From The Toddler

Friday Frolics – 28th October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: A Life Just Ordinary – Slightly Random X Factor Post. I don’t watch the X Factor, and here James reminds me why (but in a really entertaining way)! ‘My aunt’s milkman’s goldfish might not pull through’: it’s all about the back story, and James has hilariously nailed the winning formulas.

Emma’s favourite post: ‘The Secret Life of Baby – Dented Pride. This post had me chuckling because it really reminded me of all the times that the bollards and walls have driven into my car. Why does that always happen?’

 
Most Read Post

Absolutely Prabulous – Oops Files #22

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 7th October 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

The big news of the last day and a half for me is: I have a computer. I repeat I have a computer. It works and everything. I even wrote a post. This week, due to not having to do it on my phone, I will be able to see more than 1/10th of the linky at a time. It’s all very exciting.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Absolutely Prabulous – What Really Happened at the MAD Blog Awards 2016. Prabs hit the UK in her own inimitable style, and here is the hilarious account. Passport issues, visible bras, removal from public transport against her will, and inadvertant pranking of the knock on a door and hide behind a bush kind – it’s all there!

Claire’s favourite post: Twicemicrowaved Tea – Bake Off? I Can Do That! I always feel a sense of solidarity when someone has a Pinterest fail. Karen’s final cake looked awesome, but it took some blood, sweat and tears!’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘You the Daddy – Paternity Leave: A Mr Men Guide for New Dads. This Mr Men guide is inspired. A must read for all new dads. In fact the NHS needs to be giving this out with those Bounty packs in the hospital. I might not have a newborn but I could do with a Mr Maid to help me out!’

 
Most Read Post

Mummy Muckups – Mummy Bloggers Over?

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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French for Beginners: Toddler Edition

eiffel-tower-1064991_1280Remember the French textbooks from school? The ones filled with all the useful phrases? Where is the bank? Is there a swimming pool near here? Useful as long as you planned to spend your time in France searching for a bank to fund your swimming habits.

Well, it has occurred to me that what I didn’t learn in five years of French were any of the vital phrases one would need to travel in France with a toddler. How would one cope? Find the bank? As if parents have any money. Go swimming? With a toddler? Do we have to?

So, for all those other toddler parents out there worried about these glaring gaps in their French knowledge, here is my exclusive, never-to-be-published, textbook: French for Beginners With Additions for Owners of Toddlers.

 
 
 
1. ABOUT ME

 
Standard Version

 
I am called…

Je m’appelle…

 
I have brown hair.

J’ai les chevaux brun.

 
I have one sister.

J’ai une soeur.

 
I like cats.

J’aime les chats.

 
I hate parsnips.

Je deteste panais.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I am called MUUUUMMMMYY!

Je m’appelle MAAAAMMMAAANN!

 
I am younger than I look.

Je suis plus jeune que je regarde.

 
I like sleep.

J’aime dormir.

 
I hate Peppa Pig.

Je deteste Peppa Pig.

 
I have two toddlers. Help.

J’ai deux bambins. Aidez-moi.

 
 
 
2. CLOTHING

 
Standard Version

 
I am wearing a jumper and a skirt.

Je porte un pull et une jupe.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
My toddler is wearing a tutu, a dressing gown, Wellington boots and a Batman cape.

Mon bambin est vetu d’un tutu, une robe de chambre, bottes et une cape de Batman.

 
 
 
3. COMMUNICATING

 
Standard Version

 
Do you speak English?

Parlez-vous Anglais?

 
I don’t know.

Je ne sais pas.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
Do you speak Teletubby?

Parlez-vous Teletubby?

 
I don’t bloody know.

Je ne bloody sais pas.

 
 
 
4. NUMBERS

 
Standard Version

 
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.

 
 
Toddler version

 
One, two, three, four, five, six, se…why won’t you say seven? What’s wrong with seven?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, se…pourquoi ne vous dire sept? Ce qui ne vas pas avec sept?

 
 
 
5. COLOURS

 
Standard Version

 
The cat is black.

Le chat est noir.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
The cat is…green! My god, why is the cat green?

Le chat est…vert! Mon dieu, pourquoi le chat est-il vert?

 
 
 
6. STAYING IN THE HOTEL

 
Standard Version

 
I would like a room with a big bed.

Je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit.

 
Is breakfast included?

Le petit dejeuner est-il inclus?

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I would like a room with a big bed. For the toddler to sprawl across. And a travel cot for me.

Je voudrais une chamber avec un grand lit. Pour le bambin a l’etalement sur. Et un lit voyage pour moi.

 
Is jam included?

Est confiture inclus?

 
 
 
7. GETTING AROUND

 
Standard Version

 
Where is the bank?

Ou est la banque?

