Oysters with fennel? Yuk! I'll just have the grated gerbil...CHRISTOPHER STEVENS reviews last night's TV 

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 Yes Chef

Rating:

Cooking on TV is all about mad extravagance these days. It’s no longer enough on Bake Off to make mere cakes and bread — contestants must conjure palaces of choux pastry or they’re out on their ear.

And if you think you’ve a hope of progressing beyond the heats in MasterChef without grilling roadkill in 11 kinds of endangered herbs, you’re on a hiding to nothing.

But the taste for extreme ingredients took a lurch beyond revolting on Yes Chef (BBC1), the new afternoon cooking challenge, when Michelin-starred maestro Paul Ainsworth invited his amateur cooks to ‘have a bit of that “gerbil” and tell me what you think’.

Michelin-starred maestro Paul Ainsworth (pictured, with Sheree Murphy) invited his amateur cooks to ‘have a bit of that “gerbil”

The trialists were supposed to be making oysters in fennel, which had already put me off my tea. God hid oysters inside thick shells for a reason. They look like elephant phlegm. Was the dish supposed to contain grated rodent, too?

Actually, it was flavoured with ‘chervil’. Sounds the same, looks completely different — it’s one of those odd herbs again.

Yes Chef is a high-speed cookery competition, where one hopeful is eliminated every 15 minutes. They still get a big send-off, with teary hugs and slow-motion replays of their finest moments, which is ridiculous, since we barely know their names.

Each day, a winner is paired off with a professional chef, then on Friday the four duos stage a cook-off. Paul didn’t seem to be setting his sights high: his main aim, he said, was to find a partner who wouldn’t make a mess and get on his nerves.

He kept his advice basic, too. In the first round, as the home cooks served (sorry, ‘plated up’) their versions of chicken kiev and ribeye steak, his constant advice was to ‘add more salt’. This dish wasn’t salty enough, and a sprinkle of salt would bring out the flavours.

The last bloke to shovel around so much salt was probably working down a mine in Siberia.

But the contestants did as they were told and, by the end, their blood pressure must have been at powerhose levels.

There are not many tips to be gleaned from watching four people cook four whole meals in a few minutes. But Paul did give us a lesson in preparing an omelette, as he tested how good the contestants were at learning new skills.

Apparently, you don’t just beat three eggs in a bowl and check your emails for five minutes while they cook. You fry a dash of butter, add chopped onions and, when the eggs go in, you stir lightly with a spatula, before tossing in grated cheese.

Paul’s effort did look awfully runny. Frankly, I would prefer my rubbery omelette-a-la-email, though I’m not the one with a Michelin star.

 PUNISHING JOB OF THE NIGHT: Driver and bodyguard Mo, looking after three Chelsea children in a billionaire household on Too Posh To Parent (C4), was giving boxing lessons to the girls. As one landed a low blow, he yelped, ‘Not there! I need them!’ Mary Poppins never had to deal with that.

 Great British Menu

Rating:

There were five more Michelin chefs in Great British Menu (BBC2). You wonder whether there are any left in restaurant kitchens or if they’re all on telly.

If Yes Chef’s recipes were improbable, Great British Menu’s were preposterous — all with a royal theme to celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday. One chap served — blast, I mean ‘plated up’ — Parmesan-flavoured ice cream on a wooden radio that played Rule, Britannia when you wound it up.

Great British Menu judges Oliver Peyton, Prue Leith and Matthew Fort

Another did a ‘taster plate’ that was supposed to resemble the Crown Jewels, with brioche in a jewellery box and orange jelly gemstones. The third arranged dots of sauce on a rectangular white plate, like a telegram from Her Majesty. It looked as if the postman had sneezed on it.

To add to the silliness, the judge took one look at the lobster and shellfish on display and announced that she had a seafood allergy. So she had to call in a food taster.

This is another cookery contest that runs five days a week. Millions of viewers do love these highly technical culinary shows, though the appeal eludes me.

They seem to be an exercise in pretentious presentation and unlikely ingredients, prepared at baffling speed.

It might as well be three IT engineers assembling electronic equipment for all the sense it makes to non-specialists.

I will have another gerbil, though. They’re very moreish.