He's the man who told us that Trump would triumph in the Presidential election - now look what Piers 'Mystic' Morgan predicts for Meghan (not to mention a host of other surprises that might just come true in 2017)

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2016 was the year the pundits called it wrong in almost every regard. 

So what on earth could 2017 have in store? 

Who better to turn to than our own Piers Morgan, the man who predicted Donald Trump would be President, for a wry look into his crystal ball…

JANUARY

Piers Morgan predicted that Donald Trump would become President of the United States

The Supreme Court backs the High Court’s ruling that Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty, triggering formal commencement of Brexit, has to be approved by Parliament. Leave campaigners immediately explode with fury at this decision, saying the very last thing they wanted from Brexit was to be bossed around by our own sovereign law-makers or Parliament.

‘If only we’d stayed in bloody Europe, their judges and politicians would never have let this happen!’ moans Michael Gove from a holiday villa in Marbella.

Donald Trump is inaugurated as President of the United States.

As he says the oath of office, a distraught Hillary Clinton rushes the podium with a banner saying: ‘I SHOULD BE SAYING THIS, I’M A WOMAN!’ President Trump moves into the White House and promptly announces extensive renovations to turn it into the Gold House.

Sir Andy Murray is beaten in the Australian Open final for the sixth time, in straight sets by home-grown bad boy Nick Kyrgios, who celebrates by punching himself repeatedly in the head. An online campaign to ban Murray from being described as British is launched by Wayne Smith, a Ukip-supporting builder from South London. ‘Murray’s a useless Scottish idiot,’ he tweets. ‘Why should we English people have to pretend he’s one of ours?’

FEBRUARY 

Singer Cheryl with her boyfriend Liam Payne from pop group One Direction

Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Versini-Cole has a baby boy by her boyfriend, Liam Payne from One Direction. They name him Simon. ‘He’s very demanding, never listens to me and spits out his dummy a lot,’ explains Cheryl.

Another pop star, Lady Gaga, performs the half-time show at the Super Bowl in Houston. Madonna joins her on stage and claims they are secret sisters, born as part of a hideous government-orchestrated human genome experiment that went badly wrong.

‘Can there be any further evidence that we are the two greatest victims and survivors in the history of mankind?’ Gaga shouts, as they strip naked to sing Born This Way before banking their £20 million fees.

Harper Beckham, five, stars in her own catwalk show at London Fashion Week. ‘It was entirely her idea and absolutely nothing to do with me and Victoria shamelessly exploiting our young kids to promote Brand Beckham,’ explains proud dad David. Next morning, Harper is photographed on her way to school. ‘This is a disgusting invasion of our little girl’s privacy,’ rages her father in a press statement delivered at the global launch of his 11-year-old son Cruz’s new album.

On the 20th anniversary of Dolly, the first cloned sheep, Jeremy Clarkson reveals he is cloning himself 100 times. This leads to an immediate dramatic fall in UK immigration numbers.

MARCH 

Theresa May triggers Article 50, formally starting Britain’s exit from Europe, predicts Piers

Theresa May triggers Article 50, thus formally starting Britain’s exit from Europe. The world doesn’t immediately end.

‘See,’ says Boris Johnson, below, standing proudly outside Chevening. ‘As I told you in that first draft of my pre-referendum column, all talk of a post-Brexit apocalypse was just a load of old de Pfeffel, as my parents like to call me.’ Next morning, markets tumble, the pound dives, house prices crash and Mrs May declares a state of emergency.

‘See,’ says Boris, now in hiding at his heavily barricaded holiday home in Greece surrounded, ironically, by ancient crumbling ruins: ‘As I told you in the second draft of my pre-referendum column, all that talk of a post-Brexit apocalypse was absolutely… spot-on.’

Donald Trump announces work will begin on his much-anticipated plan to secure the 1,000-mile southern border with Mexico – dubbed ‘The Concrete Curtain’ – and invites Vladimir Putin to the opening ceremony. Putin – evoking memories of Reagan’s Brandenburg Gate command to Gorbachev – declares: ‘Mr Trump, build up this wall!’

APRIL

Piers Morgan thinks the Brangelina divorce will take a turn for the 'diabolical' 

On the first of the month, Jeremy Corbyn sensationally resigns, admitting: ‘I’ve suddenly realised I’ve dragged my party into an utterly unelectable sewer of union-dominated infighting, jobs-for-the-militants cronyism, and communist policies so extreme even Chairman Mao would have rejected them.’

