid baby, intent on taking further bites out of the casualty, The Toddler is offering further assistance: ‘Me help!’
Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can help: ‘Can you take The Baby away to play, please?’
The Toddler walks off: ‘No, not doing.’ Thank god you were here, The Toddler!

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

28th July 2015

Shh!

Silly Mummy has invented a new game. What is this game, I hear you ask. Has Silly Mummy been creating treasure hunts? Innovative sensory experiences? Educational word games? Mystery object bags? Well, there is a bag involved. Regular readers will be not at all surprised to hear that the bag is imaginary.

The Toddler is being a pickle. A noisy pickle. Silly Mummy calls her over: ‘The Toddler, come and look at Mummy’s bag.’ The Toddler wanders over and peers conscientiously at the empty spot where Silly Mummy is pointing. (It is worth noting that, after several episodes of imaginary items escalating out of all control (for example, here and also here), Silly Mummy appears to have created an Emperor’s New Clothes situation. The Toddler will always pretend to be able to see Silly Mummy’s latest invisible invention, just in case it does actually exist and all the cool people can see it.)

Silly Mummy is miming rooting around in the invisible bag: ‘Look, The Toddler, what’s this Mummy has here? Mummy has something here for you. Let Mummy just find it…ah, yes, here it is! Look: it’s SHH!’ Silly Mummy pulls the ‘shh’ finger out of the bag.
The Toddler is thrilled; she laughs hysterically and shouts, ‘Do more! Do more bag!’

Silly Mummy runs through the whole routine again. The Toddler finds it just as amusing. Who could possibly have anticipated that Silly Mummy would bring out another ‘shh’? The Toddler yells, ‘Again! Do more bag, please!’

Silly Mummy varies it a little: ‘Let’s see what else we’ve got in Mummy’s special bag. What do you think we might have in here?’
The Toddler is ever hopeful: ‘Raisins!’
Silly Mummy is rummaging through thin air: ‘Ooh, yes, it does look like we have a box of raisins here. Let’s just pull this out. Yes, look: a box of raisins!’ Silly Mummy holds an imaginary box of raisins aloft.
The Toddler shouts, ‘Raisins!’ (The Emperor’s New Raisins, clearly.)
Silly Mummy says, ‘Let’s just check in the box, shall we? Just have a look and make sure there’s definitely raisins in here. I’ll just open it up and…oh, no, it’s a box of shh!’ The Toddler falls about. Even the loss of imaginary raisins is funny when there are boxes of ‘shh’ around.

The Toddler wants to continue the game. We tell The Toddler to come and have a look inside the completely non-existent bag herself. She gamely has a pretend forage, and triumphantly pulls out…’Keys!’ The Toddler has not quite understood. Never mind: Silly Mummy can work with this. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler to bring over her imaginary keys: ‘I think those are the keys to this special invisible box Mummy has just found. I’ll just take them and see if they fit. Oh, look: they do! I’ll just open it up and see what’s inside this mystery box. Just open the lid here, and…oh! It’s a whole box of SHHHH!’ Obviously, this is the funniest thing ever. Even more obviously, the original purpose of the game has been somewhat lost. The Toddler is certainly not being quiet.

There you have it: the game of ‘shh’. A pointless endeavour for all the family!

Want to know how you can play this exciting and innovative game at home? Just follow the simple instructions below to create your very own bag of ‘shh’.

Firstly, you will need to make the bag for the ‘shh’. Given the entirely imaginary nature of the bag, you can quite literally make it out of anything. An imaginary sandwich bag and imaginary string would do a perfectly adequate imaginary job, but why imaginary limit yourself? Silly Mummy made her fetching imaginary bag out of a swatch of material from Albus Dumbledore’s robes, stitched together with fairy dust, and tied with a hair plucked from the tail of a unicorn.

Next, you will need to start collecting your left over ‘shh’s. If you don’t use ‘shh’s at home, don’t worry. Maybe a friend will have some ‘shh’s they aren’t using. Alternatively, supermarkets often collect unused ‘shh’s for customers to take when needed. If all else fails, you can buy packs of ‘shh’s on Amazon for a very reasonable price.

When you have enough ‘shh’s, simply put them into your bag. Be careful not to overfill. Tie the bag shut, and you are ready for the fun to begin.

Important disclaimer (please read before attempting any activities described by Silly Mummy): We’re all mad here.*
(…But the best people usually are.**)
*Lewis Carroll
**Lewis again, slightly mangled

21st July 2015

Calm Down: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Panda Roll up, roll up!* It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature.

(*When you reach number 10, you are going to be really impressed with the tie in. Well, maybe not really impressed. Mildly impressed. Mildly might still be overstating it. You’re going to think, ‘Oh. Yeah.’)

