Voila! Finally, the The Ten script is here for all you fans of the David Wain movie with Paul Rudd and Winona Ryder. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some The Ten quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
The Ten Script
Hello.
I'm sorry.
I had to go, okay?
Because I have to introduce
the ten stories.
I told you this before.
We'll talk about this
when you get home, all right?
I'm late enough
as it is.
Ten commandments,
ten stories, all right?
You knew what you
were getting into
When you married me.
This is what I do.
Hello?
Hello?
Unbelievable.
Hi, I'm Jeff Reigert.
Okay, good.
So I've got the ten commandments
over there,
And I'm gonna give you
ten stories.
Each one of them correlates
to one of the commandments.
So let's get right into it.
Sorry I was late,
by the way.
Long story short,
my wife--
You know, I'm not
gonna go into this.
All right,
long story short,
My wife and I
were at Bed Bath and Beyond.
We'd agreed
to go in beforehand
Because she wanted to buy
a hand blender and leave.
I mean, we weren't gonna make
a big day shopping, because--
You know what?
I'm not gonna get into this.
This is just gonna get me
really upset.
And besides, you didn't--
you didn't come here
To listen to my shit,
all right?
I came here to give you
these ten stories,
And we're already running
a little bit late,
So why don't we just
do it to it, right?
Let's get this party
started.
Story number one.
Okay,
is it on?
Hey, everybody,
it's me, Stephen,
Logging my first-ever
solo jump!
are you nervous?
Nah, are you joking,
Kelly?
I'm more nervous
about us getting married.
Bring it on!
aw, you're nervous!
Wow!
Look at how high up
we are!
It's like that line
from the movie titanic.
"I want you to draw me
like one of your French girls,
"wearing this,
Wearing only this."
Okay, let's do it
to it.
Let's get this party
started.
Whoo!
Uh, excuse me.
Forgot his chute.
please tell me you're goofing.
No, I don't goof.
Oh, god!
Stephen!
Stephen!
Stephen,
oh, my god!
Are you okay?
Oh, god!
Are you okay?
No, not really.
his vitals
are all okay.
But his body is so deeply
embedded into the ground
That any movement at all
Would kill him.
Well, what am I
supposed to do?
I mean, just--
Just leave my fiance
here in the ground?
Yes.
But other than that,
I suggest that you both try
To go about
your normal routine.
Okay?
We good?
Stay out
of the sun.
Ooh, you know what
would be fun for us, hon?
There's a jazz show
coming to town tomorrow,
And we could--
Never mind.
Sorry, what'd you say?
Nothing.
I said,
"how's it going, babe?"
Awful,
Fucking awful.
Okay, we're live
in 30 seconds, Louis.
How are the wedding plans
coming, by the way?
Good.
Yeah, we were gonna
get married
At my parents' beach house
in--in Bar Harbor--
Oh, god,
I love Bar Harbor.
I know.
It's so nice.
But now it looks like
it's gonna be happening here.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, he'll be,
you know, there,
And I'll be--
I promised myself
I wouldn't cry.
Shh, shh, shh.
No, no, no. It's okay.
It's okay.
God, you smell good.
Is that
coffee breath?
Okay, in five,
four...
Tell me later.
Three, two--
Thanks, Jim.
I'm here in a field
outside of Holmesdale,
Where Stephen Montgomery
has been stuck here
In the ground
for the past two months.
I'm sure you're aware
That you've become
quite a sensation,
A hero of sorts.
You have any words
of wisdom
For your growing
group of fans?
No, not really.
No, not really.
He's a man of few words
but many followers,
Whether it be the kids
that line up day and night
To catch a glimpse of him
Or 12-year-old Dorothy Sheen,
Whose Halloween costume
this year
Is just a little bit
underground.
I'm Stephen Montgomery.
If you move me,
I'll die.
Even Governor Hutchins
was catching Montgomery fever.
We're gonna do
to unemployment
What Stephen Montgomery
did to his body.
We're gonna bury it
in the ground
And make sure
it doesn't move.
I'm gonna give it
to you straight, kid,
Because that's my style.
You're not funny.
Your act is stale.
You will never make it
in this town.
Now, get out
of my office.
How do people like that
get in here?
She said she had
an appointment.
It won't happen again.
Better not.
Sir, Stephen Montgomery
on line one.
Stephen,
Fielding Barnes.
I want to make you
a TV star.
What do you say?
Don't you knock, Fred?
I would, but if I knock
like everybody else,
How would you know
it's me?
Where's Stephen?
Right here
where he always is.
hey, Stephen.
I got two tickets
to the world series.
You want to go?
No, not really.
Why not?
Because I can't move,
Fred.
And if I did,
I'd most likely die.
two feet
firm in the ground.
ain't no
turning around.
no, not really.
my time is coming
to town,
and there ain't
no shaking it.
we're all dying to know,
does your character
ever get it on with Carol?
Look, I don't want to give
too much away here.
But I will say this:
Probably not,
for obvious reasons.
eyes on the stars
and head in the clouds.
love in the sun.
no losing allowed.
Two years ago, I didn't have
a chance in this industry.
When the Montgomery show hit,
Every agent in town
called me.
The world just
kind of takes you on a ride.
You just sit back.
I mean, I have to.
Can't really move.
ooh, ooh, ah!
two feet
firm in the ground.
no, not really.
I just started to use
this instrument right here.
I'm a trailblazer,
biatch.
I don't even want to think
what my torso could do.
I think it's pretty safe to say
I'm the Marlon Brando of heads.
America loves
my shit, dog.
Stephen Montgomery:
Hero, superstar,
God.
This just in:
Tragedy strikes in Texas
as a group of teens
Intentionally jumps out
of a plane without parachutes.
Obviously a copycat incident,
They were imitating the man
they worshipped as a god,
Stephen Montgomery.
Details and reaction
at 11:00.
turn that shit off!
Stephen,
what is going on here?
Who are
all these people?
Kelly, it's not
what you think.
How's it going,
baby?
Kelly,
wait a second.
Kelly, wait!
Wait!
Ah!
I can't move!
Damn it,
I can't move!
Oh!
Ahh!
I think I'm allergic
to shrimp.
Louis!
Louis.
Kelly?
I have no one
to turn to.
Shh.
Look, it's okay.
Listen to me.
I'm gonna take care
of you now.
Really?
Sure.
Come on.
lift me up
into the heavens.
you lift me up
beyond the sky.
okay, going up
in five...
Look out.
Four, three...
What does a monkey
at the zoo
Have in common
with a fig newton?
Nothing, right?
Think again.
They're both
sometimes brown.
Stephen, I have bad news.
The show's cancelled.
The ratings
have been slipping,
And your offscreen antics
in the tabloids
Haven't been helping.
I thought she was 18.
Doesn't matter, Stephen.
She was your niece.
I thought
she was once removed.
Doesn't matter,
Stephen.
You had sex with her.
I thought
I was fingering her.
It feels the same
to her.
Don't you get it,
Stephen?
Well, then,
shit, fielding.
