Ellen DeGeneres had the stars at the Oscars eating out of her hand - literally when she started handing out pizza. Best Host and other alternative awards from this year's ceremony, by Jim Shelley

By Jim Shelley

PUBLISHED: 13:22 EST, 3 March 2014 | UPDATED: 13:36 EST, 3 March 2014

People tend to think the Academy Awards are all about the Oscars given to the films and movie-makers during the ceremony.

But in TV terms, the show is the most star-studded three hours of entertainment in the year, and for the presenter, the most prestigious stand-up gig in showbusiness.

After recent duds and non-events hosted by Seth McFarlane (2013), James Franco & Anne Hathaway (2011), and Hugh Jackman (2009), this was Ellen DeGeneres’ second go at presenting and she immediately showed it will be hard to imagine a better successor to legendary regulars like Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal.

Ellen DeGeneres arrives in Elton John's living room for his annual Oscars' party. Or rather, on stage at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles - the slightly less showy of the two

Ellen DeGeneres arrives in Elton John's living room for his annual Oscars' party. Or rather, on stage at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles - the slightly less showy of the two

Her opening monologue began with proof that with stand-up, your best line should be your first.

‘For those of you watching around the world, it has be a tough couple of days here. It’s been raining...’ she quipped, in a reference to all the publicity that had concentrated on the potential problems for the red carpet. ‘We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.’

From there, she coasted through the awards with a confidence and self-effacing style helped in no small part by the inspired idea of spending a lot of the time in the audience instead of just appearing on her own on stage like most presenters.

After all, the actors in the crowd – like Leo, Brad, Meryl – were much bigger stars than she is and the ones whose reactions or behaviour we wanted to see. (Perhaps in retrospect we could have done with a little less of Bradley Cooper, whose film American Hustle was the big loser of the night.)

Ellen DeGeneres gives an early hint that it wasn't American Hustle's night by handing Bradley Cooper some consolation scratch cards for losing out on Best Supporting Actor - one of her many welcome forays amongst the star-studded audience

Ellen DeGeneres gives an early hint that it wasn't American Hustle's night by handing Bradley Cooper some consolation scratch cards for losing out on Best Supporting Actor - one of her many welcome forays amongst the star-studded audience

Ellen DeGeneres had the likes of Jonah Hill, Martin Scorsese, Leonardo Di Caprio and his mother eating out of the palm of her hand - literally when she started handing out slices of the pizza

Ellen DeGeneres had the likes of Jonah Hill, Martin Scorsese, Leonardo Di Caprio and his mother eating out of the palm of her hand - literally when she started handing out slices of the pizza

DeGeneres’ routine was helped by two other of-the-moment set pieces destined to go down in Oscar Ceremony history – the stunt of the two million re-tweeted selfie that ‘crashed twitter’ and the idea of ordering pizza.

She had already prefaced the Group Shot Re-Tweet with a gag about tweeting a picture of what an amazing feeling it was to be on stage and see so many famous faces, then taking a selfie of herself, rather than the audience, with the moment ‘hashtag Oscars, hashtag blessed.’

Ellen DeGeneres' less famous reference to the phenomenon of the moment was the more subtle gag of a selfie of her face which she said was going to have the caption '#Oscars #blessed'

Ellen DeGeneres' less famous reference to the phenomenon of the moment was the more subtle gag of a selfie of her face which she said was going to have the caption '#Oscars #blessed'

Jared Leto (left, seated) shows how he nearly left it too late for his eye to make it in to the selfie (picture above) that went on to have the Most Re-Tweets in the history of Twitter. So far...

Jared Leto (left, seated) shows how he nearly left it too late for his eye to make it in to the selfie (picture above) that went on to have the Most Re-Tweets in the history of Twitter. So far...

Bringing the delivery man from Big Mama’s and Papa’s Pizzeria on Sunset Boulevard, she asked: ‘who’s your favourite star here? Who do you want to say hello to?’ – a movie-in-the-making.

The quip ‘Wait I don’t have any money. Where’s Harvey Weinstein?’ was typical of her gentle but charming approach.

‘How about it, Lupita? Your stock just went up,’ she muttered to the star of 12 Years A Slave, moments after she had just won her first Oscar.

Ellen DeGeneres passes round Pharrell Williams' hat to collect money to tip the pizza delivery man, with the omnipresent Brad Pitt chipping in $20

Ellen DeGeneres passes round Pharrell Williams' hat to collect money to tip the pizza delivery man, with the omnipresent Brad Pitt chipping in $20

Admittedly, DeGeneres wasn’t as edgy or as funny as Chris Rock or Tina Fey & Amy Poehler and she wasn’t as desperately controversial as Ricky Gervais’ notorious Golden Globes stints.

But she had her moments. The evening ahead, she predicted could go two ways.

‘Possibility number one: 12 Years A Slave will win Best Picture. Possibility number two: you’re all racists.’

She said another nominated picture, Dallas Buyers Club, was: ‘a very important movie. It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos.’