Silly Mummy gives you The Toddler:

1. On safety
The Toddler and The Baby are playing. The Toddler has decided to ensure that all the appropriate regulations are being followed. She makes The Baby aware of the priorities: ‘Safety first, The Baby.’ The Baby looks at her soft, squishy ball in confusion, and flings it in a safety conscious manner at The Toddler’s head.

2. On baby pandas, not cute
Silly Mummy is showing The Toddler a video of a baby panda playing with a ball. The Toddler is amused. The baby panda is very cute. He loves his ball. It’s all very cute. Doesn’t everyone find baby pandas cute? Silly Mummy says to The Toddler, ‘Is he cute?’
‘No, not cute.’ Okay, not everyone.

3. On Mummy’s hair
The Toddler is stroking Mummy’s hair: ‘This nice. Like it…Cut it off now?’ Well, that escalated quickly.

4. On herself, thinking…maybe
The Toddler has climbed onto Silly Mummy’s bed. Silly Mummy says, ‘What are you doing up there?’
The Toddler knows the answer to this, thus she is able to provide an assured and decisive response: ‘I’m thinking…No…Yes. Am thinking. Doing thinking now.’ Nothing like having to think about whether you’re thinking.

5. On Grandma, writing it
The Toddler is looking at a book of nursery rhymes. She is pointing at part of the inscription Grandma wrote for her inside the front cover: ‘What’s that say?’
Silly Mummy tells her, ‘That’s the date when Grandma wrote it.’
The Toddler is astounded: ‘Grandma wrote it? Grandma WROTE IT??’ The Toddler is either really impressed by anyone being able to write, or she now thinks Grandma wrote the whole book.

6. On Mummy, not saying that
The Toddler marches over to Silly Mummy with her hand extended, and demands, ‘Do nice to meet you.’
Silly Mummy holds out her own hand, and obediently says, ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘No, don’t say that, Mummy.’

7. On Daddy, being naughty
Silly Daddy has said something to The Toddler that she doesn’t like. She is now looking mutinous and muttering away under her breath: ‘Daddy, go away. Go away, being naughty.’

8. On calming down
The Toddler is lying on the bathmat after her bath. She suddenly says, ‘Calm down.’ Then: ‘Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, CALM DOWN!’ She is panting, giggling and rolling around. Silly Mummy doesn’t think The Toddler quite grasps the concept of calming down. Based on a comparison of The Toddler’s demeanour before and after calming herself down, Silly Mummy concludes that The Toddler has confused ‘calm’ and ‘rabid’.

9. On catch 22
The Toddler is getting up. Silly Mummy therefore inexplicably suggests getting dressed: ‘Let’s get The Toddler into some clothes.’
‘No, Mummy, stop being naughty! Am doing something! Am doing naughty!’ Well, quite. The Toddler cannot get dressed because she is busy. She is doing something. The something she is doing is being naughty. Why is she being naughty? Because she won’t get dressed. It’s toddler catch 22. Toddler catch 22 is very like any catch 22, but louder and more hysterical.

10. On the circus, flashbacks to
The Toddler is eating her dinner. She suddenly stops. She stares into the distance. She announces, ‘Went circus…With Grandma…And Daddy…Went clap, clap.’ She claps her hands. The Toddler returns to her dinner. The Toddler did go to the circus. With Grandma and Daddy. It was about a month ago. The Toddler is having circus flashbacks. You weren’t there, man! You don’t know!

(The Baby is funny too
The Baby is on a mission. She pulls herself up on her little lion walker, and marches over to Silly Mummy at quite a pace. The Baby looks at Silly Mummy, she bangs her little hand down on the handle of her walker for emphasis, and declares, ‘A raah rah! A raah rah! A yeah yeah yeah!’ Having made that quite clear, she nods with satisfaction, and marches off again.)

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 6: Get On It
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

20th July 2015

In Search of Picnic

The Toddler is living an imaginary life again. This time she’s picnicking.

The Toddler stands up purposefully. She announces, ‘Got nic nic! The Toddler go and get it!’ It’s news to Silly Mummy that The Toddler has a picnic, but off she goes to the kitchen, where she can be heard saying, ‘Daddy, where’s nic nic gone?’ Ah, it appears the picnic is missing, and The Toddler suspects foul play by Silly Daddy is to blame. Nothing to do with the non-existent nature of the picnic.

The Toddler is back in the living room, the picnic having failed to materialise (as is the want of entirely imaginary picnics). The Toddler, however, is not giving up just yet: ‘Mummy, The Toddler bringy nic nic in the fridge.’ Apparently, the picnic is now in the fridge. The Toddler heads back to the kitchen: ‘Daddy, nic nic in the fridge.’ Silly Daddy is no longer a suspect in the abduction of the picnic. Of course not: the picnic is safe and sound in the fridge. The Toddler is getting it.

The Toddler returns from the kitchen. Still sans picnic. In the circumstances (there is no picnic), this is not unexpected. Silly Mummy says, ‘Did you get it, darling?’
The Toddler is finally admitting picnic defeat: ‘No. Can’t get it. I’m not funny. The Toddler wants Peppa Pig.’

