‘F***ing idiot !’ Pompous control freak JP goes to war with Ollie Locke over Binky. Things turned ugly in the beautiful world of SW3 on Series 12 of Made In Chelsea, by Jim Shelley 

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Even the heated exchanges are traditionally trite and contrived on Made In Chelsea, like the relationships and everything else about it.

So it was a shock to see it erupt into something approaching real emotion.

Unfortunately, it was just not in a good way.

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He's back! The start of the show’s twelfth series saw things in the beautiful world of SW3 turn ugly and signalled that pompous bore and deranged control freak JP was back

The start of the show’s twelfth series saw things in the beautiful world of SW3 turn ugly and signalled that pompous bore and deranged control freak JP was back.

The opening episode culminated in a furious finale that saw Binky’s former boyfriend practically coming to blows with her protective best friend Ollie Locke, snapping ‘f***ing idiot’ as Ollie hurled his drink to the ground.

Admittedly, it was one the least macho fights ever seen on television, given that it was between two posh fops wearing blazers at a regatta arguing about a girl named Binky. It was less menacing than one involving any of the girls in fact.

But it suggested JP was both more boring and more unstable than when we had last seen him. He was frowning so hard the veins in his forehead were bulging, and his suntan flashing between brown and red - as if drinking so much Pimms had incited the posh version of Roid Rage.

Fuming: The opening episode culminated in a furious finale that saw Binky’s former boyfriend (right) practically coming to blows with her protective best friend Ollie Locke, snapping ‘f***ing idiot’ as Ollie (left) hurled his drink to the ground

Boring: But it suggested JP was both more boring and more unstable than when we had last seen him

It meant that just when we thought Series Twelve couldn’t be any different than the last few, it did. It was worse.

Otherwise of course, the storylines, plot devices, and dialogue were not so much predictable as identical - like Groundhog Hog with expensive handbags and Lovely Hair.

Toff the tiny toff and Country Life rock and roll photographer Olivia were still feuding over unlikely hunky stud, Francis Boule.

And Jamie Laing remained torn about who to believe – ‘best bud’ Alex Mytton or girlfriend Frankie Gaff who had confirmed her Single White Female psycho credentials by deferring a year at university so she could move in with Jamie.

Fighting: Admittedly, it was one the least macho fights ever seen on television, given that it was between two posh fops wearing blazers at a regatta arguing about a girl named Binky. It was less menacing than one involving any of the girls in fact

Fights: And Jamie Laing remained torn about who to believe – ‘best bud’ Alex Mytton or girlfriend Frankie Gaff who had confirmed her Single White Female psycho credentials by deferring a year at university so she could move in with Jamie

Why Laing didn’t just find out how Frankie had deceived him about Mytton by watching Made In Chelsea South Of France as we all had was anyone’s guess.

There have been some additions to this season.

Former regular characters Francis Boule, Oliver ‘Proudlock’ Proudlock, and Maxence will be making surprise returns – the latter only by Skype and, judging by this episode, purely to talk to Jess about who was blonder. We can also look forward to an appearance by Fredrik Ferrier and his Lovely Hair.

New characters introduced in Week One were all variations on the familiar type.

Hurtful act: Why Laing didn’t just find out how Frankie had deceived him about Mytton by watching Made In Chelsea South Of France as we all had was anyone’s guess

Back again: Former regular characters Francis Boule, Oliver ‘Proudlock’ Proudlock, and Maxence will be making surprise returns 

Emily Blackwell announced her arrival by asking: ‘are you guys going to the regatta?’

Julius revealed he was the first male member of the Cowdrey family not to play cricket for England, although I’m sure they feel just as proud that he is appearing on Made In Chelsea.

As for Akin he was not blonde but actually black – a pretty radical concept for a series set in London. In Series 87 they plan to add someone Asian, Indian, or from the North. On the other hand, he went to school with Alex Mytton and has a double-barrelled surname: Solanke-Caulker.

We wish him luck.

Hash it out: The plot devices remained the same. Proudlock told Jamie he should ‘probably meet up’ with Mytton to talk things through while Olivia told Alex to do the same thing with Jamie

Former friends: Alex and Jamie came to blows over the rumours surrounding them 

The plot devices remained the same. Proudlock told Jamie he should ‘probably meet up’ with Mytton to talk things through while Olivia told Alex to do the same thing with Jamie.

Sam said JP should see Binky, who said herself that she should see JP ‘at some point’ (ie, when it said so in the script).

Sure enough it wasn’t long before she did. This was despite confessing she didn’t know how she felt about JP’s incessant messaging over what her friend Louise Thompson referred to as ‘a curr-air.’