 
Have you seen a bank near here?

Avez-vous vu une banque pres d’ici?

 
I seem to be lost.

Je semble etre perdu.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
Where is the toddler?

Ou est le bambin?

 
Have you seen a toddler near here?

Avez-vous vu un bambin pres d’ici?

 
I seem to have lost a toddler.

Je semble avoir perdu un bambin.

 
Where is the bank? I need to buy a toddler. Came with one, leaving with one.

Ou est la banque? Je besoin d’acheter un bambin. Est venu avec un, laissant un.

 
 
 
8. EMERGENCIES

 
Standard Version

 
I need to see a doctor.

J’ai besoin de voir un medecin.

 
 
Toddler Version

 
I need to see a doctor who specialises in lego extraction.

J’ai besoin de voir un medecin qui se specialise dans l’extraction de lego.

 
 
 

(Apologies to all fluent French speakers for the French, which is almost certainly only vaguely French. Blame my school – they only taught me how to find the bloody bank on my way to the swimming pool.)

Friday Frolics – 30th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

I am still sans computer, therefore continued apologies for all slowness and failures and also, this week, for linking up an old post.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Twin Pickle – Baby Essentials for the Zombie Apocalypse. Excellent practical tips for surviving a zombie apocalypse with little ones in tow. Have to say, I think my toddlers could be kind of useful – if you told them the zombies had their balloon, they would take out more zombies than Andrew Lincoln has on his very best day!

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Four Princesses & The Cheese – Tooth Fairy. I’m new to Kirsten’s blog, but I love her writing style and sense of humour. This post really made me giggle.’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘And Another 10 Things – Number 11 Join My PENIS Campaign. I loved this post as it pokes fun at every blogger’s nightmare, commentators (and people in general) who take themselves too seriously and miss the joke! You know the ones, they are often seen on the Mumsnet Facebook threads; under the Huffington Post articles or even on The Daily Fail. I have had my fair share! The most memorable was ‘Fred Bare’ who was outraged at my tongue in cheek article on nudist restaurants. Fred this is for you. ‘

 
Most Read Post

Mummyshire – Learning a Musical Instrument

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 23rd September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

My computer has died this week and I am stuck trying to do everything on my phone, which does not allow me to do everything that needs to be done and takes ten times as long. Apologies for late comments, and any problems with this or other posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Coffee and Bubbles – Double Trouble. What to expect from a mini break with two toddlers, perfectly and hilariously explained. And from now on, when my toddlers tantrum in the supermarket, I will be looking to see if the other customers are heading en masse for the condom aisle.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Just Saying Mum – What Will Those Teen Years Be Like. I’m kind of in denial that my boys are going to one day become teenagers. But the lovely Helen is making me think about what it might be like with her brilliant new series. I laughed and nodded like the Churchill dog when reading Mother Pukka’s answers. Please do check out Helen’s series.’

Emma’s favourite post:
Squirmy Popple – I am Failing at Adulthood. I am someone who routinely feels like she is failing at adulthood! Therefore, I loved this post. The list of reasons for failing at adulthood made me laugh, I also felt very relieved that I am not the only one with very untidy drawers. I mean who has time to fold clothes?! As for the iron, what’s that?’

 
Most Read Post

Tales from Mamaville – An Ode to Wet Wipes

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 16th September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up their funny posts last week. We had a fantastic selection of giggle-worthy posts.

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Rhyming With Wine – (Not) Baking With Children. In a clever and hilarious rhyme, Dawn becomes another convert to the NEVER bake with small children club. Welcome to the club, Dawn: it’s nice here, nothing is covered in flour.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘Utterly Feral – Our Weekend With a Three Year Old Dictator. You know when you really shouldn’t laugh at someone’s else’s misfortune but you just can’t help it…’

Emma’s favourite post: ‘Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina. This made me laugh out of sheer relief! Relief that so far I have not had to answer any tricky questions about the birds and the bees, and relief that I am not the only one who is unsure about what to do with the word ‘vagina’. If only the creators of Peppa Pig could help us! I for one would welcome a sex ed version of the series. The one where Daddy Pig gets porky with Mummy Pig, and we all learn about how that annoying George was created!’

 
Most Read Post

Very popular this week, once more it’s:
Coffee and Bubbles – V for Vagina

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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Friday Frolics – 2nd September 2016

Welcome to Friday Frolics, the linky with the giggles. Friday Frolics is hosted by myself, Claire at Life, Love and Dirty Dishes, and Emma at Island Living 365. It’s the place to link up your funny posts and snort your tea whilst enjoying some others.

Thank you so much to everyone who linked up last week, and welcome back to Emma following her holidays!

