‘You’re a f**king rat!’ Sam Thompson attacks the prettiest of MIC’s many blondes, Julius Cowdrey, over Binky’s 4am booty call. It was handbags at dawn - again - on Made In Chelsea, by Jim Shelley 

• e-mail

The days of Made In Chelsea winning a BAFTA are long gone, not least because it’s not even good at being Made In Chelsea anymore.

But its capacity for producing the most preposterous, least menacing, fights in TV history remains undiminished, almost impressive in fact.

The recent spat between JP and Ollie Locke seemed hard to beat, not least because it took place at a regatta with the adversaries both wearing blazers - two posh fops shaking their shiny hair at one other instead of their fists.

Predictably Made In Chelsea managed it though.

Scroll down for video 

Fight night! Made In Chelsea's capacity for producing the most preposterous, least menacing, fights in TV history remains undiminished, almost impressive in fact - step-up Sam and Julius

In the blue corner we had Sam ‘Little Sammy T’ Thompson, an irritating twerp who affects the street slang of rappers but has a haircut best described as ‘trendy Trump’ and an overall demeanour that evokes the bastard son of Nigel Farage.

The object of Sam’s ‘beef’ was Julius Cowdrey, the prettiest of MIC’s many blondes, and a boy so wooden he is less the show’s Justin Bieber that he imagines so much as its Adam Rickitt.

‘You’re a f**king rat!’ Sam concluded triumphantly, lambasting Julius at the cast’s latest party. ‘We turn our backs and you’re the kind of guy who’s straight in talking to our girlfriends!’

‘I’m done with your childish remarks !’ batted back Cowdrey in the family tradition, flouncing off with the parting remark: ‘You’re such a kid!’

Rumble in W1: In the blue corner we had Sam ‘Little Sammy T’ Thompson, an irritating twerp with a haircut like Trump, and in the red, Julius Cowdrey, the prettiest of MIC’s many blondes

‘You’re a f**king rat!’: Sam concluded triumphantly, lambasting Julius at the cast’s latest party. ‘We turn our backs and you’re the kind of guy who’s straight in talking to our girlfriends!’

Taking the grown-up route? ‘I’m done with your childish remarks !’ batted back Cowdrey in the family tradition, flouncing off with the parting remark: ‘You’re such a kid!’

An insult so retro it was like being back in the playground. At nursery school… As with JP’s hissy-fit against Ollie, the cause of the boys’ dispute was Binky Felstead.

At the gang’s previous groovy knees-up Binky had sent JP home to bed, so that she could escape the sight of JP’s horrible dad dancing and have some fun (for a change). With Julius.

The night on the tiles that followed, drinking and flirting, ended with Julius receiving 30 missed calls, several texts, and a VoiceNote from Binky at four in the morning that was basically a Booty Call.

‘Where the f**k are you?’ we heard her slur when Julius played it back to his buds.

‘Woah! It is NOT a good idea for JP to hear that!’ cried Fredrik, gloriously ignoring the fact it was going to be on television. Inevitably JP heard about it soon enough.

Mistakes were made... At the gang’s previous groovy knees-up Binky had sent JP home to bed, so that she could escape the sight of JP’s horrible dad dancing and have some fun. With Julius

‘It’s getting increasingly hard for me to defend Julius,’ Akin lamented, who wasn’t defending him but grassing him up to JP. ‘The reports that I’ve had back are that Olivia, Fred, and Binky called Julius not once or twice but over 20 times,’ Akin informed him as if he had been undercover - rather than snitching on his mate. ‘And the bit of information that really struck a chord was the VoiceNote that Binky sent.’

By now, JP’s nostrils were snorting silently and his neck muscles flexing with fury.

‘WHAT did it SAY?!” he demanded, like a minor aristocrat whose wife had been ravaged by Poldark.

‘Where the f**k are you?’ Akin revealed, less than reluctantly. ‘Well it doesn’t scream “let’s have sex” does it?’ JP argued – a Freudian slip that suggested it obviously did to him (and everyone else).

Snitching: ‘It’s getting increasingly hard for me to defend Julius,’ Akin lamented, who wasn’t defending him but grassing him up to JP

Ever the blue blood: ‘WHAT did it SAY?!” he demanded, like a minor aristocrat whose wife had been ravaged by Poldark

Not too hard on the soul: 'Where the f**k are you?’ Akin revealed, less than reluctantly

JP may be a bovine, pompous, bore but he quickly realised that protesting Binky’s innocence would just deny him the chance of wallowing in self-pity and accusing her of betrayal. Again.

