17 Acts That Will Instantly Kill Your Chance at a New Relationship
Do your relationships last about as long as a fad diet? According to the experts, there's a reason your last crush disappeared quicker than the cabbage soup cleanse.
Despite putting your authentic self out there, you could be dooming your relationships before they even get off the ground. Perhaps you don’t realize it, but all the compulsive texting, ex-girlfriend ranting, and racy Instagram posts could be killing any chance of a long-term relationship with a new-found crush.
If you find yourself doing one, five, or all 17 of the following relationship killers, it’s probably time to re-evaluate how you’re putting yourself out there:
#1. Compulsive texting: If you constantly text your brand-new boyfriend or girlfriend, you are screaming "desperation" and "neediness," says relationship expert Tom Kersting. You can expect this relationship to end before it gets off the ground.
#2. Talking about yourself too much: It makes you look self-absorbed, which is not sexy. "If you really want a long-term relationship, you need to learn as much as you can to discern if this person is a match for you by asking questions," says psychotherapist Marni Feuerman.
#3. Going "cricket": “If you've gone on a few dates with someone and don't respond to calls or texts for days at a time, the other person interprets this as you not being serious," says Kersting. It also gives off the impression that you’re hiding something.
#4. Staying active on dating sites: If you have gone out several times with your new crush, but keep your status active on dating sites, he or she will see this and will smell a player from a mile away!
#5. Too much talking about the ex: "Bonding over ex drama can be cathartic, but if one of you is taking up all the air in the room, ranting about your ex, and the other is starting to see stars, you’ve blown it," says April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert in New York City.
#6. Bad kissing and bad sex: We hate to say it, but if you’re a bad kisser or you’re bad in bed, chances are you’re going to have trouble getting people to stick around. "It’s not everything, but being good at kissing and sex can make or break a relationship," says Masini.
#7. Getting too intimate too fast: Stable relationships build at the speed of mutual comfort, says Jeremy Arnold, the co-founder of the dating app Launch. "Going too fast can trigger defensive reactions that can't always be controlled." Not to mention, moving too fast can give off the impression that you’re only looking to get busy.
#8. Comparing past relationships: This is common when one party has just come out of something long-term. "They'll have to constantly fight the temptation of comparing something new to something they'd grown comfortable with," says Arnold. "If not managed well, this causes the new partner to feel like they're being measured against something that didn't even work out."
#9. Too much social media attention: Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who constantly seeks social media attention by posting racy photos. Relationship expert David Bennett says, "If you commit to a relationship, you'll need to stop seeking social validation from strangers on the web and start seeking it from your significant other."
#10. Having unrealistic expectations: We approach every relationship with certain assumptions about what romance ought to look like, or what great couples do together. "It's fine to have certain minimum expectations. But judging the value of the relationship against some picture-book ideal is more likely to kill it than improve it," says Arnold.
#11. Rudeness of any kind: NEVER be rude or ill mannered to your partner or anyone else around you — it's a huge turn-off. "This does not mean be wimpy, passive or a pushover," warns Feuerman. "It means that, if you are unhappy with someone, state so in a firm and assertive way. Rudeness is likely to get you dumped."
#12. Texting, not talking: Sweet, frequent text messages are fun, right? Wrong, says attorney Dr. Wendy Patrick. "A suitor who prefers to text you from a device designed for talking is not interested in a relationship. You hear the silent message loud and clear: Do not disturb. You don´t; you move on."
#13. Not following through on what you say: This does not bode well for relationships. "Doing what you say you are going to do and being consistent shows you are a person of integrity. Don't say 'I'll call you tonight' and not call. It may seem small, but when you are dating, these small things are often symbolic of what's to come down the line," says Feuerman.
#14. Claiming to be unavailable to look more appealing: It doesn’t make you appealing. "Eventually, this routine grows old, and the other person will get tired of being told no [and begin to] suspect you're dating several people. Or they'll move on, because they’re dating others during the times you've said no," explains psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, the author of "Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days."
#15. Dissimilar values: He just wants to date and she wants to get married and start a family: This relationship has ended before it’s even started. "Sometimes, even when two people know they don't share similar values, one or both try to get the other to change. This will almost certainly lead to a relationship-ending death-spiral," says couples therapist Dr. Gary Brown.
#16. Poor hygiene: This one should be obvious, but to be more specific: Don't be too gross too soon. Leaving your dirty undies on their floor, going to the bathroom with the door open … falling into these habits too soon is a quick way to find yourself single.
#17. Ultimatums: "They’re nothing but a power play, and it makes the person on whom you’re bestowing the ultimatum feel backed into a corner," says Masini. Is that really how you want to get what you want? Ultimatums may seem like a good idea in theory, but they’re never a good idea in real life.