Email-Gate: Scandal was in short supply - like everything else about Louise Thompson - when she ‘betrayed’ Ryan and contacted Alik Alfus on Made In Chelsea, by JIM SHELLEY 

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The big dramas on Made In Chelsea concerned the gripping condition of Louise’s rocky relationship with Ryan and Ollie’s split with Nick.

Frankly, they weren’t that gripping – or big. Nothing involving Louise Thompson is.

Don’t worry if you have no idea who these people are - Louise and Ollie that is, let alone their other halves.

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Tears: The big dramas on Made In Chelsea concerned the gripping condition of Louise’s rocky relationship with Ryan

Unless they follow MIC most of the country hasn’t heard of Louise Thompson or Ollie Locke, despite years starring in the series. While even viewers who do watch the show know nothing whatsoever about Nick and Ryan. 

They’re so insignificant they don’t even have surnames.

In the end, Ryan was still with Louise and Ollie had still dumped Nick. What do you mean it’s almost as if nothing actually happened?

This would be to overlook the incident that will go down in Made In Chelsea history as Email-Gate.

At the start of the episode, Lady Thompson was at pains to stress how happy she and Ryan X were.

Tight bond: At the start of the episode, Lady Thompson was at pains to stress how happy she and Ryan X were

Tension: It was because she felt so guilty about how she ended things with Alik (and not remotely because she was toying with old Alik’s affections) that she sent him an email -0 leaving Ryan distraught

‘Bink-air, hi ham definite-lair the most happ-air hi have ever been right how-now-brown-cow,’ little Louise told Binky, trying to sound as posh as the other gals.

She even revealed: ‘Ryan rilly rilly wants a babe-hair.’

This sounded scary, or kinky, but was actually referring to the concept of a Ryan Junior – someone even smaller than Louise.

There was a spoke in the wheel though – in the unsightly shape of Alik Alfus, Louise’s ex-boyfriend, New Yorker, and manufacturer of hideous leather waistcoats.

‘Hi kee-hee-heep thinking about Alik,’ Louise sighed. ‘Basical-air I felt so-ho-ho guilt-air about the way everything hended I just burst into tears in the shower.’

Confession: ‘Hi kee-hee-heep thinking about Alik,’ Louise sighed to Binky and Ollie

Guilt: ‘Basical-air I felt so-ho-ho guilt-air about the way everything hended I just burst into tears in the shower,’ she said

A horrible thought you’ll agree. She could have been washed down the plughole in the deluge.

It was because she felt so guilty (and not remotely because she was toying with old Alik’s affections) that she sent Alik an email. She then felt so guilty about the email she resolved to tell Ryan about it even though she knew ‘he is go-wing to freak art.’

‘I just wanted to mention something to you which isn’t bad,’ she started - a sentence which is always bad.

’I feel really scared talking about this but I don’t need to,’ she stuttered – which suggested she did.

‘I composed a message to Alik,’ she reflected loftily, as if she was in Downton Abbey rather than Made In Chelsea and she had sent a telegram rather than an email.

‘It was quite long,’ she continued digging. ‘I didn’t want him to be suffering. The idea that I’ve made someone really sad is really difficult.’

Candid: ‘I see it as a massive betrayal,’ Ryan later complained to JP during a rare night out for the boys on MIC

Outraged: Judging by JP’s reaction he was having flashbacks about how (in his mind) Binky had treated him in the same heartless, disobedient, manner

Struggling: Ryan said: 'As much as I love the girl I’m really struggling to let this one go. I’m packing up. Leaving. Getting my things out of the house. Removing myself from Louise’s life’

The message was clear: it was harder for HER than for Ryan.

‘Maybe because we’re in such a good place, it made me feel bad about how I ended things with my ex.’

This was certainly an ingenious way of spinning things: saying that it was basically Ryan’s own fault that she had contacted her ex-boyfriend because he had made her so ‘happ-air.’

