The most boring wedding in Walford’s history... Whitney married Lee without anything interesting happening. More proof that EastEnders is not like the old days, by JIM SHELLEY

• e-mail

Lee and Whitney’s wedding was a disaster. 

Not a calamity in the great EastEnders’ tradition – when the vicar would be interrupted by a geezer bursting into the church announcing he was the bride’s husband.

Or by the groom’s (pregnant) girlfriend scratching the bride’s eyes out. Or by a famous actress from the 80s having a cameo as the long-lost muvver of the happy couple and revealing that they were brother and sister.

Scroll down for video 

Dull: Lee and Whitney’s wedding was a disaster. Not a calamity in the great EastEnders’ tradition – when the vicar would be interrupted by a geezer bursting into the church

Happy days! Not any more. 

Lee and Whitney’s wedding contained no such bombshells.

No fights between jealous rivals (or Phil and Grant). No last-minute confessions about an affair with one of the neighbours (or Phil and Grant). 

No passionate/drunken wing-ding - either in the Vic or the church - between the best man and a bridesmaid. Not a hint that the bride might leave Lee at the altar, like a proper soap wedding. 

No nothing. Just a total damp, dull, squib... 

Borrrring: No passionate/drunken wing-ding - either in the Vic or the church - between the best man and a bridesmaid

Shirley didn’t finally find out that Kathy had been sampling Buster’s scallops. 

Aunt Babe didn’t kill Abi or meet with a nasty/fantastic accident herself. Grant didn’t make a surprise reappearance, unfortunately. 

The only semblance of any drama came when Lee suffered a momentary panic and stumbled over his vows. 

When he stalled again during his speech at the reception, Whitney’s bruvver Ryan stepped in and finished toasting the bride and how beautiful she looked – something bordering uncomfortably close to incest. 

This was the first sign that There Was Something Not Quite Right About Lee – namely his post-military storylines veering between depression and drinking were not remotely deserving of the audience’s sympathy. 

Darkness is coming: This was the first sign that There Was Something Not Quite Right About Lee – namely his post-military storylines veering between depression and drinking

In fact – as he had all week - Lee just generally drags us down. With his tiresome self-pity, piggy-eyed whining, and trembling bottom lip, he always looks about to start blubbing. 

For the wedding he was so pale Lee had more make-up on than Whitey, like a Cockney version of The Joker (only without the smile obviously). He fell into decline again during the ‘romantic’ slow dance back at the Vic. (Yes obviously, they had the reception in their own pub.)

‘It’s not about today,’ Whitney trilled, thrilled just to be wearing a tiara. ‘It’s about the next fifty years.’ 

No wonder Lee was depressed. 

Strangely it was Ben rather than Lee who was the star of the week, especially when he exploded in frustrated rage at the psychiatrist evaluating whether he was mentally fit to donate part of his liver to Phil. (No.) 

‘WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!’ Ben blazed. ‘THIS ISN’T ABOUT PAUL !’ 

Glam: For the wedding he was so pale Lee had more make-up on than Whitey, like a Cockney version of The Joker (only without the smile obviously)

Eventually he calmed down enough to apologise: ‘I’m not usually like that,’ although he is. Ben insisted his motive was EastEnders’ catch-all explanation: ‘my dad’s faaaaamily. 

This is what you do for faaaaaaamily. 

For the first time in my life I’m doing a completely good thing. I’ve stuffed some things up in my time’ (i.e. murder). 

‘Why was that?’ asked the shrink. Because he lives in Walford innit! Doesn’t he watch EastEnders? 

Either way, after so many heated episodes it seems the transplant is off. 

Fuming: Strangely it was Ben rather than Lee who was the star of the week, especially when he exploded in frustrated rage

Apart from the things that DIDN’T happen, the most note-worthy aspect of the wedding was who WASN’T there. 

Whitney’s maiden of honour (Lauren) and even her muvver (Bianca) ‘couldn’t make it’ having been struck down by the norovirus. ‘Bianca can’t get off the toilet,’ we learnt (TMI). 

Or the budget wouldn’t stretch to appearances by Jacqueline Jossa and Patsy Palmer, or any other former residents. 

There was no sign or barely a mention of Lee’s sister Nancy who had left to roam the globe with the mighty Tamwar. 