Just a little gentle reminder this week: please remember that this linky is specifically for humorous posts, please remember to add the badge to your posts, and please remember to comment on the hosts’ posts and at least one other post for each post you link up. Thank you for your co-operation. And also, of course, a big thanks to the majority of linkers, who already follow the rules perfectly every week!

 
Friday Favourites

My favourite post from last week: Turning Up in Devon – Turning Up in France. Hillie’s off to France, hilariously discovering the limitations of GCSE French and the innate rudeness of French words, and chasing down the Pan Van Man, all with the assistance of Google.

Claire’s favourite post: ‘What Mum Should Have Told Me – The Tantrum Tales: Episode 3. After linking up my holiday post last week which included a story about the time I forgot “Bear”, Alison’s post made me feel less alone. I am not the only one that forgets essential things. Although I can’t blame Jane!’

 
Most Read Post

Firstooth – When an Entire Evening Goes Wrong

 
If you missed these posts last week, do check them out – guaranteed a laugh.

Friday Favourites writers: Please feel free to grab the Featured Blogger badge below.

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 
I am looking forward to all the fun and frolics, but first for a couple of serious bits.

The Rules:

1. Make us laugh! Friday Frolics is all about the funny, so please no reviews, or how to make a finger puppet (unless, of course, they are hilarious).

2. Include the Friday Frolics badge in the post that you are linking. If you do not include the badge, you will not be eligible to feature as a Friday Favourite.

3. Comment on one of each of the hosts’ posts, and at least one other post for every post you link up. Share the fun people! Use #FridayFrolics when you comment on posts so people can see where you are linking from.

4. You can link up to 2 posts, old or new.

 
Other Stuff:

By joining this linky, you consent to receiving e-mails from me about Friday Frolics.

Follow us on twitter and tweet your links to @lifeloveanddd @sillymummy88 using #FridayFrolics for a RT.

The Linky will open at 8pm on Thursday evening, and close at 11pm on Sunday.

 
Now, on with the linky…

 

R is for Hoppit

 
 

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The Toddler: Feminist, Artist, Tin Enthusiast

256px-Emmeline_Pankhurst_Arrested_1914The Toddler spent a couple of hours at Daddy’s work, and she has a story to tell. A gripping tale, full of twists and intrigue. It has something for everyone: DIY, confusion, mundanity, feminism.

The Toddler is off to a good start, beginning in classic narrative fashion.

‘I’m going to tell you the story about what I did at Daddy’s work.’

We’re all sitting comfortably. The Toddler will begin.

‘I drawed and drawed and drawed and drawed, and then I got Daddy’s screwdriver.’

No explanation relating to the screwdriver is forthcoming. It will remain a mystery – left to the audience’s imagination. Meanwhile, the story continues with further exploration of the drawing part of the excursion.

‘I drawed a curtain and some tins.’

A curtain? And some tins? Is this the most mundane toddler artist ever?

‘Yes, they were in the tin and there was another tin, but Daddy said that was just a stormtrooper.’

Ah, this is starting to make more sense. Well, if you remove stormtrooper references, that is. The drawing pencils were in a tin? The Toddler didn’t draw tins?

‘Yes. They were in a tin.’

So, what did The Toddler draw?

‘I drew a panker.’

Erm…a panker?

‘Yes, panker. Sister suffragette. From Kensington to Billingsgate…’

The Toddler breaks into a very good rendition of Sister Suffragette from Mary Poppins. Not the most mundane toddler artist ever, after all. A genius. And a feminist. Emmeline Pankhurst? The Toddler drew Mrs Pankhurst?

‘Yes, panker! Sister suffragette. Shoulder to shoulder into the fray…’

Daddy interjects: ‘Didn’t you draw Daddy?’

‘Oh, yes, it was Daddy, actually.’

So near and yet so far. The patriarchy crushes feminism once again. Emmeline Pankhurst and the rest of the suffragettes fought tirelessly for equal rights with daddies to appear in toddlers’ drawings. Yet, here we are, in 2016…

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

Say Hello to My Little Friend: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

gift-1306852_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, where The Toddler is Al Pacino, The Baby is Kevin Costner, and everyone else is ‘Grandad’.

Presenting The Toddler:

1. On ‘say hello to my little friend’

The Toddler is waving her cutlery around and talking to it: ‘They can be friends. Hello, friends.’
Silly Mummy giggles, and starts quoting The Inbetweeners to Silly Daddy: ‘Ooh, friends, cutlery friends!’
The Toddler, meanwhile, has her own quote, suddenly yelling: ‘Say hello to my little…’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy stare at each other. She surely can’t be about to entirely inadvertently quote Scarface?
‘…Dominoes!’
Silly Mummy and Silly Daddy collapse in hysterics. So near, and yet so…dominoes.

