This walking Christmas tree only has herself to blame: JAN MOIR says Kim Kardashian's flamboyance made the robbery horribly inevitable   

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For Kim Kardashian this was not how she wanted her trip to the French capital to end

She fled Paris hidden under a makeshift burka, her boots clicking quickly over the tarmac as she was led to her private jet.

For Kim Kardashian, normally as shy and retiring as an exploding firework, this was not how she wanted her trip to the French capital to end — in panic and disarray, with a smoking hole in her mink-lined jewellery case.

As the world now knows, Miss Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her rented apartment, the barrel held to her temple as she pleaded for her life.

Of course one has huge sympathy for her, this mother of two, this wife and sister, who went through such a terrifying ordeal in a foreign city.

Yet, I wonder. In particular, I wonder if there was a fleeting moment, as she lay tied up on the bathroom floor, when a tiny voice inside her head asked the nagging, awful question: have I brought this on myself?

For what is Kim Kardashian, if not a monument to crass consumerism? An advert, a billboard, a walking Christmas tree forever decked out with baubles and jewels and blinging trinkets worth a king’s ransom?

Jewels that she boasts about over and over again, sending regular photographs of her £1.2 million engagement ring or her diamond teeth grills to her 48 million followers on Twitter, her 84 million devotees on Instagram and her 29 million friends on Facebook.

Jewels that everyone is invited to admire, jewels that stand as proof of her wealth and her eminence, fantastically expensive jewels that have become the vulgar symbols of her flaky monarchy.

At one high-profile event, she manacled herself in a fistful of gold necklaces from her husband Kanye West’s new jewellery collection (the pair pictured together)

For there is no doubt that Kim is the fully anointed queen of the selfie generation, the living embodiment of a narcissistic social media culture that makes stars out of nobodies. 

She is a reality television star who has become famous for being famous — and of course having an unfeasibly large bottom. That is what passes for celebrity these days. Close examination reveals no wit, no style, no discernible talents nor artistic gifts — excluding her gift for publicity.

In catching the attention of the global media, Miss Kardashian is without peer. Over recent weeks she has also been increasingly without bra, which is a worrying development, given the generous acreage of her fabled bosoms.

(From left) Khloe Kardashian, Lamar Odom, Kris Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Kourtney Kardashian, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Caitlin Jenner and Kylie Jenner attend Kanye West Yeezy Season 3 earlier this year 

But, with a new television show and business interests to promote, going braless has proved to be another lucrative way for Kimmy to stay anchored in the world’s headlines.

Since she first appeared with her family in their reality show Keeping Up With The Kardashians in 2007, Kim has become a tin-pot diva worshipped by millions of young women. This is despite the fact that she is not much more than a cipher, a woman whose life is lived online and defined by her own narcissism and rampant materialism.

Kim is rich, spoiled and forever showing off where she is, what she is doing, the clothes she is wearing and the things she has bought or been given.

For this she is adored by little girls in much the same way that, in a more innocent age, they once would have adored their Barbie or Sindy dolls.

What she offers them is a more interactive experience.

Kim Kardashian fosters their adulation through her social media, nurturing the fake notion that she is their friend. The tweeted personal details and bling pics reinforce the mirage of intimacy and emotional proximity.

It is not a genuine relationship but to millions of easily impressed youngsters, that is what it feels like. Contemporary celebrities like Kim win the hearts and minds of their followers and then use this fan base to monetise their celebrity.

Just consider Kim Kardashian’s behaviour in the days before she was robbed.

During fashion week in Paris she strutted between the shows like some sort of ghastly porn pouter pigeon, her curves clad in distressed wisps of flimsy netting, her bra missing in action.

Kim Kardashian's luxury apartment in Paris where she was robbed at gunpoint

At one high-profile event, she manacled herself in a fistful of gold necklaces from her husband Kanye West’s new jewellery collection. 

Posing for pictures that went around the world, she was more effective (and cheaper) than any advertising campaign. 

Seriously wealthy people move around the globe like wraiths, mindful of security concerns, keeping a low profile, never publicising their timetable. And they don’t travel with £9 million worth of jewellery in their luggage. In comparison, everything Kim does is calculated to attract maximum attention.

I don’t think for one second that Kim Kardashian deserved to be robbed or frightened out of her wits — who could? — but given the ostentation and studied flamboyance with which she lives her life, wasn’t something like this horribly inevitable?

Questions have been asked about her security, including why her bodyguard was shadowing her sister at a Parisian nightclub, leaving Kim home alone. The five-man gang tricked their way into her apartment with staggering ease. ‘It’s urgent, we need to see Miss Kardashian,’ they said, and were inside within minutes.

She is the biggest casualty yet of the monstrous vanity of social media, a victim of her own conceit. 

One might have hoped she will learn something from this crime committed against her, but don’t hold your breath — she will no doubt be blogging about it any day now. Still, at last she is famous for something more than being famous, which is progress of a sort.

