41 thoughts on “Living with an Unrepentant, Porn-Abusing Husband: Advice to Weary Wives of Addicts

  1. This has been something that I have been feeling God calling me to for some time. Porn and not standing up as a spiritual leader, and… any other ongoing sin a man, or woman for that matter, struggle with are really SYMPTOMS of an illness of the heart and spirit. This by no means lessens(sp?) the pain those sins cause to the sinner`s love ones. (believe me, I know first hand) My point is that ANY ongoing sin is really a lack of reverence and healthy fear of God, and what Christ did for each of us. When you can grasp it, not in your mind, but in your heart, you have no real choice but to change, because Christ changes you. Of course this change is not over night, and it does take work on our part, but when we grasp in our HEARTS what Christ really did for us, we Are going to make progress, through His refining process. When we grasp what Grace really means we will willingly allow the Father to shape and refine us.
    Zechariah 13:9
    Jeremiah 9:7
    Malachi 3:3
    This is how it was for me.
    If you are a spouse dealing with your mates continual sin, start praying for them, not because you want them to be better for your sake but for Their sake. Try to take yourself out of the equation for now. See them not as your spouse only, but also as a brother/sister in Christ and lift them up as you would anyone else you know struggling for the eternal soul, because that really is what`s happening. This is an eternal fight and that person you love IS worth the battle. We have to see Christ in them, and love them as Christ would, with respect AND TRUTH!

    • My husband was in a 12 step program for 2years. We have been to Doug Weiss, he went to Mark Laaser and took a job where he is traveling most of the time. What Seems to be true is viewing pornography usually ends up in more acting out behaviors. Strip clubs, massage parlors, chatting with women online etc. We have been through so much and I continue to hold out hope and pray. We are separated at the time and I am very weary.

    • Hi Sonia. I am so, so sorry for the weary walk you are on. I hope that during this time of separation you can concentrate on your own healing. I find the wife’s healing often gets neglected in the recovery process; all the resources, time, and effort go into helping the husband. And he does need to recover, no doubt about it. But many, many times, wives will meet the criteria for PTSD, and they will receive almost no support in recovery from the trauma of marriage betrayal. If you haven’t had a counselor who is JUST FOR YOU, who can help you process your pain, then I urge you to find that person. Also, trauma-focused groups can be helpful. And of course, thinking about healthy boundaries is essential at a time like this. Here and here are some articles on boundaries. And here are some important thoughts on when divorce becomes appropriate. Peace to you, Kay

    • For any Christian leader to tell you to stay in this type of relationship is flat wrong. Yes try, and pray give him a chance, but do not waste your whole life on this relationship. You are Gods daughter! This is sexual unfaithfulness! God knows your heart. Stay close to the Lord He will let you know . Do not let other Christians make you feel like you are not Godly if God let’s you free yourself!

  2. Thanks, Kristi, for those helpful words of grace and truth. Indeed, those who have trapped themselves in the muck and mire of pornography do need compassion. Love must be evident in any response, yet it must be TOUGH. The message of truth must be strong enough to break through the brain-dulling, spirit-isolating effects of porn.

    Ironically, the responses I have received have been somewhat polarized. Some have called my position unduly harsh, even judgmental. But they have missed the point. People who sin and do not repent should experience the natural consequences of their wrongdoing. Viewing porn alienates the spouse of the sinner and destroys marital intimacy. Therefore, the sinning spouse should feel the impact of his or her choice.

    On the other hand, some have called my position permissive, primarily because I do not advocate outright divorce in response to viewing porn. I do, however, recommend serious consideration of the “Redemptive Divorce process,” which I outline in my book, “Redemptive Divorce.” Nevertheless, I want to stress the importance of action on the part of the upright spouse. He or she must not remain passive. I urge strong confrontation and the application of consequences in the article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?” (follow the link at the top of the main article.)

    My primary point in this post is this: Take a strong stand against this sin, apply all the principles of tough love outlined in my other articles, but do not allow coercion or control to become a motivation.