2. On the purple one

The Toddler has a question: ‘Can you tell me about the purple one?’
Silly Mummy is not entirely sure what The Toddler is talking about, and asks for some simple clarification: ‘What’s the purple one? What does it look like?’
The Toddler has got this: ‘It’s green. And it looks a bit like red.’ Oh. That purple one.

3. On mixed emotions

The Toddler is feeling a bit conflicted: ‘I really like this, but I really don’t like it so much.’

4. On presents

The Toddler is counting tea cups from her tea set with Silly Daddy. She is deliberately doing it wrongly. Silly Daddy informs her that she can have a present if she does it properly. The Toddler counts the cups properly. She awaits her present. Silly Daddy presents her with…the tea cups. The Toddler sighs and rolls her eyes: ‘You tricked me!’ She approaches Silly Daddy, holding out the tea cups. Presumably, she is returning the trick gift? Apparently not: ‘Can you wrap them?’

5. On The Baby, Kevin Costner

The Toddler likes to keep The Baby gainfully employed. Today, The Baby is apparently The Toddler’s bodyguard: ‘You have to stay with me, The Baby. It’s very dangerous out there, so you’ll have to keep an eye on me.’

6. On playing with Silly Daddy

Silly Daddy is tidying away toys. The Toddler and The Baby are ‘helping’. The Toddler comes to report to Silly Mummy in the kitchen: ‘Mummy, we are playing something with Daddy!’
‘Really? What are you playing?’
The Toddler considers: ‘Well…we’ve got no toys…’ When you put it like that, this sounds like the worst game ever.

7. On eating dinner

Silly Daddy is trying to get The Toddler to finish her dinner: ‘You have to eat your vegetables.’
The Toddler has a better idea: ‘Okay, you can eat the rest of it and I’ll watch.’

8. On the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe

Silly Mummy is reading the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe nursery rhyme to The Toddler. The Toddler is scandalised at the old lady’s actions: ‘Sent them to bed?! Outrageous!’

9. On noise

The Toddler is yelling at Silly Mummy: ‘THIS IS NOT ACTUAL NOISY! THIS IS PRETENDING NOISY!’ We need to work on the definition of ‘pretend’. And ‘noise’.

10. On playing nicely

The Toddler and The Baby are busy. The Toddler informs Silly Mummy: ‘I’m playing a game with The Baby, Mummy.’
‘Well, that’s nice. What game are you playing?’
‘Throwing things at her.’
Well, that’s not nice.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Silly Family are visiting Grandma. So are Auntie and Baby Cousin. The Baby sometimes doesn’t know people’s names, but she has a ‘fit all’ name that she knows will always get her out of trouble. Auntie is leaving the room. The Baby watches her go: ‘Where’s Grandad gone?’ Yep, social etiquette 101: if you forget someone’s name, you can’t go wrong with ‘Grandad’.

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 
Nominations for the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 are open until 31st July. If you find me at all amusing, I would love nominations in the Best Comic Writer category. Nominating is very simple by following the link above. Thank you for reading my shameless begging.

 
 

ethannevelyn

Thank You For Knowing It’s My Birthday: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

birthday-874783_1920It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things Feature. The Toddler is pleased Silly Mummy knew it was her birthday, while The Baby won’t be tricked into admitting anything.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On her birthday, remembered

It’s The Toddler’s third birthday. She has just had her breakfast, and is about to start opening presents, when she turns to Silly Mummy and politely declares: ‘Thank you for knowing it’s my birthday.’ (A further sweet thank you for knowing it was her birthday has been repeated most days since.)

2. On drawing, mandatory

The Silly Family are out for dinner. The Toddler is doing some colouring while she waits for her food. The waiter brings over the food and apologises: ‘Sorry for the wait.’
The Toddler looks at him and gestures at her paper: ‘I had to draw a lovely picture.’ Yes, look what The Toddler was driven to. Are you happy now, Waiter? She was forced to draw a lovely picture here. Because of you.

3. On Grandma, allowed to read

Grandma is visiting and it is The Toddler’s bedtime. The Toddler is objecting to going to bed while Grandma is downstairs. Silly Mummy asks: ‘Do you want Grandma to read you a book?’
The Toddler is in full sulky mode: ‘No!’ She stomps up the stairs. Halfway up she relents, grudgingly: ‘Oh, alright. If I must, Grandma can read a book.’

4. On abandoning ships

The Toddler has found a way to add some much needed drama to the simple act of getting off the sofa. She clambers down, yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’

5. On becoming a doctor

The Toddler is going to be seeing Grandad later. Silly Mummy has been explaining that Grandad might not play The Toddler’s chasing game because he has a bad knee. A short time later, The Toddler is on her toy phone: ‘Hello, is that Doctor Brown Bear?…Okay…Yes…Bye.’ The Toddler approaches Silly Mummy: ‘I called Doctor Brown Bear, and he has made me the doctor so I can look after Grandad’s leg.’

