Losing a pet brings up such powerful emotions. Earlier this year the Queen was hit ‘extremely hard’ by the loss of her corgi Willow, who had become her most devoted companion.
When my collie cross died seven years ago, it knocked me sideways, too. In the days leading up to the decision to have Flash put down, I was too busy monitoring his mobility, and coping with the ups of a good day and the downs when he was in pain, to think about life without him.
So I was unprepared for the devastation of coming home to an empty house and, for the first time in 12 years, not being greeted by barks, licks and the jumping up I’d tried so hard to stop and now missed more than anything.
Leading therapist Andrew Marshall has suffered the pain of losing a pet and shares his eight steps to dealing with the grief
Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised because, as my mother said when I told her the news: ‘Flash was part of the family.’
So in a society that pretends death doesn’t happen and provides little to no support for the bereaved — even if they’ve lost a parent, partner or child — how do you cope with the voice in your head, or the well-meaning friends, who say: ‘It’s only a dog?’
I’ve looked at what I got wrong — despite being an experienced therapist — and what worked for me, to provide you with eight ways of coping with pet bereavement.
ACCEPT IT
When we’re faced with pain, our natural reaction is to try to make it go away. We ignore the uncomfortable feelings, rationalise them down to a size where we can dismiss them, or self-medicate.
I had always joked that there is nothing that can’t be improved by coffee and cake, but on the day Flash died everything tasted of ashes.
Instead of trying to push down the feelings, I decided to accept my grief. It is a natural human emotion, and later I validated my feelings for Flash by holding a small ceremony to say goodbye to him.
He says that you should accept the death of the pet and also understand the pain you are going through, not ignore it (file photo)
UNDERSTAND THE PAIN
Think about the role your dog played in your life. As I am freelance, I have no rhythm or shape to my day, but Flash needed two daily walks. Instead of meeting people in the office, I met them while out walking the dog in the village.
Next, ask yourself: what was happening when I got my dog? There is often a reason we decide to become a pet owner, so have you dealt with those issues yet? I needed companionship after my partner died.
Finally, explore your feelings about death in general. Did you fully grieve the death of your grandparents or a parent properly? Are you getting a double dose of pain today?
FILL THE GAP
When you have a better understanding of the dog-shaped hole in your life or whether there is something from the past that needs attention, you can begin to resolve it.
The worst time of day was after breakfast, when I should have taken Flash for his morning walk. Instead, I went for a run.
At the beginning, I went in directions different from where we had walked together, but slowly I was able to run the old paths and reclaim the beauty of the Sussex countryside.
He says that it can be difficult to deal with those well-meaning friends who say 'it's just a dog' (file photo)
If you’re suffering unresolved grief for a member of your family, phone up someone who also loved them and share memories. They may ache to talk, too.
WALK A FRIEND’S DOG
In the same way that my friends were uncomfortable when my partner died and sometimes crossed the road as they didn’t know what to say or do, dog-owning friends will also be torn in several directions.
They know what you’re going through, but are probably unsure about whether you want to discuss what happened or if the pain is too raw.
They’ll also be worried about bursting into tears as well, because the pain of a previous dog dying may have been brought back by your loss. So take the initiative and tell them what you need.
Taking a friend’s dog to a dog agility class helped. I got exercise and it gave me the joy of feeling the pull on a lead again.
LEARN THE LESSONS
It will take some time to reach this point, but it’s a sign that you’re making progress when you can understand what you gained from your dog, as well as from your loss.
A few weeks after Flash died, I wrote in my diary: ‘It’s not fair that we can live for threescore years and ten, but our constant companions don’t make it much past the ten.
‘On second thoughts, that’s also dogs’ great lesson for us — impermanence.
He advises filling the gap and also getting a new puppy since, although a dog can't be replaced, a new puppy will help you move on (file photo)
Nothing lasts for ever and perhaps dogs have been put on earth to remind us of this inescapable truth.’ So what else have I learnt from Flash? The importance of seizing the day and living in the moment.
I will always remember his frenzied excitement after chasing squirrels and how he never tired of walking down the same paths.
Being mindful is fashionable at the moment, and my best mindfulness teacher had four legs.
SEIZE THE MOMENT
Even the most ardent dog lovers will admit there is a downside to owning one. Now you don’t have to rush home or, when making plans, think ‘What are we going to do with the dog?’, what do you want to do with your freedom?
What about taking a long-haul trip? Or going to London to see a show? I enjoyed going into restaurants without having to worry if they would let Flash in.
WRITE DOWN FEELINGS
If we’re all still too ‘stiff upper lip’ to see a therapist to discuss losing a dog (although my clients have often spoken about their living dogs and on one or two occasions brought them to a session), then write down your feelings.
I’ve kept a journal, off and on, for 20 years, and noting everything down gives me enough distance to begin to understand myself better.
It is another way of remembering that these feelings are important and giving ourselves permission to have them.
When you’ve finished, ask yourself, ‘What haven’t I allowed myself to say?’ and write that down, too.
finally...GET A PUPPY
I almost didn’t include this option, as it is tempting to push away difficult feelings by replacing the dog you lost and missing out on the lesson.
There is also the danger of holding the ways in which your new dog is different from your old dog against him or her.
However, I have to admit that I didn’t last long before I started looking at puppies. Today, I have a new dog, Pumpkin, who is a labrador cross — as I wanted a different kind of dog — but I will never forget Flash.
You can’t replace a dog; you can only get another one.
The Power Of Dog: How A Puppy Helped Heal A Grieving Heart by Andrew Marshall is published on July 12 at £9.99 by RedDoor (andrewgmarshall.com)