Get me another jo--what have you
got lined up for me?
I've got nothing,
Stephen.
Let's face it.
The majority of jobs
are for actors
Who can get off the floor
without dying.
I--Stephen,
I don't make the rules.
That's the climate
of the marketplace these days.
I--I--I got to get this.
I got--hello!
Johnny Frankel,
My favorite client,
who's stuck in an elevator.
What's up, man?
But listen,
you got to decide quickly,
Because at the end
of the day,
Let's not jerk
each other off here.
You're not going to be stuck
on that elevator forever.
You know that.
What happened
to Stephen Montgomery?
For the past
three years,
Stephen has stayed
out of the limelight,
Choosing a quiet life
Stuck in the ground--
always.
I used
to like him,
And now
I hate him.
Wow.
Thank you so much,
Louis.
And that's all the news
for tonight.
I'm Bream Benson.
And I'm Jim Stansel.
Good night.
See how that works?
That was the first one,
and now we have nine more,
The total being ten.
And you know
what ten is.
Ten is.
Tennis?
Tennis, anyone?
It's like I can't even
reserve a court
Unless it's
a holiday weekend.
Anyway, let's do
the second story, shall we?
No, no, don't help me
or anything.
Oh, I--I didn't know
you were here.
Of course
you didn't.
God forbid you notice
anybody but yourself.
Gretchen--
Jeff, don't test me
today, okay?
You will lose.
Did you see that?
Am I crazy?
I didn't know
she was here.
God, she's getting to the point
where, literally,
There isn't a thing
that I can do that's--
We used to talk about
how we'd never fight like that.
We used to laugh
at those people.
I would break a blood vessel,
I would laugh so hard.
You know how they say
laughter's the best medicine?
No, I would need medicine
To put on my broken
blood vessel.
That's how hard
I was laughing.
It was
a topical ointment.
I don't remember
what it was called.
It's been so many years
Since I laughed so hard
and broke a blood vessel
That I would even need
the ointment.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to burden you
with this--
Oxydine Three.
Oxydine Three, that's what--
that was what--
The name
of the ointment.
Anyway, let's get back
to our ten stories.
Here we go
with number two,
The duck,
the deuce,
Number two.
Poop.
Hola.
Como esta?
Estoy bien.
Hola.
Como esta?
Estoy bien.
Estoy bien.
Te quiero,
mi amor.
Brushing up
on your spanish?
Yes.
Wait a minute.
Si.
Ooh, that was
very good.
Sounds just like
my nanny.
Gracias.
Mm-mm,
that wasn't as good.
You had me
at "si,"
But then you lost me
at "gracias."
Anyway, I want you
to meet Tony.
He's gonna be
filling in for you
While you're in Mejico
all summer.
Very good, Oliver.
You used
the native pronunciation,
Which includes the "x"
having an "h" sound.
Mejico.
See how much fun
we have together, Gloria?
When are you gonna
get over yourself
And go out with me
already?
I wish I felt that way,
but I don't.
Well, you can't blame a gal
for trying every day
For five years.
At any rate,
I want you to meet Tony,
Your temporary
replacement.
Hey,
how's it going?
Oh, didn't see you there.
Oh.
Hello.
Sorry,
is that better?
Much.
Yeah.
Well, the filing system
is over here.
I've written down
the instructions
For the voice mail
here.
And if you need anything,
you can call me--
Gloria, relax.
Take your vacation.
Go wild.
Have fun.
Tony can handle things.
Right, Tony?
Yup.
Maybe you're right.
Gracias.
I--
Yes?
I want to--
Yes?
I want to...
Fuck your tits.
Yes?
No, no.
I don't think that's
what you're trying to say.
One moment.
One--one moment.
guerita, guerita,
Try these.
Very juicy.
Gracias.
Hey, senorita!
Tres pesos
for the mango!
Gloria.
Gracias, Alfonzo,
but...
Yo estoy tired
From el air-o plane-o.
Mm.
Gloria,
This is Jesus.
Nice to meet you.
Encantado.
El Fuego,
El Fuego.
quiero what you got.
El Fuego,
El Fuego
is caliente, hot.
El Fuego,
El Fuego.
Quiero what you got.
El Fuego,
El Fuego
is caliente, hot.
El Fuego,
El Fuego.
Quiero what you got.
El Fuego,
El Fuego.
Oh, Jesus.
No, no, no.
Gloria...
Yeah, si, Pero...
Okay.
Wow.
Hey, hey!
and this we pray to you,
our Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ.
Oh, Oliver.
Yes, Oliver.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who the hell
is this Jesus guy?
Nobody, Oliver.
Don't overreact.
I'm not overreacting.
I mean, how would you
like it
If I yelled out
Patricia's name
In the middle of sex?
Nine...
Ten.
Sorry about that.
I'm a bit
of a health fiend.
Since when
do you exercise?
What are you
talking about?
I found this
downstairs.
I thought I'd give my pecs
a little juice.
Give your pecs
a little juice?
What?
Juicing my pecs.
I don't know.
Something you're not telling me
about the pec juice.
W--w--what
do you think, Gretchen?
I'm screwing around
on you?
Oh, wait, no.
Let me guess.
I met some girl
at a coffee shop,
And we made jokes about
the little cardboard things
You put over a cup
so you don't burn your hands,
And then we went out to my car,
and I screwed her twice?
I wasn't saying
that at all.
Well, then can I--
Oh, please,
do your thing.
Jeez, you hear that,
guys?
Questioning
my pec juice.
My pec juice.
Sorry, I didn't mean
to get off track.
Where--
Oh, yeah,
that's right.
Here's the third story.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
forceps.
Forceps.
Gesundheit.
Thank you.
Grover Shepherd scissors.
Grover Shepherd scissors.
Okay,
sew her up.
Good work,
Dr. Richie.
Thanks, Nancy.
Ooh!
Oh, it hurts!
Oh! Every time I move!
You're gonna be okay.
Hey, hey, hey, sounds like
there's a cougar in here.
How we doing today?
Thank god you're here,
Dr. Richie.
She's been in horrible pain
like this since the operation.
yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah,
I'm sure she has been.
Here, come take a look.
Okay.
See this?
This is Sheila
one hour post-op.
And it's
my educated guess
That the sharp
cutting blades
Of the Grover Shepherd
medical scissors
Is what's causing
most of the pain.
You left a pair of scissors
inside of my wife?
Yes, that's correct.
How can you make
a mistake like that?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, it wasn't a mistake.
I did it as a goof.
You goofed?
No, no, no.
Relax.
As a goof.
I did it
as a goof.
I-I-I don't get it.
Well, clearly,
you just don't know me.
I goof a lot.
My friends know
That at least
half the time,
I am goofing.
The thing is,
You need to understand
my sense of humor.
I think that's it.
Nancy,
you were here
When I was operating
on this woman.
I dropped the scissors
in her belly.
Why did I do that?
If I remember correctly,
you did it as a goof.
Satisfied?
Is there anything else--
Listen,
you son of a bitch.