6. On her recorder

The Toddler has got a recorder. She is pleased with it: ‘I love my recorder so much. I ever don’t want to take it back to Tescos!’ (The recorder didn’t actually come from Tesco – The Toddler thinks all shops are Tesco.)

7. On seeing friends, on the side

The Toddler is going to an interactive play centre with her Little Friend. However, suspicions are raised that The Toddler may actually be cheating on another toddler friend, when she announces: ‘Today we’re going to see Little Friend on the side!’

8. On hair brushing

The Toddler is stalking Silly Mummy, ominously brandishing a hairbrush: ‘Now, do you want your hair brushed?’ No, not really. The Toddler proceeds regardless. It appears she has noticed that her clients are not always happy with the hair brushing service they receive: ‘And no shouting while I’m brushing your hair.’

9. On Silly Mummy, a bother

The Toddler is on her toy phone, as usual calling ‘Grandma’: ‘Hello, Grandma? Mummy’s a bit of a bother.’ The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘Aren’t you, Mummy?’ Rude, frankly.

10. On The Baby, her little face

The Toddler has formulated a cunning plan for situations in which she has been asked to stop doing something: exploit The Baby. Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler not to do any more forward flips. The Toddler implores: ‘But look at The Baby’s little face. She so wants to do some more!’ (The Baby is not at all interested – she wasn’t doing flips in the first place. Her little face is ambivalent/bemused.)

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby is cuddling her bear, Wilberforce. She approaches Silly Mummy and Grandad, clutching Wilberforce happily. Grandad asks: ‘Have you got Wilberforce?’
The Baby is concerned. This is probably a trick. She should not admit to anything. She sneakily flings Wilberforce across the room and answers the question: ‘No!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

Diary of an imperfect mum

The Princess and The Toddler

grace-kelly-394485_1280The Toddler (sadly, from Silly Mummy’s point of view) is a big fan of princesses. She obtains most of her princess information from Disney films, but today is expanding her field of knowledge to include real princesses.

Of course, Silly Mummy starts with Princess Grace of Monaco, the closest any real person will ever be to a Disney princess. The Toddler likes Princess Grace. She wore pretty clothes and was beautiful. However, there seems to be some mix up with Ben and Holly, as The Toddler insists: ‘And can you show me her elf?’ Yes, The Toddler has confused real princesses with fairy princesses, and therefore believes they must have an elf. Putting aside many issues relating to The Toddler’s grasp on reality, this does also raise questions about what The Toddler believes Ben Elf’s relationship to Princess Holly is. Evidently, she believes princesses own elves. Does she consider poor old Ben to be Holly’s pet?

Attempts to show The Toddler Princess Grace’s prince are abandoned when Silly Mummy looks more closely at the picture she is waving at The Toddler and concludes it was probably from Grace Kelly’s Hollywood days, not her princess days. On account of the man appearing to be Clark Gable, not Prince Rainier of Monaco. Easy mistake to make. In fairness, The Toddler would not have challenged it.

Moving on from Princess Grace, The Toddler is shown a picture of a young Princess Elizabeth and Princess Margaret. The Toddler, presumably thinking about her own sister, points at Princess Margaret, and says, ‘And is that the naughty sister?’ Silly Mummy snorts at the accidental accuracy of this question, and considers showing her a picture of Edward VIII just to see what would happen. But then it would be a little worrying if she did ask: ‘And is that the Nazi uncle?’

Princesses Beatrice, Eugenie and Anne do not impress The Toddler – they are not wearing suitably princess-y dresses. Princess Charlotte causes some confusion, as she appears, in The Toddler’s opinion, to be a baby.

Silly Mummy’s princess knowledge exhausted, help in locating princesses is sought from Google. Some of the European princesses are deemed to be acceptable by The Toddler, but she has one key question about each one: ‘Can she dance with a dress?’ (We’ve moved on from fairy princesses, who own elves, to Cinderella, whose purpose is to get a new dress and attend a ball.)

Silly Mummy feels that enough princesses have been looked at. The Toddler objects: she is looking at princesses. Silly Mummy points out that she is not, in fact, looking at princesses anymore. Silly Mummy is looking at princesses (not a favoured hobby of Silly Mummy’s), while The Toddler runs around the room, ignoring princesses, and screeching, ‘Can she dance with a dress?’

Silly Mummy refusing to view more princesses, The Toddler announces: ‘Then I need to see Daddy’s princesses.’ (Silly Daddy looked rather shifty, but the question of who his princesses are, and where he keeps them, has still not been answered.)

