# Poked around on my NAS drive and found a backup of this site from June 24th 2017. If I remember correctly, I put my site on hiatus during that time and started work on a very minimalist design. Kinda a shame this never saw the light of the day. In case you're wondering, here's the todo list mentioned in the header. I think I wrote it during holidays in Greece. Turns out I've almost reached the bottom (and yes, I'm pretty contented actually).
I also found even older backups of the journals, back from when I was in maximum depression mode. Don't know whether to reupload them tho. I think they could be interesting to read and offer some insight to other depressed people here, but on the other hand they're a little too edgy for my taste.
Bonus: reuploaded this.
# The soundtrack of Conker's Bad Fur Day is being issued on vinyl! Hype hype hype, because this is an insanely good soundtrack to the best game of all times! Where else do you have a singing pile of shit, unnecessary violence and a cute and cynical squirrel as a main character which would turn even me into a notorious furry?
I've also got some personal connection to CBFD which I'd like to write down one day, but I'm afraid I won't do the game justice.
# Watched Park Chan-wook's The Handmaiden. Can greatly recommend it.
# The Debian maintainers have an embarassingly retarded discussion about whether to include a funny ASCII artpiece depicting zoophilia in cowsay, an ascii art tool which comes with some Linux distributions.
This is a legal issue in many countries. Even if it's not well-defined by law if ASCII representations of Zoophilia are legal or not, I'd rather prefer not to take a chance being involved in a lawsuit when such a file could be found on my computer.
Please remove the file from the packages as soon as possible. Thank you.
For the record, we're talking about THIS:
__ (oo) ( ) /--\ __ / \ \ UooU\.'@@@@@@`.\ ) \__/(@@@@@@@@@@) / (@@@@@@@@)(( `YY~~~~YY' \\ || || >>
I can't even begin to imagine who might be infuriated about this. (Spoiler: a German woman, as it seems.) As I happen to live in Germany, I can tell you this is clearly defined as art. This person makes a mountain out of a dust speck. Hell, you can even have Mein Kampf on your computer or sell it without getting busted! (Law says: the book is older than the Federal Republic of Germany and therefore can't be meant to attack the Federation. Cool, huh?)
That being said, this image even is located in the cowsay-off package which CLEARLY states:
This package contains cows which some may consider to be offensive. Please do not install this package if you or your users are easily offended.
Well, Felicia, here's a hint in case you did not understand: DON'T FUCKING INSTALL IT if it offends you. It's as simple as that.
At least, Dominik George gets it right:
I'm sorry, but in fact, your concern should be that you are obviously unable to control what you install on your system. You can read a handbook on this topic - but please leave unrelated maintainers alone - they are not the support crew for your personal system's administration.
Bonus addendum: FreeBSD shipped Hitler quotes. That's either savage as hell or something to worry about. I can't decide.
Bonus addendum addendum: I think it's something to worry about. Imagine running FreeBSD with fortune set up as your motd and having your machine connected to a beamer at university. It wouldn't be that great to have everybody look at a quote of Adolf Hitler after you firing up the shell.
# I need more:
I should improve:
# Best thing about low temperatures outside: I can use the sill as a fridge.
... and Fedora 27 is out now.
# I got my power supply back!! My loving creators shipped the package 17 hours ago and it's already here. Thank you Deutsche Post, I don't hate you anymore. Farewell abusing my NAS as a desktop, welcome back, high dpi and gorgeous typography!
# Because I'm dopey as shit, I forgot my laptop's power supply at my parents'. Instead of growing desperate, I decided to set up fluxbox on my NAS, which is a fucking terrible thing to do if you're used to Fedora's dnf, but CentOS still uses yum. Or if you're used to a rich desktop environment. Or antialiased fonts. Actually, fonts at all.
Anyway, I'm kinda proud of myself to have pulled off the whole setup in ~20 minutes, but it feels like using Arch again. It hurts. A lot.
Addendum: Why the fuck is Google the default search provider in Firefox with auto-suggestions enabled? I can't even TYPE one thing in the address bar without having established a connection to Google. Fuck you, Mozilla.