Lee’s squaddie pals were the only two ‘friends’ either he or Whitney had from the outside world, beyond the Walford Wall. 

Glamorous guests: Apart from the things that DIDN’T happen, the most note-worthy aspect of the wedding was who WASN’T there

To say the episode’s finale was an anti-climax would be an understatement, even though ‘an anti-climax’ was literally what it was. 

Lee spent his wedding night avoiding Whitney’s frisky hopes of consummating their marriage by pretending to be asleep. Yawn... 

The whole evening prompted one obvious question. 

Not ‘was Lee generally depressed or just worried about the debt with a loan shark?’ Or ‘why has Lee started wearing that trenchcoat and dressing as if he is a spy in the 1940s? 

And what IS this mystery ‘office’ job that the Carters see as so special but never actually talk about in any detail? On the night before their nuptials, as they sat on the bed Whitney was going to sleep in over at Stacey’s (to get away from Lee), Whitney excitedly told her ‘usband-to-be ‘I’ve got a little present for you.’ 

No, not that... It was a briefcase, the obvious gift for a young man working in an office – if we were living in the 1970s. No. 

Night night: Lee spent his wedding night avoiding Whitney’s frisky hopes of consummating their marriage by pretending to be asleep. Yawn...

The question we should be asking is: what the hell has happened to EastEnders? In times gone by, the writers would never have considered having a wedding where everything went horribly smoothly. 

Or where the week’s Dum-Dums arrived with one of the characters GOING TO SLEEP, or not in Lee’s case. 

Surely Sylvie could plunge her fangs into Aunt Babe’s jugular...

Just something. Anything. 

Shocking: The question we should be asking is: what the hell has happened to EastEnders? In times gone by, the writers would never have considered having a wedding like this 

Instead, Lee spent his final days of freedom being nagged by Johnny to tell Whitney about the loan, which you couldn’t help think wasn’t as calamitous as Lee, Johnny, or the writers thought. 

At one point his little bruvver reminded him how he had worshipped Lee when he was young, following him round everywhere. He still was. 

Johnny was like a cross between a nagging lawyer and a stalker, hovering in the background to make the same point: ’You’ve got to tell her the troof ! And you’ve got to do it before the wedding.’ 

Johnny urged Lee to approach his problems by using the admirable ancient philosophy: ‘What Would Danny Dyer Do?’ Lee’s deal with the loan sharks was just one of many pivotal, potentially exciting, events that we hadn’t actually seen. 

The homophobic assault on Ben Mitchell and Paul Coker supposedly took place in Soho, but this didn’t really explain why a major character being murdered didn’t feature in the show. 

Moving on: Instead, Lee spent his final days of freedom being nagged by Johnny to tell Whitney about the loan, which you couldn’t help think wasn’t as calamitous as Lee

Paul’s funeral took place off-camera, with viewers being restricted to hearing about Ben’s brave speech. Paul’s killers were eventually convicted without us seeing them being sentenced. After decades of being synonymous with misery, recently there has definitely been an alarming shift to a more up-beat approach. 

All of Pam Coker’s horror (and ours) at the discovery that Les had a predilection for dressing up in women’s clothing ultimately proved pointless when she actively encouraged him to do it. 

She even packed Christine a special suitcase as they merrily tootled off into the sunset, heading for Margate. Likewise, Sonia couldn’t have been more eager to abandon Rebecca for her dream life in, um, Kettering. 

Lee and Whitney’s wedding represented a double whammy – neither remotely dramatic or even an example of an unusually upbeat occasion. It all went swimmingly, until the end of the day. 

Whitney had slipped out of her wedding dress, bumping into Lee’s parents on the landing. ‘Oi oi !’ cheered Danny Dyer. ‘Looks like Lee’s in for a good night !’ 

Awkward... During her momentary absence, Lee’s spirits had seemingly plummeted. 

She returned to find him sprawled on the bed, apparently spark out. It was a fitting way to finish the worst wedding in EastEnders’ history: someone just lying there not doing anything. 

Perhaps that’s what the viewers should do too. Close our eyes and pretend that it’s not happening.

A dog's dinner: Lee and Whitney’s wedding represented a double whammy – neither remotely dramatic or even an example of an unusually upbeat occasion