Unless the Trump dodgy dossier author spy comes forward to let us decide if he is Austin Powers, a crap James Bond or George Smiley, Theresa May must kick him into the cold or kiss goodbye to a Special Relationship with Donald

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So let me just get this straight.

A man who used to work as a sneaky beaky British spy needs help to keep his identity a secret after he was exposed as the mastermind behind the dodgy dossier on Trump.

Not very James Bond is it? Running crying back to M when you've made an almighty plonker of yourself and suddenly realise Putin probably wants you dead.

Our very own Crap James Bond (Christopher Steele) has gone into hiding, leaving the neighbours to look after his cats. At least Blofield had the humanity to cart his pussy around with him as he went about his dastardly deeds.

A man who used to work as a sneaky beaky British spy needs help to keep his identity a secret after he was exposed as the mastermind behind the dodgy dossier on Trump. Our very own Crap James Bond (Christopher Steele, above) has gone into hiding, leaving the neighbours to look after his cats

I would argue Christopher Steele relinquished any notion of keeping his identity secret the moment he decided to go totally off reservation to get his explosive dossier of salacious gossip about Trump into the public domain.

In fact, he blew everything. His own safety, absolutely. The safety of his family, undoubtedly, in his dogged determination to take down Trump.

But more dastardly still, by accusing the President-elect not just of being a pervert but something tantamount to a traitor he has blown a big hole in hopes of a new special relationship between the UK and the USA.

And then scuttled off without having the cojones to come forward and defend his work and let the world decide for itself if he is George Smiley or Austin Powers.

A relationship which was looking a bit 'Kim-and-Kanye-someone-call-the psych-year', at the best of times, with Boris bad mouthing Trump and our MPs discussing banning him from the UK.

Theresa May was left preaching to a political church of sceptics and non-believers when she applied her best innocent face and said this dirty dossier was compiled by an ex-MI6 agent no longer employed by our government.

What she was not prepared to explain was why, as an ex-employee, he was afforded the protection of a special notice, 'a D notice', to try to conceal his identity.

I would argue Christopher Steele relinquished any notion of keeping his identity secret the moment he decided to go totally off reservation to get his explosive dossier of salacious gossip about Trump into the public domain

It's almost as if Crap James Bond was a dirty little secret the government wanted to hide.

As speculation rises that Mr Steele is being protected in an MI6 safe house, it appears the government may be pretending to hold him at arm's length when he is actually wrapped in the warm embrace of our Establishment, sanctioned by MI6, and acting in British interests.

As it stands, a British spy more hopeless than Johnny English has tried to take down The Donald with a brace of Russian hookers pissing a fantastical golden shower over Trump's face on Obama's old pillow.

This is how the British are conducting themselves on the international stage, supported all the way by our state broadcaster and our left-wing press, salivating at possible impeachment.

Senior politicians are keen to add an additional whiff of credibility to a document neither a single journalist nor a single intelligence agency has been able to verify and which reads like a bad Jason Bourne script.

Meanwhile our former ambassador to Russia made sure John McCain knew all about the dossier, saying it might be true, it might not be true. Adding that its author was a 'very competent professional operator', a man who 'I do not think would make things up.'

The Guardian delighted in the credibility of our Crap James Bond, described to them by a US official as consistently reliable, meticulous and well-informed, with extensive Russian contacts.

Then detailing how the dossier made its way from the lips of Blair's ambassador to Russia, to the ears of John McCain, to the hands of the FBI (who already had it, by the way).

Despite appearing to be typed by a five year old. Using his tongue.

Not very James Bond is it? Running crying back to M when you've made an almighty plonker of yourself and suddenly realise Putin probably wants you dead

Worryingly, our government refuses to make clear the British had nothing to do with the dossier.

In fact, it seems to be doing the opposite. Many seem to be at great pains to point out that the information in the dossier cannot be classed reliable but neither can it be classed unreliable.

Which is a bit like saying Brexit means Brexit. No one is any the wiser. But you avoided saying it meant nothing.

All this despite the fact that, in a sea of journalists and intelligence resources, not one hardened hack or tech wizard has managed to verify the dossier. Not one will say it stands up to close inspection.

If I didn't know better I'd say it was put together by a B-tech student hoping for an apprenticeship in hair and beauty.

But it would appear the British establishment and its emissaries are working on the basis that if you throw enough dirt at one man, and keep throwing it, some might stick.

As a result, their hands look more filthy by the day;

An ex-spy was still spying. Badly.

Our government tried to conceal his identity. Hopelessly.

Our Crap James Bond was manic in his attempts to share his dodgy dossier, tongue-typed by a toddler.

Not one person can verify it is true.

But our politicians remind us that does not make it fake. And believe Trump makes his morning ablutions under the foof of a Russian hooker with Putin acting as the President's pimp.

The whole sorry episode is shameful.

And it makes me question what exactly goes on inside our British Establishment, embroiled in a world of hypocrisy, half-truths and deliberate lies. Smoke and mirrors. Puppet masters pulling strings. Badly.

It strikes me our relationship with America is about as special as the one I have with my mother-in-law. And she is dead.

If I were Trump, I wouldn't let Theresa May within two-hundred metres of the White House until she denounces the work of Christopher Steele and condemns the dirty dossier as a desperate attempt to undermine a democratically elected president.

Saying Crap James Bond is an ex-employee is not enough.

Trump deserves to get a fair shot at this presidency. He was elected by ordinary people, sick of being taken advantage of by those in power, desperate to have their voices heard.

Unwilling to listen, I sense that our government, state broadcaster and liberal press have ambitions to see him impeached before the year is out.