Twickenham man feeling off-colour as panto season comes early for England

By Patrick Collins

PUBLISHED: 18:22 EST, 17 November 2012 | UPDATED: 12:11 EST, 18 November 2012

The last Australian drive yielded possession, the ball was lashed high into the West Stand, and the yellow shirts fell upon each other in boisterous celebration. A few yards away, heads were dropping, shoulders slumping and chins sinking into shirts of 'regal purple'. And as this tableau took shape, the sound of jeers came cutting through the November mist.

Twickenham Man was not happy. Defeat was one thing; defeat was no stranger, he could cope with that. But losing to Australia, particularly to an Australian side who had been beaten out of sight in Paris last weekend; that was hard to take. And losing haplessly and carelessly; that was even harder. Above all, losing in those colours.

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No mistake: Nick Cummins evades the attentions of Toby Flood to score Australia's opening try

'Regal purple' is a fashion disaster. Coupled with gold lettering on front and back, it reduced fierce and massive forwards to the stature of pantomime dames. Twickenham Man hated it. 

We shall not reproduce the various overheard descriptions, since they offend against taste and decency. Suffice to say they were emphatically expressed. 'D'you know, I wouldn't want our men to win in that bloody gear,' fumed an outraged patron. It was not true, of course, but several heads nodded their agreement. Somehow, this absurd piece of product placement added substantially to the air of discontent. England had been poor, their decision-making awry, their thinking sluggish, their handling erratic, their finishing inadequate. 

This was the autumn international they seemed most likely to win, certainly their supporters had carried an air of blissful confidence as they swarmed down Rugby Road.  England had done little to modify those expectations. Chris Ashton had given a number of chirpily optimistic interviews, expressing the solid hope that his barren run was about to end. In the event, he pushed his number of try-less matches into double figures. 

The assistant coach, Graham Rowntree, was even more confident: 'These (Southern Hemisphere) teams could come over to Europe and lose every other game, but if they beat England at Twickenham they will think it's been a successful  trip for them,' he declared.

Toby Flood

We must doubt that, say, New  Zealand would fly home in glory if their only touring success had been gained in south-west London. No, it was the kind of nonsense which can communicate itself to players, especially players who are ill-equipped to indulge in such delusions. For the truth was that England needed no distractions to their attempts to deal with a spirited Australian side. 

Of all the teams in world sport, Australia are possibly the last to be under-rated. Missing several important players and coming into the game in depressing form, they possess an inborn cussedness, a determination to be better than the sum of their parts.

That spirit remained unshaken through a first half in which they were unfortunate to fall behind to a dubious late try by Manu Tuilagi. For they knew that they had performed with authority, that their options had been sounder, their  execution more intelligent. Their competitive instincts told them that the tide would turn towards them. It was merely a mattter of time. At such moments, you can almost hear Twickenham worrying. Sweet Chariot is sung with a nervous edge, like a prayer offered up in a doubtful cause. Drink is taken thoughtfully, ruminatively, as if the worst is imminently expected. 

They were pleased to cheer the parade of Olympians at half-time. Now that was a genuine success. Marvellous summer; all those medals. And Australia were rubbish. If memory serves. Not so yesterday.

Triumphant: Australia's Nathan Sharpe lifts the Cook Cup

The penalties which Berrick Barnes struck early in the half gave his team first equality, then the lead. And they seemed to point to an unmistakeable conclusion. For a kind of panic had crept into the English game. The extravagant manner in which they declined kickable penalties had the air of bluster. Later, the coach Stuart Lancaster would argue, quite reasonably, that he had given his players responsibility and that he would not criticise them for exercising it. Yet the decisions were flawed, and they helped to ensure the outcome.

For the Aussies came home; strongly and, although by just six points, quite comfortably. England were left with the prospect of first South Africa, then New Zealand; just the kind of opponents you need when your own confidence is low, your selection problematical and your methods uncertain. 

Twickenham Man glared at the glittering scoreboard, then consoled himself with the announcement that there would be post-match karoake in the Scrum Bar. But the resentment still niggled away. A poor performance, a disappointing day. And those bloody awful colours! 

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