It is a little known point of social etiquette that, if you are ever in the embarrassing position of attending a picnic having forgotten the actual picnic, Peppa Pig is considered an acceptable substitute. As long as you admit that you are not funny.

19th July 2015

The Toddler Is Making Friends and Influencing People

The Toddler Is Making Friends The Toddler and Silly Mummy are early to a Saturday morning kids’ club, and are waiting for it to open. Being early has never happened to Silly Mummy and The Toddler before. There is confusion in the Silly camp about what should be done now. The Toddler has resorted to socialising. She has found a couple of other children: a girl of about six, and her little brother, who is around The Toddler’s age. We will call them Maisie and Jake (because those are not their names).

The Toddler has so far offered to kiss Maisie. Her offer has been politely declined. They are now playing hide and seek using one of those holiday scene boards with the holes to put your head in. Jake is wandering around in the vicinity. He is not playing hide and seek. He would like it to be known that any appearance he may make in the game is purely accidental, and no indication that he is playing hide and seek with the girls. He just wanted to walk there, okay?

During one such accidental appearance, Jake puts his head in one of the holes. The Toddler points at him: ‘What’s that?’ Jake appears unconcerned by the rudeness of this address. Nonetheless, Silly Mummy sets about reaffirming meet and greet etiquette to The Toddler: ‘We say “who’s that”, not “what’s that”, don’t we? If you want to know what someone is called, you ask them their name. Can you say “what’s your name”?’
The Toddler dutifully says, ‘What’s your name?’
Maisie helpfully supplies, ‘His name is Jake. Mine is Maisie.’

The Toddler considers this information…and rejects it.
‘No, not Maisie.’
Silly Mummy sighs. Further points of meet and greet etiquette need to be covered. Namely, whether you can refuse to accept somebody’s name. You can not.

No-Not-Maisie’s parents are sniggering in the background. Be advised, punctual people: this is exactly the sort of thing that happens when you go around being early to things. Say what you want about us tardy folk: you turn up late for everything, your children don’t have time to be disagreeing with people’s names.

16th July 2015

Give The Baby Back Her Pigas!

Give the Baby Back Her Pigas Technically, The Toddler and The Baby each have their own toys. Nevertheless, The Toddler can often be found grabbing The Baby’s toys. Purely in the interests of showing The Baby how they work, of course. The Toddler will just be over here, hiding from The Baby, showing her how her toys work. Sometimes, she actually does show The Baby: ‘Look, The Baby! Look this one!’

The Toddler likes to present The Baby with her toys, even if she can be found taking them away five minutes later. Every morning, when Silly Mummy gets out toys for The Baby, The Toddler bounds over: ‘The Baby’s play toys! The Toddler take!’ Silly Mummy piles them into her arms, and she staggers off: ‘Take it! I got it!’ She drops them on the floor: ‘Here go, The Baby! Play toys!’

Meanwhile, The Baby can usually be found chewing The Toddler’s toys. The Toddler is mostly quite tolerant of this: ‘Are you playing, The Baby? The Baby put it in mouth, Mummy! Likes that one!’ She will give The Baby toys she knows The Baby likes: ‘Here, The Baby, have this one.’

Not the doctor’s kit, though. The Baby is not allowed to play with The Toddler’s doctor’s kit. The Toddler won’t stand for that: ‘No, The baby, can’t eat that one! The Toddler’s! The Baby can’t like it! Give it back!’ (This is fair enough, really. The first thing they teach in medical school is that you can’t eat the stethoscopes.)

The Baby feels it is time for a little toy possessiveness of her own. The Baby is on Silly Mummy’s lap. The Toddler has picked up The Baby’s musical bell shaker. It has come to The Baby’s attention that The Toddler has her musical bell shaker. She is bouncing and pointing excitedly. Silly Mummy says, ‘Yes, that’s yours, isn’t it? What’s The Toddler got?’
The Baby scours her vocabulary of no words for the right word (not an easy task). She jabs her finger in The Toddler’s direction, and yells, ‘Pigas!’
Indeed. Give The Baby back her pigas, The Toddler!

14th July 2015

Get On It: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Get On It It’s week…something of our Ten Funniest Things feature, and the madness continues.

Check your sanity at the door, and join us for The Toddler:

1. On the cat, misbehaviour by
The cat has been very naughty. She has swiped at The Baby. In fairness, The Baby had been harassing her, but still. The cat has been shouted at and sent away. The Baby has cried for about ten seconds and forgotten it. The Toddler has asked, ‘What’s wrong, The Baby? Mummy, what’s wrong with The Baby?’ Silly Mummy has explained that the cat was naughty and gave The Baby a little scratch. Everyone has moved on. Later, Silly Mummy, The Toddler and The Baby are going out. The cat is sitting near the door. The Toddler decides that the cat needs to sit and think about what she has done a bit more while we are out. As we leave, The Toddler points at her and says sternly, ‘No, cat. Don’t stick The Baby, please. Naughty!’