    If your spouse suspects control as your motivation, he or she will be distracted by a power struggle with you. We want his or her power struggle to be with God. And we KNOW who will prevail in that case!

  3. This written by a porn addicted husband afraid of losing his wife. Porn is the same as adultery.

    Matthew 5:28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

    Plain and clear straight from God’s word.

    As for divorce, I think a woman needs to think about what is best for her and her family. The pain I went through with my husband (whom I am still married to) is too much to bear a second time. A man who can’t commit to his wife and family and has no business being a husband or father. That is not the role model I want for my children.

    What happens when porn doesn’t become enough and you end up like my best friend’s father – forcing your daughter to watch it with you and raping her. She went on to do drugs and become a prostitute. Is that what you want for your children?

    What about my grandmother who was the good Christian wife who didn’t leave her marriage early enough. Her husband started raping her and beating her. After he molested his own daughter she finally left that marriage.

    No sir, not for me. My husband knows the consequences of hiding an addiction from me again. Either he is honest about it and truly desires and seeks help or I am gone with my family. I WILL NOT WAIT TILL ITS TOO LATE.

    • NOW.THIS is a woman who Truly understands Tough love!!! And I gave my husband the same alternative. …repent. turn from his sins, turn to GOD, seek counsel, accountability or else LEAVE and feel free to deal with GOD APART from my daughter and I. Bless you dear lady, and may.the LORD lovingly lead you by HIS FAITHFUL, COMFORTING HOLY.SPIRIT!

    • Thank you! Pornography is equivalent to adultry. Always was, always has been. Porn and abuse have destroyed my marriage. 7 children later and a husband arrested for child abuse. Any woman reading this needs to understand that with addiction comes a whole whole host of other problems. It’s too presumptuous to say stay in a marriage, just be patient and pay, as if that works for everyone. I get that saving marriages is important, but so is saving lives. If a husband chooses his addiction over living his wife and children, and being a good husband and father, than it is he who makes the choice to live with the consequences. Staying in a marriage where someone is repeatedly unfaithful is just enabling that person more of the same. I know, 18 years later, it’s time to quit.

  4. Jennie,

    Thanks for your frank response.

    Before I address your comments, let me ask you to avoid making assumptions about me or the other authors on this blog. I can appreciate the hurt you have suffered and your anger is justified. However, please don’t direct it against me. It’s very hurtful and unfair. While you might disagree with my perspective, I am on your side. My wife and I are completely united in our ministry to both men and women suffering the devastation of sin in their marriages. Not only porn addiction, but affairs, substance abuse, verbal-emotional-physical abuse, and behaviors I never imagined one married partner could perpetrate against another.

    The authors on this forum come from a broad assortment of backgrounds, bringing a wide range of expertise and perspectives on this difficult issue. Some are recovering addicts; most are not. The dedicated people of CovenantEyes have invited the guest authors to contribute articles to help equip people struggling with this menace to homes and families. Some readers struggle with porn/sex addiction. Some need to understand the dangers because their exposure is limited or naive. Many are spouses of sex addicts.

    My article–just one of several on this site and, therefore, should not be read in isloation–comes from the perspective of one who believes that marriages can rise above the destruction of sin. However, I also believe we need a completely new approach to solving the problem. In the past, the church has offered only two options when one partner remains steadfastly unrepentant of sin: endure the suffering or discard the marriage. Neither is acceptable. That’s like saying the only remedy for a headache is a guillotine.

    I offer another approach. One that doesn’t tolerate sin, but seeks to redeem the sinner and restore the marriage through a carefully planned tough-love confrontation. (Within the article above, links to other articles will help explain what this entails.) In the course of taking a tough-love stand against sin, the marriage may, indeed, end in divorce. If it does, experience has taught us that the healing process for the upright partner is quicker and more complete in the aftermath.

