BEL MOONEY: My husband broke my heart, but wants ME to comfort him

DEAR BEL 

Is it possible to grieve the loss of a marriage together? After 27 years, we are going to mediation on the way to divorce.

Last summer, my much-loved husband met a woman 19 years my junior and from another country — and within weeks he left me and moved her in to one of our rental apartments.

My husband gave no reason, notice or warning signs, he just left.

I was in shock and my heart was breaking. His girlfriend rang me at work and told me they are in love and he deserves to be happy. But I had no idea that he was unhappy — which I am now ashamed to admit.

How could I not have known the man I shared my life with didn’t want to share it with me any more? I asked him for how long he had been unhappy.

Days? Weeks? Years? But he just told me he was not unhappy with me.

What does that mean? I have been reading a lot of books on divorce and now understand the grief cycle — but is it OK to grieve together?

Do I need to grieve with my husband or grieve alone? What are the benefits and will it help both of us?

We have several businesses together and talk about our children, but when we actually see each other we both just break down and cry.

I didn’t know about these things, but now I’ve learnt that emotional pain needs to be acknowledged, expressed and released for the healing process to begin. His girlfriend does not like him talking about his past life because it makes her feel insecure — so he talks to me!

Is that strange? I haven’t felt angry yet. I am hurting, but is it odd for me not to be angry? I still love him, but know divorce is the correct route. I also accept my responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage.

He tells me our sex life was ‘vanilla’ and predictable, which maybe it was, but I liked it.

Then he tells me I am loyal, trustworthy, responsible, funny, sexy, honest and a lot more.

I will never understand how he could throw our marriage away.

CHRISTINA 

Believe me, Christina, there are many people who share the bewilder- ment expressed in each letter of your final, sad sentence. Oh, I have met them many times — and seen one in the mirror, too.

Last year, after an event where I talked about my last book, a woman in her 60s came to me with tears in her eyes.

She told me how bereft she’d felt since her husband traded her in for the cliched younger model. ‘Do you ever get over it?’ she asked.

All I could do was assure her she looked fantastic (she did) and that feelings do change over time — yes, even the most painful ones.

Yet words of comfort can sound easy and empty, which is why I hesitate here.

In your uncut letter you tell me that a year ago you read here of a similar situation (right to the detail of moving the foreign girlfriend into a shared business flat) — and the next thing you knew it was happening to you.

Of course, we never expect it and the shock sets you reeling. But it sounds as if you have mustered every ounce of wisdom and strength to try to make sense of what’s happened.

For that I really admire you. My answer to your direct question is: Yes, you can grieve together. That you can share weeping proves the strength of what you had.

Some readers will find this aspect strange, but I assure you I know exactly what it’s like to grieve for the loss of a long marriage with the very person who caused it.

Did your husband feel so miserable with you he actively wanted to end your life together? I very much doubt it. But was he broadsided by the thrill of a fresh (younger) body and a determined, manipulative female?

O f course. When he cries with you, is he acknowledging all he has chucked away? Perhaps he feels foolish for being in thrall and wants you to know he loves you still.

This week, BEL MOONEY advises one reader about whether she should support her husband who left her after meeting a woman 19 years younger

Who knows how often he lies awake wondering if he’s done the right thing? Who knows how long the passion will last — before he wakes beside a possessive henpecker who won’t allow him to speak of his adult children and past life?

The day may come when he understands what a destructive idiot he’s been — and weeps even more because it’s too late. You know, all the answers to life’s questions are not to be found in self-help books, even though so many are extremely good and useful.

I don’t want you to see your precious feelings as conforming to a pattern, so that you’re puzzled when you feel outside the norm.

Even though there are recognisable cycles of emotion, each unique soul will experience loss and its aftermath in a personal way. Perhaps you will never feel truly angry with him, but ultimately deem him deserving of nothing but pity. Wait and see — but try not to over-analyse.

