Olympic security? Call Eddie the Eagle
Ten years ago, ITV invited me to cast a sceptical eye over London’s plans to bid for the 2012 Olympics. I interviewed officials, athletes, veterans of the 1948 London Games, and Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards.
Older readers will remember Eddie as the true embodiment of the original Olympian tradition. He was an enthusiastic amateur ski jumper, who trained by sliding down a makeshift slope on the side of his coal shed.
Eddie’s dedication to his sport won him a shot at the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Canada, where — despite setting a new British record — he came last. Commentators observed that he didn’t so much jump as fall.
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Although he was Britain’s undisputed Number One ski jumper, he was also Britain’s only ski jumper — ranked 55th in the world.
So inept was his performance that the International Olympic Committee passed a new rule preventing anyone outside the top 50 from competing in future events. It became known as the ‘Eddie the Eagle’ rule.
Undeterred, Eddie went on to set a new world record for jumping over parked vehicles — ten buses and six cars. He was Evel Knievel on skis.
The British public loved him, and for a while he became something of a celebrity. We always embrace a gallant loser.
So when it came to seeking out informed opinion on whether London should pitch for the 2012 games, he was the obvious choice.
Record-breaker: Eddie set a new world record for jumping over parked vehicles: ten buses and six cars
Eddie’s enthusiasm was infectious, as were the hopes and dreams of the young athletes I met in East London. I regret to say that my critical faculties deserted me.
Despite my many misgivings about the expense and disruption the Games would bring, I concluded that, what the hell, we should go for it. I should have known better.
It is only now, two weeks away from the opening ceremony, that the true horror of London’s ‘success’ in winning the Olympics is beginning to dawn on us.
We are all familiar with the grotesque overspend, the Zil lanes for Olympics officials, the ransom demands of public transport workers and the totalitarian enforcement of sponsorship regulations. Parts of London are being turned into virtual no-go areas for no good reason.
When it comes to ‘security’, those responsible have managed to make Eddie the Eagle look like an Olympic legend right up there with Usain Bolt, Steve Redgrave and Jesse Owens.
So paranoid are the authorities about a potential terrorist attack that we have an aircraft carrier parked in the Thames and surface-to-air missiles installed on surrounding tower blocks.
Yet the actual on-site security has been sub-contracted out to a private company, G4S, with a reputation for incompetence and cost-cutting.
And, with a fortnight to go, they have just realised they haven’t got enough staff to go round. So they have embarked on a last-minute recruitment panic to fill the gap.
It has emerged that 3,300 bored teenagers are being entrusted with public safety at Olympic venues.
None of them has been comprehensively vetted. And spotty recruits have been seen listening to iPods instead of lectures, or fast asleep with their feet on their desks during training sessions.
Some of them have such a poor command of English that even if they are paying attention they can’t understand what they are being told.
So shambolic are the security arrangements that a number of ex-coppers hired for the duration have handed in their notice rather than be associated with what threatens to be a complete cock-up.
Incompetent: G4S, the company contracted to provide on-site security, has just realised they haven't got enough staff to go round
One retired police sergeant resigned because the company was ‘more interested in money than security’. The former Met officer, who spent 35 years in uniform, took up a security manager’s role with G4S in April, but walked out after just two days.
He said only one in ten people at his training session could speak English, and classes were overflowing with up to 80 people.
Few of them had ever had a job, let alone worked in security before.
Another trainee, who asked not to be named, said: ‘Some of the people on that course you would not hire to empty a dustbin. You are talking about really poorly educated, slovenly yobs.’
Yet after a few hours’ instruction these gormless, semi-literate youths will be expected to spot potential terrorists and operate sophisticated scanning equipment.
To make matters worse, the main entrance to the Olympic Park is accessible only through a crowded shopping centre, an enticing target for any would-be suicide bomber.
Yesterday, the Government was forced to draft in 3,500 troops to reinforce the security operations.
Chaos: The main entrance to the Olympic Park is accessible through giant shopping centre 'Westfield Stratford' - surely a massive security risk in itself
Many of these soldiers have just returned from the front line in Afghanistan and were looking forward to spending some time with their families, only to discover all leave has been cancelled. Others find themselves expected to undertake emergency security duties at the Olympics even though they have just been issued with redundancy notices.
Once again, ministers have turned to the poor bloody infantry at a time of crisis. Just as the Army is expected to cover for striking firemen, it is now called upon to make up for the inadequacies of a private security firm.
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In the Commons yesterday, Home Secretary Theresa May was forced to explain the reasons behind the Government’s decision to call in the troops.
Labour’s hatchet-faced sourpuss Yvette Balls-Cooper attempted to lay the blame for the fiasco at the feet of the Coalition, conveniently ignoring the fact that all the contracts for the Games were put in place during her own party’s time in office.
Still, if political point-scoring was an Olympic sport, Britain would win gold every time.
All we need now is someone to carry the torch at the opening ceremony who will truly reflect the Olympian levels of hopeless incompetence which have become the hallmark of modern Britain.
Yes, it’s time to send for Eddie the Eagle — always assuming he manages to make it through security.
Furniture factor: Real wood is a sign of true middle-class, apparently, while plastic chairs are considered naff
Jackboots Jacqui Smith turned up reviewing the papers on Sky this week. They were discussing a survey into what your garden furniture says about you.
Apparently, white plastic chairs are considered a bit naff. If you’re properly middle-class, you have either real wood or those powder-coated aluminium jobs. Jackboots revealed that her garden chairs are of the upwardly-mobile powder-coated variety. No mention, though, of the patio heater which she claimed was essential for her constituency work and put down on her parliamentary expenses.
I wonder why.
What do you have to do to get disqualified from claiming benefits these days?
Police in Southend arrested a couple who were having sex on the beach in full view of onlookers.
It was only 9.45am but Andrea Tretton and Martin Thomas had already been drinking heavily.
When they appeared in court, both pleaded guilty to outraging public decency.
But when magistrates considered giving them some unpaid community service as punishment, it was revealed they were both deemed to be unfit for work and were receiving disability living allowance.
That would be drunk and disabled, would it?
What’s Urdu for wasting money?
Government at every level spends millions on translating official documents into dozens of foreign languages, many of them scribble.
But Crawley Borough Council really takes the poppadom when it comes to wasting money on translation.
It spent £627 publishing just one housing newsletter in Urdu for the benefit of a single local resident.
Given that Urdu is the second most widely spoken language in Crawley after English, couldn’t they just have asked someone to read it out to them?
Incidentally, in Liverpool ‘Urdu’ is what they call a shampoo and set.
The famous Christian Louboutin heels, with a red sole
Here we go Looby Loo...
Do-It-Yourself stores are selling out of red paint as women try to turn their shoes into fake Christian Louboutins. Homebase reports a 40 per cent increase in sales of tester pots of shades such as ‘Flame’ and ‘Show Stopper’. It’s cheaper than forking out £600 for the real thing, I suppose. But is anyone fooled? And does anyone really care? I know there’s no accounting for madwomen, but who actually sees the soles of your shoes unless you’re standing on your head, or your feet are sticking out of a car window? If this catches on, I’m going to have to invent a whole new category — Here We Go Looby Louboutin.
I know there’s little stigma attached to being accused of a serious crime these days. But even so, you’d be inclined to keep your head down until it all blew over. Not so Vicky Pryce, who is due to stand trial along with her ex-husband Chris Huhne on a charge of perverting the course of justice. Vicky’s everywhere these days, much in demand on radio and TV as an expert on Greekonomics. Of course, she denies the offence and is innocent until proven guilty, but this case seems to have been dragging on for ages. Is it ever coming to court?