I want you to get that thing
out of my wife's stomach now!
Sheila?
Baby?
Oh, she's dead.
What?
Wait,
is this a goof?
Is this--
No, she's dead.
Do you still want me
To take the scissors out--
mm, probably not.
You murdered
my wife!
Hey, guy,
as a goof,
Guy,
as a goof.
You know what?
You're bad vibes.
I got to blow.
Man, it's not
rocket science.
So let me
get this straight.
You're saying you dropped
a surgical instrument
Into Mrs. Contiella's body
knowingly and deliberately.
I have been
an exemplary surgeon
For the last 20 years,
a good citizen,
A father,
a family man,
A husband.
Did you deliberately
put the scissors
into Mrs. Contiella's body?
I would never,
under any circumstances,
Do anything
to harm a patient
unless I was doing it
as a goof.
Did you put
the scissors in?
I am a practicing
physician, sir.
Did you put
the scissors in?
For the last
20 years--
Did you put
the scissors in?
I am not gonna entertain--
Did you put
the scissors in?
As a goddamn goof!
Ladies and Gentlemen
of the Jury,
I like a goof
as much as the next guy.
Hell, in college,
me and my polack roommate
Once duct-taped
this oriental guy
To the inside of the trunk
of my Corvette.
So I get a goof.
But there is a goof,
And then
there is murder.
Objection.
Sustained.
Overruled.
Goofing.
It's just--
It's one
of the many examples of--
I have heard enough.
I hereby sentence you
to life in prison
For the murder
of Sheila Contiella.
Uh, Your Honor.
Don't we get a say
in this?
Sure.
You want to go through
the whole rigmarole?
Be my guest.
court is back
in session.
Please rise for the Honorable
Sophia R. Jackson.
Have you reached
a verdict?
We have, Your Honor.
We, The Jury,
Find the defendant
Guilty
Of murder
in the first degree.
Uh, not to be a dick
about this,
But didn't I say that
about three hours ago?
But you insisted
on going in there and--
But, your honor, that's how
the judicial system works.
Oh, is that how
the judicial system works?
Please, please,
tell her honor more
About how it all works.
I would really
like to know.
So the verdict is,
as I said before,
Life in prison
for Dr. Richie.
Is this a goof?
I don't think so.
If I could,
I'd sentence all 12 of you
To death
by my foot up your ass.
Fucking assholes.
Thank you,
your honor.
Uh,
You,
You're disbarred.
Me? Why?
What am I gonna do?
I hear they're hiring
tour guides
At the nuclear
power plant.
That could work,
I suppose.
The hours have got to be
better than this.
You've been very sweet
during all this.
Thank you.
From now on,
you Big Buster's wife.
Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
I'm--
I'm already taken,
So you're probably gonna have
to find somebody else.
You'd better shut the fuck up
and start sucking my dick.
I'm goofing.
Oh.
Yeah, okay.
Very good. Okay.
No, I'm not.
Do it.
Mm!
Are you sure your wife
is gonna be gone all day?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's disassembling
the basketball court
And putting in
an ice rink.
Plus, half her crew
didn't show up,
So she won't be home
for hours; trust me.
Oh, I don't know.
I mean--
Well, what's the alternative?
We go to your place?
Your roommate's
a modern-day Gloria Steinem.
I'll be making love
with you,
And she'll be
in the room next door
Having
a bra-burning session.
What's so terrible
about women's lib?
You know, I think they make
some really good points.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm all for equal pay.
But there are some differences
beyond just the plumbing.
Do I want you
on the front lines?
I don't think so.
The Russians will come in
with their guns a-blazin',
And you guys will be out
powdering your boobs.
You know I get so hot
when you talk politics.
So when you gonna break up
with Gretchen?
Soon. Soon.
But you've made promises
to me!
I--I know.
Liz, it's complicated.
You have to be patient.
I know.
I--
I'll tell Gretchen
this week.
Here's the next story.
Mm.
I'm getting excited.
Can you feel me?
There you go.
Ahh!
There you go.
There you go.
Oh, you did it.
Is it a boy
or a girl?
Let me put it this way:
the first one's a boy.
And here comes
boy number two.
oh, My God!
Oh!
Are there any more
in there, vagina?
I love it!
Oh.
They're my little guys.
Oh, I am gonna love you
till the day I die.
Now that Dad's gone
and we're grown up,
We think it's time for you
to tell us the truth.
About what?
About the fact
that you and Dad are white
And we're black.
Ah, right.
Yeah, I had a feeling
this day would come.
The year
before you were born,
I was the entertainment reporter
for the local newspaper.
And I had an opportunity
to interview all the big stars:
Denzel Washington,
Morgan Freeman,
Sidney Poitier,
everybody.
And even though
I was married to your father
And very, very much
in love with him,
From time to time,
after the interviews,
These stars would...
Fuck me.
Mom, cut to the chase.
Did you have sex
with these guys or not?
Well, as I said--
Who's our
biological father?
So one night
after an interview,
I took the opportunity
To fuck
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And?
Do you need me
to spell it out for you?
Yes.
Yes.
I...
F-u-c-k-e-d...
A-r-n-o-l-d
S-c-h--
Mom--
let her finish.
W-a-r-e-n...
E-g-g...
E-r.
So you're saying
Arnold Schwarzenegger's
Our biological father?
Yes.
It's why you're both
so tall.
I always told everyone
It was because
you got too much sun.
But how can you
be sure it's--
I'm positive.
He was the only man
I was with during that time.
And I took the blood test
to prove it.
How does that explain
the dark color of our skin?
I know.
I know.
Believe me, I know.
Boys,
since our conversation,
I've been thinking
about it a lot.
And I've decided
it's best
For you to meet
your real father.
Really?
Yes.
So without
further ado,
You knew "he'd be back,"
And here is--
The man, the machine,
your dad,
The incomparable
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
hello, my sons.
I'm Arnold.
So thrilled to finally meet
my two boys.
It will be fantastic.
Do you want to go around
throw outside the ball,
Something like this?
Mom, that's not
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold, could you wait
in the living room
For just a second?
Of course.
I'll be back.
Look, I tried
to get in touch with Arnold,
But he's a major
politician now,
And I couldn't even get past
the receptionist.
That guy
Does corporate events
as Arnold,
So I thought at least
it would give you an idea
Of what it'd be like
to have him around.
Okay, mom.
Thanks.
We'll try
to make it work.
That's my beautiful boys.
I'm back.
Oh, hey...
Dad.
Son.
Oh, here we go.
Get him! Get him!
I'm gonna get you!
Oh, good one.
Okay.
You split right.
Split left.
Fantastic!
Okay, here we go.
Oh, dear.
I know this time
for you two
Must have been
very difficult
On so many levels.
One, your father
passing away
Not more
than a week ago
At the young age
of 42,
Finally succumbing,
After a courageous battle
with liver cancer.
Two, the revelation
That your real
biological father
Is none other than
international-movie-megastar-
Turned-California-Governor.