    Because this is but one of several articles written for spouses of porn addicts, it represents only a small segment of the counsel I offer. Therefore, it cannot be read in isolation. I encourage you to read the others. For example, in the article “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?,” I interact with Matthew 5:28 in very detailed fashion. However, just because Jesus didn’t support divorce in cases of lust, doesn’t mean the wounded partner should remain passive. On the contrary, my other articles, including “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?,” spell out a very aggressive response. In fact, I have written an entire book to lay out both the theology and a practical plan to confront sin. And that confrontation, more often than not, causes the sinning partner to choose divorce rather than repent.

    Jennie, I welcome your questions and even your objections. But rest assured, I am on your side as the sufferer of unrepentant sin.

    • Is there any way I could speak with you? I have been in a marriage that includes porn, exposing himself and posting pictures online to engage with other women, several physical affairs (at least 3 that I am aware of), seeking out nude beaches and then just a complete disregard for my wishes on a daily basis (I could deal with that if I was not afraid it might lead to him looking at inappropriate stuff with my son around or even bringing him to a nude beach. He lies so I don’t think I can trust him that he is going where he says he is going, but I do believe my son would tell me (3 yo) if he saw something inappropriate). I have been at this for three years and been trying the unconditional grace way. I know it takes time but at this point I want to make sure I am protecting my son and it is so emotionally and mentally unhealthy to be intimate with him. I feel used afterwards and the interaction is completely devoid of emotional connections (if I have to be honest it always has been). I am not looking for a divorce; I could care less one way or another at this point. I just want to be obedient to God (no matter what that looks like) stay healthy and protect my son and the child on the way), I’m feeling pretty lost and helpless but I know God is with me. I will seek Him and His direction.

  5. Barbara,

    Your response is heartrending in its simplicity.

    Our society considers porn a mildly objectionable form of marital betrayal, but as you know, it is devastating to women who desire genuine intimacy. Moreover, you have been asked by your husband to live as normal and relate to him as though nothing were wrong, and he has the shrugging approval of the world behind him.

    You don’t have to sacrifice your dignity for his mental and emotional defect. I invite you to follow the guidelines in the article,My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?

    Only the addict can seek help for himself. Your job as his mate is to set firm boundaries, maintain high personal standards of purity and sexual health, communicate clearly what you want, and then stand firm. When he is ready to do something about his problem, invite him to consider this sex addiction assessment tool, which lists several suggested resources to address this potentially marriage-ending sin.

    Resist the urge to change your husband. Don’t even convince him to change himself. Instead, focus on your own wellbeing. I highly recommend the help of a Christian counselor to help support you during this difficult time.

    Stand firm. And remember, Barbara, no matter what anyone says, you are not the crazy one here. Some will try to convince you otherwise, but you are right to expect mental and emotional fidelity from your husband.

  6. I have been married for 8 1/2 years and have a 6 and 7 year old. My husband and I are both 41 years old.

    Almost 4 years ago, I found out that he is a “sex addict”. I’m beginning to just call it sin. My husband has slept with probably 50+ women AND men. He has admitted to me I think about 30.

    I have stayed with him all this time, but the worst part is that he blames me “If you weren’t such a b****, I never would have cheated”. I know this is a lie from Satan, but he really believes it.

    On top of all of that, he continually cuts me out of his life when I do something that “hurts” him (yell, nag , etc) He takes off his ring and won’t talk to me for months on end.

    I have had it. He has an unrepentent heart and will never accept true responsibility for his choices. I mean no offense to the women whose husbands are into porn, but I wish it was “just porn” in my situation. The hurt is unbearable.

    I’d love any godly advice you have to give me. Most tell me to run and leave him, some say stay.

  7. Dawn,

    In most cases, I gently suggest, “You may want to look into my book, Redemptive Divorce.” In your case, I urge you strongly. Your case is beyond extreme.

    I think you will find in these pages the response you are seeking. It describes how to stop “nagging,” take definitive action to protect yourself and your children against out-of-control sin, communicate tough love and realistic expectations, assemble a useful support network, and to apply positive pressure toward repentance using legal consequences he cannot ignore.

    You can read the first chapter online either at Amazon.com or Google Books.

    God has placed His strength within you to stand up for what is right. The book will explain a biblically sound method of godly confrontation and boundary setting. May He also grant you the courage to follow through!