2. On she ain’t heavy, she’s my toddler*
The Toddler is going for a nap. Silly Mummy picks her up to put her into bed. Since the last time Silly Mummy picked The Toddler up (two hours ago), The Toddler has been on her Mummy-Toddler Health and Safety Training. She now knows just how risky this activity is: ‘Mummy, don’t carry The Toddler! Too heavy.’
(*Almost a huge hit for The Hollies)

3. On pizza, liking it
The Toddler is having pizza for lunch. She has never had pizza for lunch before. Silly Mummy felt the mini pizza The Toddler ate the previous night for dinner was not sufficiently mini, hence some put aside for lunch. Silly Mummy informs The Toddler that she will be having pizza for lunch. The Toddler approves: ‘Ooh, Mummy, me like it!’ (Update: The Toddler refused to eat pizza for lunch.)

4. On the baby, definitely awake
The Baby has been asleep. She is now awake. She is demonstrating this by sitting on Silly Mummy’s lap, babbling. The Toddler, however, feels that the matter requires further clarification. She wanders over, puts her face in The Baby’s, and asks, ‘The Baby, awake?’ The Baby stares at her. The Toddler nods, ‘Yes. Wake.’
That clears that up, then.

5. On The Baby, polite relations with
The Baby is having a snack. The Toddler’s water is closer to hand than The Baby’s water. Silly Mummy asks, ‘Can The Baby have some of your water?’
The Toddler holds out her cup, and replies, ‘Yes. Of course.’ How awfully polite.

6. On doing…something
The Toddler is doing some colouring with her pencils. Silly Mummy calls over, ‘Are you okay, there, The Toddler?’
The Toddler says, ‘Yes, Mummy, doing…something.’

7. On off
The Toddler has a tendency to mix up ‘off’ and ‘on’. Usually, this results in her bringing over her already turned off torch and demanding, ‘Turn it off, please, Mummy!’ The Toddler and Daddy are talking to Grandma on Skype on Daddy’s phone. Grandma is mid-sentence when The Toddler loudly declares, ‘Turn Grandma off, please, Daddy!’ Well, that was rude! However, before Grandma takes The Toddler off her Christmas card list, it should be noted that Daddy’s phone screen had gone on to power save and turned black. We believe this to be a most unfortunate example of The Toddler’s off/on confusion: she actually wanted Grandma back on the phone.

8. On herself, getting on it
The Toddler is coming down the stairs. Silly Mummy tries to give her a hand. The Toddler confirms that she will be handling the situation for herself: ‘The Toddler get on it.’

9. On supermarket naughtiness
The Silly Family are in the supermarket. The Toddler, like so many of her kind, is unaware that supermarkets are not fun. She is tearing down the aisles, hollering. She has been asked by both Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy to stop running and, indeed, to stop shouting. She is now engaged in a stand-off with the Silly Parents, who are beckoning her sternly from the other end of an aisle. How to reconcile the desire to run and shout with the knowledge that these behaviours have been declared naughty? Easy. Careen down the aisle towards Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy, screaming, ‘Oh, that naughty!’ Yes, it was, The Toddler.

10. On binoculars, not being cameras
The Toddler is holding the binoculars from her little explorer set.
‘The Toddler’s camera!’
‘Binoculars, darling.’
‘Cheese!’
‘Those are binoculars, darling.’ The Toddler holds up the binoculars to the cat. They fail to take a picture of the cat.
‘Oh, The Toddler’s camera is broken!’
‘That’s because it’s binoculars, darling.’

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 5: Don’t Do It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

14th July 2015

Toddler Time

Toddler Time The Toddler has become obsessed with time. She already had a long-standing clock obsession, but that was entirely unrelated to any interest in the time. No, The Toddler simply liked to point at clocks and watches, shout ‘tick tock’, and demand the singing of ‘Hickory Dickory Dock’.

The Toddler mastered the concept of specific, named times some, well, time ago. She knows ‘brekkie time’. This is the time when The Toddler eats her breakfast. She knows ‘din din time’. This is the time when The Toddler eats her dinner. She knows ‘lunchtime’. This is the entire period between ‘brekkie’ and ‘din din’, during which The Toddler will say in a hopeful voice every ten minutes, ‘Lunchtime, Mummy! The Toddler is wanting lunchtime. Lunchtime now, please, Mummy.’ In essence, until now, The Toddler has been aware of time as a food-related concept.