Addendum 2: Firefox 57 is out. It's slick, fast and beautiful. Just don't forget to turn off the data-hoarding shit.
# Germany: Europe's leading industry nation. One of the wealthiest countries in the world.
Also Germany: A place where it's perfectly normal for your train to spontaneously be TWO HOURS late. And I can't even vent to a friend since my mobile connection drops out every other second. This is an embarassing country.
# Watched The Nice Guys, which was a great mélange of Neo-noir and surreal, absurd humour.
Also, snowy greetings from a lonely train station somewhere in Germany.
I've also thought about some serious videos I could create and share with you. I made tons of recordings in may 2017 in Greece and I always wanted to do something with them. But first, I'd need to find them on my thousands of hard disks.
# Another euro wasted at a snack vending machine. This time, my item didn't even get stuck — the machine just happened to do literally NOTHING but displaying “Thank you.” after eating my money. I swear I'm going to import polish firecrackers on New Year's Eve and nuke the next machine that does this to me, leaving the place with satisfied, glorious laughter.
# Had to do some C homework with a fellow student (who knew nothing, but I'm not mad at him... it's insane to teach C in the first semester). He said I swore at C about 30 times in 10 minutes. Seems right. But that assignment made me realise I don't hate programming as much as I thought, I just hate doing it alone. It's lots of fun with someone to talk to while writing software. This guy also said he's impressed with my C knowledge. I admitted I had probably written about 10 lines of C ever before. It made me somewhat proud of myself that I got lots of things right at first try.
# I finally took the time to configure my terminal and vim a little. It would be too little to be proud of it, but this setup finally is something I can work with and quite solid. Here's how it looks!
# Update: I could not buy the keyboard for €1 — the seller suddenly demanded €35, which is an insane amount for a fucking used plastic keyboard from Logitech. I instead bought some other €3 keyboard from a 60-year-old guy who was sorry I had to wait for him at the bus stop for ten minutes. I told him it was okay and not his fault that my bus was too early, but he said “I just hate waiting. It's East Germany mentality, you had to wait for everything there.” I responded “well, that fits.”
# Moved my NAS from home to my dorm, but it's still running FreeNAS and I forgot how buggy this thing was, so I want to install CentOS there. But since all I've got here was a laptop, I don't have any keyboard for navigating the installation which is why I went to eBay Kleinanzeigen (think craigslist, but from eBay Germany) and placed an 1 euro offer on the cheapest keyboard I could find. It feels ridiculous.
# I used the laundry room of my dorm for the first time. When I came back to look for my clothes after an hour, the machine was already washing other people's clothes; some jerk apparently took my laundry out when it was done and put it on top of the dusty machine. It's disgusting when people are that much in a hurry that they can't even wait ten minutes for me to come back and take my clothes out.
I decided to return the favour by dialing the washer from 40° to 80°.
# 1: Been in a film mood lately, watched Shutter Island today, a great and solid and unnerving thriller. There's nothing more to say; feel free to watch it.
2: I'll attend a HGich.T rave with some friends tomorrow. I'm excited to the max, this will be lots of fun!
# Watched the 1980s movie “Blues Brothers”. It's one of my father's favourite films and is considered a classic in Europe. The film's full of swinging music, Chicago, crime, filth, humour and trash. What's not to love? (Enjoyed it very much.)
Fun fact: the video's view count was less than 1 million before Election Day 2016.
I have a lot of respect and admiration for Anthony Rapp as an actor. I'm beyond horrified to hear his story. I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate dunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years.
This story has encouraged me to address other things about my life. I know that there are stories out there about me and that some have been fueled by the fact that I have been so protective of my privacy. as those closest to me know, in my life I have had relationships with both men and women. I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man. I want to deal with this honestly and openly and that starts with examining my own behavior.
- Kevin Spacey
I am very conflicted about this.
From one viewpoint, you could say being drunk does not excuse sexual assault. You could say Kevin Spacey is somewhat famous for being sexually offensive to men. You could say he now technically classifies as a pedophile and coming out as gay on top of that in the same matter hurts the reputation of gay people a lot.