  8. My husband is not only a porn addict.He is sexually ,verbally and emtionally abusive.Iam acristian and he ask me to do things that are wrong.Such as shoing my body to other men.Like a truck driver while he is driving.Or his friends. The list goes on. In fact he makes list for me and not only these things but some of it is gross and really sick. He is really hateful wheh I don’t do these things. He uses my being a christian and says I’m supossed to do whatever he asks.Also he says all other women do these things for thier husbands.He does not sleep with me and rarely talks unless he asking me to do these things or making deals to take out to dinner only if I do these things.
    Ican’t continue like this and I do pray about this every day.

    • Hi, Jean

      You already know that your husband’s behavior, his motivations, and his requests are wrong. You know in your spirit that he doesn’t speak for God. He is a very disturbed man who needs to seek help.

      You cannot make that decision for him. All you can do is decide what behavior you will tolerate and what you will do in response to his deviant activities. Communicate those clearly and calmly without argument. Then follow through with what you have said you will do.

      As I said to Dawn in the reply above your note, your case is extreme. I highly recommend the book, Redemptive Divorce. It will help you with your perspective and give you practical steps to follow. It’s time to reclaim your life.

      Stand strong!

  9. Wow, to begin, I completely disagree with a man counseling a woman regarding her husband’s porn addiction…

    Anyway, in our family, we use CovenantEyes & are getting married claiming Matthew 5:28, and promising not to cheat on each other. 

    Jesus said porn is adultery. He doesn’t care for protecting sin from public knowledge, which is why he addressed the Pharisees with these words. 

    You are promoting keeping it secret, thus avoiding the consequences of adultery. Makes sense, since you speak like a man who has used porn. No woman wants to hear what you are saying, I’m guessing.

    I have sought counsel from a female counselor. Porn will not be tolerated in our home. A Christian man who is the spiritual leader with a Christian wife who takes care of his needs (physical & emotional) will have no problem with porn. All he has to do is submit fully to God. 

    Bad Habits have been made popular as “addictions” in modern culture. If the wages of sin (porn) = death, and Jesus gives us Grace, we are blessed, not excused. If a man knew he would drop dead immediately upon viewing porn, he would not do it. 

    Most men understand if they cheat, they’ll lose their wives. You’re creating a blurry, gray purgatory for both sides by advocating a woman staying quietly with a man committing porn/adultery and withholding sex from him. Neither is scriptural. 

    Porn is ridiculous. Most husbands won’t do it if everyone knows about it. But Christians are great at hypocrisy & keeping secrets, thereby allowing sin to continue. 

    Challenge one another, but Love one another as Christ loves the church. It’s gotta be His love & His way. Summit to His authority & porn is reduced to a bad habit that is easily stopped. 

    The love of a wife, including lovemaking, will not stop if the woman is faithful to her vows, neither will the man cheat on his wife. Porn is cheating. Period. 

    Argue your point with Jesus, Mark. Not one Christian wife here will side with you, we know in our hearts it’s cheating. And Jesus agrees with us.

    • Christine,

      If you read this article in isolation, I can see how you might be mistaken about my position on porn, the most effective response, and even my own personal history. I invite you to read the other articles here and on my blog for a more informed perspective.

      For what it’s worth, I share your intense anger and ongoing frustration with this particular sin. I, too, remain heartsick over the misery it brings to both parties of a marriage. It is a living death for which we must continually seek effective remedies.

  10. “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

    Always seek God patiently to find out what he wants you to do. Each scenario is different. -With Love.