That’s Bonkers: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

baby-215867_1280It’s time for the Ten Funniest Things feature, and we’re a little bonkers (but all the best people are). This week, The Toddler would like you to stop fussing, while The Baby would like it to be known that this post is hers, not yours.

Here’s The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, too fussy

The Toddler has decided to pour her water onto her toast to ‘cool it down’. Silly Mummy objects to this plan of action. The Toddler thinks Silly Mummy is overreacting: ‘Oh Mummy, stop fussing, Mummy! I always pour water.’ (She does not in fact always pour water on her toast. This idea has not been trialed before.)

2. On Silly Mummy’s suggestions, bonkers

Silly Mummy has made a suggestion that The Toddler has some doubts about. Doubts that she subtly voices: ‘That’s bonkers!’

3. On cleaning the bathroom

The Toddler likes Silly Mummy to do cleaning and tidying in the bathroom while she has a bath. She is in her bath: ‘Mummy, can you do the cleaning?’
Silly Mummy knows her place: ‘Yes, I’ll get right on to it.’
The Toddler nods, and picks up her duck: ‘And I’ll get right on to toys.’
Silly Mummy can’t help but feel that she has drawn the short straw here in the division of labour. Nonetheless, the cleaning and tidying is started. A short while later, Silly Mummy declares: ‘Right, I’ve finished the cleaning.’
The Toddler looks around: ‘You need to do it again.’

4. On being angry

Silly Mummy has told The Toddler she can’t do something, and The Toddler is not happy: ‘I’m very, very angry, and I’m going to throw Mummy away!’

5. On changing her mind

The Toddler has been asked to come to the bathroom. Halfway there, she changes her mind and suddenly stops, announcing: ‘I think not.’ With that, The Toddler marches back to the living room.

6. On making tea

The Toddler has made Silly Mummy a nice (*ahem*) cup of tea: ‘Mummy, I’ve just made you a cup of tea…and there’s a scrambled egg in it. But it’s a bit dirty.’

7. On being informed

Silly Mummy has asked The Toddler to see if The Baby wants to eat her dinner. The Toddler reports back: ‘She’s been formed into me, no.’ (Silly Mummy thinks that’s ‘informed me’.)

8. On her day, not good

The Toddler has received some bad news. She is not allowed to pour bath water all over the bathroom. She admonishes Silly Mummy, the bearer of this news: ‘I’m not having a good day with you, Mummy.’

9. On dealing with estate agents

The Toddler is ‘helping’ the estate agent who is at the house. By talking to him incessantly while he tries to get on with his job. Silly Mummy attempts to intervene: ‘The Toddler, can you go and watch Ben and Holly, please?’
The Toddler turns to Silly Mummy: ‘No, I’m just dealing with something. You watch Ben and Holly.’

10. On Abney and Teal, bonking

Silly Mummy enters the living room, to be confronted by The Toddler shouting, ‘Mummy, are they bonking? Are they bonking?’ Erm, what?! Hasty investigation from Silly Mummy establishes that The Toddler is talking about Abney and Teal on CBeebies. Who are bouncing. Bouncing.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has learnt the phrase ‘mine, not yours’ (Silly Mummy can’t imagine who she might have learnt that from). She is now in the toy aisle at the supermarket, chatting with other children. Okay, not chatting, exactly. More waiting until they touch a toy, and then pointing her finger at them and yelling: ‘Mine, not yours!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

 
 

My Random Musings

We Have a Problem: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

It’s Ten Funniest Things time, where The Toddler is arranging sight-seeing trips and lamenting having the wrong head. Meanwhile, in her corner, The Baby has developed an unintentional attitude.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On problems, urgent Baby assistance required
The Toddler is on the phone. She is phoning The Baby. The Baby is in her castle, on the other side of the room, obviously. Apparently, there is an emergency situation for The Baby to deal with: ‘The Baby, come quick! We have a problem…Someone has done something.’ Yes, sometimes The Toddler’s dramatic streak starts something it can’t finish. In a testament to The Baby’s willingness to assist her sister, she actually does come running for that rather vague anti-climax.

2. On being Snow White, not having the right head
The Toddler is dressed in her Snow White costume, but she has identified a problem with it: ‘I’m looking like Snow White, but I haven’t got a Snow White head!’