On the other side, it is not known whether Spacey knew he was trying to make out with an underage. And while coming out during these allegations seems like a dumb move at first, it gives him the opportunity to be perfectly open about his sexuality in the future, making it easier to discuss and judge certain things. And at last, his tweets like a sincere, honest apology and not like damage control PR stuff.
The worst: I can't decide for one viewpoint. I love Spacey, but this, and his apology in particular, is fucking horseshit and not something I needed in my life right now.
# Spent the day at future roommate's place. We messed around on a 1990s Yamaha keyboard and played Day of the Tentacle (which let to us coming out to each other as point and click game lovers, which is GREAT because I'll have someone to play these games with in the future. Seriously, this shit's even better with multiple people drinking, talking and focusing on solving the puzzles.)
Talking about the Halloween themed text adventure: sorry, but I haven't had enough time to complete this and I won't deliver a half-assed piece of shit that barely works. Instead, I'll focus on learning more Inform and hopefully do a well tought out Christmas game.
Today's track is Fatboy Slim - Ya Mama (2000), because I found it on my phone and listened to that throughout the day. It never fails to significantly improve my mood, from grinning to almost bursting out in laughter.
# Today's been surprisingly good, to the point where I ENJOYED doing Mathematics (from 9am up until now, even). I feel like an impostor for writing yesterday's posts, so you must trust me that my mood happened to change (and is likely to change a thousand times again) and I did not want to lie to you. :(
I also befriended four new dudes from my Math course and my roommate offered to party with me in Hamburg's far-left scene together. Oh, and tomorrow's a holiday. NICE.
# I noticed I don't know why I study this shit. I hate solving mathemathical problems that nobody asked for (and failing at them after an hour), I actually hate sitting in front of a screen all day, doing nothing and I hate thinking all day about university. But I don't want to quit a second time, I need to get through a year of this at least, for my confidence. Sounds rather stupid, eh? On top of that my parents would flip the fuck out, which I can understand. How can someone be as retarded as myself to move into a city, study computer sciene, hating it and then, after a year, moving into a city, studying computer sciene, hating it. I may get a Bachelor some day but I NEVER want to work as a computer scientist. Don't even know why, I just seemed to start hating it over the course of the last year. I used to love it.
# Looks as if I forgot you again, sorry about that!
In the last post I wrote about the need of a relationship. I haven't even tried getting to know women (because that's complicated, man) and signed up on that too-gay-for-my-taste youth dating website again. People there say I'm beautiful (which is true), but they also want to have dickpics after the first two messages. I don't understand this, genitalia are the most boring and unattractive things in the universe. I hate the fact that I can't find a nice person which is not focussed
and also not the dumbest retard in existence!
Some people there even manage to combine both aspects, e.g. there was one dude wanting to have telephone sex (well, without a telephone but on IM) with me for an hour or two, and he always wanted me removing my fucking pants and telling him about it because he thought that would be hot (yes, apparently people get turned on when reading about some stranger taking off his pants?) and asked questions like “what are you wearing? ;)” — yeah, what about a FUCKING t-shirt and trousers maybe, like a FUCKING normal person?
On the other hand, when everyone seems weird to me it may be me being the weird person. Which I'm more than thankful for in this context! But it also lead to some thoughts about my sexual preferences again and after some research I think you could label me as demi-bi. But I'd never insist on using that label in real life, because it would make me look like a fucking loser.
I'm also working on a text adventure, written in Inform which I want to release on Halloween. Please don't be too harsh with the result, it will be my first. :/
Last time, jakeonline stated my journal page contained “fuck” 15 times. For your information: this post bumps it up to 21.
Today's track is David Bowie - Life on Mars? (1971).
# The weekend was way too short. Turns out I'm enjoying it at my former home when it's not the place where I usually live. Now I'm back in the metropolis, hoping studies won't fuck over my mood tomorrow.
Speaking about this site: I want to do more things here, but
Today's track is Tricky - Abbaon Fat Tracks (1995). It reminds me that I need a relationship.
# I'm on my way home! Wanting to avoid struggle1, I reserved a seat in an ICE. But that would have been too easy for the fuckers running Deutsche Bahn which is why they simply shut down the wagon where I was supposed to sit in, due to “highly serious technical problems”. I'm sitting somewhere else now, hoping that my seat's not reserved.