  11. I caught my husband saving child porn. I have a son and a deep love for children. So I held onto these images, even though I told my husband & his parents that I destroyed them. I was in shock for months but knew of my husbands past of horrific molestation and abuse. I felt sorry for him. Well, I caught him doing it again, downloading child porn, so this time I involved the SBI. I have begged my husband to get help, prayed, fasted, etc. My husband ids athiest. became born again in after we got married. I feel guilty for turning him in, but child porn is a crime. If my husband goes to jail, I will keep praying that my marriage be saved and for his salvation, BUT people are telling me I’m crazy, to leave him now, etc. God is love and forgives. So I’m confused and it’s mentally draining. I’ve suffered so much mental abuse since he is an alcoholic. Lord help me…

  12. I first caught him 1 month after we were married. Nearly 13 years of pornography, lying, broken promises, repeated forgiveness by me, sacrifices by me, compromises by me. I would do whatever it takes for my family. It hurts to feel that I am not good enough to warrant the same from him. Loving him is killing me. Knowing that I have to suffer his behavior and the way his actions make me feel makes existing unbearable. Trying to raise 3 boys to be good men is hard.

    • rg, I’m so sorry to hear this. Have you been able to find support for yourself among friends and family? So many women feel like they are alone in these things.

    • Luke,
      I have reached out to the pastor’s wife and she has been some help. My family and friends are 3,000 miles away since I just moved away from home a little over a year ago. I do feel alone by not being around family and friends and being in a new place that is isolated geographically from anything.

    • It is good you have another woman to talk to about this. I would definitely lean on her wisdom. You might, at some point, feel it is appropriate to involve your pastor as well. He might have some insight as a man into your husband’s problem. Your husband might need help realizing the just how much of a toll this is taking on you. Perhaps some men at your church can come alongside him in this.

    • rg, if you want to talk send me a message. I’m you 12 years from now if you don’t get out and get help.

  13. After 25 years of suffocating pain caused from countless lies & forgiveness, alienation from my family, children & friends because I wouldn’t leave, I am finally giving up. My husbands addictions is escalating into scary depravity & I cannot be a part of it any longer. I should have left him long ago for my sake, my families sake and yes even God’s sake. It’s 25 wasted years & he’s still headed for hell.

    I don’t hate him, I pity him and that’s what’s made it so difficult. But I found myself begging God to let me die because of my ruined life, my shame, my searching,begging, my destroyed ravaged soul. It’s my fault I made the vow, I should have been more cautious. God will forgive me. I don’t ever intend to marry again. It will take me what’s left of my life just to recover enough to have any semblance of peace, joy & sanity. If you’re going to counsel women to try everything & stay in it, you should put limits on what they’re “expected” to endure. I was so devoted to my vows because of the bible that this ended up totally destroying my life. My parents, both deceased, never got to see me happy and now I can never make it up to them. Christ wouldn’t want this for me or my family and I know He loves me. I’m ending it. Asking a woman to be strong, perfect & brave while she’s rewarded with back-stabbing cruelty is a tall order for the strongest of us. I did it and just ended up with more of the same. The thing is that I realized is that I’m part of a play that he’s created to show to the world & he presents a face to that play of who he pretends he is; but in the darkness of his mind & in truth he’s a very sick, disturbed evil being. He’s wicked and unrepentant! That’s what he is! I will always pray for the lost. God knows someone prayed for me, but I won’t live anymore with this vile, putred wickedness.

    My husband seems like satan to me now. It’s so clear how the enemy totally controls him and probably loved destroying me and my family through my husband while I hung on in devoted promise keeping. The bible also says after the 2nd admonition to reject a heretic. That’s the advice I should’ve clung to. I wasn’t a Christian when I married my husband or MAYBE I would have had more sense, to be more careful about character, but I wasn’t. I came to faith in Christ 3 months after we were married.

    What a nightmare my life has been. If I had let go in the beginning, when He first promised to stop & kept lying; made him seek help & then leave when He couldn’t or wouldn’t take responsibility but made everything my fault. There’s been so much damage that even if he truly repented ( which seems impossible to me actually ) that I could never ever believe him. He cannot be trusted. I have to be careful not to lay his sin at every mans feet but I do have a very difficult time now trusting any man. Lord help us!

    • While we pray for repentance and reconciliation, separation and divorce is often the hard reality. I’m sorry to hear that your situation has reached that point.

      As a comment on separation and divorce in general (not your story in particular), sometimes when the spouse leaves it finally becomes the crisis point for the porn user to get help. Jon, for example, has a great story.