(Incidentally, whilst on the topic of lunchtime, Silly Mummy’s greatest achievement as a mother? Convincing The Toddler that ‘lunchtime tidy up’ is not only an actual thing, but an actual fun thing. Silly Mummy announces it is lunchtime tidy up time, and The Toddler excitedly runs around the room picking up toys. Take that, Super Nanny. Silly Mummy expects to receive the Nobel Prize in Toddlers any day now…)

The Toddler also knows some time-related words. There is ‘soon’. The Toddler understands that ‘soon’ means lunchtime will be in exactly one second, and should therefore be immediately mentioned again to Silly Mummy. There is ‘later’, which means lunchtime will be in three seconds and, to be safe, should probably be immediately mentioned again to Silly Mummy. ‘Tomorrow’ is a word The Toddler knows denotes, ‘Ooh, brekkie!’ Then, of course, there is ‘now’. Now is often used when The Toddler is being asked to do something. She is aware it means do it so slowly it is not done until tomorrow: ‘Ooh, brekkie!’

These have been The Toddler’s dabblings in the concept of time. Until now. The new obsession. What time it actually is. So The Toddler now likes to ask about random times. Constantly.
‘What’s times it?’
‘It’s 7:20.’
‘Oh, okay, fine…What’s times it now?’
‘7:21.’
‘Oh, okay, fine.’ The Toddler wanders away. She reappears.
‘Mummy, what’s time now?’ Silly Mummy has been telling The Toddler the actual time, though fully aware that the answer ‘hippo blue sausage’ would also be met with a nod and an ‘okay, fine’.

Despite not having any clue what the numbers mean, The Toddler has evidently picked up on the fact that Silly Mummy’s answers to what time it is do frequently involve the use of numbers. It is lunchtime. The Toddler has been asking for lunchtime all morning. Therefore, Silly Mummy expects a yell of ‘lunchtime’ when she asks The Toddler, ‘Do you know what time it is?’
Instead, The Toddler pauses, ‘Er…yes. Time 1,2,3…7?’

13th July 2015

Ten (More) Things Silly Mummy Has Actually Said

Ten More Things

‘Don’t kiss the TV, please, The Toddler.’
‘That’s no way to react to being told you can’t help with poo.’
(In a field) ‘Maybe we won’t point out every piece of grass, The Toddler.’
‘The Baby needs to tell her face that she likes banana, doesn’t she?’
‘This is Mummy’s dinner, and Mummy doesn’t want it poking.’
(To The Toddler, who has noticed she can’t see her scribbles, after Silly Mummy fobbed her off with a toy syringe instead of a pen) ‘Well, it’s invisible writing because it’s a special syringe pen. It’s not really for writing, usually – it only writes for magic people.’
‘I don’t know where the toy knife is, The Toddler: will the toy spoon do? No? It has to be the knife? Why do we need to knock all towers over with a toy knife?’
‘Are you chatting on the baby wipe? Who did you call on the baby wipe? Oh it’s Daddy, is it?’
(To The Baby, who is trying to crawl away in order to avoid having her nappy changed) ‘Where do you think you’re going with your stinky bum, Great Escape? Are you making a break for it? Will you & your stinky bum be in Switzerland by dinner time?’
‘You can’t drink raisins with a straw.’

11th July 2015

Guess What Film The Toddler Is Talking About

Guess What Film The Toddler has taken a sudden interest in watching films. She has not, however, taken an interest in what films are actually called. The Toddler has developed a couple of alternative methods for identifying the film she wants to watch. The first is to point at random unrelated pictures on the TV, or indeed at the blank TV screen, and shout, ‘Want to watch that one! No, not that one! No! Want to watch the one.’ This method does not have a high success rate. The other method is offering descriptions of what she considers to be salient points of the film.

Having used her film description skills to successfully get her chosen film played, The Toddler will engage in random audio commentary, describing the select parts of the film that actually interest her. Were anyone to attempt to rely upon The Toddler’s audio commentary to understand the film, they may find that it almost entirely fails to describe what is happening, and has a few gaps. Often of an hour or so. (The Toddler is very busy: she can’t spend all day watching films. Who else is going to make the imaginary tea around here?)

With these concerns about The Toddler’s commitment to accurate commentary in mind, Silly Mummy now invites you to join us in a little game we have just invented, called ‘guess what film The Toddler is talking about’. Silly Mummy will provide a list of The Toddler’s comments and descriptions relating to the film. The answer will be revealed at the end. No cheating.

1. ‘Want to watch climby roof, do dance, please!’

2. ‘Look! Make up! Doing make up!’

3. ‘Horses going that way. Come back later. Oh, look: Friend pick poo up now. Stinky poo.’ (For the avoidance of any confusion, Silly Mummy would like to make it clear that there is no poo, picked up or otherwise, in the film. Last weekend, during a walk in an area with horses, The Toddler’s friend (who we have imaginatively called ‘Friend’) picked up poo. Clearly, The Toddler now considers it inevitable that, if she can see horses (even on film), Friend will be nearby picking up poo.)

4. ‘You hello? Ohh doggy! Woof woof.’

5. ‘Um dee um dee eye! Um dee um dee eye!’ (Clue: this is accompanied by manic dancing.)

6. ‘Tea cup! Look, Mummy: have tea cup! Oh naughty, Mummy! Been naughty!’