Amazon has removed a series of bizarre fancy dress costumes from its website

For sale on Amazon: Stripper gear for kids 

Sexy? It is not a word that should ever be used in connection with little girls’ Halloween costumes.

So well done to Amazon, who have removed a series of bizarre fancy dress costumes from its website, which included French Maid and Tiny Schoolgirl outfits — for eight year olds! Terrifying.

However, no gold medals for excellence in the field of onsite ethical regulation just yet. Amazon removed the outfits only after a barrage of complaints.

And the giant international corporation was initially resistant to do even that, as it wasn’t selling the costumes directly, rather a Hong Kong-based fancy dress company was using their site as an ancillary marketplace.

Look, with all the money Amazon saves on not paying its taxes, couldn’t it afford an ombudsman to police the site properly? Which of course it is responsible for, morally if not legally. Someone’s got to make sure little girls don’t go out trick or treating looking like strippers or saucy nurses. 

Another pop reunion - what's new? 

Following the success of a one-off revival, the BBC has commissioned six new episodes of Porridge.

The original Seventies show was watched by millions, with its much-loved characters played by Ronnie Barker (Fletcher) and Richard Beckinsale (Godber).

In the new series, Kevin Bishop is excellent as Fletcher’s grandson, but sometimes I wonder if this mania for nostalgia is going too far.

Singers Matt Goss and Luke Goss of 1980s group Bros attend their reunion launch

Look around you. Girls are wearing platform shoes again, Bridget Jones and Ab Fab films are on at the cinema and something called the Andy Williams Christmas Extravaganza will be making a 12-date-tour of the UK in December, despite the fact that Mr Williams has been dead for four years.

His memory is being kept alive in this new show by the Osmonds, who must be approaching the embalming stage of popdom themselves.

In addition, Brian May, Kenny Rogers and Roy Wood of Wizzard are all playing concerts at the moment.

All this time travel is very confusing. Sometimes I don’t know if I am coming or going but as my mother would say, what’s new?

Next thing you know, Matt and Luke Goss will be reforming Bros and . . . oh. 

To be or not to be...a role model that is 

Inspiring head teacher Jane Lunnon says young girls must stop adopting reality TV stars such as Kim Kardashian as role models. The head of Wimbledon High in London says those with self-image issues should instead look to Shakespeare’s heroines for inspiration

I love this idea — but surely not all of Shakespeare’s women fit the bill? Yes to lovely, powerful Portia in The Merchant Of Venice, who sorts out everyone’s problems.

Yes to feisty Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing, who takes no nonsense from her suitors. Yes to courageous, determined Juliet who would only marry for love. And yes to Rosalind in As You Like It. She had to spend much of her time disguised as a man, but plotted to make her life better. 

After that, well. It gets a bit more difficult. Ambitious Lady Macbeth is no one’s idea of a good time while Regan in King Lear is a bitch who is cruel to her dad and has his friend’s eyes pulled out. 

Then there is Tamora in Titus Andronicus, a monster who tells her sons to rape and pillage. She eats them in a pie, albeit accidentally. Carb and cannibal issues, in one meal. When shall those three meet again? Hopefully not in the sixth-form common room.

Normally I am against bans. But Norway has announced plans to ban full-face veils from schools and universities — and I can’t help but applaud. It is not discriminatory, but an important step towards protecting European culture and values.

For veils are a symbol of suppression and male aggression that has no place in modern western society. I accept that older women might have more difficulty. Having spent a lifetime hidden behind a cloak of fabric, it would be difficult to change. Yet surely girls and teenagers should be encouraged to integrate — and they can’t do that from behind a veil. What chance do they have of assimilating into a host country, of making friends in a new culture?

The veil is not helpful to women and girls. All it does is keep them a prisoner.

Nora Batty in Last of the Summer Wine

Holy gussets! The fashion police are after our tights 

With the first week of October almost over, fashionistas are busy telling us what we should be wearing to transition into autumn.

Hot trends include sheepskin; military coats; something Vogue calls the ‘Eighties schoolgirl look’ (oh God); jumbo earrings, including giant safety pins (again?); sequins, the ‘new’ velvet, ski pants and fluffy shoes. 

I am afraid to inform you that the latter are dagger-heeled cocktail shoes and not your actual slippers, so don’t plan on going out in them to a party. Again.

Worst of all is their traditional, annual imprecation that opaque tights are over, over, over and we must embrace sheer tights or bare legs. 

They say this every year — and the good women of Britain keep ignoring them. With November on the horizon, it’s 50 denier or die, darling.

Never mind that Sienna Miller and Kate Moss have all worn sheers for swanky events. They’ve got door-to-door limos, year-round tans and great legs. For everyone else, it’s Nora Batty time once more.

P.S. Just had a flashback to my teens, when our geography teacher coached us with a ditty to remember the difference between stalagmites and stalactites. ‘Remember, girls. The tights come down,’ he would roar.

Holy gussets, Batman. He’d be arrested today, even though it was innocent. And thanks to him, should I ever be stuck in a cave, I’ll be able to have a knowledgeable conversation about mineral formations.