‘The most complex challenge ever set in the first week!’ Paul Hollywood’s undignified boast, dismissing every contestant’s efforts in seven BBC series, summed up Channel 4’s unimaginative copy of the Great British Bake Off, by Jim Shelley

• e-mail

The good news was that The Great British Bake Off was safe.

Channel 4 had not ruined the nation’s favourite programme.

The bad news? The new Great British Bake Off was… safe. A bit bland, lacking spice, and just stale.

Channel 4’s producers hadn’t even tried to improve the original, just followed the BBC’s recipe so closely/ unimaginatively what they served up was a pointless copy, a pale imitation.

Scroll down for video 

Indifferent: The good news was that The Great British Bake Off was safe, Channel 4 had not ruined the nation’s favourite programme. The bad news? The new Great British Bake Off was… safe. A bit bland, lacking spice, and just stale 

In 2016, nine out of the top most-watched programmes were episodes of GBBO. And yet as the launch of such an expensive, lucrative, popular, creation this definitely did not qualify as a Showstopper. It was merely a solid, but soulless, first attempt.

C4’s team had one idea for GBBO and that was basically

adopt the mantra: ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.’

When it started your first emotion was relief this would at least not be another Top Gear.

Dubious double act: Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig performed the traditional wacky introduction... with Toksvig pretending to phone Sue Perkins. Their awkward banter and forced eccentricity continued for the whole show

Sandi Toksvig and Noel Fielding performed the traditional wacky introduction - in a hot-air balloon, with Toksvig pretending to phone Sue Perkins. Their awkward banter and forced eccentricity continued for the whole show. Fielding’s tired, aged, attempts at being youthfully anarchic were particularly embarrassing.

He ate a marigold and grinned that he was going to take his trousers off. A wild and crazy guy !

Prue Leith was both an obvious and a smart choice as Mary Berry’s replacement. She is intelligent, sharp, and a cooking legend.

Otherwise, everything was EXACTLY THE SAME.

Welcome addition: Prue Leith was both an obvious and a smart choice as Mary Berry’s replacement. She is intelligent, sharp, and a cooking legend

The familiar, jaunty, theme-tune was followed by the famous white tent surrounded by acres of unnaturally green countryside. The kitchen, Union Jack bunting, Hollywood handshake, and catchphrases were unchanged.

Toksvig and Fielding were ridiculously excited about barking ‘on your marks, get set, bake!’

Toksvig shouted ‘Bakers, you’ve got five minutes !’ the same way Mel & Sue did, but not as well.

That looks familiar: The jaunty, theme-tune was followed by the famous white tent surrounded by acres of unnaturally green countryside. The kitchen, Union Jack bunting, Hollywood handshake, and catchphrases were unchanged

Surely they could have changed something – come up with a new slogan, or alter one of the three challenges.

As for the contestants we had the usual shots of the bakers kneeling down, anxiously peering into the oven.

Stacey threw what she had made in the bin while Yan had obligatory cameo as the one who hadn’t turned the oven on properly.

Here we go: Toksvig shouted ‘Bakers, you’ve got five minutes !’ the same way Mel & Sue did, but not as well

And naturally we had to endure the twee introductory VTs of the contestants at home.

The range of 12 bakers had just enough ‘diversity’ for Channel 4 without ever being in danger of anything edgy – or actually interesting.

Peter baked for his local church, Sophie was a former army officer, and Liam a student nicknamed ‘Cake Boy.’

Others included health & safety inspector, a software developer, a marketing executive, an architect, and an IT manager. Phew ! Rock ‘n’ roll!

Boring: The range of 12 bakers had just enough ‘diversity’ for Channel 4 without ever being in danger of anything edgy – or actually interesting

The most radical was Kate, a young Liverpudlian described as ‘a keen amateur blacksmith’ – a hobby that had the unusual novelty of being both unconventional and old-fashioned.