7. ‘Ooh stairs! Climby! Climby roof! Dancing! Doing dancing now. Mummy, dance! Get up, Mummy! Mummy, get up now! Do dance! The Baby do dance! Step…time! Step…time! Knees!’ (The Toddler is marching around the living room. The Baby is showing support by bouncing and nodding her head.)

8. ‘Watch Chitty Bang now! Want watch Chitty Bang now! Not this one now.’

Yes, you have probably all worked out by now, from the practically verbatim script, that The Toddler is talking about Mary Poppins.

For anyone who has never seen Mary Poppins, a few points of clarification.
1. This is actually a reasonable description.
2. Mary looks in a mirror.
3. The carousel horses leave the carousel (no one picks up poo).
4. There is a fox hunt.
5. ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay.’
6. They all get stuck on the ceiling as a result of laughing too much (obviously), and have a tea party there. Mary is unimpressed: they are naughty.
7. They run about on the rooftops, climb smoke stairs, and dance with chimney sweeps: ‘Kick your knees up, step in time’.
8. It is not compulsory to start watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang part way through. It is rumoured that Mary Poppins does, in fact, have an ending. Silly Mummy can not confirm this, but you may want to investigate.

Seriously, though, did anyone actually work out the film?

7th July 2015

Don’t Do It: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Don't Do It Time again for the weekly feature that is the wit and wisdom of a two year old. Namely, The Toddler.

Without further ado, here is the tiny lady herself:

1. On being melodramatic
Silly Mummy is committing the heinous crime of moving a stuffed toy half a metre. The Toddler is running behind Silly Mummy, making an Oscar bid in the category of Best Toddler in a Complete Overreaction: ‘Come back! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT!’

2. On non sequiturs
Silly Mummy comes downstairs with The Baby. The Toddler is eating breakfast, wearing a nappy and a headband. This sartorial combination seems worth commenting on, and Silly Mummy does: ‘Are you wearing your headband, The Toddler?’
‘Yes, The Toddler wearing headband. But Daddy going in car now.’ Um…okay?

3. On instructions, inconsistent
The Toddler wants Silly Mummy to build a tower. Silly Mummy is foolish enough to think she can choose where to sit. The Toddler puts an immediate stop to that: ‘No! Sit down there!’ She points. Silly Mummy sits exactly where The Toddler has specified, prompting the entirely understandable screech of, ‘Don’t sit down there!’

4. On herself, changing her mind
The Toddler bounds over to Silly Mummy clutching a plastic croissant from her toy breakfast set. She holds it out to Silly Mummy: ‘Croissant hold it.’ Silly Mummy accepts the croissant. The Toddler snatches it back: ‘The Toddler is need that one!’ Silly Mummy returns to her reading. The croissant is thrust in her face again: ‘Eat it!’ Silly Mummy takes the croissant and pretends to eat it. The Toddler yells, ‘No, can’t eat it! The Toddler is need that!’ Silly Mummy returns the croissant. The Toddler holds it out again: ‘Eat it mouthful!’ This is still going on.

5. On the stair-gate, really pinpointing the purpose of
The Toddler is trying to wrestle the stair-gate open. She is quite concerned by her lack of success: ‘The Toddler armpit*! Oh dear, The Toddler can’t do it! Can’t armpit gate, Mummy!’ It’s almost as if it was specifically designed so that she couldn’t open it.

*’Open it’, for those unfamiliar with The Toddler’s unique usage of the word ‘armpit’.

6. On Mummy, reassuring her
The Toddler’s favourite question of the week is, ‘What’s wrong?’ Silly Mummy trips.
‘What’s wrong, Mummy?
‘Just tripped up.’
‘Oh…Don’t worry, Mummy!’

7. On naughty steps, rhinos
The Lego dog has been naughty. He has been put on the Lego naughty step. Obviously. Silly Mummy is checking that The Toddler is applying the naughty step rules consistently, and the Lego dog knows why he has been naughty. In other words, Silly Mummy really wants to know what the Lego dog is alleged to have done. How naughty can a Lego dog be? Silly Mummy asks, ‘Have you told the dog why naughty step?’
‘Oh! Yes!’ The Toddler runs away. Silly Mummy and the Lego dog are confused. The Toddler returns with a stuffed rhino. She proceeds to make him a step and sit him on it. She looks pleased with herself. Silly Mummy gives her a quizzical look. The Toddler points: ‘Rhino step!’ Oh! She misheard: ‘why naughty step’ = ‘rhino step’.

8. On The Baby, getting rid of her
The Toddler tells Silly Mummy, ‘Put The Baby in car.’ Silly Mummy reminds The Toddler that the car is not here: Daddy has the car. The Toddler nods her agreement, ‘Yes…Put The Baby in car!’ Clearly, The Toddler is unconcerned with which car The Baby gets put in. Any car will do, but she’s not staying in the house.