  14. I have been married to a man for the past ten years with a 20 year addiction. We have three children together. I’m heartbroken. When we hot married, I had absolutely no idea he was a porn addict. Likeany women I my shoes, I started suspecting something was off when he didn’t want normal physical relations, rejected my advances, and always liked being alone. I did everything in my power to attract him and nothing worked. I finally discovered his addiction which he minimized and denied continuously. For the first seven years, I remained quiet about it and confided in a friend or two here or there. I felt like that was the God honoring thing to do for my husband. I continued to think it was me not being good enough. Whenever I would catch him, he would deny it and tell me I was just an untrusting person and blame my anger on me. His dad is a Presbyterian pastor and I thought sending my husband to him for accountability and counsel was the best thing to do. I soon found out that Paul minimized everything to them and their entire family, including a sis in law who is a counselor, decided that I had Borderline Personality Disorder because I was “overreacting” to a situation that wasn’t really an issue. I found no support from his family, instead I was the ONE put in the bad light and they victimized my husband. In the meantime, he was still surfing porn and I even had proof. I ended up going to our pastor and just wept and poured out my heart to him. They called Paul, my husband, before them and he manipulated and lied about his issue so much that they were beginning to feel I was the one who was crazy. He has been so cool, calm, and collected through all of this. I went to several coubsrling sessions with him and the stopped attending when he sat there and minimized, blame shifted, and blatantly lied to the counselor about his addiction. He agreed to go on his own to therapy,but always came home and continued feeling justified and continuing his addiction, all while blaming me for unforgiveness and bitterness. Any reaction I have had, many of which have been bad, has been used against me in order to justify himself. He has made himself a victim instead of the perpetrator here and paints me out to be the person he is towards the kids and I. It is scary to deal with someone like this. I have stayed so my kids can have a stable home and two parents under the same roof. I have tried to love him through this and blessing him and praying for him like I feel Scripture commands us to do with those who hurt us. I have also sought to control his addiction by laying down what I thought were boundaries, but he called an ultimatum. I told him two weeks ago when he got caught by a friend of mine, that he would need to see a sex addiction therapist, join a men’s support group, and actively fight this or the kids and I would need to leave. He refused and told us to go find our “greener pastures”. I did leave and drive 2000 miles back home. I left him a note stating what my expectations are regarding him treating this and that it was his choice but we needed to stay away until he could deal with his addiction. My family is now broken up and I am so sad. I never want to hurt my kids, but I also feel like my husbands addiction is hurting us and until he realizes what this is is doing to our family, I don’t feel like we are okay staying. I also don’t know how to not get upset over the labeling of me over his addiction, the blame shifting, and the hatred he has towards me over all of this. I feel like this addiction is his to own, not mine. Help. I need some godly counsel here. If it were your family, what would you do?

  15. This is his problem not yours. I have lived with porn and masturbation for 49 years. I never had a husband .The minute we were married he turned his back on me and the marriage. This miss has taken away my health and my mind. All I do today is go to doctors to try to save myself.. I am finally getting this man out of my life. He will not change, get yourseft a better life

  16. i married my boyfriend of 3yrs whom i didnt love for a residential status. when we got married neither of us were christians.i have cancelled my application for the status,ive wanted to leave him from two weeks we’ve been together, because we have never connected emotionally,and we had been using porn because after two weeks of the relationship because i lost any attraction i had towards him.i am a christian now,i still want to leave him, he abuses alcohol, drugs and pornography.he provides financially and very neglective and abusive emotionally, he says he shows me love because he provides for me. i have prayed for him, tried talking to him about God and he told me he doesnt want to hear anything about it and he gets very angry and would rather spend his time with his friends getting high and drunk then comes home and wants sex. i never loved him and he doesnt love me either, so we continually make each other miserable.i became a christian about 6mnths ago, but before that we had spoken about divorce and we both didnt mind going through it, however now im very confused because i want to please God, but im sooo miserable, i feel like im in prison, and once we get divorced i cant remarry. what do i do. my marriage didnt even have a proposal, i got in trouble with the law cos of my residential status and my solicitor advised me to marry him. even my husband agrees that he only married me to help me than out of love and that is the truth.