Their shitty WiFi doesn't work either, so I have to use my phone connection. Which obviously sucks, since we're in Germany where few people wanted loadsamoney for their UMTS licenses two decades ago. And because the mobile providers2 wouldn't want to fuck the hand that feeds them, they instead chose to fuck the population3 with their AIDS infested metered plans.
Bonus: The guy sitting face-to-face with me looks like Christoph Waltz. There's nothing funnier than having Hans Landa eating yoghurt in the train.
1 e.g. sitting with my laptop on the floor even after having paid 30 euros (not mentioning my 50% discount card) because of overbooked trains, thanks capitalism!
2 e.g. E-Plus which was sold to O2 which was sold to Telefonica, a disgusting money hoarding cockroach sitting in Spain, thanks capitalism!
3 e.g. me
# Just had one GIANT lucid dream. It started as a regular dream where I wanted to see the headquarters of Interscope Records, so I searched for it on Google Maps and as it turned out, it was in a four floors building in New York City, so I went there. The first three floors contained some hipster cafe, but when you entered the building from the side, you could take a ladder way up to Interscope. To my surprise, there was no office, it rather looked like a family apartment (a little like Cobb's home in Inception) without any people. I went to the balcony and found a ladder, just standing there. I climbed it, and... don't know exactly what happened anymore. I found myself trapped between beautiful, surreal rooms.
Something must have triggered lucidity and I eventually found myself controlling parts of the dream (not the whole thing, sadly). I remembered someone on Reddit said you should take a moment to admire the level of detail your brain can create, so I did (it's true by the way). I watched the “neighbours”, autumn leaves, birds, etc. I was amazed by how calm and gentle that felt and didn't know I could still feel things this way. It felt, without any doubt, better than real life ever did.
Also, my grandmother was in the dream too, and she told me “in the news they said when you die in real life while sleeping, you're dreaming of Hitler!!”
After some more minutes, I woke up.
# Decided to take a train to the Baltic Sea so I can think of something else than Mathematics for one day.
# I just read D. J. Bernstein's entertaining and amusing article about a trip to Russia in 2000 and you should read it, too.
# Riven runs on the lastest ScummVM git snapshot! Time to play through that fucking hard fucker of a video game and solve the puzzles once and for all. I'll let you know when I'm done, probably by writing an article in December.
# Today's been... good? I attended the Math course and then went downtown to purchase a new ThinkPad. It came in handy that Lenovo offers HUGE discounts for students (we're speaking ~800 euros less on high end notebooks). But you can't purchase these things online, so I went to a certified® Lenovo® retailer®, thinking “what could possibly go wrong”? Spoiler: nothing.
As it turned out, the retail store wasn't a retail store which is why I entered an office full of people with surprising looks on their faces. I made my intentions clear and after a few weird seconds, I was treated like a venture capitalist, offered something to drink and demanded to sit in the waiting room. Then, an employee came by. At this moment I thought “wow, this is so business, they will never take me seriously”. But they did, the employee was competent and I ordered a really nice ThinkPad which I'm going to pick up on Monday or Tuesday.
On my way home, I stopped at a sickening loud and large mall, just to go to the toilet. Passing some apparently Mexican (?) fast food store, one worker shouted “amigo, amigo, you want a burrito?” Thinking “Fuck off” I answered “actually, I could use a toilet”, so he felt the need to explain to me where the toilets were. Needless to say I didn't return to burrito-amigo.
Not having ever visited a record store in Hamburg, I decided it was time to make good for it, just to see thousands of records to waste my money on. I quickly left before buying anything, that's how good the store was. I regret not buying a specific French House album, though.
Today's track is, obviously, Superfunk - Here i am (2000).
# I think I'm going to buy a new laptop. I miss music and video production which I can't do on my old-ass ThinkPad running Loonix.
Today's track is Flying Lotus - Vegas Collie (2007).
# I feel like getting buried alive, again. My head is a mess, and I'm even unable to do simple math right now. Is studying CompSci really good for me, or does it add to depressed feelings?