You know who he is,
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And three,
Having me,
Marc Jacobson,
Second-rate
stand-up comedian
Doing 24-hour-day
impression of Arnold
In the effort to make you
comfor-tay-ble--comfortable.
Com-for-table?
And four, the ongoing confusion
over the fact
That you have
two white biological parents
And yet you yourselves
Are quite obviously dark-skinned
African-American boys.
Must be hard.
That really sums it up.
You know, you don't always
have to do the Arnold voice
If you don't want to.
Listen,
to be honest with you,
Sometimes it's easier for me
to express my true feelings
While doing
this impersonation.
There are things
That Arnold Schwarzenegger
can say
That Marc Jacobson can't.
Or won't.
Come on, race you
back to the house!
I let you win
on purpose.
You know
I let you win.
Oh, look at my boys
all sweaty.
Mom, was the real
Arnold Schwarzenegger
As nice as this one?
Well, I haven't thought
about that night in years.
But if I remember...
Oh, my god.
You're gonna hate me
for this.
I made a little boo-boo.
It wasn't
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It was Arsenio Hall.
well, that explains a lot.
So good to finally know
the real truth.
What about the blood test
you were talking about?
They were for
Arsenio Hall.
Oh.
So where does that
leave me?
Well, can you do Arsenio?
No.
I can do
Eddie Murphy.
A while back,
I used to do
A pretty good Eddie Murphy.
That's fine.
Same difference.
Yeah? Okay.
Oh, yeah.
I got some ice cream.
You cannot have none,
'cause you on welfare.
I'm Gumby, damn it.
Psych!
Psych!
Remember?
Yeah.
I got
the ice cream.
Yeah.
You may think our family's
a little different,
But you know what?
It's our family,
and that's what counts.
Who's to say
who your father is?
Is it the person
who raised you?
Is it the person
who gave you your DNA?
Or maybe it's the guy
who hangs out in your house
Doing an imitation
of a famous comedian
Who is the same race
as another famous comedian
Who is
your biological father.
If you ask us,
it's the last one:
The guy who hangs out
at your house
Doing an imitation
of a famous comedian
Who's the same race
as another famous comedian
Who is
your biological father.
I'm Greg Jaffe.
And I'm Taye Jaffe.
and we are
the Jaffe brothers.
Good night,
folks.
Gretchen is a terrific wife,
But Liz--
she makes me feel young
And vital and vibrant,
visceral.
And the sex--
Abe, the sex.
Yeah, but is it
worth it, Jeff?
I mean, is it worth throwing
away 12 years of marriage
For a momentary thrill?
Monogamy is a myth.
It's a myth.
No, monogamy is what keeps
society from crumbling.
That's absolutely
not true.
We are biochemically engineered
to spread our seed.
And the moment
you embrace that truth,
The happier
you will be.
I'm happy
with Betsy.
He's not.
You're not.
You convinced yourself
you are,
But you're not.
I really am.
I mean, is it great
24 hours a day?
No, but I, you know,
sleep a lot
To shield out
the pain.
If I can get my milk
For free,
You can be damn sure
I'm gonna start
fucking cows.
That's easy
for you to say.
Literally,
I'm literally--
You've never been married.
I have kids.
I'm so serious,
it's not even funny.
They're the ones that keep me
from slitting my wrists
When I wake up
in the morning.
You are living
in a fantasy world.
Okay, maybe so,
But I take a pill,
and I feel better.
Oh, I don't know
who to believe.
Abe or Scotty?
Scotty or Abe?
I do know this:
we've got ten stories.
And I'm not gonna
let you down.
I promise you that.
son of a bitch.
Paul went and bought himself
a CAT Scan Machine.
a CAT Scan Machine?
Like a hospital
CAT Scan Machine?
Why would he do that?
That seems ridiculous.
Probably wants
to be a hero.
You know what?
We're gonna get
a CAT Scan Machine.
Honey, you wouldn't know
the first thing
About what to do
with a CAT scan.
We'll figure it out.
If I can set up
the VCR,
I can set up
a CAT Scan Machine.
I set up the VCR.
Ray!
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry,
Jakey.
You know Daddy
loves you, right?
Daddy loves
his little boy.
I did set up
the VCR, though.
Ray!
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry, Jakey.
You know Daddy
loves you, right?
Daddy loves
his little boy.
I love you too,
Daddy.
Ray!
What?
Unbelievable.
He bought a CAT scan.
What's the big deal, dad?
Paul!
Oh, my god, Kalen.
I'm so sorry.
Daddy didn't mean it.
Nice and easy.
Watch the curb.
Right up there.
Right upstairs.
Son of a bitch!
I got to get
another one.
Jesus Christ,
that sneaky son of a bitch.
Come on, Ray.
Don't be ridic--oh!
I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't see you there.
don't look at him.
Don't talk to him.
Get in the car.
wh--why?
What is this about?
this is why.
I don't want to talk
to you anymore.
I'm done with you.
Oh!
Son of a bitch!
Hey.
Hey.
You look like shit.
So do you.
Yeah, I--
Right.
Let me ask you something.
Do you give the guys that
deliver your CAT scan a tip?
I usually throw them
five bucks
So they can grab
some lunch.
Five bucks?
Where do you get lunch
for five bucks?
McDownald's.
Boorger king.
Woondy's.
I love it.
Little changes
to the names
Of the most famous
fast-food chains.
That's right.
I really do
love it, ray.
Thanks.
This is
the radioactive core
Where the nuclear power
comes from
So you can all plug in
your pac-man machines.
Doesn't it look like
it's getting too hot in there?
No, no, no.
Don't you worry.
We have a perfect
safety record here.
We know
what we're doing.
attention.
This is not a drill.
It's happening.
It's happening!
No, no, no,
no, no, no!
There are 75 kids
out there
Who may have
been exposed
To dangerous levels
of radiation!
What the hell
are we gonna do?
They're at risk
unless we can get
All of them tested
within the next hour.
Impossible.
Where are we gonna find
CAT Scan Machines
For every kid
within a ten-mile radius?
I have an idea!
What is it, son?
We don't have much time!
Okay,
it's a reality show.
We get ten
homeless people,
And America votes on which one
gets a penthouse apartment.
What's the hook?
What's the hook?
Is there a host,
a celebrity panel?
I don't know!
It's just a seed
of an idea.
I haven't really
thought it out yet.
All right,
there's something to that,
But we're gonna have
to talk about it later
When I can really focus.
Wait a second!
Doesn't your dad
Have a whole bunch
of CAT Scan Machines?
Oh, come on!
Come on! Come on!
There's nobody here!
What about your house?
No, there's no one
here either!
I don't have my key!
people are talking,
talking 'bout people.
I hear them whisper.
you won't believe it.
they think we're lovers
kept under covers.
I just ignore it.
It's nice to take a break
from that CAT Scan mishigas,
Get out of the house.
You said it, neighbor.
Salut.
Clink!
we stand
just a little too close.
we stare
just a little too long.
maybe they're seeing
something we don't, darling.
let's give them something
to talk about.
open the door.