9. On the backpack, what’s in it
Anyone familiar with the CBeebies programme Justin’s House will know about Mac the Explorer, and her backpack. For those who don’t know, they play a game where she shows them various items from her travels, whilst they all shout, ‘What’s in the backpack, Mac?’ The Toddler is obsessed with Justin’s House. She has gone to bed. All is quiet. Suddenly, over the baby monitor comes The Toddler’s voice: ‘What’s in the backpack? What’s in the backpack? WHAT’S IN THE BACKPACK?’ Quiet again.

10. On Daddy, victim of medical experiment
The Toddler has recently been given a toy doctor’s kit. She picks it up and extracts the scissors and the tweezers. She approaches Daddy, sitting on the sofa: ‘Daddy, go to sleep.’
Daddy is understandably suspicious: ‘Why does Daddy have to go to sleep?’
The Toddler puts on a reassuring voice and slightly psychotic expression: ‘Daddy, sleep. Go to sleep, please.’ There is now a stand-off. The Toddler, still brandishing medical implements, continues to insist that Daddy just go to sleep, no questions asked. Daddy is sensibly remaining awake. There will be no experiments on Daddy today. But one day, Daddy will fall asleep and, when that day comes, Toddler Frankenstein will be waiting. With her tweezers.

Other posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature
Week 1: Come On, Guys
Week 2: I’ll Tell You What, Mummy
Week 3: Think So, Mummy
Week 4: Your Emus
Week 6: Get On It
Week 7: Calm Down
Week 8: Perfick
Week 9: That’s Not Fair
Week 10: Silly Me

7th July 2015

Painting

The Toddler is painting. Apparently. She appears in front of Silly Mummy.
‘Want to help The Toddler paint?’
Well, this is intriguing. There are no paints out today. Nor any crayons, pencils or pens. All art related items are safely in the cupboard. Not even the aquadoodle mat or etch-a-sketch are available (both having been rejected by The Toddler as acceptable toys for the day). Obviously, Silly Mummy does want to help The Toddler paint, if only to find out what is going on.

Silly Mummy dutifully follows The Toddler to a carefully selected patch of the living room wall. The Toddler is holding a coaster from the coffee table and two plastic knives from her toy breakfast set. The Toddler holds out a knife to Silly Mummy, before swirling the other knife around the coaster and brushing it across the wall.
‘Painting! Mummy paint!’
Silly Mummy dabs the plastic knife on to the coaster, and proceeds to make patterns on the wall. The Toddler approves.
‘Good painting.’

The Baby is staring. She is probably wondering what on earth The Toddler and Silly Mummy think they are doing. The Toddler, however, has another interpretation.
‘The Baby wants to help paint.’
The Baby is handed a plastic knife.
‘Come on, The Baby, mix all the colours! Come on, The Baby, mix all the colours!’
The Baby is not mixing all the colours. The Baby is chewing the plastic knife/paintbrush.
‘The Baby is naughty! The Baby is naughty again! Mummy want to help The Toddler’s painting?’
It appears The Baby’s career as a painter is over. She has been fired. Her plastic knife/paintbrush is unceremoniously removed from her grasp, and handed to Silly Mummy. Silly Mummy is reinstated as The Toddler’s decorating assistant.

The Toddler has finished painting the wall, and is sorting out her painting equipment ready for the next area in need of a splash of colour.
‘Want brush. Paints. Want paints. Mix all the colours. The Toddler is making all the colours.’
She moves on to painting the TiVo box with her plastic knife. There is a suspicious smell emanating from her vicinity. Silly Mummy says, ‘Does The Toddler need her nappy changing?’
‘No! Painting! Want to paint.’

Silly Mummy feels she really must insist on the nappy being changed. The Toddler begrudgingly lies down on the mat. The coaster/paint palette is now a phone. Of course. The Toddler holds it to her ear.
‘Phone. Hello. No. Not. Okay. Painting. Doing painting.’
Having notified them of her activities, The Toddler abruptly hangs up on the unspecified person on the other end of the coaster.

The Toddler’s nappy is changed. The coaster/phone is a paint palette again. The TiVo is still only partially painted: The Toddler needs to get back to work.
‘Doing painting. Mix all the colours.’
As The Toddler keeps mixing all the colours, Silly Mummy can only assume the entire living room is being painted a rather fetching shade of imaginary brown.

Whilst painting on the living room walls using plastic knives and imaginary paint from a coaster may be the first sign of toddler madness, the key point here, as far as Silly Mummy is concerned, is that imaginary paint (even when brown) is just so much easier to clean off. In fact, The Toddler will do it. Now, let’s see, to remove imaginary brown paint applied from a coaster with a plastic knife? Why yes, she will simply need imaginary water applied from a magnifying glass with a plastic egg. And help from a confused baby assistant.