If I could, I'd move to Spain or Greece and study film there. But once again, I'm stuck in Germany due to my own fault. I want to move together with a friend of mine. He's heavily depressed and relying on me and I don't want to destroy every hope in his life by simply leaving.
Job, [17.09.17 21:23]
well I think with your site you would like it to go to archive.org now and then and see all the old stuff!
Jonas, [17.09.17 21:24]
is it indexed? idk
Job, [17.09.17 21:25]
indexed? you mean if there are archives of your site on archive org? there are a lot afaik!
... indeed. I had some nostalgic flashbacks going through ancient copies of my site. Weird to know this was even less than a year ago.
Anyway, I took some of the old design elements and implemented them here because they turned out to be quite nice, even in retrospect. Everytime I change some parts of the design, it feels like shit. But then I remember most of my decisions for this site turned out good and I don't want to build on familiar territory. (Note to self: I need to download The Settlers 2 and play it in DOSBox asap.) And, uhm, what's this?
# Hello, my abandoned readership. The last days were solid: university's working out (at least when you force yourself to practice math every evening as I do), I met a nice girl (although I think she has a friend) and some kind dude (although he's often very “normie” and very weeb). I'm also feeling a lot less anxious and even relaxed right now. The beauty of autumn is definitely playing a key role here and Hamburg's fast alternation between sun and rain makes this even better.
As it turned out, the TV's red cast is only visible when there's no input, so whenever I actually play something it's gone! And it's probably the only monitor on which PS1 games look good (read: amazing), not to forget the bassy, comfy sound. The whole setup reminds me a lot of arcade games.
Froge wrote a nice mail. I answered you fucker.
# I'm falling back into old patterns. Pressure and loneliness are not a good combination. As a bonus, mild anxiety attacks. Haven't really felt that shitty in a year. And I doubt it's getting better.
Today's track is Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper (1999).
# Befriended my “flat-mates”. Went with one of them to the common room and socialised with a lot of people there!
The Trinitron was having a red cast when I turned it on again. I hope this doesn't last. :(
# Productive day so far! I got up at ten, bought the essential shit and then went to the centre to let Merkel know I'm living in Hamburg now. Then, I went to the house with the CRT TV woman (it's a Triniton btw so that's great), but only her 20yo-ish daughter was at home (yes, she's sweet).
I knew the TV would be heavy, but actually picking it up was one of the hardest things in my life. It's 50kg at least. So I said I'd just call a Taxi but as it turned out, the seller's daughter could drive so we just drove to where I live and she helped me bring the TV into my room :3
Just in front of my door, that heavy thing slid out of her hands and fell onto the floor.
It fell on its glass front.
With a giant noise.
I wanted to die, but I didn't want to make my parents sad so I chose not to die. Which was a good thing since as it turned out, the TV had gotten no damage at all. Not a single scratch. I don't know how this was possible but I'm very relieved. And it still works!
Time for Tekken 3.
# Oh, uh, hello. I moved to Hamburg. Short term goal is to make some friends and get used to the people I live with (because a Hamburg apartment for a single person starts at 500€/mth which is literally unaffordable). Long term goal is to make my own flat share with a local friend who is at the moment unable to do so.
At first glance, I didn't like Hamburg. It seemed cold, and dull, very plebby and very un-Berlin. That feeling has since faded away a little and I think I could like it here. There are ten supermarkets just round the corner. Internet is fast as fuck (talk 10MB/s) with symmetrical up- and download.
Talking about university, I hope I can do what I want to. Main problem is Math: I have no problems to understand it, but it's really fucking boring and I often procrastinate instead of improving my math skill. I don't know how anyone on this planet would enjoy being a mathematician.
I also brought a PlayStation and Tekken 3. Local friend* wrote to some woman living nearby who would give me her old CRT TV so I can play this in style!
Today's track is Interpol - All The Rage Back Home (2014).
* I should probably give him a name.
# Went around in the woods today. It was pretty relaxing, and I took some nice pictures. I've set up a gallery page for the ones I liked most.
# Today, I went to receive my official driver's license. Admittely I could not enjoy that feeling to the fullest since I've had an online argument on Twitter with some anonymous douche talking about East Germans in a douchey way. But that's not the actual problem.