‘She CHEATED on me and broke my HEART !’ JP whinged to Akin before he could get away.

The fact that Binky’s ‘cheating’ had occurred after JP had already ruthlessly dumped her for refusing to give up drink, stop going out with her friends, or agreeing to generally OBEY him was a minor detail JP didn’t mention – or had never happened at all in his mind.

He continued casting himself as the tragic hero who had gallantly forgiven Binky (the harlot), bleating: ‘It took A LOT for me to GO BACK to HER. And for her to now GO BACK to old habits and behave like THIS says to me THAT MAYBE she doesn’t WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP !’

All about him: JP may be a bovine, pompous, bore but he quickly realised that protesting her innocence would deny him the chance of wallowing in self-pity and accusing her of betrayal. Again

Binky meanwhile was giving her side of the story to Rosie and so hung-over that she was eating fried eggs – like a commoner, albeit an elegant one with Lovely Hair.

‘Julius was being quite flirty,’ she beamed sweetly. ‘He was just being silly.’

Binky confessed she was so drunk she’d been ‘slut dropping in high heels’ but argued that leaving Julius a 4am VoiceNote ‘sounds way worse than it is.’ Not to JP, you thought. Sure enough MIC’s Justice of the Peace later confronted Binky as if she were in the dock, accusing her of charges based on the evidence of an eye-witness.

‘Akin believes that if JULIUS had SHOWED UP that night SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED !’ he blazed.

‘That is absolutely not true!’ denied Binky blithely. ‘I like Julius but I’m with you.’

Even though this was what he wanted, JP ruled her statement as inadmissible. ‘I’ve LOST my TRUST in you!’ JP wailed, although it’s doubtful he ever had it.

‘That’s really sad,’ said Binky softly.

‘I don’t know what to DO Binks!’ he whined.

‘What do you want to do?’ she asked not unreasonably.

‘What do YOU want to DO?’ he demanded, spinelessly.

This was obvious to anyone who knew Binky, or had seen MIC: have a drink (and snog Julius).

Sassy and solo? That night at the Studio 54 party Binky was propping up the bar, happily getting wasted

No change there: ‘Where’s Jair-Pair?’ asked tiny Louise Thompson, trying to sound as posh as the other gals

Not his biggest fans: ‘He’s clearly emasculated,’ yawned Rosie, presciently

Sure enough, that night at the Studio 54 party Binky was propping up the bar, happily getting wasted.

‘Where’s Jair-Pair?’ asked tiny Louise Thompson, trying to sound as posh as the other gals.

‘I don’t know. JP has gone off on one,’ Binky said explaining how he had been trying to make her feel sorry for him bombarding her with texts like, ‘If you care about me as much as you say you care about me you would have gone marching up to that guy and told him to take a hike. I ask of you one thing and you don’t have enough respect for me.’

‘He’s clearly emasculated,’ yawned Rosie, presciently.

JP had decided not to attend this week’s obligatory ‘pardy’, telling Sam Thompson: ‘For my own sanity I just feel like I need to distance myself from it.’

This was how we felt about MIC every week.

Licking his wounds: JP had decided not to attend this week’s obligatory ‘pardy’, telling Sam Thompson: ‘For my own sanity I just feel like I need to distance myself from it’

The little touches: JP’s flat was ultra-minimal, bland, devoid of colour and personality - like its owner - confirming suspicions that JP’s OCD extended to his relationship with Binky

‘I would GO UP to Julius in a HEARTBEAT and put him in his PLACE if I could just STAND THERE and say ‘my GIRLFRIEND has got my corner man’!’ JP raged, although he would’ve sounded even more deranged if he had

JP’s flat was ultra-minimal, bland, devoid of colour and personality - like its owner - confirming suspicions that JP’s OCD extended to his relationship with Binky – a pathological control freak who was borderline psychotic.

JP’s excuse for not boxing his rival’s ears or challenging Julius to a duel was eerily simple.

‘I would GO UP to Julius in a HEARTBEAT and put him in his PLACE if I could just STAND THERE and say ‘my GIRLFRIEND has got my corner man’!’ JP raged, although he would’ve sounded even more deranged if he had. ‘But I CAN’T because he’ll just come back and say: ‘It’s your GIRLFRIEND who’s messaging ME. Your GIRLFRIEND has not told ME directly to BACK OFF. SO WHY SHOULD I?’

The way Sam gulped and went pale suggested he had realised that by now JP was simply screaming and arguing with himself.

And that scarily he had never been happier. 

Uh-oh: The way Sam gulped and went pale suggested he had realised that by now JP was simply screaming and arguing with himself -and that scarily he had never been happier