Soapwatch: Jaci Stephen's ultimate insight into the week’s soaps

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Business is booming for soapland’s medics. Has the NHS decided to rent out wards in order to finance itself? Have broadcasting companies been offered cut-price deals?

In this week’s Emmerdale, Lydia is panicking when the doctor examines a suspicious mole on her leg. In EastEnders, Hayley has a funny turn and visits A&E.

But top prize goes to Corrie, where last week there were four hospital patients. Neil, Johnny, Craig, Jack. 

Assault victim, MS sufferer, OCD trauma sufferer and child amputee. You have to admit, even by soap’s dramatic standards, that’s pushing it a bit. 

And, by the way, this week sees both Sean and Josh in hospital. Why not just do a spin-off show called Weatherfield General? 

They might as well get double value if they’ve already paid for the venues.

In Coronation Street this week, four characters end up in the hospital, including Josh

The biggest problem the soaps face when entering the medical world is they can’t afford to pay the bit-part actors playing the roles to say too much; hence the doctors and nurses are only one step up from being totally mute. 

And they never sleep with each other. Maybe I’ve watched too much Casualty.

CORONATION STREET: STRICTLY NOT JOSHING

When did Lily turn into Devil She-Child? Has she been going to Evil training classes with Hope? 

She’s barely spoken her entire life and then, last week, she couldn’t go near a breakfast table without impersonating a serial killer (okay, cereal killer; she’s only a kid). Thank goodness Shona discovered the knife Lily had found in David’s bag. 

But does the knife have anything to do with David watching Josh and the latter ending up in hospital, beaten to a pulp? Or is it because Billy tells a man that his new best friend Josh is a rapist? For a vicar, he spills a lot of beans. 

It’s good he wasn’t around in Mary and Joseph’s time; he’d have told everyone to buy up the gold, frankincense and myrrh before the Wise Men had time to get to the shops.

A pregnancy test reveals Sinead is pregnant (Oh no! There’ll be two of them now!), and after turning up for Aidan’s inquest, Eva says her final farewell. I’m glad she doesn’t ask Toyah for fashion advice – unlike Leanne, who asked her to comment on her pyjamas. 

In EastEnders, Hayley Slater finally confesses to Jean that she is pregnant

That’s like asking Kojak for hairstyle advice.

Namecheck Watch: Craig beat Steve last week by ten to seven mentions. Look out, Steve – you have a rival.

EASTENDERS: ANOTHER PREGNANT PAUSE 

For years I’ve said that soapland needs a family planning clinic – even a mobile one that could travel between Walford, Weatherfield and Emmerdale: anything, just to teach people, especially young ones, that getting pregnant is totally avoidable.

Hayley confesses her secret to Jean, having already poured out her heart to the guy who fell asleep in the back of her cab two weeks ago. She waived the fare because she appreciated getting everything off her chest; I think he deserved the cab.

Ever one to throw herself in the deep end, Jean forces a health kick on Hayley for the baby’s benefit. The idea of anyone in Albert Square knowing about healthy food is laughable – two apples and an overripe banana in the fruit bowl constitutes the South Beach Diet. 

After an accident, Hayley is worried Kat will discover her secret, but at least the baby is fine, to Hayley’s relief (one of the few women in the history of the show ever to smile at her condition).

Graham drinks in despair before attacking Joe who tries to console him in this week's Emmerdale

Hunter starts his job at the restaurant and Ian is keen to get the lowdown on Mel and Jack’s relationship. Seriously? 

He later tells Masood he thinks he will marry Mel within a year. He’s someone else who needs to visit a clinic – albeit a psychiatric one. 

Mel’s not daft though, and when Ian wants to sack Hunter, a bit of flirting makes him change his mind. Quickly, someone, call for the men in white coats (and not those from the chippie).

EMMERDALE: THE SPIRIT IS WILLING

You can always rely on flashbacks to fill in gaps when a character’s behaviour defies reason. This week it’s the turn of Graham, after he gets drunk and visualises his dead wife. 

Didn’t Eric go down this path when he imagined Val was still alive? As Graham drinks, he starts talking to the deceased, and turns on Joe when he tries to console him.

Message: never come between a man and his spirit (both types).

Liv and Chas hatch a plan to help Aaron propose to Robert. Given the number of firearms lurking in the village, can we expect a shotgun wedding – for real?