Two hours later, Corbyn appears on live TV with a massive grin on his face and says: ‘April Fools!’ He then announces a new Labour Party rule stating that anyone who becomes a member and solemnly declares undying support for Corbyn as leader gets a free beard trimmer, silver shell-suit and subscription to Pravda.

The Brangelina divorce takes a turn for the diabolical as Angelina Jolie orders her lawyers to write to Brad Pitt to demand custody of the couple’s Botox surgeon, Dr Linesmoother. ‘He can have the kids, the houses and the cars,’ she announces in an expressionless statement from the Congo jungle, where she is sourcing a new family to bring home to deploy as a brand-enhancing fashion accessory. ‘But he’s not having Linesmoother. It’s a fundamental breach of my human feminist rights as a surgically enhanced actress!’

Alastair Cook announces he is continuing as England cricket captain, despite the 4-0 drubbing in India. ‘I’ve had time to reflect on that result and concluded it was all Kevin Pietersen’s fault,’ he explains, even though Pietersen wasn’t playing in the series.

MAY

Marriage is on the cards for Pippa Middleton (left) and her boyfriend James Matthews, thinks Piers

Pippa Middleton marries financier James Matthews. To the astonishment of Royal watchers, her sister Kate wears an outrageously figure-hugging dress and performs Beyoncé-style booty wiggles as they enter the church. ‘Oh dear, did I upstage the bride?’ Kate is heard giggling to friends later.

Leicester City are relegated from the Premier League exactly a year after they won it. ‘We’re all absolutely gutted, sick as parrots and about as far from over the moon as footballers could possibly be,’ says tearful striker Jamie Vardy, as bailiffs arrive to impound his Melton Mowbray mansion. Better news for Chelsea, who become champions by narrowly beating off Manchester City. Arsenal come 5th and delighted manager Arsene Wenger celebrates by signing a new 20-year contract worth £250 million.

‘In these turbulent times, I provide incredible consistency,’ he says. ‘Who else could qualify for the Champions League 21 times without ever winning it, or go 13 years without winning the Premier League?’ I celebrate by throwing myself off Beachy Head. ‘Sounds like a win-win,’ chortles Wenger on hearing the news.

In France, Right-wing candidate Francois Fillon wins the presidential election, beating far-righter-wing candidate Marine Le Pen by being marginally less offensive about immigration, Islam and family values. ‘He may be repulsive,’ says one liberal French voter who voted for Fillon, ‘but she’s absolutely revolting.’

JUNE

Here comes the bride? A tongue-in-cheek glimpse at how Harry's big day could look

After a whirlwind engagement, Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle in a star-studded service at Westminster Abbey watched by billions around the world. As the 35-year-old American divorcee actress shimmies down the aisle, Prince Philip is heard murmuring to the Queen: ‘So this is Wallis Simpson all over again, only with thespian tendencies, right?’

At the Buckingham Palace reception, Harry shouts: ‘I’m so happy I could sink a barrel of beer!’ And that’s exactly what he does, ending up drunk as a skunk and playing naked billiards with actors from Meghan’s hit US legal drama, Suits.

Kim Kardashian, right, files for divorce from Kanye West. ‘I’m come to realise that Kanye’s just an attention-seeking, publicity-ravenous show-off,’ she says in a statement. ‘And there’s only room for one of those in this marriage.’

Piers thinks that June will be the month that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West file for divorce

JULY

Sir Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, beating Novak Djokovic in the final. ‘Never been prouder to be British!’ tweets Wayne Smith, from South London.

James Corden persuades the Pope to sing Stairway To Heaven and Save A Prayer For Me Now on his US chat show segment, Carpool Karaoke. ‘It’s an incredible honour to meet such a globally beloved and popular public figure,’ Pope Francis tells Corden.

Theresa May spends her two- week summer holiday with husband Philip at a caravan park in Middlesbrough. ‘Who needs the so-called European glamour of St Tropez, Barcelona or Rome when you can have all THIS in Britain?!’ she tells the media, pointing to a mud-splattered, rain-soaked, freezing, empty field.

Ex-PM David Cameron takes a bunch of his old Eton schoolmates on a lads’ holiday by private jet to South Africa where they go trophy-hunting wild animals, guzzle £10,000 bottles of Chateau Latour and do despicable things to severed pigs’ heads. ‘God, it’s good not to have to pretend to be one of the bloody common people any more,’ Cameron guffaws.