4th July 2015

Five and a Half Things The Baby Has Learnt from The Toddler

Five and a Half Things The Baby Has Learnt from The Toddler 1. There is a random object on her head. This is a ‘hat’
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a toddler in possession of a coaster must be in want of a baby’s head to put it on.* The Baby has learnt that a wide variety of objects will be placed on her head and declared a ‘hat’. In fact, the only requirement for objects that can be The Baby’s ‘hat’ is that they must not, under any circumstances, actually be a hat. The Baby smiles tolerantly whilst The Toddler puts a leaflet advertising pizza on her head and shouts, ‘The Baby hat on! Hippos away!’**

* To almost entirely misquote Jane Austen.
** ‘The sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hooray.’ Obviously.

2. Kiss…cuddle…aah
The Toddler loves to do kisses and cuddles. She has a routine: ‘Mummy, kiss, please…Cuggle…Aaahh!’ The Baby is a frequent, if not always willing, recipient of Toddler kisses and cuddles: ‘The Toddler is wanting give The Baby kiss.’ Sometimes, The Toddler will explain what they are doing: ‘Mummy, doing cuggles. Cuggles, The Baby.’ This is presumably just in case an inexperienced observer was to think The Toddler, now wrestling The Baby with an arm around her neck, was attempting to strangle a distressed infant. They’re cuddling, okay? The Baby may not always appreciate the kisses and cuddles, but she has paid attention to the routine. Now, when Silly Mummy asks The Baby for a kiss, The Baby opens her mouth and head butts Silly Mummy (still not quite got the hang of kisses), before putting her arms around Silly Mummy and saying, ‘Aaahh!’

3. It is naughty to eat the bin (and The Toddler is a bit of a grass)
The Baby’s favourite toy/lunch is the living room bin. Should The Baby be lucky enough to find someone has left the bin within her reach (yes, hiding the bin from The Baby is an actual thing around here), she will immediately attempt to get any item she finds in the bin, the bin bag and the bin itself into her mouth. Should The Baby succeed in engaging in this activity without Silly Mummy noticing, The Toddler alarm will activate: ‘No, The Baby! Naughty! Don’t, The Baby! Mummy! The Baby can’t eat the bin! The Baby naughty!’

4. She’s ‘it’
Due to some very irresponsible parenting, The Toddler has recently learnt about being ‘it’. She now likes to run up to people, smack them and yell, ‘It!’ She understands that she is supposed to run away from people threatening to make her ‘it’. The Baby does not know the rules of ‘it’. Nor can she run. As a result, The Baby can be found sitting on her bottom, smiling patiently, whilst The Toddler repeatedly whacks her on the arm and screams, ‘It!’ The Baby does not know what ‘it’ is, but she accepts that she is ‘it’.

5. Raisins are contraband (and delicious)
The Toddler has some raisins. The Toddler holds out a raisin to The Baby. Silly Mummy tells The Toddler not to give the raisins to The Baby. The Baby is having her own, more suitable, snack. (Read: more digestible snack. There was a raisin incident; Silly Mummy doesn’t want to talk about it.) The Toddler nods. No raisins for The Baby. Silly Mummy fetches The Baby’s snack. The Toddler and The Baby are now looking shifty.
‘Did you give The Baby a raisin?’
‘No.’
‘Has The Baby got a raisin?’
‘No.’
‘Is that a raisin in The Baby’s mouth?’
‘Yes. The Baby eating raisin.’

5 1/2. The Toddler loves her
The Toddler gave The Baby one of her raisins. Voluntarily. The Baby is very special.

1st July 2015

The Toddler Is in Residence: The Playhouse Is Closed to the Public

We are in a cafe with a children’s play area, which contains a little playhouse. The playhouse is empty. The Toddler marches over and commandeers it. For the war effort, you understand. Not that The Toddler is at war. But she will be if anyone tries to get in that playhouse. She is thinking ahead.

A rather brave/optimistic/clueless little boy approaches the house and attempts to enter. The Toddler pushes the door shut. This is her house now. She has a watering can and she is ready to defend her property.

Silly Mummy decides to utilise The Toddler’s love of inviting people in (to rooms, playpens, hallways, their own house). Silly Mummy says, ‘Can you let other people play too, please? Say, “Hello, please come in.” Okay?’
The Toddler nods, and dutifully approaches the little boy at the door: ‘Goodbye. See you soon.’
Not quite ‘please come in’, is it? Still, full marks for style and hutzpah.

After a brief period during which The Toddler is lured away from the playhouse with raisins, she is back in residence. In her absence, someone has tried to put the curtains back on the window. Those are coming down. They don’t match The Toddler’s watering can.

Some older girls try to enter the house. The Toddler (and her watering can) dispatch them. Silly Mummy has another word with The Toddler about sharing the playhouse: ‘Can you let other people come in and play too, if they want to?’ This time The Toddler is more amenable. Undeterred by the current lack of anyone wanting to enter the house, The Toddler yells, ‘Oh yes! Come on, people!’