‘You gave me your word that it was done, closed. You just opened it back up again,’ whined Ryan.

‘But we haff no-ho problem in hour relationship,’ Louise protested.

‘Well we do now,’ snarled Ryan. ‘Why do you have to f**k things up by getting in contact with him again?’

Painful: Nick’s plan to win back Ollie backfired rather horribly

Awkward date: ‘I just wanted to do something that would put a smile on your face,’ he simpered as Ollie looked unsurprisingly suicidal after Nick took him to the Emu Enclosure at Battersea Park

Our thoughts exactly...

‘I see it as a massive betrayal,’ Ryan later complained to JP during a rare night out for the boys on MIC.

Judging by JP’s reaction he was having flashbacks about how (in his mind) Binky had treated him in the same heartless, disobedient, manner. The veins in his neck began bulging and he started frowning furiously.

‘You can’t ALLOW something that small to AFFECT you,’ he concluded – which was pretty rich coming from JP.

Ryan was having none of it though.

‘As much as I love the girl I’m really struggling to let this one go. I’m packing up. Leaving. Getting my things out of the house. Removing myself from Louise’s life.’

Yes, we get the picture...

Closure: Eventually Ollie was forced to admit that there was more to it than his original explanation for wanting to split up – that Binky getting back together with JP had made him depressed (as it had us all)

Leaving for good: ‘The spark has gone,’ Ollie told Nick and walked away

Meanwhile, by complete coincidence, Louise was lamenting to Binky and Ollie: ‘This whole thing has erupted into something so big !’ - which it hadn’t.

‘I wish I’d never sent that stupid email.’

Binky and Ollie reassured her she shouldn’t have been so hard on herself. After all, it was in the script...

Even Louise’s shiniest, orange, smile failed to appease Ryan’s floppy-fringed angst.

‘Clear-lair hi did nort think hi wars go-wing to haffect you like this whore I would nort haff sent the eeeeeeee-mail,’ she stressed even though it was obviously not true.

‘How can you f**king think that?’ Ryan fumed. ‘You reduced me to tears over the same f**king issue not that long ago. I would never ever treat you that way.’

Group date: Earlier in the episode, Louise told Binky: ‘Bink-air, hi ham definite-lair the most happ-air hi have ever been right how-now-brown-cow'

Cheeky kiss: Binky and JP shared a quick smooch during the dinner date 

‘I don’t think that I treat you bardly !’ Louise objected, regally. ‘Haff hi given you any reason to think that I want to be-hee-hee back with my hex?’

The answer to this, unfortunately, was: ‘Yes.’

‘You said in Cannes: I’ve actually been thinking about being back in New York a lot,’ Ryan reminded her.

OK but apart from that, Louise argued.

‘I don’t know what to do from here,’ he stumbled, suggesting he had forgotten the script. ‘My head’s telling me to leave but I’m so in love with you I can’t allow myself to walk away from you.’

Going strong: Louise and Ryan shared a kiss before she broke the news to him 

Can't help it: When Louise confessed about contacting Alik, Ryan said: 'My head’s telling me to leave but I’m so in love with you I can’t allow myself to walk away from you’

And with that they kissed and made up. It was the end of Email-Gate - the most superficial scandal in the MIC history and the shortest, appropriately for Louise...

As for the episode’s other troubled romance, Nick’s plan backfired rather horribly.

‘I just wanted to do something that would put a smile on your face,’ he simpered as Ollie looked unsurprisingly suicidal after Nick took him to the Emu Enclosure at Battersea Park rather than, say, taking him up the Shard.

Eventually Ollie was forced to admit that there was more to it than his original explanation for wanting to split up – that Binky getting back together with JP had made him depressed (as it had us all).

‘The spark has gone,’ Ollie told Nick.

To be honest it was never there.

Back on! After the confrontation the couple kissed and made up

Back to normal: It was the end of Email-Gate - the most superficial scandal in the MIC history