    • Hi Mrs. M. I think you need to look at the choice before you: leave him and let the chips fall, or stay with him and stay in an emotional prison. From what little you’ve said about him, I pray you leave him. No woman deserves to be married to a porn-loving, drug-abusing man.

      I highly recommend you read these articles. They will help bring some clarity: 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.

  17. I tried this approach with my husband for over 10 years. Thought things were finally getting better. I found out 2 weeks ago that he has been sexually abusing or oldest daughterfor years. He is now awaiting a trial and going to prison. I now have 7 children who have no father.

    • Rachel, I am so, so, sorry for the pain you and your children are suffering. My heart is just broken for you.

      I completely disagree with the author of this article. So often, women and children are unsafe in the presence of a sex addict, as you’ve tragically experienced.

      I think there is a very naive idea out there that “it’s just porn” and the answer is to “be a good Christian woman”–but the truth is, many women have been abused in relationships like this: verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically. Many women have contracted sexually transmitted diseases in situations like this.

      And, most tragically of all, children have been abused in situations like this.

      I think what we have to do, instead, as women, is KNOW THE TRUTH about our situations, and be willing to HAVE GOOD BOUNDARIES and make the hard choices that are sometimes necessary to keep ourselves and our children safe.

      Many times, separation from a sex addict is the RIGHT thing to do. And as the issue of porn and sexual addiction comes more and more to light in the church, there are new ways of thinking about it. I don’t know if you’ve seen Luke Gilkerson’s article on how he changed his mind about porn as a basis for divorce, but here’s the link for that.

      I think if the church is really going to be a voice for hope in the world, we’ve got to move beyond proof-texting and instead look at what constitutes real justice and real mercy for the real victims in these tragic situations.

      I personally could never, ever say to a child of God–male, female, young or old–that staying and being abused is God’s will for them. Jesus himself said that anyone who harmed a child ought to find a millstone and jump into the deepest part of the sea. I think Jesus is pretty passionate about protecting the victims of abuse! Shame on us for turning away and telling them to stay be abused instead!

      Praying healing and hope for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family. Kay

  18. So when a man is so engrossed in porn that he can not be a physical husband to his wife, it is not grounds for divorce??? Are you kidding me???

    I waited for SEVENTEEN LONG YEARS for my husband to make PERMANENT changes in his habits.

    I am tired of having every holiday ruined, every anniversary ruined, every birthday ruined with the knowledge that SOONER OR LATER I will find more evidence of BETRAYAL on his computer.

    We tried counseling, talked to THREE preachers, I installed K-9 on all the computers.

    But you know what? If man wants to find filth bad enough, he will find a way.

    Imagine always waiting for the other shoe to drop AGAIN and realizing you are married to a centipede. TOO MANY shoes dropping will kill any marriage. This is NOT what God wants for my life.

    If YOU want to live with an habitual porn addict GO FIND ONE!! I will not waste another minute of my life wondering when he will betray me again!!

    I would say God bless you but I would rather say God, give this man a clue!!!

    Been There

  19. This is awful advice. Pornography is not just marital unfaithfulness, but much of it includes lesbianism, sodomy, rape and violence against women. To allow this kind of evil in any home, especially with children able to find it, is not being a biblically accountable Christian.

    The key word in the title of your post is “unrepenant.” If a spouse demonstrates a consistent pattern of not being able to repent, there is no reason to believe that person is saved.

    1 Corinthians 7:15 clearly explains that a genuinely saved Christian is not in bondage to an abusive unrepenant unbeliever.

    I highly recommend Jeff Crippen’s blog, A Cry for Justice which thoroughly explains what depart means in that verse. It is not a geographical departure, as few abusers ever leave, but a departing and forsaking of the marriage covenant.

    It is high time the church stop making excuses for wolves in sheep’s clothing who demonstrate a reprobate mind. So many women and children’s lives are ruined because pastors and churches can’t deal with the fact that many of their members are unregenetate devils.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *