'Moving away from any addiction is utterly terrifying': Former Victoria's Secret model, 27, shares her struggles with a 'relentless' eating disorder
- Bridget Malcolm said she can never forget that she is 'in recovery, not cured'
- The 27-year-old said she was 'in the throes' of her eating disorder for decades
- She has previously opened up about how she began to address her disorder
- In 2018, she explained how therapy helped her to come to terms with it
- Her latest blog sees her opening up about the ongoing struggle to deal with it
- Bridget modeled in the Victoria's Secret show in 2015 and 2016
- She is also a former Playboy Playmate of the Year
A former Victoria's Secret model who struggled with her weight for more than 20 years has spoken candidly about her battle with a 'relentless' eating disorder.
Bridget Malcolm, from Western Australia, said she has come a 'long way' but she's still struggling with her body dysmorphia - a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.
Now two years into recovery, the 27-year-old confessed she often contemplates old habits and struggles with her demons after the crippling condition plagued much of her adolescence and early adulthood.
Former Victoria's Secret model Bridget Malcolm (pictured) who struggled with her weight for decades has spoken candidly about her battle with a 'relentless' eating disorder
Now two years into recovery, the 27-year-old confessed she often contemplates old habits and struggles with her demons after the crippling condition plagued much of her life
'For two years now, I have been fortunate enough to be in recovery from my eating disorder. But I must never forget that I am in recovery. I am not cured,' she penned in an open letter on her blog.
'Moving away from any addiction is utterly terrifying... There is this intense craving to go back to your dangerous safe place, a craving that you cannot give in to, or you risk dying.'
Bridget, who modeled in the Victoria's Secret show in 2015 and 2016, explained that she has to 'exert fairly constant vigilance on myself' in order to ensure she doesn't 'slip back into old habits'.
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However, that doesn't stop her from struggling with her body image each and every day, and she confessed that her body dysmorphia has become 'particularly bad right now'.
'There is no reason why - I have not gained weight, and I have not lost weight. For some reason though, the feeling of my skin is making me extremely uncomfortable,' she said.
'I would love nothing more than to reduce the size of the human I see in the mirror. And I know that if I do, I endanger my life and everything in it.'
Bridget walked in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2015 (left) and 2016 (right), when she was 'in the throes' of her eating disorder
The 27-year-old said she can never let herself forget that she is 'in recovery, not cured' of the eating disorder which plagued much of her adolescence and early adulthood
Although Bridget did not open up about when her eating disorder started, simply stating that she has been 'in the throes of it for 23 or so years', she did share that she used to resort to starving herself as a means to 'separate myself from me'.
'My desire to starve comes from a place of feeling unheard and worthless. I felt less, spoke less and needed less when I was starving.
'Starving myself ends in a lot of pain for myself and those around me. I know it, because I have lived it.'
Last year, Bridget spoke to Harper's Bazaar about how she first came to terms with the fact that her eating habits had become incredibly unhealthy and dangerous for her, revealing that she went years without understanding that she was struggling with an eating disorder.
'For two years, I lived off mostly steamed vegetables and protein shakes,' she said in the June 2018 piece.
'I was so underweight that it would take me 10 minutes to climb a flight of stairs. I was tired, often going to sleep at 8 p.m. because I had no energy. My hair was falling out. I felt completely alone and isolated, but I was scared to leave my house.'
Bridget went on to explain that she was 'unknowingly battling an eating disorder and chronic anxiety', and it wasn't until she went to see a therapist at the start of 2017 that she realized 'how unhealthy her lifestyle was, physically and emotionally'.
Making changes: Bridget said she has to be incredibly 'vigilant' in order to make sure that she doesn't slip back into old bad habits
Speaking out: In March 2018, Bridget spoke out to apologize for promoting unhealthy eating habits, while sharing images of herself when she was at her skinniest, including this one
Since then, Bridget has been working to stay healthy and avoid slipping back into bad habits that were once such an integral part of her life.
Last year, Bridget also spoke out to apologize for so publicly promoting her eating habits and workout routine, explaining that her body dysmorphia made her think she was sharing healthy, positive advice.
'I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing for my health and wellness,' she wrote in a March 2018 blog post. 'I now know that I was completely in the depths of body dysmorphia and it really worries me that I was not a positive role model out there.'
She continued: 'When I would give interviews and discuss my eating habits I truly believed that eating predominately vegetables and protein shakes was OK. Obviously this is not OK. I am sorry for being so public about damaging eating habits.'
Despite sharing her dark thoughts, Bridget said she's determined to turn her life around for good by committing to a healthier lifestyle.
'I will continue to commit to my three meals a day. I will exercise in a way that gives me strength and faith in my body - not in a way that diminishes my size, energy and capabilities,' she said.
'I will avoid mirrors as much as possible. And I will throw myself into my life and relationships with all the energy that eating properly allows me.'
She is now in remission, and has vowed to continue challenging herself to stay healthy in spite of all the challenges.