3. On The Baby’s food, eating it
Silly Mummy, The Toddler, The Baby and Grandma are at a cafe. The Toddler and The Baby are sharing a sandwich. However, The Baby is currently asleep, and her part is waiting for her. The Toddler has finished her own share and is now eyeing up The Baby’s share. As the sandwich was cut into three pieces originally, Silly Mummy decides The Toddler can eat The Baby’s half of the third piece (The Baby rarely eats as much as The Toddler anyway). The Toddler approves of this decision: ‘I’m sure The Baby won’t mind.’ The Toddler subsequently relents, and feels like she should leave a bit for The Baby: ‘The Baby can have a tiny little bit. That’s for The Baby.’ The Toddler sets aside the tiniest imaginable piece. Then she picks it up again and eats half of the tiny piece. She puts the remaining morsel back on the plate, before reaching for it once more: ‘Try a bit more of it.’ She eats the rest of The Baby’s tiny share. The Baby is apparently not getting her tiny little bit. The Baby is going to be lucky to get any sandwich at all, as The Toddler points at the remaining third of the sandwich – The Baby’s share – and declares: ‘That one’s for me!’

4. On her new single
The Toddler is thrilled to reveal her new single to the world: ‘So, what I’m going to sing is a new one. It’s called Going on the Step.’ As it turns out, this is less of a song and more of an interpretative dance, as The Toddler promptly (and silently) runs off to the step.

5. On castle building
The Toddler has plans, but she is not entirely confident about them: ‘I’m going to build a big castle. But I’m not very good at these things. But I can try.’

6. On anyone, not there
The Toddler is on the phone, but it appears no one else is: ”Hello? Is anyone there? No. Anyone isn’t there.’

7. On knowing what she’s doing
The Toddler is rushing up the stairs, and Silly Mummy warns her to be careful. The Toddler pooh poohs Silly Mummy’s concerns: ‘I will be careful. I know what I’m doing.’

8. On Lady Mummy
Silly Mummy has a new name, apparently. The Toddler dashes over: ‘Hi, Lady. Lady, what can I do for you? Thanks, bye, Lady!’

9. On toast, no time to lose
Silly Mummy has just informed The Toddler that her toast is ready. This is something The Toddler takes very seriously: ‘The toast is ready! Quick! No time to lose!’

10. On sight-seeing
The Toddler is trying to arrange a sight-seeing trip for The Baby: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s go and look at the view.’ The Baby seems underwhelmed. Possibly because the ‘view’ The Toddler is excitedly encouraging The Baby to come an inspect is…the sofa.

 
The Baby’s Corner
The Toddler is refusing to eat her dinner. Silly Daddy wants her to eat her dinner: ‘The Toddler, take a bite.’
The Baby wants to join in. She wants to take a bite. She nearly gets it right: ‘Bite me!’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Off With My Head: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time again for the Ten Funniest Things feature. This week, The Toddler is a strict disciplinarian with a boring cough. Meanwhile, over in The Baby’s corner, she has certainly not been shopping for dinner.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On discovering and doing

The Toddler is listening to the Cbeebies Discover and Do song, and she objects.
Cbeebies presenter (singing): ‘Discover and do, discover and do, all the day through…’
The Toddler: ‘No, I don’t want to do that!’

2. On discipline

The Toddler is attempting to discipline The Baby again. The Baby is being escorted towards the naughty step: ‘You stay there for 100 years!’ That seems a little excessive. Silly Mummy thinks that The Toddler is now taking her disciplinary procedures from Maleficent.

3. On her head, off with it

The Toddler is also taking quite an extreme approach to disciplining herself (and entirely misunderstanding the methods of the Queen of Hearts), as she marches around the living room, yelling: ‘Off with MY head!’
(Henry VIII would not have got through nearly so many wives if he’d taken that approach…)

4. On being busy

The Baby is trying to show The Toddler something, but The Toddler is very busy: ‘I have no time for this, The Baby, at moment. I have important work to do.’

5. On coughs, boring

The Toddler is coughing, but is under no illusions as to how interesting this is: ‘My cough is bit boring.’

6. On lollipops, licey

The Toddler is offering tasty treats to the household today: ‘Do you want some lice lollipop? You lick it.’

7. On Silly Mummy, what she wants

A very generous The Toddler is offering Silly Mummy items of her choice. Anything Silly Mummy wants, apparently. The Toddler is not taking no for an answer. She’s quite insistent.
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you.’
The Toddler: ‘Do you want something else?’
Silly Mummy: ‘No, thank you, I don’t need anything.’
The Toddler: ‘What do you want?’
Silly Mummy: ‘Nothing, thank you very much, sweetheart.’
The Toddler (after a pause): ‘…What do you want then?’

8. On biscuits v pirate ships

The Toddler is attempting to comfort a crying The Baby. With a frankly bizarre range of choices: ‘Do you want biccy or pirate ship?’

9. On The Baby, very rude

The Baby is running around with the roof from The Toddler’s wooden train, and The Toddler is scandalised: ‘I think The Baby took it away from my train. Cos The Baby was very rude to me!’