Julia, who was ‘born in Russia and now lives in West Sussex’ (if you’re wondering) played the Christopher Maloney Lovely Gran Card.

‘Julia bakes while Skyping her nan in Siberia,’ Fielding cheered, which certainly preferable to going to live there to look after her.

Some of the claims sounded frankly unlikely.

In the running: The most radical was Kate, a young Liverpudlian described as ‘a keen amateur blacksmith’ – a hobby that had the unusual novelty of being both unconventional and old-fashioned

Finance manager/rhubarb fanatic James had supposedly been gardening with his dad on his allotment since he was five, which personally sounds just like cruelty.

Steven said his mum had started teaching him to bake when he was three.

Steven was a pathological show-off, crazed with ambition about winning, and taking it all WAY too seriously.

He had ‘a spray gun for edible colour’ for heaven’s sake.

Unusual: Finance manager/rhubarb fanatic James had supposedly been gardening with his dad on his allotment since he was five, which personally sounds just like cruelty

Mind you, he did make toffee apples that had plumes of flame (actually toffee) bursting out the top.

‘Oh wow!’ cooed Fielding.

‘Yeah I know. Amazing right?’ preened Steven.

In the Showstopper Challenge his ‘illusion cake’ looked like a loaf, a fried egg, and a sandwich.

Impressive: Steven was a pathological show-off, crazed with ambition about winning, and taking it all WAY too seriously. Mind you, he did make toffee apples that had plumes of flame (actually toffee) bursting out the top

‘That is stunning!’ gasped Hollywood, although it was ultimately only a cake that looked like a sandwich.

‘Astonishing!’ agreed Leith. ‘You wouldn’t think that wasn’t bread would you?’

Well, you would when you tasted it…

The supposed levels of excitement in the Bake Off always have been lost on me.

‘It’s just a sponge,’ said James. ‘No one’s gonna die !’

Exactly.

Serious business: Hollywood became very stern when the huge blobs of black chocolate on the side of Stacey’s ‘designer clutch bag cake’ suggested she didn’t really know what the term ‘designer’ meant (or cost)

Hollywood became very stern when the huge blobs of black chocolate on the side of Stacey’s ‘designer clutch bag cake’ suggested she didn’t really know what the term ‘designer’ meant (or cost).

‘It looks like a decorated cake rather than a handbag !’ Paul Hollywood thundered.

THAT’S BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS! you thought.

‘Making a cake that doesn’t look like a cake is the most complex challenge ever set in the first week of the Great British Bake Off!’ Hollywood had claimed bluntly.

Well it definitely was on Channel 4, yes…

Bizarre: Talking about the Bake Off as if it had always been on Channel 4 seemed odd to say the very least and rather disparaging, dismissing every contestant’s efforts in their challenges on the BBC

Including six years’ and seven series’ of the BBC version? Well whether it was the ‘most complex’ or ‘strongest’ test was ultimately a matter of opinion.

Talking about the Bake Off as if it had always been on Channel 4 seemed odd to say the very least and rather disparaging, dismissing every contestant’s efforts in their challenges on the BBC. To make such an arrogant, insensitive, boast on the very first episode of the new Channel 4 show was just undignified and slightly pathetic. I mean, who cared if Channel 4’s GBBO had the toughest challenge for a first episode? No-one except him.

Not right: There was something tawdry about the new Great British Bake Off, about the way Channel 4 had ruthlessly/needlessly poached it from the BBC, and ultimately broken up such a popular team rather than just devise their own cookery show

It reiterated there was something tawdry about the new Great British Bake Off, about the way Channel 4 had ruthlessly/needlessly poached it from the BBC, and ultimately broken up such a popular team rather than just devise their own cookery show.

Of course Paul Hollywood was the only one of the four who had defected with the show. No doubt he’d always thought that he, not Mary Berry, had been the star of the Bake Off. Now he was.

Like the programme itself, it was a hollow triumph.