‘It’s so spice-air I ham getting a liddle sweat-air,’ Louise gasped.

Advice: Sam said JP should see Binky, who said herself that she should see JP ‘at some point’ (ie, when it said so in the script)

Reunion: The meeting point for Binky and JP’s reunion was, like all important rendezvous on MIC by Chelsea Bridge

The meeting point for Binky and JP’s reunion was, like all important rendezvous on MIC by Chelsea Bridge.

‘I have a little thing for you !’ JP droned, his romantic reference to the flower he was holding.

Like a pompous, English, version of the control freak in American Psycho, JP had shattered Binky’s inexplicable hopes of a romantic future with him at the end of the last series. This was when she persisted to defy his express INSTRUCTIONS forbidding her to go out drinking with her friends, go out at all, or be happy without him.

‘I feel that over the summer I’ve suddenly gone from a boy to a man,’ JP had told Jamie, which was the type of thing that boys not men say, and proof that he had just become a bigger prat.

Freak: Like a pompous, English, version of the control freak in American Psycho, JP had shattered Binky’s inexplicable hopes of a romantic future with him at the end of the last series. This was when she persisted to defy his express INSTRUCTIONS forbidding her to go out drinking with her friends, go out at all, or be happy without him

Can't take much more: Having stressed how much he’d changed, he instantly went ballistic when Binky mentioned that her friends had been saying she’d finally got over him and was like ‘the old Binky’ again (alcoholic Binky)

He didn’t just want them to get back together but settle down, live in a house in the country, and have children. Perfectly normal behaviour – at least for him...

Having stressed how much he’d changed, he instantly went ballistic when Binky mentioned that her friends had been saying she’d finally got over him and was like ‘the old Binky’ again (alcoholic Binky).

‘We weren’t happy,’ she reminded him.

‘Because so many other people were GETTING INVOLVED in our relationship !’ he blazed, referring to her friends. ‘Things will be SO MUCH DIFFERENT !’ he pleaded, so emotional he couldn’t even speak proper English.

Ollie didn’t have a great track record with relationships himself but even he could see straight through him.

Troubled: Ollie didn’t have a great track record with relationships himself but even he could see straight through him

Fuming: When JP heard about Ollie’s (perfectly rational) analysis, the showdown at the regatta was inevitable. (It was in the script)

‘I don’t think JP ever thought that you were going to move on,’ he told Binky. ‘He was thinking ‘I can get her back in a click.’ So now he’s saying he wants to have babies and the house in the country because he knows that’s what you’ve always wanted.’

When JP heard about Ollie’s (perfectly rational) analysis, the showdown at the regatta was inevitable. (It was in the script.)

‘What an AWFUL MINDSET to have !’ spluttered JP, the muscles in his neck throbbing so fiercely it looked as if his head would spin. ‘This is what’s FRUSTRATING me - the TRANSLATION !’ he cried, as if he was just misunderstood.

Pained: Binky was at the centre of the dramas as she groaned over dinner

Catching up: When Ollie suggested that JP should have been asking for Binky’s forgiveness, he erupted again

‘Or is it that here you have a guy who’s had his HEART BROKEN and needs a summer to HEAL himself? For the FIRST TIME I’m solid again pal. And I’m happy and I’ve found PEACE.’

To be honest he didn’t sound peaceful.

‘Stop saying ‘pal’ please ! It’s terribly annoying,’ tutted Ollie, rightly. ‘I don’t care about you. I care about her !’ he pointed out.

It was only JP that had no concept of this. Or that, apart from him, this was how everyone felt.

When Ollie suggested that JP should have been asking for Binky’s forgiveness, he erupted again.

‘Are you joking?! I got cheated on !’ he raged.

Angry: It was only JP that had no concept of this. Or that, apart from him, this was how everyone felt

Moving on? His narcissism and self-pity were almost scary and his dialogue deranged. Not how normal people talk at all but seemingly a result of watching too many terrible, sentimental, movies

Never mind that this was after he had dumped her...

‘Yes. Because of the same repetitive s**t that I went through!’ he wailed.

His narcissism and self-pity were almost scary and his dialogue deranged. Not how normal people talk at all but seemingly a result of watching too many terrible, sentimental, movies.

‘If I’ve lost the girl I LOVE, it’s something that I will have to live with for the rest of my LIFE !’ he cried, as if he were going to war with ISIS not with Ollie. ‘But right now I KNOW what it is I want ! And I will fight for it until the END ! Until she TELLS ME SHE DOESN’T WANT IT !’

Hopefully this will be next week...