Ellen DeGeneres wasn't as edgy or funny as rival hosts such as Chris Rock or the Golden Globes' Tina Fey and Amy Poehler but she had her moments. She suggested the evening could do two ways: 'Possibility number one: 12 Years A Slave will win Best Picture. Possibility number two: you're all racists'

Ellen DeGeneres wasn't as edgy or funny as rival hosts such as Chris Rock or the Golden Globes' Tina Fey and Amy Poehler but she had her moments. She suggested the evening could do two ways: 'Possibility number one: 12 Years A Slave will win Best Picture. Possibility number two: you're all racists'

In the only mean reference of the night was aimed at a not-entirely amused Liza Minnelli when DeGeneres said that those among the audience included: ‘the real Captain Phillips, the real Philomena and one of the best Liza Minnelli impersonators I have ever seen in my entire life. Good job sir.’

Lorna Luft seemed to enjoy Ellen DeGeneres's joke that her sister was in fact 'one of the best Liza Minnelli impersonators I've ever seen in my life' - rather more than Minnelli did. 'Good job sir !' DeGeneres quipped

Lorna Luft seemed to enjoy Ellen DeGeneres's joke that her sister was in fact 'one of the best Liza Minnelli impersonators I've ever seen in my life' - rather more than Minnelli did. 'Good job sir !' DeGeneres quipped

Having been described as a Liza Minnelli impersonator, the legendary daughter of Judy Garland (right, blue dress) caps off a bad night by trying - but failing - to appear in the world's most popular selfie

Having been described as a Liza Minnelli impersonator, the legendary daughter of Judy Garland (right, blue dress) caps off a bad night by trying - but failing - to appear in the world's most popular selfie

Mostly, DeGeneres' material consisted of jokes teasing other stars.

The title ‘Her’ was not the name of the Spike Jonze film of the same name but her way of referring to Meryl Streep.

‘Citizen Kane, Lawrence of Arabia, Ace Ventura...Our next presenter was in one of those. Jim Carrey!’

After Jennifer Lawrence had repeated her famous fall onstage by tripping on her way into the ceremony, DeGeneres suggested: ‘if you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar.’

'If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar,' beamed DeGeneres after Jennifer Lawrence repeated last year's fall on stage arriving at the red carpet

'If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar,' beamed DeGeneres after Jennifer Lawrence repeated last year's fall on stage arriving at the red carpet

Finally, of 84 year old June Squibb, she told the audience ‘she was wonderful in Nebraska’ before turning to Squibb and shouting: ‘I’M TELLING EVERYONE YOU WERE WONDERFUL IN NEBRASKA, THAT FILM YOU DID !’

Towards the end the marathon of making so many introductions did begin to wear her down and perhaps a bit more variety (like a co-host to bounce off or, God forbid, some musical numbers) might have helped.

But her self-effacing attitude towards the job in hand and fame that goes with it was a welcome change from the deluded egotism of some of the actors accepting the awards.

‘I put different clothes on, that’s right !’ she quipped after one costume change while there was more than just a grain of truth in the way she said ‘the most important thing in the world is love and friendship and family. Ad if people don’t have that, they usually get into show business.’

'Yeah ! That's right. I put different clothes on !' Ellen DeGeneres greeted the applause of the crowd by gently poking fun at herself, and the hosts of other award shows

'Yeah ! That's right. I put different clothes on !' Ellen DeGeneres greeted the applause of the crowd by gently poking fun at herself, and the hosts of other award shows

Here are some alternative awards from watching the night:

Worst Speech (Male): Jared Leto whose speech managed to encompass his fellow nominees (‘I’m so proud to share this journey with you all’), his mum (‘thank for teaching me to dream’), the people of the Ukraine and Venezuela (‘I want to say we are here’), and the 36million people who died of AIDS. ‘To those of you out there who have ever felt injustice because of who you are or who you love, tonight I stand here in front of the world with you and for you.’ What a guy!

Worst Speech (Female): Cate Blanchett whose speech was probably friendlier than it sounded, imploring her fellow stars giving her a standing ovation: ‘Sit down. You’re too old to be standing up’ and praising Sandra Bullock with the words ‘I could watch that performance til the end of time and by the end I felt I had.’ Ouch !

Best Speech (Male): the director of The Great Beauty, Paolo Sorrentino, for thanking his inspirations – ‘Fellini, Talking Heads, Martin Scorsese and Diego Maradona.’

Best Speech (Female): Lupita Nyong’o for the way she arrived on stage and just screamed ‘Yesssss !’ and then said ‘This film has been the joy of my life.’

'Yesssss ! This win has been the joy of my life' - the star of the show, Lupita Nyong'o, winner of the Best Supporting Actress also made the night's sweetest speech

'Yesssss ! This win has been the joy of my life' - the star of the show, Lupita Nyong'o, winner of the Best Supporting Actress also made the night's sweetest speech


Best Presenters: Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron who proved they were in fact members of a genetically bred blonde super-race by fluffing reading the autocue.

Worst Presenter (Male): Jim Carrey for his scary impression of Bruce Dern. Runner up: John Travolta introducing Idina Menzel as Adela Dazeem.