The actual problem: I can't turn this behaviour of mine off. I know I'm addicted to Twitter, I know it's not good for me, I know I can never win against West Germans who are too cocksure to even breathe because they would feel better than the air.
But I care.
I know I'm wasting my time. Yesterday I started writing something in TypeScript that could turn into a very very unique and neat project but today I didn't feel like it.
I'd like to delete my Twitter account for the, uh, twentieth time, but I would also lose regular contact to some of the coolest and most open-minded people I've ever known. It's a pity I'm making less bad experiences on Twitter than good ones. On top of that, I just can't delete the account in the middle of an argument, huh? See, this is what I mean. I want myself not to care about people that are not worth my time and it even works in real-life, but it's another thing online. I want to have the last word. I want to win. But I can't.
I need to figure out a plan on how to improve. I'll never be able to attend university while thinking about eggs that insult me online.
I could write a net of self-assisting bots and leave it up to them to have an argument with cunts... but that's ridiculous in its own way.
# Feeling lots of winter vibes lately. Could we please skip autumn, have snow for a few days, then return to summer again? Thanks.
# My father's got a new phone. He needs his contacts synced with Google, he needs WhatsApp, he needs Dropbox. He doesn't need Play Music and Play Movies and Play Newsstand and Play Magazines and Play raping the neighbour's kids and Play the 1999 Moby album but that's installed anyway. The intransparency of these systems make me fucking sick and leaves me comparing it to a digital HIV infection. I feel sorry for dad.
# We need to talk about that heavy black thing which always makes girls laugh when they're at my place. Obviously I'm talking about my adipose cat.
She's quite a spoiled diva; the only break she takes from laying around all day is when she feels the need to take a gigantic load of shit that's more toxic than anything Bayer has manufactured so far or when there's something to eat, preferably some liver.
Before arguing that nobody would pay huge amounts of money for liver just to give it to their cat, you should take into account that the diva has very special needs for food, preferably it has to be expensive as fuck (elsewise it's left untouched). So, in our situation, liver is actually cheaper.
Lately, I've noticed something strange. Madame doesn't care for food as much as she used to and only ate twice last week. Yet, she's as fat as always, which is why I as a private detective came to the conclusion the lady from next door must be pussy's food delivery service now.
I welcome this win/win/win situation. The lady from next door thinks she's doing a good deed with blowing her money. (((We))) actually save our cash and the cat's fine with it, too.
# I completed the records page. Took me probably around three or four hours altogether, considering information on the backside of the album can be incredibly vague sometimes. But I think it was worth it because that page gives me another opportunity to grow my e-dick.
# Following a friend's recommendation, I just watched The Machinist, a Spanish film from 2004 about some poor industrial worker losing touch with reality (one of my favourite themes in entertainment, yay).
“The Machinist” feels like a combination of Neo noir and the modern thrillers from TV. Makes you think of “Lost Highway” or movies by David Fincher, although more minimalistic. Highly recommended.
# A few weeks ago, I put a placeholder thing online in favour of my old index.html - rest in peace. As it seems, I need a break every now and then, which is a shame.
I have to admit I've gotten a little frustrated over time. I blog here, I put videos online on another account known by another community and I tweet for a third community. Not to mention the real person behind all this (me).
Sometimes I imagine applying for a job or wanting to tell people about what I do. I would face a problem there: the inability to show them everything because I wouldn't give strata.neocities.org and the likes to any person I've known in real life!
Trying to get rid of this, I wanted to combine my digital and real identites and set up a neat personal homepage, tried different content management systems, searched for handles available on different platforms, registered domains and... it felt like shit. The moment everything was done, I felt uninspired and bland. Heck I don't even know what I should blog about as a public person.
In the end, I thought about strata again. After reading some pages of Jordan Mechner's journals, I once again felt the urge to do something similar.
So we're back to a journal. Maybe I'll write a similar post again in autumn 2018 and autumn 2019 and autumn 2020 and point a gun at my head in 2021!
See, I couldn't write these things publicly.
Please tell me if I'm getting edgy again at some point in the future.