What will ‘help’ both of you is to keep conversing, to comfort each other when needed, to acknowledge you have children who will go on needing you and to be strong in continuing to share the business — even if the woman objects.

Reading has taught you how the healing process can begin and I do believe (with a strong sense of sisterhood) that you are on the way.

I wish you strength and support from those you love.

Is a boyfriend sleepover wise at just 14? 

DEAR BEL 

I am writing to you for advice to pass on to my friend. Sadly, his wife died seven years ago, leaving him a single parent to a (now) 14-year-old daughter.

As he is heading towards 70, had one brother and went to a single-sex boarding school, a teenage daughter is a bit of an enigma to him.

He is a good dad, if a bit pernickety sometimes, but now finds himself with a dilemma.

His daughter has her first proper boyfriend, also 14, a nice lad.

This emotional ‘first love’ is causing her dad some anxiety.

The problem is that she insists on sleepovers, sometimes at his home, sometimes at hers. This happens most weekends.

They don’t share a bed, but she insists that her boyfriend sleeps on the floor in her bedroom.

Her dad is unhappy with this arrangement, but when he broaches the subject she flies off the handle, insists they aren’t having sex and that his lack of trust in her is insulting and upsetting.

He has started the ‘I was 14 once’ and ‘heat of the moment’ conversations, but she is adamant about the sleeping arrangements.

She is a good girl: she doesn’t drink or take drugs.

I can see her annoyance at not being trusted, but also know the situation is making her father unhappy.

He worries it will look bad if it gets out at school that he lets this happen.

She says it shouldn’t matter what other people think and that her dad should trust her.

He braved the ‘when the time is right’ conversation about contraception, but she took it as another sign of his lack of trust.

It was very difficult for him, but he did it because he loves her. Any advice?

PAM 

How I feel for your poor friend! I was 47 and very used to teenagers when my daughter reached 14 and it was still a total nightmare.

Whatever you do, they denounce you for not understanding them. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my tears flowing like an infinity pool.

So please give this brave man my sympathy — along with that of all those reading who have raised a teenager and have the scars to prove it.

But to be serious, we have to consider that this girl lost her mother when she was seven, that her friends at school will have mums to talk to and that these young people need to be respected as well as guided.

These terrific kids (and yes, I do believe that, just as I know my own were lovely, too!) are madly in love and their feelings might develop into something more.

Forewarned is forearmed. You don’t want to make a big thing of it, smashing at their feelings and their fun with a sledgehammer of suspicion. On the other hand, puberty brings natural, powerful urges and no one wants an unwanted pregnancy.

The issue of sexual behaviour is notoriously hard to tackle. I see no reason for routine disbelief when she protests they aren’t having sex now, but any savvy person will realise they soon will be.

The trouble is, now they have begun sleeping in the same room, it’s rather late to go back and stop the arrangement. In my opinion it shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but I know how impossible it is to reason with a 14-year-old.

I wonder if your friend has spoken to the boyfriend’s parents? Obviously his daughter will assure him they think it’s fine, but he should find out for himself. I think a quiet word with them is absolutely essential. Surely he can discover where they live and/or their phone number?

And what if the boy’s parents say: ‘Oh, we trust them so it’s fine’? Then your friend is in a difficult position, now the arrangement is already in place.

He could say he doesn’t like it but the boy can sleep over, as long as they ‘camp’ in the sitting room. This could be brought about by hiring a painter to redecorate her room, so she has to move out.

It could be made fun by buying a couple of camp beds (you can get them for around £20) and sleeping bags.

Of course, when they’re downstairs Dad might well come down late at night to make a cup of tea — that could make the whole situation feel less intimate than the bedroom. It’s just a thought.

But young people will have sex anywhere and everywhere when the moment comes, and her struggling father knows that.

Perhaps you, as a female friend, could gently make sure the daughter knows she can talk to you (or another older woman) whenever she needs to.

After all, this fledgling love could well end in tears (as so many loves do) and she and her father will need support.