Most Awkward Presenter (Female): Jennifer Lawrence arriving on stage to introduce the award for Best Male Actor only to pause and ask the audience: ‘why are you laughing ? Is this funny?’

Most Awkward Presenters (Male & Female): Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak trying to forge a link between ‘animation’, McConaughey’s Magic Mike and Novak’s work in Vertigo.

Presenters Most Like Their Characters: Kevin Spacey (House Of Cards) and Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained).

Worst Award Intro: Naomi Watts who presented the Oscar for Best Costume & Design with the words of wisdom: ‘When a movie comes together just right its something of a miracle. But it feels as natural and inevitable as the weather.’ Yes, say what you like about the weather, it sure is...inevitable.

Worst Intro (Runner up): Sally Field introducing montage of real-life stories made into movies: ‘everyday quiet acts of heroism take place all over the world. Ordinary people who stand up and push back.’ God bless the ordinary people.

Coolest Female: Jared Leto’s mum (sitting near the front). Runner up: Steve McQueen’s mum (in the very back row, even though her son directed the winner of Best Film).

Coolest Male: Matthew McConaughey’s (dead) dad who, according to McConaughey was ‘up there with a big pot of gumbo, he’s got a lemon meringue pie over there, he’s probably in his underwear and he’s got a cold can of Miller Lite and he’s dancing.’

Best Moment: Lupita Nyong’o and Meryl boogying to Pharrell Williams during Happy (with Meryl sitting down). Runner up: Jamie Foxx’s Chariots of Fire impression.

Most Worrying Moment: the possibility that The Lone Ranger was going to win an Oscar – albeit just for ‘Achievement In Make Up & Hair Styling’, luckily losing to Dallas Buyers Club.

Best Song: Pink’s version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow (better than any of the songs in the Best Song category).

Alarming Older Legends: Harrison Ford’s earring, Bill Murray’s hair, John Travolta’s eyes.

Worst Manners: Leonardo DiCaprio turning down Ellen DeGeneres pizza.

The winner of the Oscar For Best Hairpiece went to U2''s answer to Bruce Forsyth, Bono

The winner of the Oscar For Best Hairpiece went to U2''s answer to Bruce Forsyth, Bono

Worst Rug: Bono from U2’s hairpiece.

Worst Trend: the increasing prevalence of beards sported by the likes of Jason Sudeikis, Michael Fassbender, Ewan McGregor, Chris Evans, Jared Leto.

Worst Fashion Accessory: Will Smith’s scarf.

Most Epic Fail: Leo Di Caprio who struck out with The Wolf of Wall Street, while Brad Pitt spent the night basking in the reflective glory of wife/humanitarian honorary Oscar winner Angelia Jolie and his role as producer of 12 Years A Slave. Brad also appeared in the famous group selfie AND chipped in $20 for the pizza delivery man, whilst DiCaprio snubbed a slice.

Runners up: American Hustle receiving no Oscars despite ten nominations. Liza Minnelli, struggling in vain to jump in to the back row the World’s Most Re-Tweeted Selfie – meaning Judy Garland’s daughter had lost out to the brother of Lupita Nyong’o.

Biggest Letdown: Sidney Poitier attending to present the Oscar for Best Director only for the winner (inexplicably) to be Gravity’s Alfonso Cuaron. We were thus denied the opportunity of seeing Steve McQueen - who should have won - becoming the first black director to win the award and receiving his award from Poitier even though his movie 12 Years A Slave later won Best Film.

Worst Message: seeing Brad Pitt take the microphone whilst the director Steve McQueen and the cast celebrated behind him – clearly a pre-planned arrangement that made you realise that, as far as Hollywood was concerned, 12 Years A Slave was a Brad Pitt film (despite his excruciating cameo), rather than a film by British director, Steve McQueen.

Best Motto: Matthew McConaughey whose speech ended with the words: “So to any of us, whoever it is we’re chasing: to that, I say ‘amen !’ To that, I say ‘alright, alright, alright!’ To that, I say ‘just keep living!’

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Of course she did....they starve for weeks in order to fit into those dresses.

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Damn, if I'd known I might have watched it...

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Ellen is just a light-hearted, fun person who is capable of doing the unexpected....just LOVE her!!! I would watch her if she read out the phone book because I know she would turn even that into a fun event!

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She has to host every event!!

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I watched it because of Ellen.

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She is the epitome of loveable.

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Ellen is definitely the best host - I like Chris Rock and Billy Crystal but I think that Ellen engratiates herself with the audience and really interacts with them, loved this year's Oscars and Lupita's speech was the best.

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Ellen is a great entertainer. She will be in the front line of it all for years and years to come. She put new life into the Old Oscars preening and schmoozing.

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Ellen is a cute looking dude, ahh!

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There were good moments, but I'm sorry - I liked Seth MacFarlane's work as host last year (yes, even THAT song), and it's a shame he declined the opportunity to host again. I can live without Ellen hosting again. Next year I think it should be Kevin Spacey.

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