AUGUST

Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor of Germany after vowing to deport the one million migrants she let in last year, writes Piers

A total solar eclipse occurs on the 21st, the first that will be visible right across America for 28 years. As the nation blacks out, Hillary Clinton declares: ‘Donald Trump has turned our country into a very dark place – exactly as I predicted.’

This month marks the 55th, 40th and 20th anniversaries of the deaths of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Princess Diana respectively.

As a result of this eerie coincidence,no major living celebrity leaves the safety of their own home for the whole month. Deprived of headlines, many require psychiatric treatment for Post Attention Withdrawal Disorder.

Angela Merkel is re-elected Chancellor of Germany after vowing to deport the one million migrants she let in last year. ‘I let my kind human heart rule my ruthless political head,’ she says. ‘It will never happen again.’

Usain Bolt bows out from competitive sprinting by winning the 100m, 200m and 4x100m relay at the World Championships in London, cementing his status as the greatest athlete of all time. He celebrates by eating 500 chicken nuggets and taking the entire cast of this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show to bed. ‘I’m on the 5/2 diet,’ he chuckles. ‘Five supermodels for every two nuggets.’

SEPTEMBER

Piers tips Nigella Lawson (pictured) to replace Mary Berry as Great British Bake Off host

The Great British Bake Off relaunches on Channel 4 with Nigella Lawson, below, replacing Mary Berry. Ratings plummet from ten million viewers to three million, and the show is mired in a drugs scandal when Nigella is accidentally caught on camera trying to snort some icing powder.

Meanwhile, the BBC launches a new cake show called Berry’s Bakery, starring Mary, which pulls in 15 million viewers. ‘That’s the way the lemon drizzle cake crumbles,’ she giggles.

Apple releases the eagerly anticipated iPhone 8. It allows you to take selfies in 1,000 different ways, with 10,000 beautifying filters, but no longer provides a phone call option. ‘Our customers are so narcissistic they just don’t have time to speak any more,’ confirms Apple boss Tim Cook.

OCTOBER

Nigel Farage becomes the star of the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, Piers predicts 

Nigel Farage becomes the star of the new series of Strictly Come Dancing. His leaden-footed paso doble with dance partner Katya Jones is given a perfect 10 by new head judge Ed Balls, who gushes: ‘Rather like your Brexit campaign, that was so bad it was brilliant!’ Alas, when it is pointed out that the dance is Spanish and that Katya was born Ekaterina Sokolova in Russia, Farage withdraws from the contest and vows to take up morris dancing instead.

His place on the show is taken by Ed Miliband, who slips over the moment he walks on stage, and breaks his leg, thus becoming the only contestant in the show’s history to score a perfect zero and be eliminated before even dancing a single step. ‘I’m gutted for him,’ says his smirking brother David.

NOVEMBER

The first passenger Virgin Galactic space flight takes place, with Sir Richard Branson proudly on board with his wife Joan. ‘I couldn’t be more thrilled,’ he announces after the successful mission. ‘I’ve always wanted to join the 68,000 mile high club!’

Lewis Hamilton regains his Formula 1 title after ignoring team orders all season. ‘There is no “I” in “team”,’ declares a Mercedes spokesman. ‘There are three in “Lewis is a winner,” ’ replies Hamilton.

DECEMBER

On the 50th anniversary of the world’s first heart transplant, Lord Sugar announces that he has applied to have one. The application is swiftly rejected on the grounds that surgeons can find no actual evidence of any existing heart in the Apprentice host’s body.

Meghan Markle reveals she is pregnant. As she’s from a mixed-race family (her mum is African-American, her dad is white), the baby is the first non-white child born to a member of the Royal Family. Our Monarchy is thus finally, and thankfully, propelled into the glorious multi-cultural modernity of the nation that it represents.

Even better, Meghan has turned out to be a wonderful princess – smart, beautiful, hard-working, refined, well-behaved and talented.

‘At last!’ says the Queen, in her traditional Christmas message.

As 2018 arrives there is yet more shocking health news from the world of showbiz: Keith Richards is still alive. ‘I’m as stunned as anyone!’ he cackles, swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and puffing on a gigantic spliff. ‘Happy New Year!’