Didn't get him up the aisle within three years? Your marriage could well be doomed, says this relationship expert

By Dr Pam Spurr
Updated: 03:26 EST, 5 July 2010

Perhaps, if cracks truly are appearing in Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall's marriage as reported in this paper last week, it has something to do with the fact the couple procrastinated for years before tying the knot?

Of course, if ever a couple had reasons to delay marriage, they did.

The country was enamoured of the late Princess Diana and it would have been foolhardy for Charles to allow his beloved Camilla to become the target of public wrath.

Add to this his alleged propensity to do things as he pleases and at his own pace, and the end result is years of dithering. in my experience as a relationship counsellor and psychologist, there's a golden window of opportunity in which to get married  -  between 18 months and three years after your first date. 

Delayed marriage: Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall procrastinated for years before tying the knot

If you've not walked down the aisle in that time, something may well be wrong with your relationship  -  and a belated wedding won't fix it.

Marry too early when you're still in the first throes of passion and you risk all the pitfalls of a whirlwind romance.

But leave it longer than three years and you risk disaster. Like most other things in life, courtships have a sell-by date.

The truth is that if, after three years, you want a wedding and your partner doesn't (or vice-versa) then something's wrong. And you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about how you both see your future.

It may be painful, which is why so many of us avoid the conversation in the first place. But if you shy away, the repercussions could be heartbreaking.

Missing this golden window to show your love and commitment to each other is not an uncommon phenomenon. Take the actress Calista Flockhart, who recently wed Harrison Ford after an eight-year courtship.

I'm sure the smile on her face on her wedding day showed she feels it's been worth the wait and, like any bride, she must have been fizzing with excitement. But at the risk of appearing a killjoy, I have to say I feel worried for her.

Let's face it, her bridegroom has not exactly come crashing in through the undergrowth like, well, Indiana Jones, has he? In fact, his progress to the altar has the speed of an elderly snail.

And while three-times-married Ford, 67, may love Flockhart, 45, this delay doesn't bode well for the couple's future.

So, what has been making Ford, who has four children from his previous marriages, drag his feet for so long? And  -  more importantly  -  what made him finally change his mind?

Has she crossed every hurdle in his mind? Or has she simply worn him down by sheer persistence? I have met many men and women who have missed the golden window of opportunity and are now picking up the pieces.

Tragically, many women waste precious time on a relationship that has led nowhere and, in their late 30s or early 40s, find themselves desperate for a baby and looking for a new partner.

Others put all the pressure they can muster on their man, have the wedding of their dreams and then find it turn to ashes because they haven't addressed the underlying problems that kept them from the altar in the first place.

If your partner is dragging his feet, I suspect it's down to one of the following reasons.

1. YOU ARE MRS RIGHT NOW, NOT MRS RIGHT

You may think he's the one. But he views the relationship purely as one of convenience. He loves you, the sex is fantastic and you offer him all the security he needs.

But it's only for the time being. He doesn't want to commit. You might be able to win him over, but you'll always know it wasn't his choice.

That's exactly what happened to Emma, a GP. She and James met when she was fresh out of medical school.

They bought a house together and Emma assumed they'd get married once their careers were established  -  James was setting up his own business.

But after four years, James still hadn't proposed. So Emma started dropping hints. Content with the way things were, but eager not to rock the boat, James never came clean  -  and Emma never asked him outright whether he wanted to marry her.

Instead, she set up scenarios to set the scene for a proposal. She arranged a romantic picnic on the riverbank, a trip to the ballet, and a weekend in Paris.

Putting his heart and soul into the business, he saw his relationship with Emma as convenient and fun. But because he was afraid of losing her, he finally took the bait and proposed.

Dragging his feet: After eight years, Harrison Ford finally married Calista Flockhart earlier this year

They'd been together seven years and Emma, then 34, was ecstatic. With the ring on her finger, she wanted to start a family. It was too much for James, 35.

'I never wanted to marry you,' he stormed one day. 'Why couldn't you be happy with the way things were?' It was the last straw. Emma filed for divorce  - 18 months after getting married.

In hindsight, she wishes she'd asked James sooner what his intentions were. 'I'd have saved myself pain and heartache,' she says.

2. THE INSECURITY ISSUE

There are couples where one has a deep fear of commitment. It's often down to insecurity.

Your partner may fear that while you say you love him warts and all, you haven't actually seen just how ugly those warts are. And if you knew, you'd run away. Or he might have been scarred by his parents' divorce and fears history repeating itself.

Anthony, a 35-year-old financial adviser, saw his parents split up when he was a child and vowed he'd never marry. But his girlfriend, Hannah, 32, a marketing director, had spent her life dreaming of a white wedding. Her parents were happily married.

It's what she wanted and she made no secret of it. Anthony was equally upfront that he'd never wed, but as the years passed and Hannah saw all her friends getting married, she became desperate.

They'd been together five years when Hannah gave Anthony an ultimatum. Marry me or leave. Terrified of losing her, Anthony proposed.

But as they said their vows, Hannah looked into his eyes and could read the reluctance. 'It soured everything,' she said. 'I'd got what I wanted on paper. But I wasn't happy and neither was he.'

Within 12 months their marriage was over. They couldn't get past the resentment they both felt.

3. SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

Some men  -  and women  -  find it difficult to make life-changing decisions. They need cast-iron proof it's for the best before they'll change job, move house and certainly before they'll get married.

Barbara is in this position. She has been with Paul for four years and he is using one excuse after another not to get married.

But, aged 34, Barbara wants a family and she deserves to know how committed Paul is. The only way she'll find out is by asking him to be honest.

4. THEY'RE PAST IT

Men can often feel they're too old. They've been there, done that, worn the T-shirt. Why go through it all again?

Harry, 54, a businessman with a grown child, thought he was too old to marry a second time. But Amanda, 41, still felt young enough to have a white wedding.

She had two children from a previous marriage and felt, for their sakes too, she should be in a committed relationship.

'I wanted to be a good role model to my daughter and show her that, if a man really loves you, he'll want to marry you,' she explains. Harry delayed for five years but last summer he proposed.

The wedding was everything Amanda had wanted, but very expensive. And it's a fact Harry refuses to let her forget.

'He reminds me constantly that he didn't want to get married,' says Amanda. 'The recession has hit his business. So he's bitter that we spent so much money on the wedding. Why should he be counting the cost of doing the right thing?'

5. WANTING TO STAY A BIG KID

There are others who dread giving up their independence. Take the case of Tanya, 31, a graphic designer. An adopted only child, she has always been independent and self-sufficient. She and Liam, a teacher, have been together six years.

Tanya loves him  -  but values her freedom. However, at 40 Liam would like to start a family and can't understand why Tanya is dragging her feet about marriage when she says she loves him. They have to be honest with each other before it's too late.

So, while I wish Ford and Flockhart luck, I hope they have been honest with each other about what's been keeping them from the altar these past eight years.

Dr Pam Spurr is author of How To Be a Happy Human: Ten Essential Principles To Change Your Life (JR Books, £9.99)

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