10. On books, too froggy

The Toddler and The Baby have a bath book featuring a duck and a frog. The Toddler has it and The Baby wants to take a look. The Toddler feels this is not a good idea. She has some concerns about unsuitable frog-related content: ‘It’s not good for you, The Baby: it’s too froggy.’

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby has been to the supermarket with Silly Daddy, and now she is waiting in her highchair for dinner. Silly Mummy is chatting with her: ‘Did you go shopping with Daddy? What did you get?’
The Toddler interjects: ‘The Baby got all the recipes for the din dins.’
The Baby does not agree, she shakes her head vigorously and waves her hands about: ‘No! No!’
Silly Mummy asks for confirmation: ‘Did you? Did you get all the bits for din din?’
The Baby is irate, there is more head shaking and arm waving: ‘No. NO DIN DINS!’
(This is disappointing news, as Silly Mummy and The Toddler are waiting for that dinner The Baby definitely did not get with Daddy.)

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.

Cardboard Panda: The Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week

Time once more for the Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said, this week featuring The Baby’s Corner and, unexpectedly, a silent item.

Over to The Toddler:

1. On Silly Mummy, putting up with her

Silly Daddy does an office job, and so generally works regular Monday to Friday hours. However, he occasionally has to do some extra hours on a Saturday. So it is a Saturday, and Silly Daddy is at work. The Toddler and The Baby have been out with Silly Mummy. Heading home, The Toddler is asking whether Silly Daddy will be there. Silly Mummy explains that Silly Daddy won’t be back until dinner time, like during the week, concluding flippantly: ‘And you’ll have to put up with Mummy.’
The Toddler nods seriously: ‘Yes, like I normally do.’ How rude.

2. On farewells, rude

The Toddler’s farewells are becoming significantly less polite: ‘See you soon. Don’t have a lovely day.’

3. On Silly Daddy’s shoe

The Toddler has something important she needs to tell Silly Mummy. She makes sure she has Silly Mummy’s full attention for her urgent and riveting tale: ‘Mummy, Mummy, MUMMY…I had a lovely time walking on Daddy’s shoe. And he said, “Give it back”.’ She runs off. Apparently that’s it. Well, that’s…good to know.

4. On herself, being the First Lady

It should be noted here that Silly Mummy often refers to The Toddler and The Baby as ‘ladies’. Also that The Toddler wants to come to the dinner table first. These facts, rather than an unusually sophisticated grasp on American politics for a two year old, probably explain her charging across the room announcing: ‘I’m the First Lady!’

5. On Kung Fu Panda

Silly Daddy has asked The Toddler if she’d like to watch Kung Fu Panda later. She is now very excited about the impending viewing of: ‘Cardboard Panda!’

6. On additional information, confusing

The Toddler’s explanations of her statements have progressed from adding nothing to adding contradiction and confusion: ‘When Grandma comes on Saturday, she doesn’t always come on Saturday.’

7. On road safety

The Toddler and The Baby are in the hallway, engaged in a game of imaginary outings. They’re mostly shopping. However, it does appear that The Toddler has somewhat misunderstood the principles of road safety: ‘Come on, The Baby, let’s get to the main road.’ The rule would be stay away from the main road, The Toddler, not aim for it.

8. On psychoanalysis

The Toddler has taken up impersonating Sigmund Freud this week, and now responds to most information with: ‘Hmm, interesting.’ (Sometimes she opts for outright sarcasm, and responds to everything with a very disingenuous: ‘That’s interesting.’)

9. On her sister, wanting her back

Silly Daddy has walked off with The Baby like he owns her, and The Toddler is not happy. She speaks to Silly Daddy firmly: ‘Daddy, can you bring The Baby back cos that’s my sister.’

10. On armed (with a Peppa Pig rolling pin) robbery

(This final item is admittedly not something The Toddler said, but is deserving of a mention nonetheless.)

 
The Baby is pushing around her little toy shopping trolley. The Toddler comes up behind her with a toy Peppa Pig rolling pin, and points it at The Baby’s back. She proceeds to take the trolley from The Baby. It is essentially a toddler stick up.

 
The Baby’s Corner

The Baby can say ‘Grandma’ (it was ‘Amama’, but now she has mastered ‘Grandma’). She cannot, however, say ‘Grandad’. She has solved this dilemma in the obvious manner: she calls Grandad ‘Grandma’. The Baby has seen a man at the till in the coffee shop. He reminds her of Grandad. As such, she is pointing at him whilst insistently yelling, ‘Grandma! Grandma!’ The man looks confused. Having paid, he goes to sit down (unsurprisingly, a long way from The Baby). The Baby is offended: ‘Where’s Grandma gone?’

 
 

If you’d like to see further posts in the ‘Ten Funniest Things The Toddler Said Last Week’ feature, they can be found here.