Open the door.
The kids are just--
They're just
throwing up and--
another beer,
gentlemen?
Yeah, I'll take one.
I'll take two.
You son of a bitch.
This guy.
Come on!
Don't you die on me,
Not now,
not like this.
We have a breaking news story.
75 children
either dead or dying
Of radiation poisoning
As a result of an accident
at a nuclear power plant.
Their lives
would have been spared
If they'd been able
to get access
To either of two houses
on Grover Avenue,
Each of which
reportedly contains
Dozens of lifesaving
CAT Scan Machines
Collected
for unknown reasons
By their homeowners,
adjacent neighbors
Who are inexplicably
nowhere to be found.
Among the many casualties
Was nuclear power plant
tour guide
And former criminal prosecutor
Barge Michaelson.
The details are sketchy
right now,
But we'll keep you updated live
as the story develops.
I'm gonna probably
head home.
It's late.
Check.
let's give them something
to talk about.
you've been screwing her
for a year?
It's over.
Get out.
Gretchen.
Get the fuck
out of here!
I'm done with your--
your lies and your apologies
And your fucking
stone tablets.
Well, where am i
supposed to go?
You can go to hell
for all I care.
Go move in with
your little home wrecker.
She's not
a home wrecker.
She's an avid film buff.
You know that.
She also considers herself
a bit of a shutterbug
And a prestidigitator.
You know what, Gretchen?
You know what you can do?
Don't say something
you're gonna regret.
Go...
I'm warning you, Jeff.
Fly...
Don't you say it!
Go fly a kite,
Gretchen.
Go fly a kite.
You didn't.
You did not.
You motherfucker!
how about love,
love, love?
okay, okay,
something to talk about.
Speaking of something
to talk about, today's weather:
Sunny, mild, warm,
a little cooler tonight.
Ladies might want
to put on a shawl.
Let's get back
to continuous music.
two feet
firm in the ground.
What's up, brother?
Hey.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Duane.
Just transferred
from Leavenworth.
Oh, hi.
Pleasure.
Glenn Richie.
Oh, yeah.
You're the doctor that killed
one of his patients, right?
Well,
it was a goof.
yeah.
Sure, it was a goof.
I get it.
Oh, well, I'm glad
somebody finally does.
Oy.
Hey, Glenn,
I haven't been on the outside
in such a long time.
Any new good sushi joints
open up, or--
Oh, well--
Oh, were you around
when Noshi Sushi opened up?
No, is it good?
Oh, are you kidding me?
These guys got
a softshell crab roll.
It is better
than a tuna roll.
Come on.
No, I'm telling you.
They got a softshell crab roll
better than a tuna roll.
Wow.
So if you ever
get out--
Well, I'm in for life
without parole, so...
Well, if, for whatever reason,
you do get out--
There won't be
a reason.
But we don't get sushi
in here, huh?
Oh, I wish we did.
I'm a sushi fiend.
Are you kidding?
I'm addicted to it.
I'm addicted to it.
hey, Paco. I'm open.
Whatever.
Sorry.
So?
Hey, um, Glenn,
Would you mind sitting
and spotting me
While I do some reps?
Oh, wow, Duane,
that sounds really nice,
But I don't think
it's such a great idea.
I'm kind of with
Big Buster.
He--he rapes me
every night.
Right, right.
He ass-rapes you,
huh?
Yep.
Wow, just my luck.
Should have known
you'd be taken.
But we can just do
one set, huh?
You know what?
What the hell, right?
It's just two people
enjoying each other's company,
Juicing their pecs.
Yeah, come on.
No harm in that.
Right?
I could always use
a spotter.
Who can't?
I mean, I think safety first,
even in here.
there you go.
Three more, Duane?
Feel the burn.
Feel the burn.
Feel the burn,
Duane.
Oh, oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Break it up.
That was interesting.
I'd say.
Yikes.
Hey, listen,
I know your ass
belongs to Big Buster,
And I totally--
totally respect that,
But you and I,
we think so much alike.
You know, like that time
that guy got stabbed.
And I said,
"that was interesting,"
And you said,
"I'd say."
Then you said,
"yikes."
yikes.
Those are the kind of moment
I'm talking about.
Sometimes I wonder
What it would be like
if I were the one
Who were ass-raping you
every night.
You know,
I think you're feeling
The energy
of our friendship,
And you're projecting it
Into something else
that isn't there.
No, Glenn,
I'm not--
I'm not projecting.
I can't look at you
Without fantasizing
About shoving you
up against a wall
In the laundry room
And punching you
in the mouth
And then raping you
Without your consent,
of course.
Hey, that's what
makes it rape, right?
That's what
makes it rape.
Look, Duane.
I hear you.
But?
But I--I can't just
shift gears.
It's not
that simple.
I think I'm done
working out.
Duane, don't be
that guy--
No.
Glenn, I can't.
I got nothing left.
See you around.
Duane.
what the fuck
do you think you're doing?
Ahh!
okay, Doctor.
It's that time
of the night.
Buster,
we need to talk.
Oh, no.
No, don't tell me.
Duane--wow.
I thought this
would be easier.
Duane Rosenblum
wants me to be his bitch,
And I'm not sure
I don't want to not
Not be his bitch.
Tell me
this is a goof.
No, not this time.
You and I have been going
through the motions lately.
We both know that.
At this point, we're more
cell mates than anything else.
I knew this day
would come.
Glenn, listen to me.
You have to do
what you have to do.
As long as you're
getting ass-raped
Against your will
by someone, anyone,
Every night,
Then that's
all that matters.
Really?
Nothing.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Go on!
Hey, you busy?
No.
I was gonna fold
this piece of paper for a while,
But I can do that later.
What's up?
Well, I just talked
to big buster, and...
Looks like
I'm back on the market.
Glenn.
This is wonderful!
You know what this means,
don't you?
Yes.
I do.
ow, ow, ow, ow.
What's the matter,
you baby?
The King's a beggar.
Now the play is done.
All is well ended
if this suit be won.
That you express content,
which we will pay
With strife to please you,
day exceeding day.
Ours be your patience then
And yours our parts.
Your gentle hands lend us
and take our hearts.
All's well that ends well.
fucking baby.
Lights out!
Hi, honey bunny,
boozie, boozie,
Boozie pumpkin butt!
Mwah!
Have you
been drinking?
No, just a little
tequila.
Oh, I know this bouncer
at Club Stingo,
And I think we should
really go tonight.
I had an idea.
How about you and I,
we stay in.
We can read from that book
of Kierkegaard
That I bought you.
No. Don't be
such a pooper.
I want to go out.
I want to party
24-7, baby.
Whoo!
You still love me,
don't you, Daddy?
I mean, you don't regret
Leaving Gretchen for me,
do you?
Of--of course not.
Yay!
Will you buy me
a pony?
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
I don't know. I--
who am I,
and where do
I go
from here?
Hey!
Table for two?
yes, please.
Right here.
Have fun, you guys.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Hey!
Table for two?
Louis, you may be
the host
Of the La Fonda list
on channel three...
And you may be Kelly,
The former girlfriend
of Stephen Montgomery,
That guy who's still stuck
in the ground...
But tonight, we are the two
happiest newlyweds
In the entire world,
And I couldn't
love you more.
ladies and gentlemen,
Please welcome
Harlan Swallow
And his better half,
Gary.
well, thank you.
Howdy, folks.
I'm Harlan Swallow.
And I'm Gary,
and I quit.
Gary--
hang on tight.
I have your hand up my ass.
Oh, somebody's
a cheap date.
Gary, leave
the nice lady alone.
Fuck you.
What's your name there, honey?
Me?
Of course
I'm talking to you.
I'm not talking
to your boyfriend.
My name's Kelly.
Kelly, ooh.
Gary.
Shh.
Hey, Kelly, why don't you
meet me after the show,
And I'll show you
my hard wooden dick.
Oh, my god!
This guy
is so offensive.
He's not funny
at all.
Shh! I want to hear
what Gary's gonna say next.
Hey, asshole,
when do I get paid
So I can blow
this juke joint?
He said "juke joint."
Oh, my god.
I think he was kidding
about you coming backstage.
I think it was just
part of the act.
Louis, can you shut up
for one second?
Honey, I just think
it's our honeymoon.
I would love
to get some champagne
And go back
to the room.
Ew, Louis.
Please.
I just ate
a turkey burger.
Oh, hey, folks.
Hi.
We loved the show.
Oh, thanks.
Can I talk to Gary?
Um...
Sure.
Okay.
God damn it.
Hey, there,
baby cakes.
Glad you liked
the show.
Why don't you get rid
of the deadweight
So we can really talk,
huh?
Are you gonna show me
your hard wooden dick
Like you said
you would?
Yeah, I--I got
to go home now.
Well, wait.
What about you, Gary?
You want to come out
with us?
Honey, I think--
I will smack you
in the face.
What do you say,
Gary?
Want to throw back
a few?
He's a little tired.
We're gonna say
good night now.
Oh, are you two homo?
Okay, no, I'm not gay.
I date women.
And Gary isn't gay,
because he's a wooden puppet
That I ordered
from a company
In Chicago, okay?
Good night.
Kelly, let's--
Come on.
Sweetie, it's over.
Let's just--
You know, I was really hoping
to lose my virginity tonight.
Yeah, well,
I got to go for a walk.
Oh, really?
Because I could come...
With you.
Just come with you.
Hi, there.
Oh, god,
I've been thinking about you
all night.
I even rubbed one out
in the bathroom
When my husband
was buying condoms.
I wouldn't make you
wear one, though.
Come on, Gary.
Let's blow
this juke joint.
You're being coy,
aren't you?
Hi.
give me love.
forgive me, love.
room, please?
don't leave me, love,
leave me here to...
brave the winds of age
without you by my side.
forgive me, love.
don't leave me, love.
I'm just a fool.
burn the bed we made
with ignorance and pride.
So you say the last time
you saw this guy
Was about 11:00 p.M.?
That's right.
Got it.
All right.
I think you should call
the cops.
Oh, come on.
stop it! Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
We should probably
call the cops.
Wait.
I don't love you
anymore, Louis.
I'm sorry.
I thought I did,
but I don't.
I haven't been happy
in a long time.
We're still doing
the same old jokes.
I don't even know
what's funny anymore.
Yes, you were there
for me
When my fiance was embedded
in the ground--
Still is.
And still is.
You say you want
a girlfriend.
When was the last time
you had a date?
Rebecca, the hostess,
She is dying
to go out with you.
How many signals
do you need?
So our marriage
is over?
It's okay.
Maybe you're right.
I know I'm right,
buddy.
mama loves
her little baby boy.
I think I should get in touch
with my sister.
I'm sure she'd love
to hear from you.
hold her, boxed in.
troubled and human.
help me lose this
uneasy injustice.
I'm fine. I'm found.
I'm on my own.
I climb this mountain
all alone.
God, this so crazy.
I've never felt
so alive.
in this prison
we call home.
Jeff, wha--what are you
doing here?
Gretchen.
Hey, I--I was in
the neighborhood.
I thought I'd come by
and take a shit.
You know, it's not really
a good time.
Why don't you
come by tomorrow?
Can I come in
just for five minutes?
Tomorrow, I might not
need to shit.
Gretchen,
who's at the door?
Oh, Jeff,
You know
newsman Jim Stansel.
So are you
and Jim--
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
How's--how's Liz?
Good, good.
We're looking
for a new pony, actually.
Oh, a pony
can be delightful.
Listen, Jeff.
Like I said, this is really
not a good time
For you
to take a shit.
No worries.
It's good to see you,
Gretchen.
You look great.
You always look great.
You look tired.
Are you taking
your fish oil?
Gretchen,
god damn it.
Could I talk to you
for five seconds
Without you hammering me
about my goddamn fish oil?
Fine!
Ruin your fucking skin.
I'm getting my Omega fatty acids, okay?
I'm just not taking it
in the form of fish oil.
This is why.
Yeah, this is why.
Have a good life,
Jeff.
You too, Gretchen.
You too.
Here's the, uh--
Hey,
new guy's awake.
What a night.
My head is throbbing.
I'm definitely gonna need
some more heroin.
I know what you need, kid.
You need
a lying Rhino.
Looks just like
the regular shit.
Why do you call it
"lying Rhino?"
That's a good question.
And there is a story,
my friend.
The lying Rhino
truly existed--
and he was a liar.
hold on a second.
Before he was a liar,
he was living
On the lower east side
of New York City.
no, no.
The story starts way before
he moved to New York.
are you gonna tell
the story, or am I?
tell the story.
Who's stopping you?
the first lying Rhino story
Was how he dropped out
of high school.
Now he's working as a locksmith
in Washington, D.C.
Suffice it to say, he wasn't
the greatest locksmith.
he was terrible.
primarily because
he didn't have any fingers.
You want
your fucking door open?
Here.
You'll pay for that,
Rhino!
so that's why they call this
the lying Rhino?
oh, no, no,
there's more to the story.
A few years later,
The Rhino was working
as a street hustler.
Give me a second,
huh?
I don't have all night.
Does that thing work
or what?
Stop talking to me
and let me concentrate.
You know what?
Forget it.
Forget it.
Forget this.
God,
what is with people?
this guy couldn't keep a job.
Then one night,
he gets a gig
Playing piano
in a poolside jazz band.
Take it,
Rhino.
And two, three, four.
You're fired!
What?
'cause I feel passion
for this?
oh!
you see that bee
over there?
Yeah.
You know what I heard?
He's a card-carrying member
Of the organization
for white racial purity.
Yeah,
he's a white supremist.
Yeah?
I shit you not.
Hey, guess what I hear
about the bee.
I hear
he's a white supremist.
I heard what you
been saying.
Oh, my wing!
Hey! Ow.
the Rhino finally found
something he was good at:
Spreading lies.
Hey, I hear she sucked
some guy's balls
At her bachelorette
party.
Oh!
Did you hear
about mama owl?
She's on meds
for her busted cervix.
I'd stay away
From saint Geraldine's
nursery school.
Word is the principal there
likes to fuck all the kids.
Rhino was on top of the world.
Hey, Rhino, baby,
give me some dirt.
Yo, Rhino,
what's up?
I heard you got
some new moves.
Uh, I was wondering
if you had anything
You'd like to tell me.
but it wasn't long
Before everyone
caught on to his lies.
Get out of here,
Rhino.
Hey, talk to somebody
who cares.
Liar, liar.
Get the fuck
out of here!
Hey, Darrell,
my man.
Did you hear what happened
to the lizard?
Did you hear what happened
to your face?
Ow!
Oh!
Oof!
Splat!
so one day, he's out
collecting VHS tapes,
And he hears something:
Weiner dogs,
evil weiner dogs.
And they're all
secretly infecting themselves
With a deadly
sexually transmitted disease.
And they're planning
to start an orgy
And infect
the whole town.
so the Rhino wants
to warn everybody.
Wait a minute.
Why don't these weiner dogs
die from the deadly disease?
They're immune to it.
Everybody, do not have sex
with the weiner dogs.
They're planning
a deadly weiner dog sex orgy.
Come on.
You never
tell the truth.
You always lie.
Why should we
believe you?
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
Let's have sex
with each other.
Hmm, I don't know.
Who you gonna believe,
Rhino or weiner dog?
so what happened to him?
he moved back to Portland,
lost a lot of weight,
Started wearing
these terrible short shorts,
And eventually
started dealing heroin.
Thanks, man.
so why do you call
the stuff "lying Rhino?"
Because he delivers it here
Every day.
Gentlemen.
Rhino!
Later on,
my friends.
That's the Rhino?
this is the place.
Not much to look at.
What you see
is what you get.
Well, what do you expect
for $850 a month,
The inner--
What you see
is what you get.
Well, what do you expect
for $850 a month,
The International Space Station
Mir out there
Over there
in outer space?
I'll take it, Mr.--
Dalton,
Timothy Dalton.
Like 007, right?
That's right.
Here's the keys.
Hey.
Hey.
No.
Come on.
Sorry.
how have you been?
We talked
at the same time.
How's Liz doing?
Oh, we broke up.
She was too young.
How's Jim Stansel?
No, it didn't
work out.
His penis
was too big.
I mean, it was great
for a while.
I mean, god,
it was so great.
Sometimes I just
think about him
And I--I have
a little orgasm.
Oh.
Let me see.
No.
Oh, wait.
Yup,
there we go.
But, you know,
it didn't work out.
Anyway,
where are you living?
Uh, I got
this new place.
It's an empty black void
with the stone tablets.
Right. Right.
Good to see
you haven't changed.
Gretchen, I never got
the chance to apologize
About the whole
"go fly a kite" thing.
It was way
out-of-bounds.
No one should ever
say that to you,
Not after what happened
with you
And the kite
and your brother.
Thank you.
Would you maybe want to grab
a cup of coffee?
Oh, I'd love to,
but after Liz and I broke up,
I got married,
And I don't want to make
the same mistake twice.
You know, adultery.
Oh, who are you
married to?
Dianne Wiest.
It's great.
Wow.
I loved her
in bullets over Broadway.
Oh, yeah, she's really proud
of that one.
And the Oscar
didn't hurt either.
Plus, the residual checks
come in handy.
It's like, "thanks, Woody,"
you know?
Right.
It was good
to see you.
You too.
Yeah.
Oh, Gretchen,
I love you so much.
I want you back.
Yes--oh, no.
What about
Dianne Wiest?
Oh, fuck me.
I'm gonna call her
and tell her it's over.
Dianne.
Hey, how are you?
What's that?
160 bucks?
Wow.
It's more like Hannah
and her dollars.
I know.
Terrible joke.
Look, I've got
some bad news.
I ran into my ex-wife,
Gretchen, and--
Well, how do I put this?
Oh, Dianne.
I'm so sorry.
Really?
Oh, I--
Dianne, you're great.
We gave it a good run.
So I'll have my lawyer
send over the papers, okay?
Uh-huh.
All right.
I will.
All right.
Got to go.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah, got to go.
Dianne, I have to go.
Okay.
All right. Bye.
We're good.
Oh!
"if not now, when?
"if not me, who?
If not here, where?"
let's go, Oliver.
We're gonna be late
for church.
The kids are already
in the car.
Oh, god,
Gloria.
I'm really sick.
I think I might have
a touch of food poisoning.
You should just go ahead
without me.
Okay.
Get some rest.
Okay.
You deserve
an MTV Moon Man Award
For that performance.
Three hours
to do anything I want.
Huh.
Well, I guess I could
if I wanted.
Completely naked?
Totally nude,
my friend.
The whole time
they were at church?
All morning.
Most intriguing,
Oliver.
So why don't you come by
this Sunday?
We can be naked
together.
What am I supposed
to tell Jeanie?
Make up an excuse.
Already got mine
lined up for this week.
What is it?
Bulimia.
Nice.
So is this a gay thing?
No.
No, man.
I'm straight
as an arrow.
I mean, sure, I blew
a few sailors in the '80s,
But that was the '80s.
I mean, I still can't
for the life of me
Figure out how to solve
that Rubik's cube.
No, this is just
a couple straight guys
Skipping church
to hang out naked.
I don't know,
Oliver.
It's not really
my cup of tea.
Cut to "ding-dong!"
I mean, actually,
it would be--
Hey, man.
Whoa.
Glad you changed
your mind.
You are really naked.
I mean,
you weren't kidding.
Yeah.
And there's your penis,
And I guess those
are your balls,
And I'm gonna guess your ass
is around the back there.
That's exactly right.
Why don't you come on in,
take off your clothes?
Okay.
Musky smell.
Those are my natural
pheromes.
Hey, man,
I got to tell you,
I thought this
was gonna be pretty good.
But this is pretty good.
It's pretty good,
right?
You know, I got
all these CDs over here.
You want to listen
to something?
You got any
Roberta Flack?
Are you kidding me?
I'm a Flack freak.
What do you want
to listen to?
Killing me softly?
That's a little
Flack 101.
Why don't we go
a little deeper?
How about this?
Greatest hits,
track two.
strolling in the park,
watching winter
turn to spring.
I dig her silky vocals.
Yeah, and the jazzy
rhythm guitar
And light percussion
that wafts throughout.
Oof.
Fluid sounds.
Urbane.
Mm, contemporary flavor.
Holds a degree
from Howard University.
That was just--
That was great.
Yeah.
Yeah,
had a great time.
Well, why don't you
come back next Sunday?
I don't know.
I mean, I might feel
a little guilty
If I keep
missing church.
Marty, god doesn't
necessarily want us
To go to church
every Sunday.
Keeping the sabbath
might just mean
Taking a weekly break
from our normal life
And celebrating
his great creation.
And what greater manifestation
of his creation is there
Than the body human?
