VIV GROSKOP: Kim Kardashian's saved us all... from being idiots like her
'Kim is a heroine for our age'
I admit it. I’m someone who struggles to keep up with the Kardashians. And for that I blame myself. I have failed to follow basic 21st Century etiquette and have not watched much of the TV reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, the principal aim of which is to ensure that you, er, keep up with the Kardashians.
I have not kept up. I was too busy valuing my sanity.
This week, though, we were all forced to keep up. And since seeing the news from Paris, where Kim Kardashian was robbed of £9million worth of jewels in the middle of the night, I realise that I have made a mistake. I have been missing out on something important: Kim is a heroine for our age.
I never thought I’d be thanking a woman who regularly poses with her boobs out in hotel bathrooms for rescuing womankind (and mankind, come to that). But these are strange times and our saviours come in the strangest of guises, even sometimes wearing almost no clothes at all.
How has Kim saved us? By demonstrating to the rest of us – and especially to anyone who ever thought about putting a lot of their life online – exactly how not to behave. Without meaning to, Kim has ended up as a one-woman safety warning for the internet era.
Kim has taught us all exactly how not to behave online - by showing our whole life
Give this woman an award. She has suffered so that others may be able to see their own folly.
Let’s be clear about the circumstances. Everyone deserves to be safe in their own home and, perhaps especially, safe in their own £10,000-a-night temporary Paris residence. Setting aside conspiracy theories, no one deserves to be the victim of a crime.
And it is also entirely possible, of course, that the thieves who targeted Kim are too busy to use Instagram and so didn’t see the picture she posted days before of the £3 million emerald-cut diamond ring her husband Kanye gave her recently to celebrate his latest deal with Adidas.
It’s possible, right? She may not have been directly targeted for this particular ring, which was engraved, by the way, with the word ‘Adidas’. Feel the romance, guys.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West seen at LAX airport in Los Angeles, California on their way to Paris in June 2016 with all their designer accessories
But even if the thieves didn’t see the advert for that particular piece of bling that went out to Kim’s 84.5 million followers, there are bazillions more photographs that show the lifestyle, the wealth and the fantasy of human existence being one long fashion party, seen through the most appropriately flattering filter.
The Kardashians, as an entity, represent something supposedly to be admired, envied and coveted. That is their whole reason for being. They keep nothing back. Not even a precious personal gift. (And certainly the most precious gift ever to be engraved with the name of an international sportswear manufacturer.)
This incident, then, is a cautionary tale. The total absence of privacy carries huge risks. And living your life so outwardly online is a defiance of common sense.
Kim Kardashian snapchat selfies during Paris fashion week
None of us will live that out on the same scale because we won’t have the burden of having 84.5 million followers.
But it’s a reminder of the fact that the internet makes us reveal stupid things about ourselves that we shouldn’t.
The most recent survey on attitudes to social media showed that a third of people have lost out on possible jobs because their prospective employers didn’t like what they found on their personal feeds.
A police officer stands guard at the entrance of a luxury residence on the Rue Tronchet in central Paris, France, where masked men robbed U.S. reality TV star Kim Kardashian West at gunpoint, stealing jewellery worth millions of dollars, police and her publicist said
I doubt Kim has to worry about that sort of thing. But in any case she has done us all a service. Check your privacy settings. Think before you post. Cultivate some mystique. And embrace the harmless online.
I love a cat video as much as the next timewaster. And I recently posted some Facebook pictures of the dilapidated Star Wars cupcakes I made as an example of the world’s most epic Bake Off fail. No one broke in to steal them.
The Kardashian Heist of 2016 is a warning against giving away too much of yourself – especially anything valuable. Because the thing is, if you fail to use common sense online, real life will always come and bite you in the digitally enhanced backside.
It’s strange but true: Victoria might be NORMAL!
Victoria Beckham has been giving a series of interviews to promote her new make-up line with Estée Lauder. So far, so predictable. And yet. She does suddenly sound as if she’s had a personality transplant for the better. Posh Spice, right, says she feels guilty about working, torn in different directions by her four children, fed up of the red carpet and embarrassed by her former love of PVC catsuits. If this continues, I may be forced to admit she seems like a decent, ordinary and – dare we say – fairly normal person. It can’t be true, surely?
Wearing a dress from her collection: Is Victoria Beckham more normal than we think?
A friend has what she calls ‘fat face’ syndrome. Her cheeks keep pressing against her mobile phone, cutting people off by accident while she’s talking to them. Now comes the financial analysts’ slightly more dangerous equivalent. ‘Fat finger’ error was named as a possible cause of a huge overnight trading blip this week. Just when we were supposed to be getting to grips with both Brexit and the obesity burden, the pound plummets thanks to some numpty’s bloated digit (presumably incriminatingly orange and encrusted with Wotsits residue). Paging Jamie Oliver. You’re needed in the money markets, mate. Bring carrots.
No more eggs for me, thanks
Oh, science – what have you done now? The University of Edinburgh has uncovered evidence that the human ovary may be able to grow new eggs in adulthood. Usually women are born with all the eggs they’re ever going to get and, once they’re gone, that’s your lot (these are the technical terms). Progress is all very well and it would be great if we could solve infertility. But the female reproductive lifespan becoming infinite? Sounds exhausting. And just when some of us were looking forward to shutting up shop. Thanks a lot.
Maye Musk, the 68-year-old model who says she’s being offered more work on the catwalk the older she gets
I’m very pleased for Maye Musk, the 68-year-old model who says she’s being offered more work on the catwalk the older she gets. She says she is enjoying a ‘greynaissance’, having just signed a new contract with the same model agency as supermodel Gisele. She is described as having an ‘avant-garde look’. This would appear to be fashion code for ‘being over 40 but not looking like Mrs Brown from Mrs Brown’s Boys’. Her secret? It can’t hurt having billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk for your son. I’m starting my kids’ training early. Next week’s pocket money is going straight into the facelift fund.
Rachel Johnson is away
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