For my money, it's just as holy
for us to come over here
And swing our balls
around
And pump up
the Roberta Flack.
You know what?
You make a great point.
I do have one question,
though.
How many other guys
should I invite?
it may be way too early
in the game.
hey, I just took a dump
And didn't have
to pull my pants down.
Or up, right?
Correctamundo.
Hey, who invited
Henry Winkler?
eh.
Oh, great.
A room full of Fonzie's.
That's the last thing
I need.
I wasn't trying
to find romance.
I like
the Roberta Flack.
How long
has that been going on?
As far as I know,
Flack's been de rigueur
Since day one.
Wait a minute.
Hold the phone.
I knew it was popular,
but de rigueur?
and then you get to side three,
comfortably numb,
And then he doesn't even
have his anger anymore.
Then he's completely
within his own mind,
Behind his own wall.
tonight I celebrate
my love for you.
is gonna come
shining through.
Yeah?
Oliver, governor Hutchins here.
Church ended early today,
And your wife
is on her way home.
Let's go!
Jesus shit.
Fuck!
They're here.
They're here!
What do we do?
Hi, dad.
How's your gangrene?
Much better.
Oliver, is something
going on here?
No.
Why?
You're acting strange,
And I want to know
what's going on.
Honey, we made an oath
in front of god.
And you deserve
to hear the truth.
Fellas.
Every Sunday morning,
Dozens of men come over here
and get naked.
I see.
And we never want
to go to church again.
What do you think
about that?
I'll tell you
what I think.
If you ever
Have a naked party
in my home again
On a Sunday,
You can kiss
my black ass good-bye.
Wait a minute, Gloria.
Hear me out.
I've been a good man
all my life.
take care of my kids,
provide for my wife.
given to the church,
the destitute,
the poor.
never hurt a fly.
I never
fucked a whore.
so where does it say
that every Sunday,
we have to go pray?
That's the lord's way.
Touche.
but it never
felt right.
there was something
untrue
about that fabric
between my ass
and the pew.
it's not crude to be nude
on the sabbath.
I think you'd be a prude
to say nay.
misconstrued are my views
on the sabbath
as we shimmy bareback
to Roberta Flack.
fresh-shampooed are our pubes
and our rectums.
great respect we reflect,
we have shown.
see our cracks
and our taints
are as clean
as a saint's
'cause we know
it's written
in stone.
it's written
in stone.
I introduced each story.
there were ten.
You couldn't have missed them.
I was surrounded
by gigantic prop tablets,
but I didn't heed
their wisdom.
I ignored the laws,
betrayed my wife,
but I did my job
at least.
I gave you
ten short stories.
and he dumped
Dianne Wiest.
I broke it off
with Wiest.
I stole
a little wooden guy.
now we live
in South Bayonne.
I live my life
on scotch and rye,
splinters
in my inner thigh.
I guess that's why--
I guess that's why
it's written down
in stone...
as these ten stories
all have shown.
craved a CAT scan
like my neighbor.
tried to keep up
with my friend.
now there's
radiated children.
many dead
like sir John Glenn.
and that was only
one of ten.
well, I was good
with the goof.
I was quick
with the gags.
but the judge,
he done
judge you too crass.
so now the goof
is on me.
I got 99 years.
and a bloody,
stretched-out ass.
a nonelastic,
bruised and battered...
badly damaged...
stretchy, stretchy...
trunk,
butt,
ass.
I got a trunk butt ass!
well, I met Jesus
in Mexico,
didn't know
how hard I'd fall.
but in truth,
the story's fictional.
my name
is Gretchen Mol.
I crushed my spine.
I'm in the ground.
I had my 15 minutes.
I fucked Arsenio hall
in his trailer.
he wore nothing at all
but his socks.
if it were Arnold,
you kids would be paler.
and we'd both
have straighter locks.
and smaller cocks.
So what does
it all mean?
so what's
it all about?
what does it all
add up to?
hey, haven't you
figured it out?
tell us!
it's all about...
love!
Put your arms
around each other!
love!
yeah, the universe
is calling.
love!
Everybody kissing
And everybody hugging, now,
come on!
love!
love!
1 and 9,
8 and 2,
3 and 7,
11 minus 1,
5 and 5 is--is...
oh, yeah!
the ten is a hell
of a number.
the ten, ten ten.
double digits,
1-0 supply.
that's the Lord's way.
was that really
their actual order?
then you've got one,
all right.
oh, yeah!
da, da, da, da.
stuck in the ground.
We're stuck in the ground.
stuck, stuck,
stuck, stuck!
stuck in the ground,
but I found fame.
buck-ass naked.
Check out the frame.
from daily show
to jailhouse ho.
when she left Rudd,
it was time to go.
I was born on the state
and blew up in reno.
CAT scan--my neighbor,
what he know?
dip my balls in your mouth
from the goof.
and poof!
Redhead nuts on your roof.
yes, yes, ya'll.
Gretchen Mol.
I took the fall
for Arsenio hall.
knocked up,
Paul makes summertime money.
shacked up with
a ventriloquist's dummy.
Liev in a mustache
had a Jack Russell.
everybody do
the Ron Silver hustle.
no fuss,
I'm just a savior.
pick them and flick them
is what I gave ya.
played you like
a puppet on string.
and I'm so fine
that I made hard the thing.
miss fantastic bee.
Feel the sting.
rhyme time over.
The ten, y'all. Sing!
the ten is a hell
of a number.
and the credits
are now going by.
the ten, the ten.
the movie
is just about over.
say good-bye.
good-bye.
we've come to the what?
To the end of the ten.
right to the what?
Of the ten.
we've come to the end,
I fear, to the end of the ten.
we've come to the what?
we've come to the end
of the ten.
we've come to the end
of the ten, I fear.
naked men
stood at the mirror.
the Sunday balls,
they bloom like spring.
but it's not
a gay thing.
we've come to the end
of the ten, dear child.
wife and husband
reconciled.
Jeff left Liz
and Dianne Wiest
and kissed Gretchen
on the street.
and the flower grows
sometimes from Rhino shit.
and the lesson learned
is what you make of it.
what we make of it.
we've come to the end
of the ten, I know.
the puppet's not
your average dildo.
though Gary may not
speak again,
he'll be
her best friend.
we've come to the end
of the ten, John Glenn.
kids and radioactive
contamination don't blend,
because two neighbors
wanted more.
but it's not worth
dying for.
we saw the doctor raped
almost constantly.
he could not escape
where his goof did lead,
where his goof
did lead.
twin boys born
to their creator
did not resemble
the terminator.
but Jesus Christos,
son of god,
he opened up a heart.
we've come to the end
of the ten, oh, my.
Montgomery fell
out of the sky
and lodged himself
down in the ground.
how does he defecate?
how does he defecate?
I don't know.
but the flower
sometimes grows
from Montgomery's shit.
and the lesson learned
is what you make of it,
what you make
of it.
we've come to the end
of the end of the ten.
What a bunch
of fucking assholes.
Damn.